Well, it’s Christmas. Almost. So, as is tradition, it’s time to roll out the barrel, hang those roaring chestnut fires and look for truth in Fake News. Yay. I think.
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house, aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Christmas Song banned for questionable sexual undertone.
Christmas songs are a seasonal plague, a wintery condition made more severe by the icy crosswinds of wokeness. This week, one Cleveland radio station agreed to stop playing the competent Kringle cut Baby it’s cold outside for supposed rape-like undertones in the lyrics. The duet was eviscerated primarily on the basis of one singer’s attempts to persuade the other to stay, with the offending lyrics being “What’s in this drink?” and “Baby, don’t hold out.”
The “Baby Its Cold Outside” Christmas song factually checked against today’s woke culture. I’m all for progress, let’s just make sure we get our points down right. pic.twitter.com/wNVAfLY5H8
— JA⚡️eux Noel 🎁 (@jasminlovesyoux) November 30, 2018
I mean, sure. But applying the powers of assumption, you could turn any Christmas standard into a lump of coal come yuletide morn.
For example. Why is it white Christmas? Moreover, should we entertain the dour/hopeful bars of Please come home for Christmas, where a jilted lover yearns for a relationship squandered, where he’ll spend his holiday taking out his heartbreak on his friends and family, and/or pursuing that whoever to return, whether Christmas Day, or New Years night. The same goes for Last Christmas, and the toxic possessive whims within, after all, George gave you his heart.
Classic Fudgeboi Behaviour.
I mean, guys. Can’t we give it a rest? Don’t you know it’s Christmas?
Internet Curio #2 – Mystery image measures your stress, story behind image far worse.
Pop quiz, hotshot. Do you feel stressed? Of course, you do.
Let me ask you, do you feel more stressed out after viewing this image?
Yeah, me too.
This bastard construct is the work of real-life Japanese person Yamamoto Hashima, who believes that he can register your stress levels by analysing your reaction to the image. Probably because it’s wasting the finite time you have on this planet, and you’ve just wasted some of attempting to find meaning in something that is inherently meaningless. I mean, Hashima-san probably could make something of your obvious shrug and sharp exhale…if the man actually existed.
According to the actual author of the image, a Ukrainian illustrator named Yurii Perepadia, the piece is based it on the work of Akioshi Kitaoka, a Japanese psychology professor, however:
I drew this optical illusion in Adobe Illustrator on September 26, 2016. To create it, I used the effect of Akioshi Kitaoka. This is a white and black stroke on a colored background, which sets in motion the focus of vision and it seems to a person that the details of the image are moving. Japanese psychotherapist Yamamoto Hashima has nothing to do with this picture. Moreover, Yamamoto Hashima does not really exist.
Yeah, I stressed you out more.
Soz.
You mad?
Internet Curio #3 – Man receives woman’s brain in transplant, forgets how to drive.
And finally, because we’re a foolish breed, and we’re prone to spoil the most amazing of medical advancements, prepare yourselves for the story of Phil Robertson. Now, Mr Robertson received a brain transplant, a gracious gift from a victim of an automobile accident. So far, so meh. However, the story takes a clickbaity turn, as Phil can do everything he used to be able to do, except drive.
In the words of the man himself: “It’s strange because I’m able to speak, walk and do everything normally, but for some reason, driving is simply impossible. I had five accidents in less than two weeks. I use to drive semi trucks without problems, but now even parallel parking beyond my abilities.”
The operation also has pushed Phil in front in the mirror, who also suddenly believes that he’s fat. Now, if this sounds like some sort of protracted building-sight ribaldry, well spotted.
Where’d you get your doctorate in satire, professor?
I’m sorry. I’m hungry. Not your fault.
It’s this stupid brain.
Swapsies?
