WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve…
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the…
The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil,…
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million…
Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?
Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…
WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve…
WASHINGTON—Calling the decision necessary to protect the one relationship he values above all others, White House chief of staff John Kelly told reporters Monday that he will resign in a last-ditch effort to save his and President Trump’s friendship. “It’s been a great honor to serve my country and the Trump…
NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also…
BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,” Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…
CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter…
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