The Heavils
Heavilution
These guys are the coolest goddamned band that Metal Blade has signed in 15 years. Mainly because they don't sound like ANYBODY. Certain aspects do - the pleasantly screaming aggressive "grunge"/"nu-metal" vocals, the generic low angry chord riffing that shows up in a few of the weaker songs - but overall when you hear The Heavils, something in your brain goes, "Wait - there's something wrong with that music." And it's true, I suppose. This heavy metal IS different than likely any heavy metal you've ever heard -- the chords seem slightly off, the guitars appear at times to be slightly out of tune with any sort of melodic scale and everything, as heavy as it is, feels kind of.... rubbery.
And why, you're asking? Why is this music so strange and warbly? Is my CD stereo on the (david) fritz? NO!!!! MAYBE IT GOT A LITTLE MESSED UP WHEN I PISSED ALL OVER THE CELINE DION ALBUM THIS AFTERNOON, BUT THAT WAS HOURS AGO!!!! SO STOP FUCKING MENTIONING IT!!!! I WAS BUT A BOY THEN!!!!! OH COME ON, LIKE YOU'VE NEVER FANTASIZED ABOUT PISSING ALL OVER CELINE DION???!?!!? LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO WRITES THE MONTHLY FAN FICTION MAGAZINE "CELINE DION - (her)TIT(s)AN(d my d)IC(k - I'm peein' on her!)"??!?!?!??!?! NOT VERY FUCKING LIKELY!!!!!
Hey! Wanna hear a funny Guess Who joke I just made up? Here it is: What's the difference between a squirrel and Burton Cummings?
A squirrel stores his nuts for winter -- Burton Cummings stores HIS nuts in the rotting corpse of KURT Winter!!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! A HAHAHAHAFWHD FQEW (vomits into nose)
So yes, the reason The Heavils sound so different is for this reason: THEY INVENTED THEIR OWN CRAZYASS INSTRUMENTS!!! Vocalist/Guitarist Brian Carter lived with some dude that created guitars with no frets that had both bass and guitar strings, for a total of 5. And they were all like, "Dude!" So that's why they don't sound like anyone else. They're playing the notes BETWEEN the notes -- and the bass and guitar are the same thing! I mean, they have a real bass player too, but really just because he bakes really good muffins. And now - get this - you ready for this? - Get ready for this - Brian Carter has created 10 more instruments this year out of toilet seats (probably with SHIT all over them), PVC tubes (that I SHIT in) and wood (SHIT)," with names like The Toilet, The Clitar (presumably made by ripping the clitoris off of a woman and strumming it like a guitar) and Motorguitar, which was created by stealing a guitar from Motorhead's van and plugging it into an amp.
That's how I made MY Motorguitar anyway, and since this world is filled with people imitating me (check out rock critic Dave Marsh - talk about a COPYING CAP!), I can rest assured that my vision will follow even after I've passed into the ether -- ARE YOU READING THIS AFTER MY DEATH!?!?!?! If so, keep something important in mind:
I wasted a lot of time on this crap. Time I could have been curing the ozone layer or protesting the environment. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!!!! DON'T WASTE TIME REVIEWING METAL BLADE ALBUMS WHEN YOU COULD BE LIVING FOR EVERY MOMENT, READING EVERY REVIEW ON WWW.MARKPRINDLE.COM!!!
Signed,
Death, Esq.
get a life dude......
Hells bells. I guess it's time to turn in my "Guy Who Picks Good Upcoming Bands" Boy Scout badge, because no matter how many knots I learn how to tie while roasting marshmallows on an old lady crossing the street, this CD still doesn't have any melodies on it. I'm going to cease the Boy Scout metaphor now because it doesn't make any sense.
As I hop on my audio horse and gallop through the rusty trails of this CD, I am chagrined to find my ten-gallon hat being tossed to and fro by the dusty winds of aggressive Pantera screaming tuneless pounding and boring Clutch two-chord swing/funk metal. I was hoping I'd be able to lasso up a new set of Heavils classics with more of their patented warp-tone idiosyncracy and less of the traditional nu-metal staleness that marred the debut. Unfortunately, they apparently don't HAVE any more idiosyncratic ideas and are more interested in pretending that they're Louder Than Love-era Soundgarden or any of those five hundred billion modern "hardcore" bands that just bash your head in and scream while you're trying to romantically woo some sexy FILF out of his work pants. But also, why the fuckity-diddle-doddle are the vocals mixed 69 times louder than the guitar franglesmoodge? Why bury the most interesting part of your sound (the slightly out-of-tune Meanies tone/sound) behind a screamer that sounds exactly like every other screamer in the genre? Why? Why? Why? (Is It So Hard?)
The album has its moments, surely. For just two of a possible pair of examples, they bring two Neilsens in to guest on a Cheap Trick cover (from All Shook Up!?) and proffer a 14-minute Throbbing Gristle-esque industrial-sickness experiment. Otherwise, there's nothing wicked bonus on here that they didn't already do on the debut, and actually there's much, much less.
Which would be great if good ideas were high in fat, because you could get really skinny by listening to this CD a couple times a day. But they're not. And from personal experience, I assure you that a diet of nothing but Heavilution listenings will just make you really thirsty and a corpse.
I have been following everything HEAVY since 1988 ( 16 years now) since I was introduced to Nirvana's Bleach and then went on to black/death/industrial metal.
And no not mainstreamish ones, and god no not fucking NIGHTWISH, but one thing is for sure, the Heavils sound different because of one major thing, MOST INSTRUMENTS THEY USE ARE HOME MADE.
These kids writing posts should learn to fuck off and appreciate differences in music, and yes CELINE DIONE SUCKS!
Devin Townsend (Canadian Metal God) produced the newest Heavils album.
Hey kiddies, fuck off and discover more musical insanity with HEVYDEVY.
www.strappingyounglad.com
www.hevydevy.com
go there, read, and learn you juvenile fucks.
Regards,
Zyklon
