Once more we trudge through the mire of Fake News. This week, we find truth caffeinated meat, Ellen’s biggest scam ever and Pharrell Williams going meta on Donald J. Trump.

 

 

As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created bacon and eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.

Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast); it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.

But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. It will leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring the two of you any closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.

We’re driving to Fake News’ house aren’t we? Ok.

 

Internet curio #1: Is Ellen giving away all the things?

There’s a social divide that splits us. One where we decide on a faction, and we freely lay down our spare time defending it. You’re either of Ellen or Oprah. If you’re both, this is why democracy no longer works. The history is clear to see. Oprah was the old Ellen, and old Ellen is the new Oprah. Both forces bait their audience with the promises of glittery prises. They’re essentially poker machines with corpuscles.

Over the past week, a story has been constantly shared that asks you to like or share the post in order to be in the running to receive expensive product giveaways. The posts look like they have originated from Ellen’s official Facebook page, but the posts in question are not particularly legitimate.

The Facebook giveaway claim is considered the fakest of news and rumoured to be linked to Facebook scammers who will possibly mine your data. Unless Ellen is getting desperate for ratings. I mean, power does crazy things to the mind. Let’s not rule it out. I see you, Ellen. Dancing in the aisles and skimming my bank cards.

Anything that openly claims that it is not a fraud, isn’t a fraud. Look at all that cash, look at all that lack of grammar. Besides, does this look like the face of someone who’d rip you off?

Does it?

 

Internet curio #2: Are Monster Energy drinks selling infused ham?

This is the stuff nightmares/bowel blockages are made of. But consider the year we sit in – as 2018 has witnessed the opening of the Disgusting Food Museum in Sweden (you are given a vomit bag as a ticket), it doesn’t seem entirely fake. The image of the “Energy Ham” has been shared by bemused and grossed out Facebook users, and claims to be “caffeinated sandwich meat”.

However (fortunately) this is the processed swine meat of fake news. Humorously, the creator of the image, Adam Padilla, marketed it with the singular hook: “…when your son Kyle is hungry after motocross practice.”

Don’t give them ideas, dingus.

 

Internet curio #3: Did Pharell Williams give Donald Trump a “cease and desist” letter?

In October 2018, Donald Trump stepped to a stage in Pittsburgh following the shooting at the Tree of Life Synagogue. As is his inexorable manner, his entrance was enabled by a song. That song was Pharrell Williams’ Happy. The choice of song in grim times might be a punishable offence, and the rumour going ’round town is that Williams sent Trump a “cease and desist” letter.

Of course, it’s true, but the blame should be attached to the venue, not Donald Trump, as they picked the song, not him. Donald would never ever take the stage after a massacre and marginalise the moment, or indeed, those brutally taken.

Here’s the video. Trump jokes that he considered canceling his speech to FFA because his hair got wet while talking to reporters (about the mass shooting in Pittsburgh). pic.twitter.com/wLb4hpERgF

— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) October 27, 2018

Nope, not at all, nope.