Marlborough Man Mason does not pass go

A note from the man who had all Western Australia's hopes riding on his tiny silver thimble... or racing car... maybe the horse?

He had Lillee in his side, but alas, when the pressure was on he did a Kim Hughes... albeit minus the golden curls. In the plane on the way home from the Australian Nationals in Melbourne, he attempted to do a Marshy and empty the plane of tinnies, but again, he was a six pack short of a carton.

Friends/family/colleagues,

Many of you I know are already aware of my fate at the Australian National Monopoly Championships (the Nationals) last week in Melbourne. But for the rest of you here is what may prove to be the final word on Monopoly, or so you hope.

To paraphrase the great boxing commentator whose name escapes me: “there will be no trip to Vegas for this West Australian bounty hunter”

Like all WA sporting teams of late – be they Dockers, Eagles, Warriors or Wildcats – I went down in a screaming heap. I lost, I choked, I took a hammering in the ring bit, I, well, all of the above.

It probably didn’t help that Dennis Lillee declared that I was the best WA Monopoly champion he had ever seen and he was confident I would bring home the bacon. Thanks DK!

As the 15 minutes of fame clock clicks over to the 14 min 58 second mark, I just want to take time out to thank all of you who offered me your support, wisdom, advice, your anecdotal stories about the world’s most popular board game and generally took the p*ss out of me. Your interest was much appreciated.

A big thanks to everyone who sent me monopoly themed text message after I was eliminated along the lines of going to jail, going directly to jail, not passing go and not collecting $200.

The first message was funny, the second amusing, the third mmmm, the fourth stick to your day job and by the 12th, hey I’m in Melbourne enjoying a free holiday and you’re stuck at work.

As I cling to my last seconds of fame, I will point out that I am the reigning WA State Monopoly champion until 2013 and have more in common with Steve Hooker - who also holds his Olympic title for four years – than anyone else on this email list, possibly with the exception of Mick Collis. (Sorry I let you down Mick, I bet you didn’t know, you’re still my hero!).

Highlights, there were many. Was it seeing one state champion shed a tear upon elimination – no. Was it watching one state champion get eliminated in the semi-final and spit the dummy and not return for the final – no. Was it learning that two of the state champions actually lost their state title and then travelled interstate to win a “foreign” state title so as to compete in the nationals- no

Was it hearing about how one state champion quit his job to become a property developer on the strength of winning the Australian title 10 years earlier only to go bankrupt five years later – quite possibly. What killed him? Maybe the realisation that hotels could not be built for $200, or going to jail was not a necessarily a good tactic in real life.

I feel I represented my state, my beloved Western Australia, with the necessary pride, dignity and honour. I was the last to leave the pre-tournament dinner. I was only one of two competitors who decided that going for a punt at the casino and slurping cocktails into the wee small hours was a good idea the night before the tournament (Note: neither of us won).

The 2009 Nationals were always going to be my swan song in the world of competitive Monopoly but I can’t help but feel after the ecstasy I felt in surging to the state title (and crushing all those kiddies) and the subsequent agony in falling from grace at the Nationals, that there is unfinished business.

I know how General George Patton, Rocky Balboa, Timmy Watson et al felt as they stood in the hall of mirrors contemplating their future. It is a combination of unfinished business and not wanting to retire on a personal low.

I want to experience what Alexander the Great felt (and I don’t mean the Oliver Stone inspired homo-erotic portrayal of the undefeated Macedon military leader). To paraphrase Plutarch (or Hans Gruber) “When Alexander surveyed the breadth of his (Monopoly) domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer”. (Benefits of a classical education!!).

See you at the table in 2013.

WA Monopoly champ 'fesses up

In a move that has the online community tearing at its thinning hair and gnashing its collective teeth, The Perth Files can today announce that it has signed up the 2009 Western Australian Monopoly Champion to the team.

Yes, The Perth Files is now the unofficial (cause we like it like that) blog of choice for Graham 'The Marlborough Man' Mason - 6PR producer extraordinaire, Hawthorn FC fanatic, purveyor of fine wines and NOW, WA's very own Monopoly Champion for 2009.

We caught up with the King of Free Parking at his luxury games room retreat on the outskirts of Perth. Wearing a toga and grinning like he'd just had a touch up from big Buddy Franklin himself, Mason welcomed The Perth Files and our six pack of Emu Bitter with open arms.

So mate, let's not beat around the bush here, what's the most blatant cheat you’ve ever seen?

I must say as there were plenty of judges floating around at the WA state championships and plenty of eagle-eyed competitiors, I'm not sure that any cheating went on.

On a personal level, I have added the odd number to the dice when I have played against my kids for fear of being eliminated early. If they're not alert to it, then fair move, play on. Did I mention they're only eight? Also when controlling the bank, I may have slipped the odd extra $100 into my kick when passing 'Go'. But nothing major.

Does violence ever come into the game and describe the biggest pain in the arse player you've met?

No violence at the state champs, unfortunately. In my past I did once have an anger management issue and was guilty of kicking over the table in disgust on a couple of occassions. But after being hauled up before the Monopoly judiciary and being given a last chance reprimand I began to curb my ways.

I went for the subtle, less obvious stuff rather that the grandstanding trashing of the board style-gig.

There are small things you can do to unsettle opponents. Without giving too much away, one tactic is to throw the dice in an opponent's eye when it's your turn. A simple raised hand, 'sorry mate, it slipped' apology usually gets you off the hook. Just make out that you're Peter Sumich kicking at goal and you have no idea where the ball/dice is going to go. Hell, he made a career out of that.

Free parking cash bonus or no free parking?

I'm a traditionalist. Free parking is just that, free parking. No cash bonus. Same as in life.

--- at this point TPF throws a bottle cap at Mason and the term wanker may have been deployed. A return deployment of dice at speed draws blood ---

Can you play monopoly drunk?

I have played Monopoly after I have had a few and it is in a word, chaos. It simply becomes impossible to fathom monetary denominations and do simple mathematical equations.

Monopoly skulls was a big game at university. One of the dullest plays in Monopoly is when you land on your own property - nothing happens. So my uni buddy Otis and I instituted the shot of tequila for when you landed on your own property. No comment on what happened when you landed on the "Go directly to jail" square.

So what piece are you - I'm thinking Graham 'The Iron' Mason?

Not sure about Graham "the Iron" Mason although it is probably better than "The Thimble". I was thinking of "The Marlborough Man" in honour of my favourite property, Marlborough Street, on my favourite colour group - the orange set.

where did you hone your skills? The family holiday house during breaks in the Boxing Day test matches?

I've played Monopoly since I was about 7 and come from a big board game playing tradition. Board games over computer games, any day. School holidays were always massive for Monopoly. OK, so I didn't have much of a life!

Hawthorn is touring the Premiership Cup, if you win in Vegas, will you tour the Monopoly Cup? Is it a cup, or is it a racing car, or top hat perhaps?

Mate, if I win the Monopoly World Title, did I mention it is being held in Las Vegas (sorry, that's Vegas, baby, Vegas) I will be touring the cup everywhere.

The last Australian to win the world title was back in 1983 (also a Hawthorn premiership year I note). Not sure what the physical prize is, but there is a US$20,000 cheque and the way the $Aussie is behaving that may be a king's ransom come October.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I still have the nationals in Melbourne in March and has all sporting greats say, I'm just taking it one game at a time.

Is the missus concerned about Monopoly groupies - the Bond Street Babes or Whitehall Ho's for example?

The wife is pretty keen to accompany me to Melbourne for the nationals and I suspect you have hit the nail on the head, it is in fact to head off the groupies, or "Monopoly moles" as she calls them. Or it might just be the shopping, the latter I suspect. I don't know, what is the classic Monopoly pick-up line, "fancy coming back to my place?" All the better if it's Mayfair or Park Lane and not Old Kent Road. It's all about "location, location, location".

Can The Perth Files join you for an official training session and better still, can we host it in a pub?

More than happy to indulge The Perth Files in a Monopoly session. And obviously it would have to be in a pub. I'll put a call into Otis and bring back "The Monopoly Tequilla Sessions."

Thank you for your time Graham and mate, since I supplied the grog, any chance of whacking some party pies in the oven?

So there you go folks, he is da man. The Marlborough Man Mason will contest the Australian Championships in Melbourne shortly, atop of Bruno Grollo's mammoth Eureka Towers complex.

If you want to join The Perth Files for a sneak peak into the training techniques of this great man - and get on the turps - leave me a comment right here, or do not pass go...