I hope you've enjoyed my masterpiece of Erotic Double-Entendre
special introductory paragraph!
Uncomfortable But Free
Exhumed At Birth
Chiropractic
From Coalinga To Osaka: Live In Japan 1995 DVD
When a group of young glue sniffers in Coalinga, CA decided to commit suicide in the early 1990s, nobody could've guessed that not only would they survive, but they'd exit their ordeal with bizarre, unnatural injuries and perplexing pseudonyms. Nevertheless, this was no fiction and the bizarre saga of noise/metal kings Faxed Head was just beginning. Vocalist McPatrick Head found himself confined to a wheelchair with a monstrously enlarged plaid head and mile-long eel-like arms, guitarist Neck Head's entire head was removed and replaced by a two-foot neck, drummer LaBrea Tar Pits Head suffered the indignity of a face covered in tar, and both electronic noisemaker Fifth Head and bassist Graph Head became ugly and poorly dressed. Later, when Graph called his musical career a day, the others replaced him with a forgotten sixth victim of the failed suicide pact, Jigsaw Puzzle Head. True to expectation, his face resembled a jigsaw puzzle. You may not understand Faxed Head, and you may not like their music. However, one thing's for certain.
Faxed Head began their career with a number of 7" singles, nearly all of which are compiled on this money-saving compact discount. These include:
- Faxed Head 7" - Stomach Ache Records 1992: "Element Of Life," "January's Here," "Rotten Cakes," "McPatrick's Lament," "Big Ol' Cheese," "Bay's Ball/New One's"
As an extra-special added bonus for the CD generation, they also included "Wireless Rattle" from the America The Beautiful v/a compilation, as well as the previously unreleased "Wyoming Hair" and "The Astronaut." As a hateful 'fuck you' to the CD generation, they did not include "Bone Cracks" from their 1994 split-single with Breathlizor on Eerie Materials Records.
During this portion of their career, Faxed Head played a messy mixture of extreme metal and Japanese-style electronic noise, topped with growly indecipherable lyrics and punctuated by frequent blasts of annoying feedback and tape-squealing racket. Still, there are enough great hooks to keep your ears open and eyes along the road, including the twisted marchcore anthem "Show Pride In Coalinga," funnilegible moomaloom "Violence Gone" and ass-kicking metal licker "Wyoming Hair."
Although hindered by underdeveloped songs and irritating electronic buffoonery, Uncomfortable But Free is certainly bizarre, and its lyrics are masterworks of eccentric black humor. Here, enjoy these samples I've chosen for you:
- "I'm never going to leave Coalinga/I love it here; it is my home/Also, I cannot get up/Or my bones will puncture through my skin"
Interestingly, the liner notes also credit Joan Crawford Head, Snack Head and Washington D.C. Head for various services provided. Exactly how many people were involved in this suicide pact!?
With bassist Graph Head now replaced by the less incompetent Graph Paper Head, Faxed Head sat down to craft its debut long-player. Rather than continuing the haphazard noise-metal of their earlier records,they chose to craft a serious real-life heavy metal album. And it's REALLY GOOD! The songs have
wonderfully memorable riffs, be they thrash, doom, black, grind, experimental, hardcore or even Olde
English classical.
A few of the lyrics are more "serious" this time around (two are apparently adapted from Richard Harris poems!), but the original compositions are still funny as duck. For example, normally when you see a song title like "Gore And Guts," you expect a Cannibal Corpse-esque garden of atrocities. Instead, Faxed Head gives you "Albert Gore has the guts/To lead this nation of goddamned nuts." Yes, it's a song about Al Gore. And his inner strength.
I know what you're thinking.
No hang on, that's what I'm thinking.
Other highlights include "House Of Spirits" (about a tavern), "The Ancient Evil" (about an old man who died and went to Hell, where "they won't let him collect coins/the one thing he loved so on Earth"), "The Blackened Coffin" (about a poorly thought-out Burger King promotion offering "a blackened coffin with a child's meal"), "A Dream" ("Call a local a 'fag' is the only way to die/Wheel me out on the street so I can try"), the hilarious obscure reference "Could Eckankar Help?" and, of course, the grindcore cover of Leonard Cohen's "Teachers."
The only thing that mars the record is the inclusion of four pointless "ambient" pieces that, though they further the parody of Norwegian black metal, do so in a very dull manner. Otherwise, Exhumed At Birth is a highly recommendable heavy metal CD. In fact, "Don't Turn Out Like Me" has one of the greatest metal riffs ever written by anybody!
Experimental noise novelty black metal dance ambient? Sure! A Boredoms/Burzum jam session? Whatevs! In fact, you might consider Chiropractic a cross between the last two CDs, combining the ridiculous tape manipulations, "error" noises, frenzied pace and funny as hell
lyrics of UBF with the honest-to-god talented metal playing of EAB. There aren't
as many memorable riffs as on the last record, but the non-stop humor completely makes
up for it. Lyrically, the record tells more tales from the mythology of Faxed Head, the disfigured
failed-suicide-pact gang stuck in Coalinga, CA. Forget the Viking lore of your favorite Norwegian black
metal bands, these guys can only sing what they know -- and what they know are filthy rest stops ("Off of
Highway Five/I won't tell you the exit/Is a filthy rest stop/Men are having sex at"), godawful state-appointed
rehabilitation jobs ("Sexy thong bikinis/Are the latest rage/I package them in small bags/I make minimum
wage"), the endless accusations that come from being a bunch of long haired metal rockers in a small
Mormon town ("Pied pipers of death? I can barely breathe!") and, of course, hospitalization ("The health
care we receive here is the best/Pretty nurses shoot us up with winks suggesting sex"). Perhaps the
majority of black metal fans won't be interested in these tales of the half-dead in suburbia (even "Demon's
Chills" is just a song about getting diarrhea from bad Mexican food), but at least all the lyrics aren't in
some idiot language that nobody can understand. On the musical side of things, the record is full of
wicked metal riffs (I can't imagine any fan of metal not digging the high-speed pounder "Rest
Stop Cleaning" or eerie, richly textured "Deathly Peace," which is a total Burzum-a-thon, even
down to the ridiculous high-pitched screams), untameable grindcore (this time in the service of a Robin Gibb cover) and...umm... a "Weird Al" Yankovic-esque parody of Tupac Shakur's "California Love."
And that is my description of the music. Please turn the page. Productionally, they make a big
production of making it sound like a small-time production. In several locales on the CD, a whole song will suddenly
get muffled or completely disappear, as if the tape was eaten or a store manager suddenly
entered the Taco Bell bathroom where they lay down their tracks. As if that weren't enough
entertainment for today's short-sighted listener, they also do a much better job with their "ambient" tracks this time. You know how some of those Viking black metal bands include spooky wind noises between songs, in order
to coax the listener into feeling the cold chill of deepest Norwegia no matter where he is enjoying the
record? Well, Faxed Head don't live in Norway. They live in Coalinga. So instead what you get is crap like
a minute and a half of silence punctuated by distorted blasts of somebody yelling and, best of all, a full
THREE MINUTES of "cars passing by" noises at the beginning of the blues rocker "Mr. Bus Driver" (which,
btw, features a guest appearance by the band's archenemies, the Bon Larvis Band). You'll laugh 'til you
cry, live 'til you die and be really bummed out when it suddenly ends after only 35 minutes. But alas, this is the CD age, so 35 minutes is as long as a musical work can be anymore.
So, unfortunatelly, I canīt say that was well spent money, but I would buy
it again if I could travel back in time. My favourites are "Rest Stop
Cleaning", "Demonīs Chills", "Bring The Dead boy Peace", "Chiropractic" and
of course "Coalinga Love". Very good record. "Experimental Black Metal"
seems quite accurate to me, because itīs vague and unspecific. My parents
love it, theyīre really happy with this purchase. My girlfriend is driven to
tears with the deep and honest sadness of "The Four Freshmen". My grandma
asks me to play "Demno's Chills" at top volume when I'm listening to it.
So well, I think I may be the biggest FH fan in the world, or you know of
someone who would spend that money on one of their CDs? Next time Mark, tell
your friends to make longer recordings or I'll stop buying their CDs (and by
longer, I donīt mean adding 3 or 4 minutes of noise to each song), OK? And
slap them across the face for me.
I have to thank you in that I would have never known Faxed Head except
for you. I have never been able to get into the first two albums.
Chiropractic on the other hand is incredible. It's every bit as good
a comedy metal album as the Spinal Tap soundtrack.
My favorite moments:
The riffs on "Rest Stop Cleaning"
The whole diarrhea theme of "Demon's Chills"
The fake Vinyl LP scratches.
The bone cracking solo of "Chiropractic"
The Mic squeaking right after "The boy Died"
"Coalinga Love" - "We clip coupons on the weekend take 'em to the store
Double value on Tuesdays; so you save even more."
A definite 10/10 for me.
I don't know if you've taken the time to view this new "Weird Al" Yankovic video about Craig's List, but holy cripes what a waste. Shame on him for wasting such a fun idea -- a stylistic Doors parody, complete with Ray Manzarek on keyboards -- on a song with no jokes and a video in which nothing happens. Now if I'D been in charge that day, it would've gone a lot differently. Here's just one of many possible ideas I might have had:
Riders taking dumps
Yeeeeeah!
There's a killer on the road
Yeeeeeah!
Girl you gotta wipe your butt
AND THE REST WRITES ITSELF!
I've also come up with a hilarious video concept that beats the living tar out of his "stand here and look like Jim Morrison" crapass shit video of garbage that they're currently airing on the YouTube. Here, check this out:
(*fades in*)
But enough outta Mark "The Idea Man" Prindle. Let's talk about the new DVD from Faxed Ned!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say "Faxed Ned"? I of course meant "Faxed Ned".
The problem with this DVD is that at the time they played their monumental Japanese show on October 30, 1995 (at a giant venue! filmed with multiple cameras!), they were still more of an abrasive noise band than a black metal juggernaut. These songs are difficult enough to make sense of in their studio versions; live, they're just a bunch of muffled tuneless calamity! Nevertheless, the disc's main program showcases Faxed Head Version One putting the nub on 9 Uncomfortable But Free tracks, along with Sabbathy dirge "Bone Cracks" and two previously unreleased songs (ugly metallic "Quality" and playful pop sequel "New One's II"). 'Tis a pity that the whores haven't released a studio version of "New One's II," because it's one of the catchiest songs they've ever written. Unfortunately, aside from this track, the catchy hard rocker "Wyoming Hair," and the wonderfully ridiculous "Violence Gone," the Japan set is a mess. A visual treat of course, but sonically very hard to take -- with McPatrick's vocals inaudible, Neck's axe only half-tuned and Fifth Head's awful electronic screeches drowning out what few riffs there are.
But about those visuals! I know I described the band in my opening paragraph, but what a gasoline it is to actually see McPatrick with his giant papier-mache head rocking back and forth in a wheelchair and slamming his endless arms against the stage while alternating between drastically inappropriate Roger Daltrey-style stage patter ("We're gonna make all your rock'n'roll dreams come true! The healing power of rock'n'roll!") and suicidal complaining ("Help! Somebody please help me! I don't wanna live!"). Then you've got Neck over there with no eyes, wearing a Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer shirt; Graph making kickass rocker moves with his axe-head bass, long metal hair, knee-high boots and "Muzak" t-shirt; Fifth decked out in skintight stocking pants and gold shirt, performing impressive mime when not creating horrible sounds; and LaBrea Tar Pits back there just doing his thing with the drums and percussion.
Other highlights include:
I give the Japanese performance a 4. Luckily, there's plenty more to enjoy on this digital video disc!
The first bonus feature is 2001 footage of Faxed Head Version Two performing five of their hits (one Uncomfortable But Free and two from each of their full-lengths) at a pair of Canadian clubs. THIS is the incarnation that should've received the full DVD treatment: better songs and hilarious McPatrick stage patter leave the 1995 show in the experimental dust. Unfortunately, the sound quality is terrible so the music still sounds like shit.
Highlights of the Canadian footage include:
I give the Canadian footage a 7. I just wish there were more of it!
The other bonus features include (a) a slideshow of drawings, flyers, artwork and set lists, (b) the original lyric sheets for rare tracks "Quality" (scrawled on a ripped record sleeve: "We can't give it our all, we are cripples/Bands that can stand up have got it made!") and "New One's II" ("Mommy said we were smart/Daddy's a chef who makes bad cherry tarts"), and (c) THE REASON YOU NEED TO BUY THIS DVD RIGHT NOW. An easy-to-find Easter Egg (check under "The Astronaut") brings you 40 minutes of the most brilliant and hilarious musical satire you'll ever witness: a 40-minute performance by The Bon Larvis Band.
If you're not familiar with the Bon Larvis Band, that's probably because they've never released any records. Nevertheless, they are Faxed Head's chief rivals in the Coalinga music scene, which is strange considering they couldn't sound any differenter if they tried. You see, The Bon Larvis Band "is a hard working bunch of BOOGIE-WOOGIE-BLUES LOVEN FANATICS, who EAST SLEEP AND LIVE THE BLUES 24-7! !" (as they state on their web site, http://www.boogiewoogiewiththethebonlarvisband.faithweb.com/index.html). And if you hate electric blues music as much as I do, you will fall fist-first on the floor laughing at this amazing easter egg of joy.
I've no clue what any of the band members' names are (the only monikers mentioned on their web site are "Carl" and "The Duck"), but they appear as such on camera:
Here is their entire 40-minute set list:
AND THAT'S IT!
Still, don't worry for one second that it will get tiresome. Of course it gets tiresome. But that's when it gets even funnier!
Highlights include:
I proudly award the Bon Larvis show a perfect 10 out of 10, even though parts of it are so drunkenly unlistenable that it's almost painful. And to take us back to the beginning of the review, this singer does a much more accurate Jim Morrison impression than "Weird Al" Yankovic.
So do the world a favor and purchase Faxed Head's Live In Japan DVD right now! Don't feel compelled to watch the Live In Japan portion though; it's not very good.
I'll leave you with the infamous words of The Bon Larvis Band's singer:
"There ain't one kind of boogie; there are three kinds of boogies
The "Gritty Boogie" being "School's Out" is awesome. I wish the clip didn't just end for no reason.
I'm not that interested in the Faxed Head part of the DVD, but if the
Bon Larvis easter egg is as good as that clip, I'm going to order it.
I wanted to tell you the story behind the Faxed Head DVD and how it came to be. A few years back, July 2005 to be precise, I was talking to McPatrick Head about the Faxed Head tour in Japan from 1995, and he told me that one of the shows was professionally taped, sadly after FH left Japan, they lost contact with Satoru Higashiseto, the guy behind the recording.
Of course, I, being an obsessive bootleg collector, decided to look for the recording of this show. At first I tried to do it myself, but my lack of researching skills and my stupidity using google didn't allow me to find anything, so I contacted my good friend Elliot Wrann, who in a matter of minutes (I'm not kidding) found Satoru and e-mailed him, just hours later I was e-mailing McPatrick Head with all the info about the recording and I know Satoru send him the footage...
The thing is that if it wasn't for Elliot Wrann this DVD wouldn't exist, now don't get me wrong, I'm happy with what Mike and Craig did with the editing and DVD layout, but I'm sure we could have done something better. The footage was stored again after it got to the USA and I believe the editing was done in Canada, but that's not relevant.
If you read the credits my name's there, but Elliot's name also deserves to be there, that guy is a genious when it comes to research and unearth weird recordings.
Thank you very much for your reviews :)
- Necrogenometry 7" - Amarillo 1993: "Pantera Lines," "Violence Gone," "Spanish Rice"
- Show Pride In Coalinga 7" - Amarillo 1993: "Show Pride In Coalinga," "The Colors Of Coalinga"
- Tire 7" - LaBrea 1994: "Der Michelint," "Tired," "Time To Retire," "Pirelli Deli"
- "In spring, at Burger King, they put up orange banners/In December, they put up red/In their parking lot, I shot myself"
- "In addition to our suicide pact/We respect tires, and their rubber track"
- "Element of life/Butter butter cup/I'd drop it all right now/Dearest babe/I'm in pain/Sniff glue you whore cow"
- "Don't tell me cut your Wyoming hair/I'll nail you to a cross and piss on you"
- "I shot my face and it was bad/So I had the surgeon make it plaid/Why, God, why?"
- "They put a man into space/He shit his pants on the moon/The whole galaxy was watching"
As a black metal album it's okay. But as a Peaches & Herb tribute album
it's fuckin' brilliant!
Fine record, but It's too short. When I pay 24 dollars for a CD I'm
expecting something longer, like 50 or 60 minutes. If youīre wondering how
could I be so dumb to spend THAT money on THIS CD, Iīll make things clear
for you by tellig you a long story. I live in a country named Uruguay (South
America for a wider reference), and thatīs the price of CDs here. So, the
result is always the same, you end up with the awful feeling you have been
robbed, no matter how good or long the record you bought is.
Mark,
"Weird Al" Yankovic's hilarious new parody of The Doors' "Riders On The Storm"
Making little smelly clumps
It comes out of their rumps
And makes us look like chumps
If you find some in your pumps,
it's probably Donald Trump's
Riders taking dumps
In his pants, he's dropped a load
Take a long holiday
Til the stench all floats away
If you give this man a ride,
He'll poop inside your car
Killer on the road
(*a bunch of hilarious sight gags*)
(*fades out*)
- McPatrick constantly falling out of his wheelchair, followed by Zip Code Rapist (and fellow Amarillo recording artist) John Singer repeatedly running onstage to help him back up
- McPatrick dramatically announcing "I will walk!" before falling face-first onto the stage
- McPatrick rolling his wheelchair right into the audience, leaving Fifth to do slapstick pratfalls all over the stage
- Surreal scenes of Japanese schoolchildren wearing McPatrick's head and laughing at each other!
- Jigsaw Puzzle's wife Nurse Emily standing silently onstage in case of any medical emergencies
- McPatrick gruffly announcing, "We're gonna play a song! Then we're gonna go to sleep."
- McPatrick's horrendous coin trick, in which he (a) asks, "Hey Fifth Head! Are there any beautiful ladies out there?," (b) feels a female volunteer's chest with his giant arms "to make sure she's a lady," (c) "removes a coin from her eardrum," only to accidentally drop it down her shirt, and (d) responds to her complaints by screaming, "Get the hell out of here!" and admonishing his band to "Play a song! Quick!"
- Fifth "running against the wind" in front of the band in the middle of a song
- McPatrick pathetically pleading, "Do we have any ladies in the audience who would like to make love? Please leave your names.... Even a picnic would be appreciated."
Vocalist - wearing a U.S. Flag shirt, red pants and cowboy hat; smoking cigarette and drinking beer
Guitarist - wearing a gross t-shirt, long brown shorts, sunglasses and beard; smoking cigarette and drinking beer
Bassist - wearing a "Dugway Fire Department" t-shirt, plastic cap and sunglasses; smoking cigarette and drinking beer
Harmonica Player - wearing long sideburns, mustache and sunglasses; smoking cigarette and drinking beer
Drummer - Looking and dressing exactly like Bun E. Carlos, smoking cigar and drinking beer
- "The New Reliable Boogie" (i.e ."La Grange" with different lyrics)
- "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton
- "Pork And Beans Boogie" (i.e. "Bad To The Bone" with different lyrics) Four minutes into this track, the singer realizes that the band is actually playing "The Refried Boogie," and has them start over with the correct music (i.e. "Bad To The Bone"... but slower)
- The singer screaming at his musicians to "Bring it down!" -- like twenty times in a row. ["Sometimes when you're playin' the blues, you bring it up! Not tonight; we're gonna bring it DOWN!"... "We're only 25% of the way down, ladies and
gentlemen"... (to drummer) "That wasn't down!"]
- The band's constant championing and embellishing of their chosen musical style ("Ya'all like the dirty dirty dirty whorehouse blues!?"... "The low-down dirty whorehouse boogie woogie motherfuckin' blues!"... "Gimme a B! Gimme an L! Gmme a U! Gimme an E! Gimme an S! What's that spell? That spells the low-down dirty boogie woogie motherfuckin' blues!")
- The entire lyrics of "Pork And Beans Boogie": "I got the pork and beans boogie in my ever-lovin' soul!" (x6) "I said because I don't have a microwave oven, those pork and beans are cold!"
- The singer clearly not knowing a single lyric of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine"
- A bass solo in which nothing occurs
- An uproarious five-minute joke about why the bass player "didn't want to play that show tomorrow night"
- The clearly incorrect boast, "We got about a thousand songs in our repertoire!"
- The singer stopping the band in the middle of a song because he sees a woman in the audience that wants to take their photo (followed soon after by his demand that she open her camera and expose the film because she photographed the band when they weren't holding beers)
- The drummer requesting that the audience leave the club before Faxed Head's performance, followed by the bassist muttering, "Blues is from the heart. Faxed Head ain't from the heart... It's from a couple feet below the heart, if you know what I'm saying")
There's the boogie woogie blues
And there's the kind of boogie woogie woogie blues that we all choose
And if you dispute my findings, then turn on the news!"
I'd been looking for Bon Larvis Band stuff for a long time, came up with
nothing and didn't know about the Faxed Head DVD. Finally, I found
this clip tonight but it doesn't seem to match your review so I wonder
if it has a different source:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID;=55101654#
I started writing this e-mail a bunch of days ago, before you announced your retirement, and I honestly have to say that I feel sad that I won't be reading your reviews again, but hell, life needs evolution and it's your decision, so go ahead and make the best of it, good luck!
Your FAXED HEAD cds are for sale right here.