John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims
Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day
Americans nationwide are searching for the perfect gifts to symbolize their love for Valentine’s Day. What will you give your significant other?
Ra Wins Westminster God Show
NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial chaos, judges announced Thursday that Egyptian deity Ra has taken top honors at the 141st annual Westminster God Show.
Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’
WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…
Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program
WASHINGTON—Championing the decision as a way to cut costs and still meet federally mandated nutrition requirements, President Trump announced a plan Tuesday to replace food stamps with a new low-income foraging program. “We have developed a new foraging-based plan that provides qualifying Americans with a small,…
Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation
AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that…
Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement
As union membership declines, the gig economy continues to grow, and automation becomes an increasing priority, the labor rights movement in the U.S. faces stiff challenges. The Onion presents a timeline of key events in the labor rights movement.
L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy
In a message to patrons, L.L. Bean announced that it would end its long-standing policy of guaranteeing products for life, citing modern business demands and customers exploiting loopholes in the plan. What do you think?
Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes
BELLEVUE, WA—In an effort to provide customers with a wide selection of shirts, pants, sweaters, and outerwear, retail chain Eddie Bauer announced plans Tuesday to release a brand-new line of brown clothes. “Since we pride ourselves on anticipating our customers’ tastes, we’ve designed this year’s collection around…
Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump
Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon believes that the “anti-patriarchy” could take down President Trump, and that culture will “never be the same going forward,” according to author Joshua Green. What do you think?
Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet
In the second episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David conducts preliminary interviews with those connected to the murder of Hayley Price, including chief of police Charlie Jameson and Hayley’s boyfriend Bryan, who is really hot but also––like––interesting––which is so hard to find in someone these days––as well as the…
Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings
AUSTIN, TX—Claiming the common-sense measure would save untold lives, mayors from 37 major American cities issued statements Thursday in favor of outlawing hollow-point silver bullets after the latest wave of gruesome werewolf slayings. “There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive…
Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident
WASHINGTON—Expressing a deep desire to see an unbelievably gut-wrenching and epic crash, Americans across the country were reportedly praying Monday for a super nasty luge accident. “I’m just hoping we get a chance to watch a guy lose control of the sled, slam really hard into the wall, and then go tumbling down the…
Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window
LONDON—A new study published this week in the journal Animal Behaviour revealed that house cats only meow when they want to alert their owners that they just witnessed a neighbor’s murder while looking out a window. “Through direct observation and analysis of feline vocal patterns, we were able to confirm that the…
Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased
NAMPA, ID—In an effort to provide space for the family during their time of mourning, detective James Horton reportedly refused Monday to pry into the circumstances surrounding 28-year-old Allan Lieberman’s murder out of respect for the deceased. “Due to the extremely sensitive nature of this violent incident, I have…
