Death To False Metal

Over twenty-five years in retrospect - it's amazing how absolutely cheesy this album (and basically everything Manowar touched) is. I can actually remember the conversation I had with my confused anti-hair metal friend (sadly he was very much in denial...) at Alwilk Records as he tried to convince me that Manowar were putting the "heavy" back into heavy metal and I had to drop an ungodly amount of cash for this CD (of which he only had the cassette and desperately needed the bonus track). At the time Manowar held the Guinness World's Record for loudest band or something unremarkable like that, I don't know what about this made them "good" or "listenable" - as far as I was concerned fucking Duran Duran could fill a stadium with amps and claim that title and that was fine by me. Pushing the boundaries of geekdom, Manowar channel their Excalibur-esque version of metal to such an extent that the laughable "The Warrior's Prayer" short story could be mistaken for trailer narration stolen from any number of 1980's sword-and-sorcery epics. As far as the music goes, it's token heavy metal cheese - ultra-obnoxious guitar solos (courtesy of Ross The Boss, 'natch), big vocal choruses and an ear-piercingly screaming lead singer that would do Dio proud. Seriously, the guy is basically a parody of metal singers he is so obnoxious. The album's title track is really the only one that rises above the muck - it's got such a ridiculously presumptuous swagger that it is probably exactly what Seth Putnam was channeling as Anal Cunt recorded cock-rock tribute Fuckin' A. Awfully boastful prowess by a band who likes to claim they "wear jeans and leather... not cracker jack clothes" although every press photo I've seen shows the guys oiled up and dressed in Viking-esque loincloths. It's too bad Manowar shot their wad so long ago - this generation's Game Of Thrones fanboys would have probably eaten this shit up. Still, a fun ride down memory lane.

All Men Play On 10

Re-Re-Revisted

Don't ask why but I've been listening to a bit of old-school Metallica lately. And by old-school I mean pre-1991 Black Album Metallica. I've never really heard anything they've released since that era, I'm one of the many who found their gigantic crossover album really dry and dull; I was getting more into death metal at the time and just tapped out of being a Metallica fan. I remember the excitement leading up to the "Enter Sandman" video premiere on MTV and it was... just kinda... OK. As was the album. "Sad But True" wasn't too bad (but upon revisiting it - phew - that is one boring song) and I kinda liked "Don't Tread On Me" but all in all a real letdown. So why am I whining about it 20 years later? Well, it brings me to the Metallica album I liked the most - 1987's Garage Days Re-Revisited. In case you've been living in a cave on Mars with your fingers in your ears for the past two decades, Re-Revisited is a tight 5-song EP of the band covering some of their favorite New Wave Of British Heavy Metal tunes (along with a couple Misfits tracks to boot); but for all intents and purposes I've pretty much considered the obscure songs Metallica originals (in the same way "Hey Joe" is an original Jimi Hendrix tune - any Leaves fans out there can kiss my ass). I know such a statement will raise the ire of the two or three Budgie enthusiasts lurking throughout the Welsh countryside but there's not much I can say to appease other than that Metallica is the sole reason anyone still acknowledges them or most of the other bands named below (much thanks to the internet as well). With that being said, I thought I'd throw together a compilation of all those original songs for nothing else but to have something a little different to listen to. Included are "Helpless" by Diamond Head, "The Small Hours" by Holocaust (my favorite track), "The Wait" by Killing Joke, "Crash Course In Brain Surgery" by Budgie, "Last Caress" and "Green Hell" by the good ol' Misfits and "Run To The Hills" by Iron Maiden. Along with that I compiled the originals of a bunch of other popular Metallica covers - all before the godawful Garage, Inc. abomination in the mid-90's. "Turn The Page"? Excuse me while I fucking vomit. Here's Diamond Head doing "Am I Evil?" and Blitzkrieg with "Blitzkrieg" (both bonus tracks on the Kill 'Em All CD), Diamond Head (again) with "The Prince" (found on the B-side of my "One" cassette single), "Breadfan" by Budgie (B-side on the "Eye Of The Beholder" cassete single), Queen's "Stone Cold Crazy" (Metallica's contribution to 1990's Rubáiyát: Elektra's 40th Anniversary double CD) and Anti-Nowhere League's "So What..." from the "Sad But True" cassette single (thanks to the sadly defunct Colostomy Grab-Bag for the album cover idea). And with that purchase came the end of my Metallica fandom. I've tracked down some pretty fine quality tracks, I think completists will be pleased. Enjoy.

$5.98                         $6.66

 
Currently watching: The Night Porter

Currently listening to: Queen A Night At The Opera

Shoulda stayed Quiet....

Having just watched the relatively entertaining Anvil: The Story Of Anvil DVD I got thinking about other 80's metal bands that never seemed to want to relinquish their fifteen minutes of fame. While heavy metal almost goes hand-in-hand with the idea of one-hit wonders, none really came out of the gates as huge as Quiet Riot did in 1983. Yeah, I know they'd been around since 1975 but for a heavy metal band to go from relative obscurity (outside of Japan) to holders of the #1 album in America in the blink of an eye is still to this day unheard of. And after that, how could they not be doomed to fail? For chrissakes, their biggest hit was a cover tune to boot! Like Queensryche, Extreme, Trixter, Kix, White Lion, Great White (etc...etc... ad nauseum) and other metal bands who went from zero to hero overnight (usually with a shitty ballad), QR hoped lightning would strike twice. But it didn't (even with another Slade cover tune) and they should have just wrapped it up as most others did when grunge destroyed the heavy metal genre. Unfortunately, much like the aforementioned Anvil (who were never nearly as big but chased the same fifteen-minutes-of-fame dragon), Quiet Riot ignored reality and kept at it (under various lineups but usually with mainstay vocalist Kevin DuBrow), releasing a seemingly unending string of forgettable albums. Seriously, can you name one???

Well, with all that being said, I now bring you to 1999's Alive And Well, the first Quiet Riot album since 1984's Condition Critical to feature the original lineup of DuBrow, Sarzo, Cavazo and Banali. Did they hit the lottery again? Well, I wouldn't say that. Alive And Well is pretty much a snapshot of what heavy metal sounded like in 1984 and if you are into that scene, you'll probably love it. Nothing original, cheesy guitar solos and godawful lyrics abound but you'll definitely get some smiles (and laughs, and heckles) at your next party if you play it loud enough. It does rock in that extinct 80's way and "Slam Dunk" has GOT to be the cheesiest song ever written - I mean, really, basketball metaphors for sex? Sheesh, c'mon guys. The equally forgettable Pretty Boy Floyd actually penned the retarded anthem but for Quiet Riot to cover it shames them just as much as their cornball co-conspirators. To welcome the new millennium, QR also re-recorded their biggest hits for Alive And Well. You'll get "Metal Health", "Cum On Feel The Noize" and other hit singles (even the not-really-a-hit "The Wild And The Young" from QRIII) in all their over-produced, played-too-many-times-live, passionless glory. None outdo the originals and it makes me think the band was just trying to secure song copyrights. What can ya do. The band kept on slogging through the sadly retro club circuit for most of the next decade (while still releasing albums (!)) until DuBrow's death in 2007 from an OD. His passing dealt the final blow to a band which had sadly became a caricature of itself over nearly twenty years. I've never heard any of their final stuff and probably never will... Alive And Well is a fitting send-off in my mind - it's awful but in that "kinda good" sort of way.

R.I.P. Kevin DuBrow