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It’s been a tough few months for Ireland Inc. Our economy has imploded, our banking sector has decimated the state and Brian Cowen was last seen ranting and raving in a bunker below government buildings that “it’s all the fault of the traitorous opposition.”
The rumours that Department of Finance officials have ordered a copy of “IMF bailouts for Dummies” on behalf of the Minister Lenihan have been denied, but not as vehemently as one would have hoped for. To say that the man can't count would be like saying that Brian Cowen is a glowing picture of
health.
It’s become clear that the scale of the problem is not one that can be fixed merely with prudent economic management, a return to normal levels of taxation and slashing spending. Frankly, we are well past that point.
An EU/IMF bailout now seems like an inevitbility but
The State of the Nation has learned that at a late night brainstorming meeting by the financial wizards in the Department of Finance, a radical new plan is being thrashed out that could save Ireland from complete international humiliation.
So what’s it going to be? Take the public finances to Las Vegas and bet it all on black? Unfortunately Minister Lenihan’s preferred option is a non-runner. Las Vegas, for decades run by a shadowy, cliquish, group of poorly educated gangsters in ill-fitting suits, has seen an economic implosion second only to Ireland’s.
Las Vegas's troubles are in no small part due to unsustainably low levels of taxation, politicians that emphasised extreme free-market capitalism and an over reliance on property tax and the gambling industry for the public finances. A situation which sounds oddly familiar...
But help is at hand. It’s believed that senior Cabinet members are in the process of negotiating a complex and highly controversial deal which would bring Ireland’s economy back to the dizzying heights of the Celtic Tiger in one fell swoop, albeit at a price.
The traditional budget announcement in December is to be replaced by a proposal that we lease the entire Irish state to the Chinese government for 100 years and re-name the country “Hong Kong West.”
No doubt there will be consternation at the proposal, especially among the staunch Republicans on the government benches who have driven the country to the brink of oblivion, but there are few alternatives left to consider.
Due to the government’s inability to regulate the Irish banking system and unwillingness to face down the bond holders, Irish taxpayers are now liable for the €10’s of billions of bad debt that the property-happy banks have on their balance sheets.
Nor is the plan as far-fetched as it may seem. China is the only country in the world which is able to take on Ireland’s government debt and bad banks without blinking and have been looking for an ‘in’ in Western Europe for the last five years.
Previous attempts to buy the Canary Islands from the Spanish stalled mostly due to geographic considerations, as the islands were deemed too far from continental Europe for China’s planned financial hub.
The benefits for the Irish people are obvious: government debt would be immediately cleared and our banks, replete with new Chinese boards of directors who are able to both add and read a balance sheet, would be re-capitalised.
Ireland would become the hub for China’s burgeoning financial services industry and with the island ideally situated between the New York and major European stock exchanges, the long term plan would be to relocate the Shanghai exchange to “
Shanghai-West”, the proposed new name for Dublin.
Human rights worries should not be a particular hindrance to a deal; the Chinese government is already used to the concept of a “
One Nation, Two System” model, since they took over Hong Kong in 1997.
In any case, Ireland has essentially been a one and a half party state for most of the history of the state and the move to a one party system would not be much of a shock for most of the electorate.
Like Hong Kong, Ireland would retain its own parliament and a certain degree of local autonomy, in much the same way that Ireland did when it joined the EC in 1973 but with some concessions.
The Chinese government would naturally take charge of all foreign affairs responsibilities but would otherwise take a policy of “
Positive Non-Interventionism” in the country, as they have in Hong Kong. Irish citizens would now carry Chinese passports when travelling abroad, which are far less likely to be forged by Mossad.
Instead of Irish and English being the official languages of government, it would now be Cantonese and English. As in Hong Kong, most people would continue to speak English and the Irish would no doubt ignore Cantonese with the same aplomb as they have managed with Irish for the last 100 years.
So what are the drawbacks from an Irish perspective? Frankly it’s hard to think of any. Irish businesses would have unfettered access to the world’s largest growth market and the tourism industry would see an instant boost from a nation of one billion people with new money to burn.
Ireland would immediately return to the dizzying heights of the boom years, and more, with a genuine ‘Tiger’ economy that won’t deflate at the first sign of turbulence.
After 100 years we could regain complete control of our own affairs should we so choose, with a much stronger economic base than we currently enjoy. Given the situation we have bene led to by the most craven government in Ireland's history, we can’t dismiss the plan out of hand.
After all, who better to think their way out of this pretty pickle than the bright minds that led us to this point? Let’s just hope Granny can learn how to use the chopsticks...