This is one of the hardest thing to do...and I could never do it properly.

To know everything you want is right there infront of you and not being able to reach out and have them. And yet not being able to get over it and move on. You don't stop wishing you could have them, you don't stop wishing and praying, you know there is no hope and still you try to hold on to that weak string of hope... Has it ever happened to you?

This is what is happening to me these days... And I can't even fully write about it here cause some one reads this blog quite regularly... Although that is the purpose of this blog, here I say things, which I can't say at your face.

I don't know what to do?
Wait and watch?
Get over and move on?
Express?

I too was trying out and then I found something which is like the best I could ever afford to have, now I want to stop trying and zero in on this thing that I have found. Again, that's what 'I' want.
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Life otherwise is going great...been partying almost every weekend. Thanks to all the special friends, specially you ES. After a real long time I once again have friends in my life. Otherwise I am mostly surrounded with a crowd. we make a great group and its fun to be with all you guys RM, YD, AG, AB.
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The Delhi Bloggers Meet is happening once again and this time it is really special for me. Life takes such unpredictable turns... just at the wake of me completing one year in blogging I got this mail from one Julian Siddle from BBC UK. Apparently Julian got my email ID through one of the Community Blogs that I am a part of. He is coming down to India to shoot a special edition of his program Digital Planet and wanted to get in touch with me and my blogging coleagues (that's how he wrote in his mail) to get an idea bout the blog culture here in India.

The mail took me completely by surprise. It once again (previous being the AIMC Seminar) puts me under the spotlight so far as blogging is concerned. Both the community blog was started by Ankur and he has more number of posts on them. Both of us have our mail ids up there, it probably was just a matter of chance that they contacted me. And here I am coordinating the meet with everybody asking me, "how did you manage to get BBC on the event?" Everyone around speculating all the high funda connections I must be having in BBC.

I could finally get the password to DBM's official blog. Ever since Harneet left the group it hasn't being properly updated. Will do it hence forth. Have already done the necessary updates. Why do I do all these I don't know. I guess I just assumed, for no reason, that I am the moderator of this group. I was nothing more than just another member who joined the list via the blog and there started yet another eventful chapter in my biography. The fight over the name Delhi Blogger's Meet with Shivam Vij and Co., the differences with Harneet, the then moderator, his exit from the group, his exit being blamed upon me by Amitken......and more.....and then all was calm followed by some low profile meets attended by few new joinees. The January meet was good though and hopefully this forthcoming meet too would have some good participation.
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The dilemma about choosing between all the available options in my career has come to an end and I am joining Partners for Law in Development tomorrow. Its a legal NGO. We are into social mobilization, capacity building training in Law for development executive, lobbying, PILs etc.

I realised the first option that of joining a corporate as a legal executive won't work... They just don't like my profile and I don't like theirs. My 3 months work in FS was the worst period of my career and I don't wanna go back to a corporate structure again.

The next option, starting independent practice..... that's not easy. Its a task getting a client and then proving your credibility to him. All litigants are apprehensive about a young lawyer. Besides, I have acquired the habit of advising people to appear themselves, in front of the court instead of wasting money in hiring a lawyer, wherever it is technically so allowed. I have been cautioning my friends about the various crooked means these lawyers adhered to...to extract every bit of money from the client. Two people's fight... which ends when both of them loose, one looses his money and the other looses the case, cannot be the source of my income. I would take up cases when I see some serious miscarraige of justice happening. As I get some time I'd take up some of the women's cell cases. Till then litigation would only be part time.

The third option....joining a law firm. I have been plain unlucky in this... or may be destiny have something else decided for me. This is a profession of cut throat competition. Here both the employer and the employee pay and they both earn. Only those juniors are taken in a law firm who can pay....... either by their contacts in the judiciary (the law firm gets the verdict in favour) or in the corporate world (the firm gets heavy pocketed clients). I don't have any such contacts. Neither does dad have. Dad is a one person who doesn't even belongs to this world..he lives in his own world. He doesn't keeps in touch. He doesnt know how to build contacts and keep and optimise them. He has served 40 years in the Government of India and have been througout surrounded by lawyers and yet he doesn't have contacts. In the past 2-3 years I have visited quite a few of the Delhi's Elite lawyers but none of them have been too keen to take me in their firms. I have been inflexible myself as well... have always been maintaining I don't wanna do Exise and Customs cases..... and most of these lawyers I have visited were experts in Customs and Exise. So, no luck in law firms.

Finally, the socio-legal side. A field I am passionate about, a field that allows me to work as per my rules, allows me to be creative, to take initiatives... a work where I get to travel and meet people, where I work not only from my mind but from my heart... The NGO Sector is a sector where I have good contacts, I have so many people who knows and appreciates me, I have great recommendation letters from firms like MSI. This is my place. This is where I would be.
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The new workplace is 30 km away from home. The perfect reason for me to move out. Have already spoken to mom and dad. They are not happy but they don't see any option. I am quite determined this time. Would start looking for a one room set soon and then........
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Lawyers don't win or loose...the clients do

Phew........

Today 10th of April marks the completion of one of year of my active blogging....(huh big deal)

As I was going through my old post I realised in this one year life has come to a full circle and am back at square one...once again stuck with that same diealma

This one year of blogging has made remarkable changes in my life....blogging is by far the best chance event of my life...gotta say a lot about it...will do later...
Meanwhile here I repost my debut post...

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

This is my first post, i am trying out this blog to share my strange but wonderful, bizarre but happy life with everyone out there. I have seen 28 winters so far. Although not very successful and happening but my life has been great a roller coaster ride so far and i am pretty sure i have a lot of interesting things to share. i take life as an experience and an experiment. i constantly thrive for change and novelty. i havent met many people of my type and hope to meet them thru my blog. if any one out there finds my posting interesting get in touch.

All of u watch out for this space cause you gonna get a peep in my life and its gonna be a one heck of an experience.

Truth is stranger than Fiction. I strongly believe in these lines. I also have done some value addition to it. Truth not only is stranger but can also be far more scary and bewildering than fiction. Whosoever said these words must have been a person as bewildered and confused as I am trying to handle truth.

What is ‘truth’? Its something that’s there, has occurred or is occurring right at this moment. I was born is a truth, the earth is revolving is also a truth. Something that’s bound to occur - truth. For eg. Sun shall rise tomorrow, or the water in the ocean shall still be there tomorrow. Truth is sometimes known to us. Things we know as a matter of fact or matter of our senses. Rose smells sweet is a truth. Sky is blue is a truth. It can be a combination of things we know and we don’t. JFK died. He was murdered, a truth who killed him? We don’t know. But someone did kill him that’s the truth even though we would never know who.

Coming to ‘Fiction’. Fiction is something that we imagine. Free from all inhibitions. There is no limit to how much one can tread into the world of imagination. I am free to imagine that I was born with wings but my parents thought it wouldn’t be a good idea have such a charming daughter with wings so they snapped them off. So I wont fly away. I can also imagine that one fine day I wake up and find that I live in a room with walls made of roses roof made of silvery grey clouds and floor made of turquoise water. Strange it is.

How strange can our thought process become while we create a fictitious world. I can throw a challenge to one and all. I’ll give all of you a situation and then will ask you to make your imagination run as wild as you possibly can. Lets see how strangely can you think. Then in the end I will tell you my truth. Truth that I can bet will defy all fiction. Truth that you haven’t read in books, or read in mythologies and legends, truth that no poet wrote about or no painter painted.
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I still have'nt written about this truth. Will do.

My Favourite Men

Aamir Khan

A man who has always stayed away from the media, rarely attended a Celebrity Show, be it awards or other cause, in the past decade, his movies comes after a gap of 3-4 long years, he endorses just few products........and yet is always ruling the Indian Movie Goers mind. In an industry where you are only as good as your last release, where no one remembers if you don't stay on the charts, where there is Shah Rukh Khan is the king and Amitabh Bacchan is God...Aamir has managed to grab a place so special, so high up above, so strong...that he is beyond all comparison.



In one of the Coca Cola Ads.

There's just nothing that can beat this man. A self made success, if I have a role model that's him.

Robert Deniro

He needs no introduction, if there is any actor in Hollywood who is synonymous to versatality that is him. From being funny to scary to romantic to satanic he has done it all with equal ease and style . Can't get enough of him...



Aka Don Vito Corleone. I think I liked God Father II more than part I because of Robert.


And that's his famous famous pose..."I am watching ya"

Tom Cruise

The ultimate good looks. I can't ever fully explain how good looking do I find him. Ok I know he isn't the tall dark handsome kinds...but there is something about him...simply irresistable...and some how I feel he is a great person too...

Oh c'mon isn't this the most good looking face on earth?

As Lt. Daniel Kaffee in "A Few Good Men". This is the time when he looks blankly at nothing giving that one last thought in his mind "This is it, I have to do this" before he puts Col Jessup on the Stands...
One of the reasons I like him so much is because he played both of my favourite male charecters for all times past and present. Lt. Daniel Kaffee and Jerry Maguire.

Ronan Keating

Was in my late teens when I first heard Boyzone's cover of 'words'. There opened a door to a new world. The romance with these 5 Irish Hearthrob continued for 5-6 years. We went through a lot of ups and downs, been through love and hate...

Those were different days back then, Channel V and MTV weren't colored basanti yet, they used to air informal inteveiews, biographies, News...Me and my sister used to do late nights to watch the MTV Indonesia Programs....everything about them was of concern...from their toe nail to their pet cat, their girl friend, parents....it was crazy....

Ronan inarguably the most talented of the bunch flied solo one day...my focus gradually concentrated on him alone...and is till date one of my fav singer.


Ronan has associated with quite a few big dadys in the industry, his first album had a collaboration with Bryan Adams "Its the way you make me feel". The Fourth album which contains the past hits had him collaborating with Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) on Father and Son

However, inspite of hits like "when you say nothing at all", "Life is a Roller Coaster".... Ronan has a long way to go. Personally, I think he has got excellent vocals and would sure make a mark for himself some day.

And oh yeah he is one hunky guy too....... :P

And finally 'You'

Coming outta that dream world.........

Lemme talk bout the first man in my life whom I have looked at and felt he can be the one I can spent the rest of my life with. No, not in love yet, no butterflies in stomach or anywhere either, just find him special. If there is anything called "liked a lot at first sight" its that. Just known him for 2 months now, but we happen to connect great we both like each other. What next?

I don't know. Ideally I would want to be into a realtionship, a commitment, see each other for couple of months and then may be ask him "where are we going?" At the moment would want to be a little more than just friends..... But then we want so many things in life, how many do we get, and we only get what we are destined to........

A good friend common to both of us have been giving him these hints bout what I have in mind, hints to such extent that even a donkey would know who is she talking bout....

him - tell me who is she
my friend - She is one of x y and z
him - is it x
my friend - No its certainly not x
him - and it certainly can't be y
my friend - then who is left?
him - [silence]

Tell me do you still need to hear it from me. Why do you wanna know? What will you do? Did you ever ask the sun who does it shines for.....you long for the warmth of sunshine, you go get it.

I have faced rejection thrice. Twice at my face, once through one common friend. All petty crushes, I got over too soon, but what I felt while being rejected was too painful. I carry all my baggages with me. I act apprehensively. Men, I have been romantically inclined towards, have only hurt me. Most of them are too coward to face the girl from yesterday and I hate loosing friends.... I don't want to loose your friendship.

Sometimes a man can be very shy he doesn't wants to make the first move, then the girl makes the first move, he makes the second and they move on. Then there are other times when a man doesn't wanna make any move at all because he have got nothing to do with her or her feelings for him, but he would still wanna hear it from her mouth just cause it boosts there ego. I don't know which kind are you. You are too secretive about yourself and I don't wanna take a risk...No am not such a dare devil.

Every incident in my life alters one of my traits forever. Rejections made my feelings for someone reciprocative. I might have feelings for someone cause he said he have them for me. In those rare occassion when it doesn't have to be reciprocative, when I myself tend to like someone I try being extremely secretive about it. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts I have been liking some one for more than 15 years now and he doesn't have a clue. I can't reach out. It's very difficult to seek. Am making a lot of exceptions in your case, thanks to blogging... am saying a lot. Hope you get my point.

One heart beats somewhere
One soul longs
One mind thinks
One for one
Could that be me? You ask
Don't wonder
Ask your heart
whom does it beats for?
Follow it
The twain shall meet if destined

You

If this was a perfect world, This man would have been my perfect man and we would have fallen in love so very perfectly that we would have lived happily ever after....

Thanks god this isn't a perfect world

Talking about dazenamused. I have been reading his blog for quite some time. Though he has deleted most of his previous posts now.... a darn honest dreamer, wishing every moment of his life could be that perfect moment of ecstasy.... but realising everything is just a dream not for real. Like a kid he is ready to give up everything he has for a small little nothing, say a smile on that special someone's face, but lost his innocense in being wary about every thing and being around. He tries in vain to be ruthless, to reject the extended hands, to scare away all of them...and when his defence mechanism doesn't work he sheds silent tears and burts into cruel laugh...

To you, that's what I could gather bout you from your blog...that's the way you are in my dream, don't try to correct me even if I am wrong, let it be....