An Italian restaurateur has silenced noisy kids with the most ingenious strategy – by offering their parents a discount on their meals.

As the Victorian phrase goes, “Children must not be seen, nor heard”, which was presumably said by the parents of the time as to console the watery cries of their progeny as they were forced to go work in t’pit. However, while we’ve evolved our thinking in the century since, sometimes the old ways have lasting merit. For those short on attention (as those who possess lazy sperm can attest), there’s nothing at all in the world worse than a screaming kid at a restaurant.

Amiright?

An endeavouring restauranteur named Antonio Ferrari feels your lack of tolerance, and at his establishment has implemented a punishment/reward system for the parents of those miniature spawns of Cthulhu, awarding a 5% discount to those families who are able to keep the fruit of their loins from spoiling the meals of everyone else.

Ferrari says he came up with the concept when he spied five children dining at a table “with much composure” (which is fun to say in an Italian accent), and that the idea “grew from there”. Which is all well and good, but it does prompt a few questions. What level of complaint constitutes as too loud? Is there an elaborate system of decibel measuring equipment around the restaurant? If not, is there an independent referee to measure it impartially? And most importantly, is the discount also on offer to adults who dine properly and don’t act like petulant bankers getting mashed for no reason at lunchtime? Where does the discount start and end?

Moreover, this story has an end which muddies the water, and perhaps elevates Ferrari to that of an unscrupulous marketing genius: the family who received the initial discount of $14 left a tip of $32, which is a tidy profit of $18.

Biasimare, Antonio.