How I struggled to overcome my vulnerability on a dark lonely night in Delhi NCR

It was the month of August and yet another day of 'season sale' at all the big malls in Delhi NCR. Like any other woman, I too got drawn towards the sale. Picking things from the sales get difficult sometimes, the one that really appeals doesn't come in the desired size and the one that fits, looks grotesquely odd when tried. Choosing things during a sale really consumes time and that day was no different. I lost track of time and it took me sometime to realise that I was getting late. I took the metro from the station closest to the mall at around 9:40 pm and headed back. Unlike other days, I boarded the mixed coach that night. I tried estimating the time I would be reaching my station, which is the last station in the route, Noida City Centre.

I looked around to find that I was the only female in that compartment. I took out a novel and started reading. There were men who tried peeking into the title of the book I was reading, and there were also men stealing random glances at me. But that didn't make me uncomfortable. Even I would have stared at a woman with a lot of shopping bags. Sustaining in a city where we get to hear about a molestation or a rape case every other day really gets difficult at times. We women have really become intuitive about our reactions that concern our safety. Our instincts readily judge which instance might lead to an alarming discomfort and which might not. That day, the stolen glances were not lecherous, may be that was why I was at my utmost ease.


With each passing station, the men in the compartment de-boarded one by one. Finally I was at the last station; I checked my phone, unfortunately, the battery has drained out by then. It was around 10:55 pm by my watch. The real struggle of getting a conveyance back home then began. My flatmate, an independent and confident woman, had once taken an auto on her way back from one of her late night outings. Out of concern, I told her to opt for a cab during the night hours which is apparently safer and could be tracked very easily. She gave a very detailed explanation of her choice of commute during late night saying, "Human nature is always unpredictable and if someday the driver on duty have some drift in mood, it's always easier to jump off an auto if anything like that goes wrong, rather than risking yourself in a cab where there is the auto central lock system". Both of us had a good laugh thinking about it. The words were light enough to make us laugh that day but somehow her words always linger in my mind whenever I have to choose a conveyance during my late night ventures. Subconsciously, her words still influence me to opt for a "door-less" auto.


Unlike other days, since it was the night before the Independence Day, the autos in the row were very few and even it got deserted earlier than usual. I found an auto and started off. It was a pretty straight route from the station to my place, which was just beside the main road. My flatmates words started lingering in my mind yet again and brought a smile. I realised that those words really have strongly adhered to my core.


With a sudden strong jerk the auto driver took a sharp right turn and it took me a few seconds to realise that he had diverted from the usual route to my home. I asked him but he just kept moving ahead towards an unknown dark lane. I shouted at him and he looked back saying," Arrey madam, I am going to fill air in the tyres," and smirked.


I asked him to stop and let me get down and told him to come back to the very spot after filling the tyres. But he just turned a deaf ear to everything and speeded towards the unknown darkness. My conscience jolted me and forced me to get out of that auto right there, and with a strong gut-wrenching shout I told him to stop and got out of the auto even before he had stopped, while he was slowing down. I didn't confront him, but he gave me a cold stare and he fled without confronting me either.


I stood there still and clamped for another few minutes. Standing at the very edge of my fear I somehow took a few steps towards the main road. I could see how my fear of vulnerability had over powered my strength, how the brightest of street lights around me couldn't garner the sense of security in me. I had the least of control over my thoughts which wandered fueling up my fear with each tick of time. I started thinking, about the various possible what-ifs; "What if he was not at fault and really wanted to fill his tyres with air? What if he was lying all the while and had some other intentions?" I questioned myself about the consequences that could have been graver, "Which pain would have been more severe-him slitting my throat slowly or him forcing himself on me by putting his hands over my mouth?"


I anxiously kept checking my dead phone over and over again with the hope that it might work. I tried assuring myself and waited for another auto, waited for a continuation from the moment in my life which was getting painfully long. I reached home and cried out my desperation and vented out my anguish and wrath towards my vulnerability. I tried figuring out where I went wrong: Choosing to shop for an extra hour? Choosing to travel alone without a male chaperone to guard my security? Maybe not following the apparent fact that everyone believes in-"women are vulnerable and late hours are not meant for them?"


The experience, however, didn't belittle me a single inch; instead it just made me several notches stronger mentally. The fear of vulnerability is the notion that I had carried in my mind somewhere subconsciously but that incident helped me to set my mind free and made me feel empowered. I didn't bow down to the notion of "woman being vulnerable to late hours." Yes, I am a little precautious, but it didn't stop me from taking a late night auto or a cab, I still take autos during night and each time I do, I still smile remembering the words my flatmate had said, "you can easily jump off an auto if anything goes wrong."

By Joonak Konwar