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Birds in Minnesota keep crashing into things, and police think it’s because they’re drunk. “I like tiny droplets of beer,” insisted one belligerent bird. “I STILL like tiny droplets of beer.”

Toys "R" Us mascot Geoffrey the Giraffe made a surprise appearance at a fall toy preview in Dallas. More surprising was that he was drinking something out of a paper bag and muttering about how useless it is to follow your dreams.

Donald Trump boarded Air Force One with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, and it was somehow the least embarrassing thing he’s done in office.

A new study suggests that even light drinking “increases the risk of death.” So… to 101%?

A winery has lost 8,000 gallons of prosecco after a fermentation tank exploded. So, yeah … Karen’s bachelorette party is cancelled.

Sometimes we feel like a bunch of meat stuffed into a shell of a person… HAPPY NATIONAL TACO DAY.

We spent more time looking for the office copy of Beverly Hills Ninja than the FBI spent investigating Brett Kavanaugh, and only one of those two things is being nominated for the Supreme Court.

The Powerball Mega Millions jackpot is now $658 million. Or, as Trump would put it, “a very small loan.”

Today is #NationalTacoDay, and to celebrate, the GOP is letting America know a Supreme Court Judge’s history of sexual assault accusations is nacho business!

A viral video thought to be of a bucking horse loose in a sports bar turned out to just be footage of college aged Brett Kavanaugh after a Huey Lewis and the News concert.

Trump has said this is a “very scary time for young men in America”, which is why his idea for a frightening Halloween costume is, “Man Taking Responsibility for his Actions.”

Mitch McConnell went on the senate floor to address protestors by saying: “There is no chance in the world they’re going to scare us out of doing our duty.” The only thing that does scare him is sunlight and garlic.

An American Airlines flight to Boston had to be diverted because a passenger wouldn't stop performing pull-ups on the overhead bin. As he was taken off the plane he said, "I just flew here from Boston, and boy are my arms tired!"

A New York Times report throws into doubt Donald Trump’s claim of being a ‘self-made man.’ But it’s true, he did make up those lies about him being great all by himself.

The first “Presidential Alert” will be sent to every American’s phone today. Minutes later you will also get 250 million texts saying ‘Sounds great!” from people who pressed reply all.

.@KyrieIrving said this week that he regrets saying that the Earth is flat. “Earth is clearly a small marble being grasped by a withered monkey’s paw hovering in space,” he stated.