CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those…

Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it should be is a matter of fierce debate. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter.

In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados within three weeks, fruit distributors have suggested. What do you think?

Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps due to personal or systemic barriers preventing access to work. What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping of Tucker Carlson Tonight Monday by challenging Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to a date. “You talk a pretty big game on Twitter, but let’s see how well your pie-in-the-sky ideas hold up when…

ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa Anita racetrack officials awarded jockey Evan Spangler Tuesday with first place for dragging his dead horse 30 yards over the finish line. “The perseverance and bravery Evan displayed as he gripped the…

According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring the recommendations of intelligence officials to confirm individuals such as Jared Kushner. What do you think?

PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations, scientists announced Tuesday that the discovery of dry ice on Mars means the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. “While we find no evidence that the Red Planet currently features…

Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.

WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full…