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Trump Really Wants To Give You Mueller Report, But It's Under Audit And He Doesn't Want To

Could he BE any more obvious?

IT'S DUE DAY! House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler told Attorney General Bill Barr that the due date for FUCKING GIVE IT the Mueller report is TODAY, as in RIGHT NOW, as in put your pencils down and give us that motherfucking thing, because this is not our first Watergate, you fucking criminals.

As we've noted since the end of the Mueller investigation, all the talk from Donald Trump and his protectors about wanting to give us the Mueller report is for show. They want us to believe Trump has been given a clean bill of health, because Barr wrote a seven-word mash note saying Trump was pure as the driven snow, when they know the truth is the opposite. And now we are really seeing the pivot.

Exhibit "A" is Trump himself, who has in recent days been suggesting that if they give us the Mueller report, the Democrats are just going to want MORE, MORE, MORE. Not sure how we can demand MORE MUELLER REPORTS after we get the first one, but YOU CAN BET WE'LL TRY:

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Howard Schultz Knows Who To Blame For Trump Closing Mexican Border

You didn't think he was going to say Trump, did you?

We'd almost forgotten all about "centrist independent" Howard Schultz. It was wonderful. We'd started drinking Starbucks coffee again. Unfortunately, the kinda-maybe presidential candidate no one demanded has resurfaced, adding insult to our acid reflux.

Donald Trump is threatening to close the border with the United Kingdom of Mexico and all its subsidiary Mexican countries. People who think for a living argue that this rash response to an imaginary crisis would result in a very real economic one. This is a good opportunity for Schultz to flex his middle-of-the-road moderate muscles and take a principled stand against Trump's buffoonery. He did about as well as a Starbucks barista with our name ("Steven," "Stephan," "Only Black Guy Here").

"Shut up, Wesley!"Twitter

How are Democrats -- or even "Washington" for that matter -- responsible for Trump's deranged "national security" policies? To borrow from the people's president Hillary Clinton, they aren't even "policies" or "ideas" just a "dangerously incoherent ... series of bizarre rants, personal feuds, and outright lies."

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Tucker Carlson: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Making Chris Hayes A Big Homogay

Tucker Carlson keeps finding new ways to be Tucker Carlson. He proved Monday that every day is April Fool's on his high-rated but advertiser-light FOX show. MSNBC's Chris Hayes hosted a town hall on Friday with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to discuss the Green New Deal. Carlson lacks the critical thinking skills to comment coherently on her actual policies and instead just resorted to schoolyard taunts. We guess it works for the president. (It does not work for the president.)

Carlson mocked liberals for believing "all life on this planet" would end in 12 years. No one, by the way, believes this. What Ocasio-Cortez and actual climate scientists have said is that we have 12 years to avoid irreversible damage to the climate. It is somehow "funny" for conservatives to pretend Ocasio-Cortez is running around Congress shouting the "end of the world is nigh."

Carlson specifically and grossly targeted his competitor Hayes in a sexist, homophobic tirade that was shocking even for a child rape apologist.

CARLSON: Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieved absolute power in this country: apologetic, bespectacled, and deeply, deeply concerned about global warming and the patriarchal systems that cause it.

Uh, Tucker, you're not at home performing your best Travis Bickle in front of a mirror. That's a TV camera. We can see you.

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Whistleblower Warbles Pretty Tune On *25* Shady Security Clearances

In today's episode of ELECTIONS FUCKING MATTER, Congressional Badass Elijah Cummings is ready to kick the investigation of White House security clearance shenanigans into high gear. Remember Carl Kline, the guy who overruled career staff to give clearances to Jared and Ivanka Kushner Trump, then allegedly retaliated against his employee Tricia Newbold, who has a rare form of dwarfism, by repeatedly rearranging the office to put files literally over her head?

Well, guess who's getting a brand, new subpoena today! Really, we can't think of a more deserving candidate to be hauled before Congress to explain himself on national television. Because Ms. Newbold spent all day Saturday with the Oversight Committee telling them about the 25 times the security evaluators wrote NFW on a clearance application, only to have Kline come behind them and give the applicant a clean bill of health. She told the Oversight Committee:

[I]f we have five disqualifiers listed, it is his responsibility and even my responsibility, as the second level reviewer, if I'm going to overturn my staff, to mitigate all five of them and to properly highlight those, so if the case does make it anywhere else, they're able to see written out in front of them the thought process and the work that went into the adjudicative recommendation.

Indeed, the president can override the security adjudication. But the adjudicators can't just ignore "serious disqualifying issues involving foreign influence, conflicts of interest, concerning personal conduct, financial problems, drug use, and criminal conduct" on their own -- no, not even if they just want to make Donald Trump really, really happy by saving him the trouble of having to mute the television for five minutes to scribble, "Merry Christmas, Jared. Enjoy the classified intel. Love, Poppy."

Newbold described several specific instances of clearance fuckery, including Senior White House Official 1 -- call him, say, "Kared Jushner" -- who "revealed significant disqualifying factors, including foreign influence, outside activities ('employment outside or businesses external to what your position at the EOP entails'), and personal conduct." Kline gave Jushner a thumbs up anyway, since "the activities occurred prior to Federal service." (Seriously!) And when Jushner applied for a higher level of clearance -- call it "Secured Compartmental Information" -- the second reviewing agency -- call it "the CIA" -- called up Newbold to ask WHO THE HELL gave Jushner the lower level clearance in the first place.

Then there was Senior White House Official 2. Call her, say, "Princess Nepotism." On the same day that "Jushner's" security clearance got jammed through, Newbold told Kline that she was going to turn down the Princess as well.

After learning this information, however, Mr. Kline instructed Ms. Newbold, "do not touch" the case. Soon thereafter, Mr. Kline adjudicated Senior White House Official 2 favorably for a security clearance, according to Ms. Newbold.

Finally, Newbold had recommended denying a clearance to Senior White House Official 3, for "a high-profile official at the National Security Council," Kline asked her to change her adjudication, which she refused. (We're guessing this one is Flynn lackey Robin Townley, who was nixed for a spot on the NSC in February 2017.)

Ms. Newbold also stated that she had concerns that Mr. Kline had been having calls "on a daily basis" with Senior White House Official 3 prior to this determination. Ms. Newbold stated: "I let him know early on that I had concerns with him having those conversations and it could potentially lead him to being biased toward the adjudication."

Totally normal for the evaluator to be kibbitzing on the regular with the subject of a clearance examination! This is all fine, at least according to Jim Jordan, who referred to the Oversight inquiry as "an excuse to go fishing through the personal files of dedicated public servants." Which is fucking rich coming from the guy who forced Rod Rosenstein to disclose classified FISA warrants.

We assume Jordan is similarly cool with Kline suspending Newbold for two weeks without pay because she "failed to follow a new policy created by Mr. Kline in November 2018 to scan documents in separate .pdf files instead of a single .pdf file when sending them to other agencies." And also, "defiance of authority," which is code for refusing to falsify clearance recommendations and forcing her boss to get his hands dirty, allegedly.

But Elijah Cummings is very not cool with this nonsense, and he has had it up to HERE with current White House Counsel Pat Cipollone's refusal to disclose requested documents or make staff available for interviews. Cipollone's insistence that oversight of the clearance prospect is outside the purview of the Oversight Committee is similarly ballsy, as Cummings has already pointed out.

So the congressman is about to break his subpoena pen off in the ass of Covington Catholic's most famous alumnus. His April 1 letter to Cipollone -- exhibit A when this inevitably winds up in before a judge -- reminds the White House Counsel:

In response, the White House has refused to produce a single piece of paper or a single requested witness. Instead, you claim to have "accommodated" the Committee's interests by providing a 90-minute briefing on general policy matters and an in camera review of a handful of guidance documents. You have refused to provide any information about the specific individuals the Committee is investigating, the specific instances of abuse, wrongdoing, or mistakes we have identified, or the problematic practices of the White House Security Office over the past two years.

The Committee has given the White House every possible opportunity to cooperate with this investigation, but you have declined. Your actions are now preventing the Committee from obtaining the information it needs to fulfill its Constitutional responsibilities.

So today, the subpoenas start dropping. And Mr. Kline, who now works at the Defense Department, can come on down to Congress and assert executive privilege if he likes. No doubt he'll make a sympathetic witness. Judges looooove political appointees who retaliate against career employees for ... screwing up a .pdf attachment. And rearranging the office to make files inaccessible to Tricia Newbold is pretty fucking ghoulish.

LOTSA LUCK, CARL.

[Oversight Memo / Cummings Letter Cipollone]

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Immigrants

Which Of These Racist A-Holes Will Be Trump's 'Immigration Czar'?

Adolf Eichmann disappointingly unavailable.

The Associated Press reports Donald Trump is pondering the possibility of appointing a Border Czar or an Immigration Czar of some kind, somebody who can coordinate Trump's all important Deport Everybody and Close the Border agendas across the multiple federal agencies currently responsible for carrying out immigration policy. Nothing's set yet, but the "four people familiar with the discussions" of the possible job told the AP Trump's already considering two stellar candidates out of all his immigrant-hatin' pals on the right: Former Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach, and former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. The story notes that Cuccinelli was seen at the White House on Monday, but that doesn't necessarily rule out other candidates either. Like, is David Duke available?

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Elections

Half-Ass Corrupt Baltimore Mayor Quits To Make Way For Excellent Corrupt Mayor Baltimore Deserves!

Always with the stupid shit!

Hello from Charm City, where we seem to have misplaced yet another mayor. How clumsy of us! Perhaps she's hiding in a warehouse off Pulaski Highway with the remaining 8,700 of her books purchased by the Baltimore City School system and never distributed. Knock twice if you're hiding in a box, Mayor Pugh!

In order to set up this story, we should start last month, when the Baltimore Sun reported that several members of the board of trustees at the University of Maryland Medical System (UMMS) had lucrative business deals with the UMMS. My very own state senator Jill Carter recently sponsored legislation to bar the state hospital chain from doing business with board members, which is good public policy, and has the added benefit of kneecapping a political rival. We really don't play nice here.

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Right Wing Extremism

DHS Sure Picked A Great Time To Disband A Domestic Terror Unit

Or not!

From the Pittsburgh synagogue mass shooting, to Charlottesville, to the mail bomb attempts on Donald Trump's enemies, the Tallahassee yoga studio shooting, the murder of Blaze Bernstein by a neo-Nazi, and other horrific acts of right-wing extremist terrorism in the last few years, it should be more than evident to anyone with eyes and ears and half a brain that it might be a good idea for law enforcement to keep an extra close eye on people and groups likely to commit such acts.

AND YET.

The Daily Beast reports that last year, the Department of Homeland Security disbanded a unit of analysts in its Office of Intelligence and Analysis (I&A) whose job it was to focus on domestic terror threats and homegrown violent extremism and share that information with state and local law enforcement, and assigned them to new positions.

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Science

Alzheimer's Disease Is A Asshole, According To Science

Te Encanta la Pinche Ciencia!

Two weeks ago, yet ANOTHER huge Phase III study trying to find a treatment for Alzheimer's Disease (AD) tanked big time. Biogen and its partner Eisai let the world know that their experimental drug Aducanumab failed, and right away, Biogen lost almost twenty billion dollars in market value. This was a drug that had promising Phase II data, but that was going after the disease in the same way as many other drugs that had tried and failed before it. What went wrong? I'm not an expert in the field, but I really think it's the wrong target. More on that later.

Of all the diseases out there, Alzheimer's has to score pretty high in the fucked up rankings. It's a devastating illness, insidious in the gradual way it destroys a person's life. It steals your memories, it changes your personality, it destroys your independence, it shatters your relationships and eventually it also takes your life. It's not only devastating to the patient but also to their family, friends and caregivers in ways that few other diseases are. Unlike cancer or heart disease, there are no good options for Alzheimer's patients. The five approved drugs only help symptoms but don't treat the actual disease. Because of that and because with an aging population it's a potential goldmine for pharma companies, drug development money is thrown at it faster than the actual science we understand about the disease would dictate. Before we get back to the failed drug, let's go into a little Wonksplainer on what Alzheimer's disease is.

Um ...

Well, we don't actually know!

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Culture

Tucker Carlson: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Making Chris Hayes A Big Homogay

No no no, it's the FROGS who are turning gay, Tucker, GET IT RIGHT.

Tucker Carlson keeps finding new ways to be Tucker Carlson. He proved Monday that every day is April Fool's on his high-rated but advertiser-light FOX show. MSNBC's Chris Hayes hosted a town hall on Friday with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to discuss the Green New Deal. Carlson lacks the critical thinking skills to comment coherently on her actual policies and instead just resorted to schoolyard taunts. We guess it works for the president. (It does not work for the president.)

Carlson mocked liberals for believing "all life on this planet" would end in 12 years. No one, by the way, believes this. What Ocasio-Cortez and actual climate scientists have said is that we have 12 years to avoid irreversible damage to the climate. It is somehow "funny" for conservatives to pretend Ocasio-Cortez is running around Congress shouting the "end of the world is nigh."

Carlson specifically and grossly targeted his competitor Hayes in a sexist, homophobic tirade that was shocking even for a child rape apologist.

CARLSON: Chris Hayes is what every man would be if feminists ever achieved absolute power in this country: apologetic, bespectacled, and deeply, deeply concerned about global warming and the patriarchal systems that cause it.

Uh, Tucker, you're not at home performing your best Travis Bickle in front of a mirror. That's a TV camera. We can see you.

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Congress

Trump GOP Still Screwing Puerto Rico Like It's Mexico Or Something

Disaster funding? But haven't we given 'that country' enough? (No.)

In a move nobody would have ever predicted after many Republicans opposed Hurricane Sandy relief to punish New York liberals in 2013, the nominally bipartisan process of approving disaster aid has turned into an ugly game of Dems trying to help people and Republicans sucking up to Donald Trump's latest racist whims. You see, since Donald Trump thinks Puerto Rico has had it far too easy following his WONDERFUL handling of Hurricane Maria in 2017, the Senate failed to pass either of two competing disaster aid bills yesterday, delaying money that would have paid for reconstruction of areas hit hard in the last year, delaying badly needed funds even longer. On the upside, at least it gave Trump the chance to lie about Puerto Rico some more!

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Class War

Who's The IRS Auditing Today, It Is All The Conservative PACs Right? JKJKJKJKLOL.

Oh, just more class warfare from the GOP.

An absolutely infuriating story from ProPublica yesterday reminds us that the GOP has made taxation fairly painless for the wealthy, and not just in terms of tax cuts. It's true that the very rich -- households with income over a million bucks -- get their taxes audited most frequently by the IRS. But the people whose taxes are SECOND most audited by the IRS are not actually the next rung down on the income ladder. Heck no! As another ProPublica story detailed last year, people making less than $20,000 a year are audited at "twice the rate of taxpayers with income between $200,000 and $500,000." And while GOP budget cuts to the IRS have meant overall audits have dropped, the rich (and merely very well off) have seen a very sharp drop-off in audit rates -- and less intense scrutiny when they do get audited -- while low-income folks have had a much smaller reduction in audits, and are actually facing audits that are far more nitpicky.

You see, congressional Republicans are certain that all poor people are likely criminals , so they've pressured the IRS to crack down on people claiming the Earned Income Tax Credit. Gotta stop all the low-income tax cheats, you know. And in the meantime, only about a third of some types of business income gets reported, but why would the IRS go after businesses? They make jerbs!

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Congress

Whistleblower Warbles Pretty Tune On *25* Shady Security Clearances

How you livin', Jared Kushner?

In today's episode of ELECTIONS FUCKING MATTER, Congressional Badass Elijah Cummings is ready to kick the investigation of White House security clearance shenanigans into high gear. Remember Carl Kline, the guy who overruled career staff to give clearances to Jared and Ivanka Kushner Trump, then allegedly retaliated against his employee Tricia Newbold, who has a rare form of dwarfism, by repeatedly rearranging the office to put files literally over her head?

Well, guess who's getting a brand, new subpoena today! Really, we can't think of a more deserving candidate to be hauled before Congress to explain himself on national television. Because Ms. Newbold spent all day Saturday with the Oversight Committee telling them about the 25 times the security evaluators wrote NFW on a clearance application, only to have Kline come behind them and give the applicant a clean bill of health. She told the Oversight Committee:

[I]f we have five disqualifiers listed, it is his responsibility and even my responsibility, as the second level reviewer, if I'm going to overturn my staff, to mitigate all five of them and to properly highlight those, so if the case does make it anywhere else, they're able to see written out in front of them the thought process and the work that went into the adjudicative recommendation.

Indeed, the president can override the security adjudication. But the adjudicators can't just ignore "serious disqualifying issues involving foreign influence, conflicts of interest, concerning personal conduct, financial problems, drug use, and criminal conduct" on their own -- no, not even if they just want to make Donald Trump really, really happy by saving him the trouble of having to mute the television for five minutes to scribble, "Merry Christmas, Jared. Enjoy the classified intel. Love, Poppy."

Newbold described several specific instances of clearance fuckery, including Senior White House Official 1 -- call him, say, "Kared Jushner" -- who "revealed significant disqualifying factors, including foreign influence, outside activities ('employment outside or businesses external to what your position at the EOP entails'), and personal conduct." Kline gave Jushner a thumbs up anyway, since "the activities occurred prior to Federal service." (Seriously!) And when Jushner applied for a higher level of clearance -- call it "Secured Compartmental Information" -- the second reviewing agency -- call it "the CIA" -- called up Newbold to ask WHO THE HELL gave Jushner the lower level clearance in the first place.

Then there was Senior White House Official 2. Call her, say, "Princess Nepotism." On the same day that "Jushner's" security clearance got jammed through, Newbold told Kline that she was going to turn down the Princess as well.

After learning this information, however, Mr. Kline instructed Ms. Newbold, "do not touch" the case. Soon thereafter, Mr. Kline adjudicated Senior White House Official 2 favorably for a security clearance, according to Ms. Newbold.

Finally, Newbold had recommended denying a clearance to Senior White House Official 3, for "a high-profile official at the National Security Council," Kline asked her to change her adjudication, which she refused. (We're guessing this one is Flynn lackey Robin Townley, who was nixed for a spot on the NSC in February 2017.)

Ms. Newbold also stated that she had concerns that Mr. Kline had been having calls "on a daily basis" with Senior White House Official 3 prior to this determination. Ms. Newbold stated: "I let him know early on that I had concerns with him having those conversations and it could potentially lead him to being biased toward the adjudication."

Totally normal for the evaluator to be kibbitzing on the regular with the subject of a clearance examination! This is all fine, at least according to Jim Jordan, who referred to the Oversight inquiry as "an excuse to go fishing through the personal files of dedicated public servants." Which is fucking rich coming from the guy who forced Rod Rosenstein to disclose classified FISA warrants.

We assume Jordan is similarly cool with Kline suspending Newbold for two weeks without pay because she "failed to follow a new policy created by Mr. Kline in November 2018 to scan documents in separate .pdf files instead of a single .pdf file when sending them to other agencies." And also, "defiance of authority," which is code for refusing to falsify clearance recommendations and forcing her boss to get his hands dirty, allegedly.

But Elijah Cummings is very not cool with this nonsense, and he has had it up to HERE with current White House Counsel Pat Cipollone's refusal to disclose requested documents or make staff available for interviews. Cipollone's insistence that oversight of the clearance prospect is outside the purview of the Oversight Committee is similarly ballsy, as Cummings has already pointed out.

So the congressman is about to break his subpoena pen off in the ass of Covington Catholic's most famous alumnus. His April 1 letter to Cipollone -- exhibit A when this inevitably winds up in before a judge -- reminds the White House Counsel:

In response, the White House has refused to produce a single piece of paper or a single requested witness. Instead, you claim to have "accommodated" the Committee's interests by providing a 90-minute briefing on general policy matters and an in camera review of a handful of guidance documents. You have refused to provide any information about the specific individuals the Committee is investigating, the specific instances of abuse, wrongdoing, or mistakes we have identified, or the problematic practices of the White House Security Office over the past two years.

The Committee has given the White House every possible opportunity to cooperate with this investigation, but you have declined. Your actions are now preventing the Committee from obtaining the information it needs to fulfill its Constitutional responsibilities.

So today, the subpoenas start dropping. And Mr. Kline, who now works at the Defense Department, can come on down to Congress and assert executive privilege if he likes. No doubt he'll make a sympathetic witness. Judges looooove political appointees who retaliate against career employees for ... screwing up a .pdf attachment. And rearranging the office to make files inaccessible to Tricia Newbold is pretty fucking ghoulish.

LOTSA LUCK, CARL.

[Oversight Memo / Cummings Letter Cipollone]

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News

'Nothing Will Ever Satisfy Them.' Wonkagenda For Tues., April 2, 2019

Trump declares victory over Puerto Rico, the 2020 money primary, and the big, fat mess of Brexit. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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Russia

Paul Manafort Celebrates 70th Birthday With Loved Ones APRIL FOOLS HE'S IN PRISON

Tough break, dude.

Anybody in the mood for a mean-spirited and unnecessary April Fools post that isn't even really an April Fools joke, but just Wonkette sitting over here laughing at a Trump asshole's predicament? YOU ARE? Well then come sit by us, because it is Paul Manafort's 70th birthday, he is reportedly in very bad health, and he is also in prison right now.

media3.giphy.com

If you are reading this right now, that's probably because you are not in prison like Paul Manafort, and therefore are allowed to dial up the internet whenever you want to. You may have eaten cake today, even if it is not your birthday. And Paul Manafort might have eaten cake too, whether a nice guard brought him a shitty cupcake for his birthday (no candles because contraband), or because he accidentally fell in the bathroom and ended up eating urinal cake.

Oh, how sad for him, that he is one of the many people who had his life ruined because Donald Trump decided to run for president.

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Healthcare

GOP'S Secret Healthcare Plan Is That It Has No Healthcare Plan

But they're really working hard on it, you bet!

Now that Donald Trump has decided we all have to panic over the border again, he's not quite so shouty about making the GOP the "party of great healthcare," because that was, after all, last week. He's still harping on it on Twitter today, so that at least is some indication of his laserlike focus on ... hey, did you see that "Fox & Friends" story about sharks collecting food stamps? Is that what they said? OUTRAGEOUS!

Even so, Trump said a thing, and that means the White House and Republicans are now scrambling to act like they have any idea what he meant. So it was time for Republican Healthcare chat on the Sunday shows and in the wingnut media. Of course, if Trump gets his new wish and the federal courts DO throw out every last bit of Obamacare, the GOP doesn't have a Plan B. Or maybe the Washington Examiner isn't lying for once and somebody has a Plan B.

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Guns

Alex Jones Goes To A Beto Rally, Is Alex Jones

He seems to be handling his 'psychosis' well.

On Friday afternoon, Huffington Post released Alex Jones's taped deposition in the lawsuit filed against him by several Sandy Hook parents, in which he claimed that his belief that Sandy Hook was a hoax was rooted in a "psychosis" brought on by being lied to by the government and the media.

Now, most people, after suffering such a humiliating blow, would lay low for a while. They wouldn't show their face around town until things had died down. Others, after openly admitting "psychosis," might choose to spend some time with a therapist, addressing their issues. Not Alex Jones! No, he chose instead to spend Saturday night at a Beto O'Rourke rally standing around with a bunch of Open Carry assholes walking around with guns and Trump signs.

Robert Francis O'Rourke Austin, TX www.youtube.com

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Crime

Fraudy Sovereign Citizen Dude Loves Cats, Fraud

If it weren't for 'honesty' and 'the law' we could all be RICH!

The New York Times brings us a completely batshit, absolutely true story about those sovereign citizen dudes and the amusing little schemes they use to rip off the US government -- which they don't believe exists -- for millions and millions and millions of dollars or even as much as a billion bucks from 1990 to 2013, according to one "conservative" estimate. The Times piece, by Ashley Powers, introduces us to one such fraudster, a UFO-holistic-healing-supergrifter named Sean David Morton, who's currently doing six years in federal prison after conviction on 51 assorted charges of very bad frauding. Needless to say, he's continuing to ask gullible fans for money from prison, so he can appeal his unjust conviction by the illegitimate federales he ripped off.

If you aren't familiar with sovereign citizens, LUCKY YOU. They have a whole range of fantastic beliefs that sometimes lead to violence. But even the ones who merely scam money rely on claims that at some point in the past -- either just after the Civil War or maybe with the establishment of the Federal Reserve or the creation of the income tax (or hell, all three) -- the Constitution and the legitimate US government were replaced by an evil corporation that literally owns all US citizens. In many versions of sovereign mythology, it's all a plot to enrich the Jews, too. But they also preach that if you invoke the proper pseudo-legal language magic, you can free yourself of all laws and also get money from the government (or any other sucker you target). And boy oh boy do they love frauding! Pay them enough money and they'll teach YOU to do fraud, too! Powers is careful to note that "Not all sovereigns are con men, but their belief system lends itself to deceit."

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Russia

Jerry Nadler To Bill Barr: IT'S SUBPOENA-THIRTY, MOTHERF*CKER!

The Mueller report is due TOMORROW. What part of FUCKING GIVE IT does Bill Barr still not understand?

The Mueller report is due on House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler's desk TOMORROW. (NO REDACTIONS, NO BULLSHIT.) It's also due on the desks of the five other House committee chairs who wrote to Attorney General Bill Barr last week demanding FUCKING GIVE IT. No, AG Barr may not have an extension, and no, Jerry Nadler will not believe any excuses that the dog ate the report, unless Devin Nunes has dressed up like a dog, infiltrated the Justice Department by wagging his butt REALLY CUTELY, and proceeded to eat the report. And if so, BAD DOG.

When Barr sent a letter on Friday -- his second one! -- he sounded very stung and freaked out, perhaps because he was getting a sense that his cover-up just really wasn't going very well, and that literally no sentient Americans believed the Mueller report had cleared Trump or his campaign of Russian crimes or any other crimes for that matter, and so he decided to promise that Congress would get some version of the report by "mid-April." It was funny, because WHAT PART OF APRIL SECOND, BILL, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? Nadler was not amused. Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff (D-Viral Videos) was not amused. Nobody was amused.

And they're still not amused, the deadline is still tomorrow, and if (when) Barr fails at life and doesn't wrap that shit up in a bow and stick it in his fanny pack and personally escort it over to Nadler's office, Nadler is ready to affix some subpoenas to his foot and personally escort them up Barr's ass, WITH HIS FOOT. Will those subpoenas be sent out immediately, once the committee authorizes them Wednesday morning? Well, that just depends on whether Bill Barr decides to shape the fuck up! (Also about to kick subpoenas up Trump folks' asses? House Oversight Committee chair Elijah Cummings, because the White House has some 'splaining to do about why Prince Jared and Princess Ivanka have security clearances, when they are obviously compromised by princes and princesses from rival kingdoms.)

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popular

Jeff Bezos Delivers Brand New Federal Investigation To His Pals At The National Enquirer

Don't think the driver's getting a tip, TBH.

Everyone in the Jeff Bezos dick pic story is a gross asshole. There's Jeff Bezos, the philandering billionaire. Lauren Sanchez, who likes to fish in other people's ponds. David Pecker, the sleazy tabloid owner palling around with Trump, who incites violence against real journalists, and Saudi Prince Bone Saw, who does worse. Dylan Howard, Pecker's goon, who threatened to publish leaked photos if Bezos wouldn't publicly clear the magazine of being in cahoots with the Saudis. And there's Michael Sanchez, the gay, Trump-loving brother who sold his sister out to the National Enquirer for $200,000.

Which of these characters do you trust to tell you what actually went down? Let's go with NONE OF THEM, KATIE. The only credible option is Gavin de Becker, an internationally recognized security expert and consultant for the US government since the Reagan administration, who currently works for Jeff Bezos. And he just published an article in The Daily Beast saying that AMI got the texts from Saudi Arabia first, and then went looking for Michael Sanchez as a cover story.

Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos' phone, and gained private information. As of today, it is unclear to what degree, if any, AMI was aware of the details. [Italics in original.]

If 2019 were an essential oil, it would be Michael Sanchez as the National Enquirer's beard.

De Becker points out that AMI was shouting from the rooftops that Sanchez was its only source, despite reports that it had already seen the texts before reaching out to him.

What was unusual, very unusual, was how hard AMI people worked to publicly reveal their source's identity. First through strong hints they gave to me, and later through direct statements, AMI practically pinned a "kick me" sign on Michael Sanchez.

"It was not the White House, it was not Saudi Arabia," a company lawyer said on national television, before telling us more: "It was a person that was known to both Bezos and Ms. Sanchez."

De Becker also notes David Pecker's ongoing relationship with Saudi intermediary Kacy Grine, the magazine's 100-page mash note to Prince Bone Saw, and AMI's query to the State Department as to whether it needed to register as a foreign agent of the Saudi government: "With friends like AMI, you don't need… publicists."

Not to mention the fact that the Enquirer published the stolen texts in January, but held back the salacious photographs "for some reason."

An eight-page contract AMI sent for me and Bezos to sign would have required that I make a public statement, composed by them and then widely disseminated, saying that my investigation had concluded they hadn't relied upon "any form of electronic eavesdropping or hacking in their news-gathering process."

Note here that I'd never publicly said anything about electronic eavesdropping or hacking—and they wanted to be sure I couldn't.

They also wanted me to say our investigation had concluded that their Bezos story was not "instigated, dictated or influenced in any manner by external forces, political or otherwise." External forces? Such a strange phrase. AMI knew these statements did not reflect my conclusions, because I told AMI's Chief Content Officer Dylan Howard (in a 90-minute recorded phone call) that what they were asking me to say about external forces and hacking "is not my truth," and would be "just echoing what you are looking for."

(Indeed, an earlier set of their proposed terms included AMI making a statement "affirming that it undertook no electronic eavesdropping in connection with its reporting and has no knowledge of such conduct"—but now they wanted me to say that for them.)

After the Washington Post refused to drop the story of the Saudi assassination of Jamal Khashoggi, the Kingdom's cyber goons got to work sliming "the same Jew who attacks us by day, and sells us products by night!" (Paging Jared Kushner -- looks like your BFF is maybe not a great lover of Israel after all.) Multiple outlets have reported that Saudi Arabia and the UAE have highly sophisticated hacking operations capable of accessing cell phone data without leaving a footprint, and de Becker alleges that whoever gave AMI the leaked texts in the first place got them from Saudi hackers.

We did not reach our conclusions lightly. The inquiry included a broad array of resources: investigative interviews with current and former AMI executives and sources, extensive discussions with top Middle East experts in the intelligence community, leading cybersecurity experts who have tracked Saudi spyware, discussions with current and former advisers to President Trump, Saudi whistleblowers, people who personally know the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (also known as MBS), people who work with his close associate Saud al-Qahtani, Saudi dissidents, and other targets of Saudi action, including writer/activist Iyad el-Baghdadi.

Which is oddly similar to what Sanchez himself told the Daily Beast in February -- well, except he blamed Mossad and MI-6 while denying that he'd had anything to do with the Enquirer. See, he took the money and agreed to get them a photo of his sister and her married boyfriend swapping spit, but only as a delaying tactic! According to a Page Six SOURCE, who is definitely not Michael Sanchez.

Instead, Michael said he would help the tabloid score a picture of the pair kissing. This would be, he told The Post, in return for "softer" coverage — and to push off publication of the story long enough for the couple to tell their families the truth. (The photo never happened because, although Michael agreed to try and make it happen, he had no intention of following through, insiders say.)

"Michael . . . will defend Lauren to the death," said the family friend. "That's the essence of their relationship as children, and the essence of their relationship today."

UH HUH.

And speaking of sources, remember a couple weeks ago when the Wall Street Journal published a story saying that David Pecker was SHOCKED AND CHAGRINED to learn that AMI had offered Michael Sanchez cash up front for the stolen Bezos texts? The guy who personally negotiated with Trump and Kushner to buy up stories to protect the Trump campaign was somehow out of the loop when the next red ball dropped. Why? Dunno! But the important thing is, he had nothing at all to do with the story that would make both his Saudi buddies and Donald Trump really happy, okay?

UH FREAKING HUH.

De Becker claims to have turned over his findings to federal law enforcement officials. And while we have zero confidence that Mike Pompeo's State Department is eager to investigate his good buddies in Saudi Arabia, de Becker called his bluff in advance by making those findings public. Good luck sweeping that one under the rug, boys!

[Daily Beast / Page Six / WSJ]

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