special introductory paragraph!

Defibrillator

Menschen Mussen Weg

I'm sure that many of you, especially in the South, came to this page in hopes of finding in-depth reviews of Stone Cold Country and Stone Cold Metal by popular WWF wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. To you, I apologize. And if you're over 50 years of age, please be advised that this page does not contain any rare biographical information on the Six Million Dollar Man character as portrayed by Lee Majors. Furthermore, you'd might as well take your mopey tattooed heroin-ravaged body elsewhere if you're looking for Today Is The Day's Steve Austin because I only own two of their albums. Oh, you're BLACK?! Well, why didn't you SAY so? Nope, no Steve Austin The Bioniq MC here either (though it's awesome that he won the 2006 Dallas Observer Best Rap/Hip-Hop Artist Award - way to go, Steve!). And if you're some lady with boob cancer, I do feel sympathy for you but I simply don't know anything about author Steve Austin, N.D. And lord knows I'm big on rednecks, but you'll have to go to austinracing66.com for info on Steve Austin, driver of the Limited Supermodified #66. However, Portland, TN country-western fans, you're in luck! Because this page is dedicated to the one and only Steve Austin, who brings his original blend of country, folk, bluegrass, and gospel music to 225+ audiences a year!

No wait, my bad.

Defibrillator - 2003

The idiosyncratically-named Steve Austin is a grindcore band from Paderborn, a city of about 140,000 people in the state of North Rhine Westfalia, West Germany. After playing in various local hardcore bands, the members finally came together in the realization that grindcore is where the real Hollywood money is. Thus, the original line-up of vocalist Sievers, vocalist BostonWilhelm, vocalist Wutz (that's 3 vocalists, you understand), guitarist Ott, guitarist Inder (two guitarists - that's normal enough), bassist Brull, bassist Remmert (that's 2 bassists, you understand), and drummer Motze (only 1 drummer? How did they expect to get by!?) came together and recorded a bunch of tiny German songs in a home studio. I can't understand a goddamned word.

Luckily, Thomas Peters of Germany-way was kind enough to translate the song titles for me. Turns out I haven't been listening to a bunch of screamed Romantic poems at all, but in fact songs with titles like "Where Is The Wine?," "Weenie In, Weekday Out" and "I Want To Read In The Newspaper That You Suffocated By Your Own Vomit." However, Thomas assures me that the hoarsely-shouted lyrics are no easier to decipher even if you KNOW the language, so I guess I'm getting the same overall effect as any German citizen might.

And what is that effect, you're wondering? Well, let me answer that question by asking you a question -- what is that effect?

(*four hours pass*)

Not so easy a question, is it? And due to a quirk in HTML programming, I have to sit here doing nothing for four hours every time somebody reads it!

(*four hours pass*)

YOU READ IT AGAIN YOU SON OF A BITCHING BASTARD

(*four hours pass*)(*four hours pass*)(*four hours pass*)

Hello, I'm a rickety old man named Mark Prindle, here to tell you about the debut LP by Steve Austin, grindcore's answer to the penis. Defibrillator features 13 songs in 12.5 minutes. The longest track is 1:26 long -- 4 seconds shorter than the shortest song on the first Ramones album. Three different songs tie for shortest at 36 seconds long. But it's not just their (lack of) length that's interesting; it's the fact that they cram all the elements of a normal-length extreme metal song into that time frame. Each track is almost like just a brief sample of a 5-minute song, with its slow trudge part, its mosh-speed chug-a-lug part, its NWOBM metal lick part, its speed metal thrash part, its high-note-strumming black metal part, and its blastbeat grindcore part - all condensed into about 8 seconds each! As such, it's probably no surprise that, just as in most extreme metal songs, some segments kick some major-league ass and others just kinda chunka-chunk along for a few seconds without doing anything. This is unfortunately true to such a degree that, even as teensy as the songs are, only a handful are fully satisfying all the way through. The others tend to create thought processes like "Awesome thrash riff! Honey, come listen to - never mind, it's slow and boring now. I wish they'd bring ba - oh wow! Check out this creepy up-down note progression! Yeah, this rea - oh, now he's just hitting the drums as hard as he can. Whoa, great sick chord seque -- wow, what a beautiful harmonized chord! Oh, they only played it once. Wait, is this the next song?"

When they're on, they're really really on - these guys know how to play their instruments (very very quickly) and have a flair for strange chord changes and note runs. Unfortunately, they also feel compelled to change parts every time you start to get into one of them. This is great if you're a goldfish*, but may be a bit difficult for normal listeners to wrap their brains around. There's no verse/chorus or middle-eight or resolution or anything; it's just part-part-part-part-end. But lots of those parts are filled with terrific riffs! Mean, headbanging, chunk-chucka-chucka-chunk double-guitar thrashin' with really strong drumming and a high, hoarsely-pitched human screamer (which is to say he's not trying to sound ethereally Black Metal evil or gigantic Death Metal growly, but just like a scared German being murdered). I've no clue whether all 3 singers have the same voice or what, but all the vocals sound the same to me. Jesus Christ, it's already over again! I've listened to the whole fucking album three times since I started this review. Every time it gets to that Slayer bit at the end of the last song, I can't believe it's already over. I guess it's true what they say: "Time flies when your album's a complete rip-off!"

My fave rave trax: "Get Out Of There, You Yellow Pig," "Test For Condition," "HBBC," "Waiting" and "A Cloud Of Fists And Dust." So request those on your local adult contemporary station ASAP!

ASAP? Hell, NAACP!

(Now! And -- Ahhh! Crap's Past!)

I keep dreaming that my old dead friend is alive. What's up with that? Do all people dream like that? And it's never a dream of the past -- it's always a dream of "Oh wow, she wasn't really dead, I guess. Hey, her mom - did you know she wasn't really dead? Where was she all this time? Oh well, glad she's back!" Let me know if this is how people normally dream. If it is, you and I have something in common!

Also, do people normally go around drawing dicks on every advertising poster that has a woman's face on it? If so, you and a guy in my neighborhood have something in common!

.

* The attention span of a goldfish is 9 seconds. This is why Steve Austin has so many goldfish fans.

Reader Comments

zboubak@hotmail.com
"I keep dreaming that my old dead friend is alive. What's up with that? Do all people dream like that? And it's never a dream of the past -- it's always a dream of "Oh wow, she wasn't really dead, I guess. Hey, her mom - did you know she wasn't really dead? Where was she all this time? Oh well, glad she's back!" Let me know if this is how people normally dream. If it is, you and I have something in common!"

I do.

"Also, do people normally go around drawing dicks on every advertising poster that has a woman's face on it? If so, you and a guy in my neighborhood have something in common!"

I don't.

I wouldn't want to live in your neighborhood.

hull5@charter.net
Most of my dreams are just inky blackness.

Menschen Mussen Weg - 2004

Either I have a bad dub (And I don't mean 'reggae'! HA HA HA AH! NO! NOO!) or the mix on this one is quieter and more muffled than the first one, making it a bit harder to make out the guitar lines. However, the drummer is out of control -- or rather, completely IN control, driving the band through ridiculous amounts of tempo changes, stops/starts and choreographed accent moments (didn't phrase that very well -- what I mean is that the drummer specifically crafted each drum line to accent even the tiniest changes in the guitarwork). The band line-up remains the same as the debut except that both bassists have been replaced by somebody named 'Robert.' So that's pretty awesome. Also, the band's web site (www.steve-austin.de) mentions band members named "Mr. Fahrenheit" and "Mr. Excrement," but I think that's just somebody making a joke because Excrement is hardly a traditional German name.

A traditional German BODY AROMA sure, but

Mmm, I could go for some nice orange 'sure, but' right about now. Oh, you're out? How about lime?

Once again, every song is tiny (19 tracks in 14 minutes, ranging from 0:09 to 1:19) and comprised of several passages hitting on all types of extreme metal. However, there's a lot more consistency in the songwriting this time, the parts flow together more naturally, and there aren't nearly as many boring slow two-chord parts. The band is also a bit more experimental/clever, not only combining Iron Maideny harmonized dual-guitar leads, Napalm Death grindcore insanity and straight-up speed thrash, but throwing in unexpected quirks like clinky glass noises, people playing billiards, and (in the most hilarious metal moment I think I've ever heard) the band interrupting "Maulmosh" with an a capella "RUN-TUN-TUN! RAAAHHHH TUN-TUN-TUN! HEEE HOOO!" that seems completely incongruous until the guitars come back in and reveal that they were actually singing the upcoming riff! (the "Run-Tun-Tun"s turn out to be low-end chord repetitions and the "Heee Hooo"s high harmonics)

Song title translations this time include "Get Lost, Grandpa," "I Don't Eat Anything Without A Face," "Lotz's Sister Boris," "Fucking Prison," "EmoPussies" and "Pitchfork Vs. Face." According to Yahoo!'s horrendous translator, the lyrics include such enlightening passages as:

"To Drum sit down I simply into the cabinet and pisse as much as I only can."

"Tongue clean-put. The old person is simply out-licked!"

"Oh as gehts me good, if I you your God-condemned eyeglasses into your howling neck trick!"

"You will feel what it is called nen pain to notice, because my dislike is against your kind immeasurably, and your nose becomes its very with difficulty ersetzlich."

"And one can do it never longs and one can him never hoern, whom only ones that which one can do that is it zerstoern."

"When is the epidemic of God finally exterminated, for me? Humans must away! I hate this dirt!"

"Stech you in the face! Into yours shit to face! In the middle in the face! Always in the face!"

"Take the fingers of my belly, otherwise tret I you the eyeglasses!"

So as you can see, Steve Austin are no fan of the eyeglasses.

Thomas Peters of Germany-way tells me that Steve Austin basically only tours throughout their own small home region, playing in alternative clubs, pubs and private parties. They have a small but loyal fan base who tend to be quite violent at shows (as do the three singers) -- constantly pushing, kicking and hitting anybody near them during their short sets. Nevertheless, it's apparently still quite fun to hang around at their shows, watching them get drunk, crazy and naked (as long as you're not in the first few rows where the hitting takes place!).

So if you're one of my 5,000,0000,000 readers from the Paderborn region of North Rhine Westfalia, West Germany -- be sure and catch Steve Austin at the Paderborner brewery soon! I'm lookin' at YOU, all you hearty workingmen down at the Wincor-Nixdorf factory! Why spend another boring weekend looking at old shit computers at the Heinz Nixdorf Museums Forum or sitting through another lame-ass German Open of Robo-Soccer when you could be slam dancing to today's hottest musical sounds of young people? Come on, forget the Liborifest for once in your goddamned lives and go see some grindcore! Look, I understand you missing a show if the SC Paderborn 07 football club is playing or something (especially considering their awesome advancement to the second Bundesliga last year), but if it's not a game night, make an effort to come out and support the local scene! You can watch the Dolphins kick touchdowns and the Untouchables get hit by pitches any time, for Christ's sake. So hop on the Padersprinter or InterCity Express and get your heavy metal ass on down here! I'm lookin' at YOU, former British armed forces members concentrated in the ward of Sennelager! You too, bunch of lazy church people at the Paderborn Cathedral -- what, you think St. Liborius is gonna dig himself up, grab a peacock and walk away if you're not there keeping an eye out? Ha ha! Not on your LIFE, assholes! That motherfucker'll be off somewhere carrying small stones on a book!

Ahhh! I've fallen into the River Pader, which originates in more than 200 springs near the Cathedral! Somebody help me, preferably one of the 14,700 students studying computer science, technology or mathematics at the University of Paderborn, created on August 1, 1972 as a Polytechnic! On January 1, 1980 it became a University-Polytechnic!

Reader Comments

spinaltomek@hotmail.com
I'm not the biggest fan of grindcore music to be quite honest. I always thought it's kind of hilarious with bands like Napalm Death trying to produce the most extreme metal ever. It's good that some people try to take genres to their extremes, but for the most part it's not enjoyable at all.

Steve Austin though is what convinced me that even this tiny little genre has the full potential to entertain you for hours (if you listen to their complete discography a dozen times in a row). See, it's well-practiced grindcore with lots of ideas, riffs and tunes to bang your head to. Some of these songs really keep stuck in your head and you'll wish they'd play it on the radio a little more.

check out http://www.steve-austin.de/media/mp3/mp3.php to download six of their greatest songs...

I wish there would be more grindcore like this, more fun, more violence, more ideas. I agree though, that some of the slower parts are not as enjoyable as the rest, but hey, there are still more cool riffs and drum parts in one song here than on the last three metallica albums together. I'd give slightly higher ratings, a seven and an eight I guess.

chris.deveau@gmail.com
Yeah! I hafta wear eyeglasses AND I HATE IT!!! I can't even begin to tell you the number of times God condemned them into my howling neck trick. And always in the face, too!