WASHINGTON—Hoping to create a teachable moment after one of his supporters attacked a BBC cameraman at a rally in El Paso, TX, President Trump announced Tuesday he had invited the two men to join him at the White House so they could finish their altercation. “It’s time for these guys to acknowledge their differences…
A recent analysis found more than 40 percent of insect species are declining and a third are endangered, a development that threatens to upend ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Admitting they had just assumed the candidate was some kind of quirky billionaire or one of those CEOs who runs for president just to raise his profile, all 325 million Americans expressed horror Tuesday upon learning Cory Booker was a sitting U.S. senator. “He’s an elected official? In the United States …
TUCSON, AZ—As it spoke through the astronaut’s mouth, vowing to bring a new perspective to Washington, sources confirmed Tuesday that the parasitic space worm controlling Mark Kelly’s body had announced its bid for the United States Senate. “I am pleased to announce that, yes, I am running for your Congress, where I…
ATLANTA—Saying it was standard for any expecting mother’s 20-week checkup, ultrasound technician Jean Krebacher asked one of her pregnant patients Tuesday if she would like to know the name of her unborn child. “This is the moment of truth—I can tell you the first name now, or you can wait to find out until delivery,”…
Clark County, the region of Washington troubled by an outbreak of 50 cases of measles, has seen vaccination rates surge by 500 percent in the past month as parents scramble to ensure their children are not infected. What do you think?
BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not…
Following blowback from politicians and residents of New York City, tech giant Amazon is reportedly considering not placing its second headquarters in Long Island City. What do you think?
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Vowing to relentlessly battle and never back down, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pledged this week in her campaign kickoff that she would never stop fighting everyday Americans. “I will stand up to the common man—with my fists,” said Klobuchar, asserting that she would take on all Americans—rich, poor,…
LOS ANGELES—Responding to a tumultuous trade deadline that saw most of the roster floated for potential deals, LeBron James and his Lakers teammates confirmed Monday that they were hoping this horrible series of failed betrayals would bring them closer as a team. “I’m really trying to stay positive, and I think the…
MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country…
WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they have allocated the $600,000 necessary to purchase the actual gun used by Al Pacino in the iconic 1983 film Scarface. “It may seem at first to be a disproportionate expenditure, but this gun is the…
A new survey found that the average player only completed 22 percent of the lengthy main storyline of Red Dead Redemption 2, suggesting that many video gamers are unable to find the time or motivation to finish such long campaigns. What do you think?
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