- Right up front: this is a high-context post.
- If you haven’t watched all three seasons of Deadwood, then none of this will make any sense.
- For example, one of the bullet points will, for a moral certainty, be composed in its entirety of: Hey, it’s Con Stapleton!
- And I will not explain:
- Who the fuck Con Stapleton is.
- Why the fuck he merits an exclamation point.
- In the plainest words I can muster: this is inside baseball, and unless you know which character was always bitching about the newspaper not carrying the baseball scores, you will not enjoy the following writing.
- Also: spoilers.
- Okay, show’s starting.
- A train!
- A Jane!
- A drunken monologue!
- And the winner for “Fakest CG Train of 2019” goes to…D: TM!
- Holy shit, Al looks terrible.
- Not Ian McShane.
- He looks as though he’s been getting facial treatments for fifteen years.
- Charlie’s here, and so is Jewell the Gimp, and Doc Cochran.
- The last of whom, you’ll recall, was puking up blood regularly by the end of Season Three.
- I guess his tuberculosis got better.
- I will try not to keep repeating this, but: All these fuckers look old as fuck.
- Charlie Utter, for example, has aged a billion years in 13 years.
- (It’s been 13 years in the real world, but in the Deadwood Cinematic Universe, a decade has passed.)
- Bullock!
- And Mrs. Bullock!
- They are all hot to trot: the man can’t keep his hands off her crinoline.
- E.B. is still at the hotel; he is identical in appearance, but the building is not: brick has replaced wood.
- Hearst!
- You murdering, conniving cocksucker.
- You know he’s up to no good.
- I mean, he’s a U.S. Senator now, so obviously he’s up to no good.
- Trixie is enormously pregnant and HOLY SHIT, STARR GOT OLD.
- Did John Hawkes contract progeria recently?
- Fucker looks like he’s defending the Holy Grail.
- We’re on page 17, roughly, of the screenplay; we’re gonna need an Inciting Incident here, fellows.
- Oh, there it is.
- Trixie calling Hearst a cunt and a murderer during a parade.
- That’ll do it.
- Hearst doesn’t enjoy being called a cunt in private, but he simply won’t abide it in public.
- There is also a new hooker in town, and she is deeply symbolic.
- The production designers deserve an award for so cleverly disguising the ridiculously giant teeth that Timothy Olyphant installed in his mouth several years ago.
- Hey, it’s Alma Garrett-Ellsworth.
- Missed you, you junkie slut.
- A complication!
- Hearst has made an offer on Charlie Utter’s land so as to string his telephone poles through it.
- You cant fuck the future.
- Future fucks you.
- Charlies a goner, man.
- On second viewing, Hearst’s plots seem a bit off.
- AUNT LOU!
- She’s midwifing Trixie.
- Aunt Lou, apparently, does know about birthin’ babies.
- Ah, everyone’s favorite show biz bullshit: the three-month old newborn.
- Calamity Jane is now asking Charlie Utter for romantic advice.
- Remember how Calamity Jane got all Sapphic with Joanie Stubbs?
- The lesbianism took, I guess.
- And now she’s back in town and she wants her Joanie back
- But Joanie is–and this will shock fans of Deadwood–mopey.
- Hearst is wearing the same sort of magenta gloves (proudly) that Ellsworth (whom he had murdered) begrudgingly donned for his wedding.
- Oh, God, N—-r General.
- Why the fuck are you still in Deadwood?
- Go somewhere else.
- Go anywhere else.
- I mean, nowhere in America is safe for you, N—-r General, but there must be locations that are safer.
- WU!
- HANG DAI, COCKSUCKER!
- Never really learned English, did you?
- Good for you, Wu.
- I’d watch a show that retold the stories from the series from Wu’s POV.
- Hey, that new whore is back.
- Being symbolic and saying meaningful shit and all that.
- Oh, God, N—-r General.
- Why did you stay at the scene of Charlie’s murder?
- WHY WON’T YOU RUN AWAY, MAN?
- Oh, for fuck’s sake, now Bullock has called Hearst a cunt in public.
- It’s like they want him to burn the camp down.
- I cannot, for the life of me, feature on the meaning of New Whore.
- (She’s got a name now. It’s New Whore.)
- Did HBO demand that someone on the screen not look grizzled?
- YEEEEEESSSSSS!
- BULLLLLLLLLLLLOCK!
- I’m not explaining what those last two points refer to.
- If you watched D: TM, then you’ll know.
- If you didn’t, then you stopped reading 600 words ago.
- Either way is okay by me.
- “That is a goddamned gold commemorative worth twelve-to-fifteen dollars.”
- You know about David Milch, right?
- Can’t tell you the day of the week, but can write lines like that.
- Which makes it worse.
- That’s the worst way to go.
- Knowing that it’s happening.
- Watching it as an onlooker.
- Seriously, how the fuck is Doc still alive?
- FREDERICK DOUGLAS!
- That’s the haircut N—-r General has.
- Been bothering me all night.
- I preferred the old style:
- You remember this scene, right?
- I think was Season Two.
- How many times has Franklin Ajaye played “Guy Who Shouldn’t Have Gone In That Bar?”
- And Farnham gets a mini-monologue.
- Here’s how good D:TM is: the fan service doesn’t feel like fan service.
- Why is George Hearst–who is, I remind you, a sitting U.S. Senator–directly dealing with the assassins?
- In his fucking hotel room?
- Doesn’t he have a guy?
- A majordomo?
- Literally every single time a character on Deadwood refers to the town of Lead, I say to myself “It’s pronounced Leed, but it’s spelled Lead.“
- Every.
- Single.
- Time.
- I am a simple man with small and common thoughts.
- PEACHES!
- FUCKING PEACHES!
- That’s the fan service I was talking about.
- Generally, fan service is distracting and, at worst, embarrassing.
- One recalls the “Ladies Kickin’ Ass” shot from the climax of Avengers: Edamame.
- But here, it is like a sweet gift from the creators of the show.
- Jeffrey Jones.
- Jeffrey fucking Jones.
- He’s back.
- That’s a choice by the producers, I suppose.
- Dunno if I would have made that choice.
- MRS. ELLSWORTH SLAPPING HER MASSIVE COCK ON THE GEM’S BAR!
- Auctions are a great place to be rich.
- There’s no place it’s bad to be rich, honestly, but auctions are a fun place to be rich.
- Harry Manning, you asshole.
- I’m glad you got so fat.
- YES!
- THE BULLOCK SPECIAL!
- Straddling a cocksucker in the Thoroughfare, and punching that cocksucker repeatedly in the face!
- That’s his signature move.
- It’s like when Jimmy Snuka would do the Superfly off the top rope.
- You’d leave upset if you didn’t see it.
- Okay, I had to pause it just so could get the lines right.
- “I expect you believe that a badge insulates you from certain untoward consequences?”
- “Much as you being a U.S. Senator will insulate you from jail.”
- Trixie had the baby around 18 hours ago; she is now up and about and flat-bellied and running back to Al.
- LOOPY CUNT!
- You know you’re watching a dark teevee show when “Loopy Cunt” is an in-universe term of endearment.
- I’m in love with the cinematography.
- I wanna make sweet love to the cinematography of this movie.
- And then flip it over and make horrible love to it.
- Holy shit, why is Al Swearengen allowed to hold a baby?
- That’s just unholy.
- Even dying of cirrhosis, Al looks cool.
- His hair is…well, you know.
- Calamity Jane and Joanie are way more public with their lesbianics than I would have imagined would have been acceptable in 1890.
- Also funny to imagine: Al is, of course, missing the middle finger of his left hand.
- Well, it’s not missing.
- He left it on Hearst’s table when Captain Turner chopped it off.
- So I would assume that they digitally erased it, but to do that, Ian McShane had to wear a green finger condom during shooting.
- That, to me, is funny.
- Hey, it’s Con Stapleton!
- Wedding, wedding, pig and froggy wedding.
- SOL STARR STOMPED ON THE GLASS!
- FUCK ME, HE STOMPED ON THE GLASS!
- Seriously, Jane and Joanie are dancing and making out right on the dance floor at the wedding.
- Now, obviously, I have no problem with it.
- But–again–it’s 1890.
- A black guy was just lynched that afternoon.
- The offices of the Deadwood Pioneer have been relocated across the Thoroughfare, from their previous abutment against the Gem.
- Here it comes.
- Here’s the money shot.
- Give the people what they want, Milch.
- Hearst, finally as defenseless as was the camp to his murdering machinations.
- But we are not satisfied.
- No.
- Give it to us, Milch.
- GIVE US WHAT WE WANT!
- …
- BAM! Bullock takes Hearst by the ear
- And Calamity Jane was the Secret Hero all along.
- Knew it was in her.
- And now the second (major character) death of the film: the N—-r General.
- I can’t understand a word he says, and Bullock gets to cry and act.
- Black man gets fucked again.
- And now it’s Al’s turn.
- You know he had to die.
- The slaving cocksucker gets a better end than most on this planet.
- He is at home, the home that he built.
- With his own two hands.
- And he is surrounded by his community, even the ghosts who won’t fuck off.
- Ghosts never know when to fuck off.
- Bullock gets his happy ending, which he did not deserve; Al gets the last word, which he did.
- And then the dragons burned everyone in the camp to death.
- So good night, all you hoopleheads, and all you cocksuckers; good night to the livery and to Wu’s pigs; good night to the faro dealers, bartenders, and junkies; good night to the stage arriving presently on the Spearfish Road; good night to the Pioneer, the Bella Union, the Number 10, the Grand Central Hotel, and the Gem Saloon.
- Pussy’s half-price for the next twenty minutes.
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perfect.
this….wasn’t a movie…it was a two hour long episode season finale like Star Trek: Voyager did. Everyone just arrived home. The End.
ToTD,
Can you use your influence in the Dead community, not the scholarly community which you dominate, i refer to your connections to the boys themselves?
How connected are you?
Well, I know for example that Big Steve sent a crew out to help you move, because well prankster energy more or less, and that you now have prankster name.
Well… I digress..
My point is we need a Jeff set.
Without a doubt it is Jeff who brought
Milestones, Favorite things, Love Supreme into the post space Jam.
Post Space needs a Jeff C mini set.
Pass that on
Thanks,
Tor
Me to my Mom: “you ever watch This Deadwood on the TeeVee?”
“..digitally erased it…” there was a nice pun there. Or irony, or something. Well played.
I waited until I rewatched the entire series to watch the movie. I’d been slowly reabsorbing the series over the last few months when I had time. Now I had time to finish it. A wonderful piece of fan service and here are some of my observations of fan service and disservice.
– The fire can galloping away to put out the fire Bullock started. Fat Harry Manning always wanted the town to have a fire department and now, there it is.
– It would have been too much to believe that Steve the Racist Drunk would still be around in his wheelbarrow. (Aside – did not realize that the same actor was the guy in Orange is The New Black. – good job on him.)
– But what about Blazanov? I guess the actor was busy but I don’t see much on his resume at that time.
– I’m glad Jack Langrishe was not still there. I know that historically the man was there but I never understood why that theatrical troupe got so much screen time in Season 3. I love me some Brian Cox but the rest of his troupe were just time fillers. (Aside – I’ve always wanted to see a remake of The Thing With Two Heads starring Brian Cox & Bryan Cox.)
– I wished they gave a nod to Richardson. Maybe a close up of the wishbone he used to pray with to the longhorn skull on the wall.
– that is all. Thanks for all you do. Be well. Be sane. We will get by.
I need to watch the whole thing again. I wonder when I’ll have some free time…