From a press release from the Department of the Interior regarding the 4th of July Celebration of President Trump:
This year's annual Independence Day celebration on the National Mall will feature music, flyovers, fireworks, and an address by President Donald J. Trump. The America Is So Great ExMAGAganza will show the proper way to honor Donald Trump, including each of the nation’s five service branches with music, military demonstrations, multiple flyovers including a flight demonstration by the Blue Angels, and much more. The theme is "Trump Is Awesome."
The Navy's Blue Angels will do a flyover. In honor of President Trump, they will fly in a newly-created formation called "The Sky Pussy" where five of the jets create the shape of a vulva overhead. A sixth jet moves in close to the Sky Pussy for a maneuver named "the Grabber 180." The Grabber jet quickly moves in and out of the Sky Pussy, at which point the Sky Pussy jets emit special pink contrails as an indication that the Sky Pussy loved being touched by the Grabber.
The National America Is So Great ExMAGAganza Parade will be a celebration of all the things that Donald Trump has made great. It will feature floats showing President Trump shaking hands with Kim Jong-Un while starving North Koreans cheer for them as soldiers point guns on the citizens. Another float will feature a performer dressed like Saudia Arabia's Prince Mohammed bin Salman juggling the body parts of murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi. He'll be standing on the throats of Saudi women while doing it. A marching band will play the Russian national anthem while the Marine Silent Drill Team shows off its precision moves, culminating in a "Salute to Putin and Friendship," where everyone drops their pants and pisses on each other.
The parade will also feature caged migrants on a flatbed. This display will demonstrate how the United States under President Trump is treating migrants seeking asylum better than they were being treated in their own countries. People in attendance will be cautioned not to hand them soap or toothbrushes or even a stuffed animal for one of the children. You never know how the caged migrant will act if they receive minimal amounts of human compassion.
When the parade reaches the VIP area, t-shirt cannons will be fired by National Guard members, but they will be filled with wads of cash in a demonstration of President Trump's tax cut. Any money not picked up by the VIPs will be given directly to President Trump.
One float will just be Brett Kavanaugh drinking beer. The real Brett Kavanaugh in his Supreme Court robes. Just enjoying beer. He likes beer.
Before President Trump speaks, the American National Anthem will be played. Anyone caught kneeling, not singing, or not crying tears of patriotic joy will be immediately arrested. The subject of President Trump's speech will be a totally nonpolitical look back on how much better the country is now that he's president. He will totally nonpolitically talk about how the press is the enemy of the people and that Democrats want open borders and crime and violence. Then he will totally nonpolitically mock Nancy Pelosi and the U.S. Women's Soccer Team as not being bangable enough for him. Finally, President Trump will totally nonpolitically name his daughter as his Vice Presidential running mate. "And what a mate she'll be," the President will say as a weeping Mike Pence still stands by his side.
Two fireworks displays will light up the DC skies. The first is themed "Look at This Shit Blow Up, Iran," and it will be an imitation of the annihilation that awaits Iran if it doesn't live up to its part of the nuclear deal that the United States withdrew from. The second will be "I Like Big Boom," and President Trump will point and nod in imitation of an idiot while the First Lady looks on uncomfortably smiling, as if asking for the sweet kiss of death.
At the end, President Trump will go fuck a tank and command the heads of the five branches of the military to all make out with each other while he does it. A blood orgy on the mall will ensue among the onlookers when Jerry Falwell, Jr. cuts open a donkey in symbolic murder of a Democrat. He will fellate the disembodied donkey dick while blood pours onto the audience, driving them into a savage frenzy of fucking and murder that will dye the reflecting pool as red as a MAGA hat.
So bring the whole family.
The Park Service has already said that the biggest crowd in the history of Independence Day is attending the Donald Trump's America Is So Great ExMAGAganza, and you were there, even if you weren't.
7/02/2019
Another Goddamn Podcast: Interview with Reece Peck and Online Ministries Tell the Tennessee Legislature to Suck It
The latest episode of Another Goddamn Podcast is up, and it's a festive one.
First, I tell you about how an online ministry told the Tennessee legislature to go fuck itself when the state passed a law saying that marriages performed by people who got their ordination online aren't legit.
Then, you've got the second part of my interview with media analyst Reece Peck, author of Fox Populism: Branding Conservatism as Working Class. He's watched more Fox "news" than any single human should ever have to, and it's a tribute to him that he hasn't gone on a 5-state killing spree.
We talk about how it pissed me off that he was sure Trump was going to win in 2016, and then we get into his upbringing as a Mormon in Utah and the ways the LDS church is becoming surprisingly more open. Of course, I had to ask him about the Mormon doctrine that says masturbation is just below murder on the list of sins. It gets weird and funny.
Check it out, like a shockingly large number of people already have. Listen on your favorite podcast platform. Download it. Rate it. Review it. Make sweet love to it.
(For tender ears and eyes, it's called AGD Podcast, but we all know it's just Another Goddamn Podcast.)
While I'm plugging, check out other great podcasts on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, from Dean Obeidallah's I Want to Be Your Muslim Friend to Dana Goldberg's Out in Left Field (she talks to the amazing Charlotte Clymer this week), not to mention Bob Cesca, Randi Rhodes, Frangela, Proud Resister, Jody Hamilton, John Fugelsang, and the grand dame herself, Stephanie Miller (her Happy Hour with Busy Phillips is a blast).
It'll help get you through these tough times and tell you, "Oh, shit, I'm really not alone in how much rage I'm feeling."
First, I tell you about how an online ministry told the Tennessee legislature to go fuck itself when the state passed a law saying that marriages performed by people who got their ordination online aren't legit.
Then, you've got the second part of my interview with media analyst Reece Peck, author of Fox Populism: Branding Conservatism as Working Class. He's watched more Fox "news" than any single human should ever have to, and it's a tribute to him that he hasn't gone on a 5-state killing spree.
We talk about how it pissed me off that he was sure Trump was going to win in 2016, and then we get into his upbringing as a Mormon in Utah and the ways the LDS church is becoming surprisingly more open. Of course, I had to ask him about the Mormon doctrine that says masturbation is just below murder on the list of sins. It gets weird and funny.
Check it out, like a shockingly large number of people already have. Listen on your favorite podcast platform. Download it. Rate it. Review it. Make sweet love to it.
(For tender ears and eyes, it's called AGD Podcast, but we all know it's just Another Goddamn Podcast.)
While I'm plugging, check out other great podcasts on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network, from Dean Obeidallah's I Want to Be Your Muslim Friend to Dana Goldberg's Out in Left Field (she talks to the amazing Charlotte Clymer this week), not to mention Bob Cesca, Randi Rhodes, Frangela, Proud Resister, Jody Hamilton, John Fugelsang, and the grand dame herself, Stephanie Miller (her Happy Hour with Busy Phillips is a blast).
It'll help get you through these tough times and tell you, "Oh, shit, I'm really not alone in how much rage I'm feeling."
6/27/2019
Random Observations on John Roberts Buggering Democracy Today
1. The Supreme Court's decision allowing partisan gerrymandering of congressional districts was essentially a nonconsensual buggering of American democracy. By 5-4 vote, the craven conservative cocks, led by Chief Justice John Roberts, said, "Yeah, we don't give a rat's ass. Contort the shit out of districts, state legislatures, to ensure that your party always grabs an unfair number of the state's congressional representatives." Actually, what Roberts said was that the federal courts had no role in deciding it because that would make the court look too political, as if every fucking decision ever made by the Supreme Court isn't considered political (see 5-4 majority comprised solely of craven conservative cocks).
1a. You could bottom line the decision as "¯\_(ツ)_/¯."
2. The actual text of Roberts' opinion was even more confounding. It's like reading a letter from someone explain why he fucked your dog to death by blaming your dog for being too sexy and saying he was doing you a favor. For one, Roberts makes the usual bullshit conservative argument of bringing in the nation's founders. In this case, he says that they didn't have a gerrymandering problem: "The Founders certainly did not think proportional representation was required. For more than 50 years after ratification of the Constitution, many States elected their congressional representatives through at-large or 'general ticket' elections. Such States typically sent single-party delegations to Congress." And then they changed it. You know, whenever tries to read the minds of some rich white guys from 250 years ago, all I can think is "Those motherfuckers owned slaves, treated women as chattel, were drunk most of the time, and shit in a bowl while trying to come up with better ways to murder Indians and take their land. Why the fuck do we still pretend like every word they say applies now?"
3. Even more goddamned aggravating is how Roberts appealed to some illusion of democracy and fairness. He acts like the very notion of the court deciding issues of "fairness" is utterly beyond its scope. After listing several possible versions of "fairness" (only one of which is actually "fair"), he writes, "Even assuming the court knew which version of fairness to be looking for, there are no discernible and manageable standards for deciding whether there has been a violation." How about starting with the fact that the intent was obviously racist. Not for Roberts, though: "Unlike partisan gerrymandering claims, a racial gerrymandering claim does not ask for a fair share of political power and influence, with all the justiciability conundrums that entails. It asks instead for the elimination of a racial classification. A partisan gerrymandering claim cannot ask for the elimination of partisanship." No, but if you're carving out black and Latinx people and isolating them in weird-ass shaped districts to secure Republican seats and limit Democratic seats, that's racist. Roberts doesn't buy that shit, saying that it doesn't matter if there's racism involved as long as you can make a case that it's more partisan than racist: "A permissible intent—securing partisan advantage—does not become constitutionally impermissible, like racial discrimination, when that permissible intent 'predominates.'" As Elana Kagan says in her dissent, you're just fucking saying that one party's votes are more important than another party's and that's really unfair when each person's vote should be equal. And since those party lines are often determined by the number of people from racial groups in them, it's got a racist intent.
3a. And, by the way, one of the two cases here was about the fucked up way that Maryland gerrymanders in favor of Democrats by carving out a white people area. This shit swings both ways, but right now, because Republicans have taken over most state legislatures, it's gonna end up favoring Republicans overall. But demography is destiny and that pendulum can swing back, assholes.
4. To an extent, then, the Court's decision to postpone a final judgment on whether or not to have a citizenship question on the census is useless. If states can just carve up districts like a spastic monkey with box of crayons, what does it matter how many people are in the state? However, of course, the other part of this is that total number of citizens determines total number of representatives per state. And if you get rid of all the non-citizens too afraid to answer and citizens who don't want to answer, then states like New York and California will lose seats and they will go to the shithole states. That's why it's hilarious to see conservatives go nutzoid in anger at Roberts for not giving them every goddamn thing they wanted right now.
4a. I put it at about even odds that Trump just orders that the question be put on the census form and dares anyone to fuckin' stop him. Why wouldn't he? Really, who would stop him?
5. The real winner today is Mitch McConnell. Because of his blank-faced evil and complete lack of ethics, he wiped his ass with Senate tradition and the Constitution and told everyone to sniff it. McConnell has engineered a generational shift in the judicial system of the United States, starting with his theft of the Supreme Court seat that should have been Merrick Garland's. Gotta hand it to him: the man has said that he's a motherfucker, and he brought out a whole bunch of mothers and just fucked them in every hole he could and in a few he made himself. Because that's what motherfuckers do. They fuck mothers. It's right there in the word.
6. And, as ever, the big fucking losers are Democrats, who barely whimpered over the Garland fuckery, who have been able to do little more than sit with their fingers up their asses while Republicans fuck their faces, and who, when they have power, will probably say that it's time to be nice again because bipartisanship or comity or whatever the fuck.
6a. The fact that, so far, the Democratic National Committee has paid so little attention to winning back the Senate demonstrates an utter failure of leadership and imagination. Jesus fuck, if I had a couple of billion dollars, I'd fucking offer to move thousands of people from urban districts to suburban districts in gerrymandered states just to fuck it all up. I'd fight so fucking dirty that Karl Rove would jack off to the Machiavellian shit I would do. Democrats haven't learned that, and until we get this entrenched leadership the fuck out of there, the ones who still flinch when Republicans raise a hand, they just won't.
1a. You could bottom line the decision as "¯\_(ツ)_/¯."
2. The actual text of Roberts' opinion was even more confounding. It's like reading a letter from someone explain why he fucked your dog to death by blaming your dog for being too sexy and saying he was doing you a favor. For one, Roberts makes the usual bullshit conservative argument of bringing in the nation's founders. In this case, he says that they didn't have a gerrymandering problem: "The Founders certainly did not think proportional representation was required. For more than 50 years after ratification of the Constitution, many States elected their congressional representatives through at-large or 'general ticket' elections. Such States typically sent single-party delegations to Congress." And then they changed it. You know, whenever tries to read the minds of some rich white guys from 250 years ago, all I can think is "Those motherfuckers owned slaves, treated women as chattel, were drunk most of the time, and shit in a bowl while trying to come up with better ways to murder Indians and take their land. Why the fuck do we still pretend like every word they say applies now?"
3. Even more goddamned aggravating is how Roberts appealed to some illusion of democracy and fairness. He acts like the very notion of the court deciding issues of "fairness" is utterly beyond its scope. After listing several possible versions of "fairness" (only one of which is actually "fair"), he writes, "Even assuming the court knew which version of fairness to be looking for, there are no discernible and manageable standards for deciding whether there has been a violation." How about starting with the fact that the intent was obviously racist. Not for Roberts, though: "Unlike partisan gerrymandering claims, a racial gerrymandering claim does not ask for a fair share of political power and influence, with all the justiciability conundrums that entails. It asks instead for the elimination of a racial classification. A partisan gerrymandering claim cannot ask for the elimination of partisanship." No, but if you're carving out black and Latinx people and isolating them in weird-ass shaped districts to secure Republican seats and limit Democratic seats, that's racist. Roberts doesn't buy that shit, saying that it doesn't matter if there's racism involved as long as you can make a case that it's more partisan than racist: "A permissible intent—securing partisan advantage—does not become constitutionally impermissible, like racial discrimination, when that permissible intent 'predominates.'" As Elana Kagan says in her dissent, you're just fucking saying that one party's votes are more important than another party's and that's really unfair when each person's vote should be equal. And since those party lines are often determined by the number of people from racial groups in them, it's got a racist intent.
3a. And, by the way, one of the two cases here was about the fucked up way that Maryland gerrymanders in favor of Democrats by carving out a white people area. This shit swings both ways, but right now, because Republicans have taken over most state legislatures, it's gonna end up favoring Republicans overall. But demography is destiny and that pendulum can swing back, assholes.
4. To an extent, then, the Court's decision to postpone a final judgment on whether or not to have a citizenship question on the census is useless. If states can just carve up districts like a spastic monkey with box of crayons, what does it matter how many people are in the state? However, of course, the other part of this is that total number of citizens determines total number of representatives per state. And if you get rid of all the non-citizens too afraid to answer and citizens who don't want to answer, then states like New York and California will lose seats and they will go to the shithole states. That's why it's hilarious to see conservatives go nutzoid in anger at Roberts for not giving them every goddamn thing they wanted right now.
4a. I put it at about even odds that Trump just orders that the question be put on the census form and dares anyone to fuckin' stop him. Why wouldn't he? Really, who would stop him?
5. The real winner today is Mitch McConnell. Because of his blank-faced evil and complete lack of ethics, he wiped his ass with Senate tradition and the Constitution and told everyone to sniff it. McConnell has engineered a generational shift in the judicial system of the United States, starting with his theft of the Supreme Court seat that should have been Merrick Garland's. Gotta hand it to him: the man has said that he's a motherfucker, and he brought out a whole bunch of mothers and just fucked them in every hole he could and in a few he made himself. Because that's what motherfuckers do. They fuck mothers. It's right there in the word.
6. And, as ever, the big fucking losers are Democrats, who barely whimpered over the Garland fuckery, who have been able to do little more than sit with their fingers up their asses while Republicans fuck their faces, and who, when they have power, will probably say that it's time to be nice again because bipartisanship or comity or whatever the fuck.
6a. The fact that, so far, the Democratic National Committee has paid so little attention to winning back the Senate demonstrates an utter failure of leadership and imagination. Jesus fuck, if I had a couple of billion dollars, I'd fucking offer to move thousands of people from urban districts to suburban districts in gerrymandered states just to fuck it all up. I'd fight so fucking dirty that Karl Rove would jack off to the Machiavellian shit I would do. Democrats haven't learned that, and until we get this entrenched leadership the fuck out of there, the ones who still flinch when Republicans raise a hand, they just won't.
6/24/2019
The President of the United States Is Likely a Rapist and Nothing Is Being Done About That
I believe, as I have believed for a long time, that Donald Trump is a rapist. The allegations by E. Jean Carroll of Trump raping her in the dressing room at Bergdorf Goodman are horrifying, and, in any sane country, they would be the end of Trump's presidency. But we don't live in anything like a sane country anymore. We are on a steep incline now, heading faster and faster into a darkness at the end of it. Each event and allegation that we simply overlook or ignore speeds us down, and, at some point, we're not going to be able to grab onto the ground to stop our fall. It's always going to get worse, it seems.
Because every day provides evidence of this, this afternoon, in a comment on Carroll's allegations, Trump made it worse. Talking to the Hill, the President of the United States said this about a respected writer who accused him of rape: "I’ll say it with great respect: Number one, she’s not my type. Number two, it never happened. It never happened, OK?"
Think about that. Sitting in the Oval Office, the center of power for supposedly the most powerful person in the world, the first thing our president wanted us to know is that his alleged rape victim wasn't his type. At best, that means Trump doesn't like strong, self-possessed women. At worst (and most likely), it means she wasn't fuckable enough for him to rape. It was more important to him for us to hear that he has a certain taste in women than it was that he didn't rape Carroll. Putting aside the truth of the allegation, you have to be an essentially terrible man to open with a judgment on how hot your rape accuser is. (And Trump has used the "not my type" reasoning often, even talking about Stormy Daniels.) And a whole lot of people are going to believe Trump on that. I've already had people send me tweets and messages saying that Carroll wasn't attractive enough for the obviously too handsome Donald Trump, as if that really matters in any way when it comes to rape.
I believe Carroll for many reasons. I know and trust two people who know Carroll, and they say they believe her. I believe her because I know many women from Carroll's generation and the nightmare of sexism and assault they had to negotiate just to work in their chosen fields. Talk to many women who were grad students or became university professors in the 1960s and 1970s or even the 1980s, as they infiltrated the old boys networks at supposedly liberal colleges. It wasn't a minefield. It was a full-on battle.
For decades, Carroll has had an incredibly successful career as a writer, as a beloved advice columnist, as a trusted figure in the lives of many people, especially women. To just make this story up now does her no good; in fact, if she were lying, she would torch her entire life's work. And she didn't need a fake Trump story (or a fake story of any of the men she writes about) in her forthcoming book to make it successful. Her thousands of readers would likely have done that anyway. She knew that she was going to get a buzzsaw of hatred and condemnation coming at her, and it's already happening.
On the socials, the right wing commentariat are saying that Carroll discredited herself this evening on CNN in an interview with Anderson Cooper. It was a fascinating appearance, with Carroll refusing to play the part of the tearful victim. She was bitingly witty with an awareness and sensitivity to women who have experienced more violent sexual assaults than she did. I'm sure that her attitude is going to confound a whole lot of sexists and Trump apologists, but they don't get to say how a woman processes her rape. She wants to own this story, although I'm sure she knows that that is going to be impossible now. I'm betting she's getting rape and death threats constantly. That's how we live now.
One of the most depressing things Carroll told Cooper is that she believes all the accusations of sexual assault against Donald Trump actually helped his candidacy. She told a story about being out to dinner with George McGovern when Bill Clinton's affairs were being revealed in 1992 (this was prior to Paula Jones and allegations of sexual misconduct). McGovern said it would help Clinton because it makes him seem more virile and manly to many people. Carroll said she thinks the same thing happened with Trump, that it made him seem like he was so masculine that he could take any woman he wanted, and that he could have sex with anyone, like porn stars, and then pay them off. That sadly makes sense, considering his supporters.
Today, I was talking to a young woman who is a Trump voter. She was trying to tell me he was a good person because he once had his limo pull over and had his employee help her mom and aunt change a flat tire and then he paid off her aunt's mortgage. I said, "Maybe, but he's a rapist." She said she didn't know what I was talking about. I repeated, "He's a rapist. He's been credibly accused of rape. More than once." She dismissed it with a wave of her hand, saying that "people just want to hurt him." I tried to point out that no one accused Barack Obama of rape (except, you know, deranged people). She didn't care. "They're all just jealous of Trump," she said.
It doesn't matter. No one is going to do anything. The New York Times and other news outlets buried the story, although the Washington Post featured it prominently. Fox "news" doesn't have anything on its website. The New York Post was ordered to scrub it from their site. I don't know how many days this story will stay alive, what with Trump's abuse of child migrants and war mongering with Iran also dominating the news.
I believe Carroll. I believe other women who have said that Trump assaulted them. I believe Ivana Trump when she said under oath that Trump raped her when they were married. I believe the president is a rapist, that our nation is being led by a rapist. And I honestly don't know what to do with that. I don't know what we do with that. This is where our other leaders are supposed to step in and help the country. But, as we slip further down this incline, they aren't trying to toss us ropes to save us. They are sliding with us into that chaotic, dark unknown below.
(Note: If your response to Carroll and the other allegations against Trump is "Yeah, but Bill Clinton..." then you're saying that you think Trump should get away with rape because you believe Clinton got away with rape. So you are a worthless human. Oh, and Clinton isn't president now.)
Because every day provides evidence of this, this afternoon, in a comment on Carroll's allegations, Trump made it worse. Talking to the Hill, the President of the United States said this about a respected writer who accused him of rape: "I’ll say it with great respect: Number one, she’s not my type. Number two, it never happened. It never happened, OK?"
Think about that. Sitting in the Oval Office, the center of power for supposedly the most powerful person in the world, the first thing our president wanted us to know is that his alleged rape victim wasn't his type. At best, that means Trump doesn't like strong, self-possessed women. At worst (and most likely), it means she wasn't fuckable enough for him to rape. It was more important to him for us to hear that he has a certain taste in women than it was that he didn't rape Carroll. Putting aside the truth of the allegation, you have to be an essentially terrible man to open with a judgment on how hot your rape accuser is. (And Trump has used the "not my type" reasoning often, even talking about Stormy Daniels.) And a whole lot of people are going to believe Trump on that. I've already had people send me tweets and messages saying that Carroll wasn't attractive enough for the obviously too handsome Donald Trump, as if that really matters in any way when it comes to rape.
I believe Carroll for many reasons. I know and trust two people who know Carroll, and they say they believe her. I believe her because I know many women from Carroll's generation and the nightmare of sexism and assault they had to negotiate just to work in their chosen fields. Talk to many women who were grad students or became university professors in the 1960s and 1970s or even the 1980s, as they infiltrated the old boys networks at supposedly liberal colleges. It wasn't a minefield. It was a full-on battle.
For decades, Carroll has had an incredibly successful career as a writer, as a beloved advice columnist, as a trusted figure in the lives of many people, especially women. To just make this story up now does her no good; in fact, if she were lying, she would torch her entire life's work. And she didn't need a fake Trump story (or a fake story of any of the men she writes about) in her forthcoming book to make it successful. Her thousands of readers would likely have done that anyway. She knew that she was going to get a buzzsaw of hatred and condemnation coming at her, and it's already happening.
On the socials, the right wing commentariat are saying that Carroll discredited herself this evening on CNN in an interview with Anderson Cooper. It was a fascinating appearance, with Carroll refusing to play the part of the tearful victim. She was bitingly witty with an awareness and sensitivity to women who have experienced more violent sexual assaults than she did. I'm sure that her attitude is going to confound a whole lot of sexists and Trump apologists, but they don't get to say how a woman processes her rape. She wants to own this story, although I'm sure she knows that that is going to be impossible now. I'm betting she's getting rape and death threats constantly. That's how we live now.
One of the most depressing things Carroll told Cooper is that she believes all the accusations of sexual assault against Donald Trump actually helped his candidacy. She told a story about being out to dinner with George McGovern when Bill Clinton's affairs were being revealed in 1992 (this was prior to Paula Jones and allegations of sexual misconduct). McGovern said it would help Clinton because it makes him seem more virile and manly to many people. Carroll said she thinks the same thing happened with Trump, that it made him seem like he was so masculine that he could take any woman he wanted, and that he could have sex with anyone, like porn stars, and then pay them off. That sadly makes sense, considering his supporters.
Today, I was talking to a young woman who is a Trump voter. She was trying to tell me he was a good person because he once had his limo pull over and had his employee help her mom and aunt change a flat tire and then he paid off her aunt's mortgage. I said, "Maybe, but he's a rapist." She said she didn't know what I was talking about. I repeated, "He's a rapist. He's been credibly accused of rape. More than once." She dismissed it with a wave of her hand, saying that "people just want to hurt him." I tried to point out that no one accused Barack Obama of rape (except, you know, deranged people). She didn't care. "They're all just jealous of Trump," she said.
It doesn't matter. No one is going to do anything. The New York Times and other news outlets buried the story, although the Washington Post featured it prominently. Fox "news" doesn't have anything on its website. The New York Post was ordered to scrub it from their site. I don't know how many days this story will stay alive, what with Trump's abuse of child migrants and war mongering with Iran also dominating the news.
I believe Carroll. I believe other women who have said that Trump assaulted them. I believe Ivana Trump when she said under oath that Trump raped her when they were married. I believe the president is a rapist, that our nation is being led by a rapist. And I honestly don't know what to do with that. I don't know what we do with that. This is where our other leaders are supposed to step in and help the country. But, as we slip further down this incline, they aren't trying to toss us ropes to save us. They are sliding with us into that chaotic, dark unknown below.
(Note: If your response to Carroll and the other allegations against Trump is "Yeah, but Bill Clinton..." then you're saying that you think Trump should get away with rape because you believe Clinton got away with rape. So you are a worthless human. Oh, and Clinton isn't president now.)
6/21/2019
Math Is Amazing: Virtually None of the Migrants Seeking Asylum Are Violent Criminals
If you're incredibly unlucky like me and think that you need this kind of shit to stay abreast of the fuckery of the administration of Donald Trump, you will get daily briefings from the White House that are propaganda missives so clumsy and contrived that Goebbels is rolling his eyes in Hell (of course, the eyes are across the room from his head because, well, it's Hell). For instance, today's spam of the damned has links to a "column" from conservative toilet, Townhall (motto: "We're batshit fascists and barely human racists and loving it!") and the right-wing rag that gives actual rags a bad name, the Washington Examiner.
It's also got a link to a Fox "news" article, "Hundreds of migrant caravan members found to have US criminal histories." The email highlighted this passage:
Now, by my awesome ability to use a calculator, 660 criminals out of 8000 people is about 8%. But most of those "criminal convictions" are obviously not violent crimes because the next numbers talk about those. So 43 out 8000 is roughly one half of one percent. For that, the administration is running around with its hair on fire about the rapists and murderers getting into the country.
The article itself goes into more numbers, including a caravan from Honduras that has 3300 migrants. According to DHS, the total violent criminals is 53, including sexual offenses, assault with a deadly weapon, and attempted murder. Again, using the magic of my calculator, that's 1.6% of the migrants. I'd bet there's a higher proportion of violent people in any office building.
By the way, drug offenses aside, there is no blanket prohibition on people with criminal convictions coming to the United States. It's a case-by-case thing.
Nearly half of crimes these criminals were convicted of were being in the United States illegally and traffic offenses, with another good amount being low-level drug offenses, like possession. And according to Customs and Border Patrol's own numbers, just 4.4% of the total number of migrants who came to the country in 2018 had criminal convictions. Almost none, statistically, were for violent crime, and we know who the violent criminals are because of the vetting process for asylum claims (and, sure, some probably slip through the cracks because that's how bureaucracy works).
This means that 95.6% of the migrants had no criminal record, despite the Trump administration's constant refrain that we are under some kind of existential threat. Yes, there is a humanitarian disaster at the border, but it's got to do with the criminal actions of our federal government and not the supposed criminality of the migrants.
Bear that in mind this weekend when ICE agents show up at churches to arrest families and deport them.
It's also got a link to a Fox "news" article, "Hundreds of migrant caravan members found to have US criminal histories." The email highlighted this passage:
The article itself goes into more numbers, including a caravan from Honduras that has 3300 migrants. According to DHS, the total violent criminals is 53, including sexual offenses, assault with a deadly weapon, and attempted murder. Again, using the magic of my calculator, that's 1.6% of the migrants. I'd bet there's a higher proportion of violent people in any office building.
By the way, drug offenses aside, there is no blanket prohibition on people with criminal convictions coming to the United States. It's a case-by-case thing.
Nearly half of crimes these criminals were convicted of were being in the United States illegally and traffic offenses, with another good amount being low-level drug offenses, like possession. And according to Customs and Border Patrol's own numbers, just 4.4% of the total number of migrants who came to the country in 2018 had criminal convictions. Almost none, statistically, were for violent crime, and we know who the violent criminals are because of the vetting process for asylum claims (and, sure, some probably slip through the cracks because that's how bureaucracy works).
This means that 95.6% of the migrants had no criminal record, despite the Trump administration's constant refrain that we are under some kind of existential threat. Yes, there is a humanitarian disaster at the border, but it's got to do with the criminal actions of our federal government and not the supposed criminality of the migrants.
Bear that in mind this weekend when ICE agents show up at churches to arrest families and deport them.
6/19/2019
Last Night's Trump Campaign Orgy
They lined up early in the foul musk of the moist, fetid Orlando air, the smell of spring already having been murdered by the sharp heat of summer. The media descended on the parking lot of the civic center named for Amway, a pyramid scheme business that promises riches for all who believe with their very souls in the lies that the company sells. Reporters interviewed every Jesse, Joyce, Mary Jo, Skeeter, and Bubba willing to open their mouths. "Of course, we had to be here," they said, "this is white trash Coachella and I'm ready to shake my titties for my president." Both the men and women there appeared to be able to do that.
When the Amway Center opened at last, they sweated even more profusely in anticipation. What would happen? Would they get to break out the hits, the "Lock her up" and the "Build the wall" and more? Would they be allowed to catch a glimpse of Trump's cheap Eastern European substitute for Jackie Kennedy? Would Eric be there? Don, Jr? Might this be a rare Ivanka sighting?
The crowd went insane when a giant papier-mache' bald eagle, legs spread wide, claws holding only arrows, was lowered to the stage. Then it dawned on them that they were looking right at the eagle's pussy. "Do eagles have pussies?" they wondered and went onto their smarter phones to find out. But they didn't have time because, all of a sudden, two tiny hands emerged and grabbed the eagle's pussy. Donald Trump slowly, with some assistance, emerged, birthed onto the stage by the symbol of America. And he was dressed in professional wrestler spandex, red, white, blue, stars, stripes, the whole flag as "God Bless the USA" surged through the speakers, so loud that some ears began to bleed, but their owners didn't care. Bleed away, for God, for country.
"The American Dream is back," Trump announced, gesturing at his grotesquely padded groin. "It's bigger and better, and stronger than ever before. 2016 was not merely another four-year election. This was a defining moment in American history." Then he did a pro wrestler walk around the stage, arms up, soaking in the heaving, frothing love from the surging crowd. He gestured upward at a cage suspended above him. It held several dolls that looked like Central American migrants. "Now bring me the alligator," he said.
Two Secret Service agents came out with a large, lethargic, likely drugged alligator. They put it on the ground and stood guard with guns ready as Trump shooed them back. If it was possible, the people in the crowd went even crazier, recognizing the state sport of Florida. They tore their clothes and clawed their faces in ecstasy. The president of the United States flopped onto the alligator and rolled around with him for a little while before getting on the creature's back, pulling its head back, and putting his chin out with the alligator's upturned head held behind his chin, as one does. In that position, Trump cried out, "Many times I said, 'We would drain the swamp.' And that's exactly what we're doing right now, we're draining the swamp. And that's why the swamp is fighting back so viciously and violently." He stood up and waved at the agents to take the alligator away.
He did another winner's triumphant walk around the stage and then a man without a shirt who was wearing a Barack Obama mask came out. His obviously white skin had been half-ass coated with brown makeup, and he wore a sash that said, "Kenya's #1 son" on it. He danced around a little, shucking and jiving, doing a proper Jim Crow jig for the laughing, hooting crowd. Then he acted like he was going to wrestle Trump. But Trump had other ideas.
Once again, the Secret Service agents came out, and they handed Trump a long bullwhip. The Obama-masked man realized what was happening and tried to get away, but he was held steady by the agents. Obviously panicking, he pulled off the mask to reveal that he was Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, a white man, and there was silence. Trump smirked at the crowd and gestured for them to put the Obama mask back on him, which made the crowd so much more comfortable.
As he unfurled the whip, Trump said, "Remember, President Obama's famous line caught on the open mic, secretly telling the Russian president to quote, 'Inform Vladimir that after my election I'll have more flexibility.' Okay. Remember that?" And he whipped Mulvaney/Obama's back, and the audience lost their goddamn minds with shouts and screams. "Remember that?" he repeated. And he whipped again, with Obama's cries just making Trump's supporters practically orgasmic. The Proud Boys could be seen openly weeping in joy. "Lot of people remember that, I remembered it." Whip. "I saw it happen." Whip. "I didn't like it." Whip. Welted up and slumped over, the sweat and blood washing the brown off his skin, Trump nodded and Mulvaney/Obama was taken off stage.
When the person in a pants suit and a Hillary Clinton mask came out, people wondered who it might be. Now, finally, there might be some actual wrestling because Hillary got into a wrestler's pose. Trump waddled over to Hillary and turned to the crowd to say, "The only collusion was committed by the Democrats, the fake news media and their operatives and the people who funded the phony dossier, crooked Hillary Clinton and the DNC" before picking up Hillary and body slamming her onto the stage. To be fair to Hillary, it looked like she did most of the work. But it still seemed to honestly stun her. The mask slipped a bit and white hair peeked through. Obviously, it was Vice President Mike Pence.
Then he adjusted and became Hillary again, shaking her finger at Trump, facing off against her 2016 nemesis who refused to let go of his victory. Trump went on the attack again, knocking Hillary to the floor saying, ""If you want to know how the system is rigged, just compare how they came after us for three years with everything they had, versus the free pass they gave to Hillary and her aides after they set up an illegal server," Trump started to smash Hillary's head against the floor again and again. "Destroyed evidence, deleted, and acid washed 33,000 e-mails." You could hear Pence's raspy, weak voice shout, "Mother!" as if it was a safe word.
No safety would be found for Pence or his Hillary because, goddamnit, it was Trump's rally.
Slowly crawling to get off the stage, Trump pulled Pence/Hillary back, pulled down the white pants, shoved down his tights, and, just before thrusting his dick into Pence's ass (for, indeed, he may have been wearing a Hillary mask, but it was Mike Pence's ass), he said, "They called us deplorables, that was a mistake. That was a big mistake. I'll never forget. I was making a speech after Hillary used the word deplorables, and I didn't think it was that bad, you know why? She used another word. You know what the other word was?" Then, plunged in, Pence confused and, from one angle, aroused, Trump yelled, "She said, deplorables and irredeemables. I think that was worse!" as he pumped and pumped, his orange face now a deep crimson.
By this point, the entire Amway Center had become a giant fuck fest, with bellies slapping against asses and fingers in pussies and sphincters and faces buried in cock. The children there were told to watch, that this is what the real America is, that this is how real Americans behave, that women should be raped and black men should be beaten and refugees should be caged and, hey, where are the queers, we should get them, too, and, goddamnit, don't you want this America to be the America you inherit? No, don't fuckin' talk to us about climate change and how the streets of Florida towns flood every high tide. That shit's not real. You want Trump's America where reality is a myth and myth is reality and you can fuck your daughter if she's hot.
Of course, Trump came first. And then he stood up and watched, pleased at the undulating pile of white asses and the scent of cum and juices and sweat. To keep them going, he took the microphone and cried out, "Our radical Democrat opponents are driven by hatred, prejudice, and rage. They want to destroy you and they want to destroy our country, as we know it. Not acceptable, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen." The cage opened and the migrant dolls fell onto the stage, with an uncomfortably loud and convincing thud as Trump kicked them off the edge.
Then, as the mass of fucking, barely distinguishable human bodies started to disentangle, Trump cooed, "We have been blessed by God with the greatest nation on the face of the earth and we are going to keep it that way. We are going to keep it that way." Then he grabbed the eagle by the pussy again and exited through it.
After the speech, the news media rolled their eyes and laughed, saying it was just Trump being Trump and that Democrats should think about how to win over those voters.
New Episode of Another Goddamn Podcast: Fox News Poisons Us All
I've got a new episode of Another Goddamn Podcast up now. I'm talking with Reece Peck, author of Fox Populism: Branding Conservatism as Working Class, about how Fox "news" pissed in the well of American politics and paved the damned way for Trump's presidency. It's a fascinating, smart discussion with a fascinating, smart person.
Check it out here. Or on your own pod players. And rate this motherfucker.
Also, listen to my fellow chatterers on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network. It's pretty awesome shit right there.
Check it out here. Or on your own pod players. And rate this motherfucker.
Also, listen to my fellow chatterers on the Sexy Liberal Podcast Network. It's pretty awesome shit right there.
6/17/2019
Random Shit from Trump's Dumb, Weird Interview on ABC
Whenever President Dementia J. Pumpkinface gives a lengthy interview, as he did with ABC's George Stephanopoulos last week, you know it's going to be the rhetorical equivalent of watching a morbidly obese nude man attempting to force his head over his gut to suck his own dick while at the same time reaming his ass out with a giant, fist-shaped dildo, and when he finally just cums on his face, he smiles at you, sweaty and jizzy, fully expecting your applause for this feat of self-pleasuring contortion when, really, you just wanted the whole thing to end before it started and you feel filthy and nauseous for even giving him the attention he wanted, regretting all the decisions in your life that brought you to this moment.
The interview had already garnered headlines for a clip where Trump pretty much invited foreign governments to give him information on his political opponents, which would be, you know, collusion, and he wouldn't report a thing to the FBI. But the whole interview is something to behold. It is a portrait of a criminal and a madman with all the power anyone in the world could possibly possess and he's so dumb that he just cares about how cool and tough he looks. Seriously, the only thing that's holding Trump back from going full Mussolini is how fucking lazy, physically and intellectually, he is.
It's hard to pinpoint the most enraging, pathetic part of the interview.
It might be Trump's response when Stephanopoulos is talking to him about whether he can trust North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Trump says, "Almost of any undeveloped country anywhere in the world, that country has the chance to be economically a behemoth." Stephanopoulos brings up how Kim is "imprisoning" and "starving" the people there. Trump scoffs, "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about from an economic standpoint. He's between China, Russia...It's all in the oceans. It's phenomenal. It's-- it's a phenomenal location. That country can be so rich. And he knows that." You hear that and you gotta think that our motherfucking president is talking to Kim about building a fucking hotel there, enslaved and tortured people be damned.
It might be when Trump goes full Mamet talking about the fact that he was trying to get a Trump Tower built in Moscow. Stephanopoulos says that Trump was "pursuing it," which leads to this line that could be out of Hell's dinner theatre version of Glengarry Glen Ross: "Excuse me, excuse me. Pursuing, what does pursuing mean? You know because someone walks in, says, 'Hey we’re looking at...' Do you know that I don’t even think they had a site? I don’t even think they knew who was going to do the deal. It was a concept of a deal, more of a concept than anything else. It was a concept of a deal someplace in Russia, probably in Moscow." Yeah, motherfucker, that's "pursuing." Words have meaning. Or maybe they don't anymore. Who fuckin' knows.
It might be one of the many times that Trump loses his shit and spouts legitimate insanity about the Mueller report, about Robert Mueller, about James Comey, about anyone he perceives is trying to get him. He says, "Did nothing wrong, George. Did nothing wrong. There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore...There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore. Russ- Russia's not mentioned. Now, it's all about obstruct-- obstruction of what? They built up a phony crime. They hired a man that hated Trump. He hired 18 people that were Democrats that hated Trump. Some of them contributed to Clinton's campaign. A couple of them worked for Clinton. I mean, what kind of a rigged deal is this? And then on top of it, after two years and after being the most transparent in history, I gave them 1.5 million pages of documents, right? I gave them four or five hundred witnesses." Trump didn't "give them" witnesses. That's how many were interviewed. Trump sees himself as controlling every fucking thing. And goes to paranoia-land rather than just shut the fuck up, which he totally could do about this. "No comment" is an answer. Not this self-aggrandizing prick. He's like Nixon on Adderall.
Beyond the dictator worship and the mob boss/tough guy bullshit and the refusal to believe that words have definitions beyond what he gives them, one consistent thread through the interview is Trump being so goddamn arrogant about what he knows. "I know more about prosecutors than you'll ever know," he tells Stephanopoulos. "People don't understand tariffs, but I understand them," he tells Stephanopoulos right after demonstrating that he doesn't understand tariffs. And, of course, his complete knowledge of America's past: "There's never been a time in the history of our country where somebody was so mistreated as I have been." This doesn't even get into the multiple times that Trump says the Mueller report exonerates him on "collusion" with Russia, which Stephanopoulos challenges him on every single time, and Trump insists that he's read the report, which, you know, c'mon.
Yet my favorite moment might be when Trump insists that Article II of the Constitution gives him the broad power to fire whoever he wants, obstruction be damned. He tells Stephanopoulos to "Read it for your audience" as Stephanopoulos insists he knows what's in it and tries to question Trump about Article II. Trump interrupts a question that was no doubt going to require actual knowledge of Article II and not just an idiot's insistence that he read it. He says, "You know what? Let's get onto another subject." Yeah, maybe let's not talk about the Constitution with the Rhodes scholar who worked in the White House for four years.
It was just one obscene degradation of the presidency and the country after another, worse than most Trump appearances because he was so obviously faking it, so obviously lying about shit he's lied about over and over, so obviously relying on a moron's bullying bravado to get him through it, so impressed by the smell of his own shit that he couldn't help himself from shitting more.
When he was done, Trump asked Mick Mulvaney, who was choking on a cough, for a towel to wipe the spunk off his face, some of the orange skin dye coming off with it. Then he winked at Stephanopoulos as he undulated away. Stephanopoulos barely made it to the Rose Garden before he started vomiting in self-hatred for having forced himself to endure that performance and for whatever part he played in making it happen.
(Note: No insult meant to people who get sexual pleasure watching morbidly obese men attempt auto-fellatio while dildo-fisting their own assholes until they ejaculate on their faces. It's a niche kink, sure, but, hey, enjoy. However, if one did not sign up for that, it would likely be a bit disturbing.)
The interview had already garnered headlines for a clip where Trump pretty much invited foreign governments to give him information on his political opponents, which would be, you know, collusion, and he wouldn't report a thing to the FBI. But the whole interview is something to behold. It is a portrait of a criminal and a madman with all the power anyone in the world could possibly possess and he's so dumb that he just cares about how cool and tough he looks. Seriously, the only thing that's holding Trump back from going full Mussolini is how fucking lazy, physically and intellectually, he is.
It's hard to pinpoint the most enraging, pathetic part of the interview.
It might be Trump's response when Stephanopoulos is talking to him about whether he can trust North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Trump says, "Almost of any undeveloped country anywhere in the world, that country has the chance to be economically a behemoth." Stephanopoulos brings up how Kim is "imprisoning" and "starving" the people there. Trump scoffs, "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about from an economic standpoint. He's between China, Russia...It's all in the oceans. It's phenomenal. It's-- it's a phenomenal location. That country can be so rich. And he knows that." You hear that and you gotta think that our motherfucking president is talking to Kim about building a fucking hotel there, enslaved and tortured people be damned.
It might be when Trump goes full Mamet talking about the fact that he was trying to get a Trump Tower built in Moscow. Stephanopoulos says that Trump was "pursuing it," which leads to this line that could be out of Hell's dinner theatre version of Glengarry Glen Ross: "Excuse me, excuse me. Pursuing, what does pursuing mean? You know because someone walks in, says, 'Hey we’re looking at...' Do you know that I don’t even think they had a site? I don’t even think they knew who was going to do the deal. It was a concept of a deal, more of a concept than anything else. It was a concept of a deal someplace in Russia, probably in Moscow." Yeah, motherfucker, that's "pursuing." Words have meaning. Or maybe they don't anymore. Who fuckin' knows.
It might be one of the many times that Trump loses his shit and spouts legitimate insanity about the Mueller report, about Robert Mueller, about James Comey, about anyone he perceives is trying to get him. He says, "Did nothing wrong, George. Did nothing wrong. There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore...There was no collusion. You don't even hear Russia mentioned anymore. Russ- Russia's not mentioned. Now, it's all about obstruct-- obstruction of what? They built up a phony crime. They hired a man that hated Trump. He hired 18 people that were Democrats that hated Trump. Some of them contributed to Clinton's campaign. A couple of them worked for Clinton. I mean, what kind of a rigged deal is this? And then on top of it, after two years and after being the most transparent in history, I gave them 1.5 million pages of documents, right? I gave them four or five hundred witnesses." Trump didn't "give them" witnesses. That's how many were interviewed. Trump sees himself as controlling every fucking thing. And goes to paranoia-land rather than just shut the fuck up, which he totally could do about this. "No comment" is an answer. Not this self-aggrandizing prick. He's like Nixon on Adderall.
Beyond the dictator worship and the mob boss/tough guy bullshit and the refusal to believe that words have definitions beyond what he gives them, one consistent thread through the interview is Trump being so goddamn arrogant about what he knows. "I know more about prosecutors than you'll ever know," he tells Stephanopoulos. "People don't understand tariffs, but I understand them," he tells Stephanopoulos right after demonstrating that he doesn't understand tariffs. And, of course, his complete knowledge of America's past: "There's never been a time in the history of our country where somebody was so mistreated as I have been." This doesn't even get into the multiple times that Trump says the Mueller report exonerates him on "collusion" with Russia, which Stephanopoulos challenges him on every single time, and Trump insists that he's read the report, which, you know, c'mon.
Yet my favorite moment might be when Trump insists that Article II of the Constitution gives him the broad power to fire whoever he wants, obstruction be damned. He tells Stephanopoulos to "Read it for your audience" as Stephanopoulos insists he knows what's in it and tries to question Trump about Article II. Trump interrupts a question that was no doubt going to require actual knowledge of Article II and not just an idiot's insistence that he read it. He says, "You know what? Let's get onto another subject." Yeah, maybe let's not talk about the Constitution with the Rhodes scholar who worked in the White House for four years.
It was just one obscene degradation of the presidency and the country after another, worse than most Trump appearances because he was so obviously faking it, so obviously lying about shit he's lied about over and over, so obviously relying on a moron's bullying bravado to get him through it, so impressed by the smell of his own shit that he couldn't help himself from shitting more.
When he was done, Trump asked Mick Mulvaney, who was choking on a cough, for a towel to wipe the spunk off his face, some of the orange skin dye coming off with it. Then he winked at Stephanopoulos as he undulated away. Stephanopoulos barely made it to the Rose Garden before he started vomiting in self-hatred for having forced himself to endure that performance and for whatever part he played in making it happen.
(Note: No insult meant to people who get sexual pleasure watching morbidly obese men attempt auto-fellatio while dildo-fisting their own assholes until they ejaculate on their faces. It's a niche kink, sure, but, hey, enjoy. However, if one did not sign up for that, it would likely be a bit disturbing.)
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