Is the Hoodia Gordonii Cactus the answer to obesity?

Yes - if your staple food has big scary spikes on, you don't want to eat. I'm not that desperate yet though.

This week, for anyone able to be blissfully unaware, has been anti-bullying week. I don't know why anyone would want such a thing. Being bullied is the best way for a fat, ugly, stupid kid to learn what lies in store for an adult with similar qualities. Thanks to the nice normal people who highlighted and made me pay for my faults all the way through childhood, i am now perfectly prepared for an adult life where people either dislike and avoid me or believe they are doing me a favour by speaking to me. I have a finely-honed attitude of not giving two shits whether people like me or not, and if it slips then it rarely does so in public. I'm very good at apologising for everything i will inevitably do wrong, up to and including my very existence. It also makes me appreciate the exceptions a lot more. Who could want more?
On the other hand, it would be nice if future generations didn't have to adopt this attitude.

(Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The author cannot be held responsible for any suspicion that it may in fact be at least as sensible as anything the government have come up with.)

You see the signs all the time, if you are the sort of person attuned to notice them. 'Dogs must be carried on the Underground', they say. I can't say i haven't breathed a sigh of relief that this is never enforced - going to London is enough of a faff without having to borrow a dog to carry around all day. I believe, however, that were this rule enforced, it would solve our perceived terrorism problem in an instant.

Think about it. If everybody had to carry a dog in order to use the Tube, it would reduce the numbers on each train to begin with. The prospects for suicide bombing would be reduced, as with a dog in one's rucksack there is no room for a bomb. Furthermore, Islamic fundamentalists would be deterred, as they don't go a bundle on our canine companions anyway. (Learning to love dogs, by the way, should probably be a core part of citizenship training, being one of those peculiarly English traits which make the English so peculiar.) Members of the BNP, meanwhile, could be easily identified by their distinctive bulldogs with union jack collars, and could thus be avoided or picked out by a trained marksman in a shot. As an added bonus, the charming doggy habit of piddling in innapropriate places could be put to good use in case of an incendary attack.

Next week: why ducks should rule the world.