Chicken’s Eyes Catch First-Ever Glint Of Sunlight Through Crack In Warehouse Ceiling Just Before Head Sliced Off
CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof…
‘What’s All This I’m Hearing About People Getting Security Clearances?’ Asks Confused Mike Pompeo To White House Staff Avoiding Eye Contact
WASHINGTON—Wondering if he had missed an important memo, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly appeared confused…
Pros And Cons Of Making Birth Control Available Over The Counter
Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it…
Avocados May Run Out If U.S.–Mexico Border Closed
In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados…
New Trump Proposal Could Strip 750,000 Of Food Stamps
Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps…
Tucker Carlson Challenges Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To A Date
WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping…
Santa Anita Racetrack Officials Award First Place To Jockey Who Dragged Dead Horse 30 Yards Over Finish Line
ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa…
Increasingly Cocky Bernie Sanders Announces He Won’t Take Donations Over 27 Cents
DAVENPORT, IA—Asserting he could fund his campaign just fine no matter how small the contributions were, increasingly…
White House Reversing Security Clearance Denials
According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring…
Scientists Announce Discovery Of Dry Ice On Mars Means Planet May One Day Be Suitable For Halloween Party
PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations,…
Top Reasons To Consider A Road Trip For Your Next Family Vacation
Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and…
Brett Kavanaugh Reiterates Cruel And Unusual Punishment What Makes Someone A True Kappa
WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the…