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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
Bring your kid to work daypic.twitter.com/aUhC6QFyVV
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Sooo… the Pringles might still be elsewhere?https://twitter.com/ajc/status/1084249176756678658 …
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CUSTOMER: This water is so bland. CHEF WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT TEA: Oh you don’t like my water? Here, have some fucken leaves in it.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
Restaurants should offer a dessert called “Just One Spoonful Of Ice Cream From The Carton” that consists of three spoonfuls of ice cream from the carton, like you’d have at home.
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Coming out of my cage And I've been doing not great On account of the cage, on account of the cage
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Oh, your body’s a temple? You know what else was a temple? The Temple of Doom. That place also sucked.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
You: Hurt people hurt people Me, nodding: and sea turtles see turtles
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
I like to think Alvin and the Chipmunks were just regular chipmunks and Dave was a crazy person who thought he was their father/band manager.
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ME: I thought you said “nap battle.” RAP BATTLE HOST: You can’t possibly think I said that. How would we even judge— ME: *Already napping* HOST: Oh damn.
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Pound for pound, the parmigiano cheese is the most expensive food in the entire Olive Garden. And they will keep grating it until you say stop. I’m not telling you what to do with this information, but it’s here and I hope you use it.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
them: if all you did today was get out of bed, you succeeded me: ok I did not succeed
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door: No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT'S THAT I'M SINGLE.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car? Me: one's for you Him: and the other one? Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don't like it* I'm having an affair.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
[Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
Actual phone conversation that just happened Me: Sorry I missed your call Mom, I was in the middle of a game Me: no, I didn't win Me: no, he didn't know it was my birthday Me: I'm sorry too Mom
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[God Save the Queen comes on] QUEEN ELIZABETH II: Aw, fuck yeah, this is my jam!
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DUCK: *After writing text* Oh, that’s so handy. It automatically changed it to “ducking mad” for me.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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Ni-retweet ni MehGyver
CEO: for our granola bars, we need to invent a place that reminds people of nature Lazy Tom: nature valley CEO: perfect. no more pitches
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Ang paglo-load ay mukhang natatagalan.
Maaaring lumagpas na sa kapasidad ang Twitter o nakakaranas ng panandaliang problema. Subukan muli o bisitahin ang Twitter Status para sa karagdagang impormasyon.