Holden worst-ever sales result + VW's incredible EV cash splash

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• published: 22 Mar 2018
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Holden just posted its worst monthly sales in its entire 70-year history. How the mighty have fallen. Also in this report: Volkswagen’s cash splash - the CEO almost drowns in money, while ze Chermans put the battery-powered squeeze on Elon Musk. (And we’ll bust a nut right at the end of the show - that’s always pleasant.) But now, an annus horribilus update. Holden posted its worst monthly sales in 70 years this February. The brand looks certain to drop out of the top 10 soon - it is currently eighth, the lowest it has been since it was established in 1948. It’s at an all-time low against every metric that matters. Holden's market share has fallen from a high of 22 per cent in 2002 to just under five per cent today. Sales in February represented a massive slump of more than 18 per cent. Because there’s no more ‘real’ Holdens any more. The red lion whimpered into eighth spot only a handful of vehicles ahead of the monkey spankers at Volkswagen in ninth place. Kia in 10th is also nipping on Holden’s heels by the narrowest of margins. And both these competitors are on the way up, while Holden is making like Fat Man on August 9, 1945. A spectacular implosion. Clearly we live in fictional times: Malcolm Turnbullshit, the Federal Member for harbourside mansions, is Australian Prime Mincer, his 2IC was up until recently the infamous Beetrooter, and Kia could soon out-sell Holden. Together with the cake of Donald Trump’s upcoming impeachment, frosted lightly with Stormy Daniels, all we need now is the second coming of Christ, and we’d have the complete boxed set of nutty non-fiction. In Holden’s case, this is of course the bed you make when you betray Australians on so many fronts - accepting millions from the taxpayer and failing to meet the moral obligations there, and betraying customers by the thousands with crap products, appalling reliability and disgraceful customer service. Despite its previous brand cachet, in ute obsessed ‘Straya, Holden cannot even insert the Colorado into the top 10 vehicles - even though four utes are represented: Hilux (1st), Ranger (2nd), Triton (7th) and Navara (10th). Small cars are the long-term most popular segment in the market - and yet Astra is absent from the top 10. Corolla is 3rd, Mazda3 is 4th, Hyundai i30 is 6th, and Hyundai Accent is 9th. SUVs (CX-5 in 5th and RAV4 in 8th) make up the top 10. Holden can’t field a single car into the top 10. It’s unbelievable. I'd hate to be a Holden spin doctor, because coming to work to talk up this kind of disaster would just make me feel dirty. [Holden had been] “planning for a slower start to the year in terms of sales but it’s always our aim to sell more vehicles and our current market share is not where we want it to be” - Holden statement And if that doesn’t have you reaching for the sick bag, try this: “We’ve got our strongest product line-up ever, with more in the pipeline, so we expect to bounce back quickly.” - Holden spokesman Mark Flintoft. Goodness me: vomit clean-up to aisle three, stat. You'd probably agree with my conclusion that things are pretty bad if that's the best the spin doctors can manage... The fact is: Holden is on the nose with the Australian public. Declining popularity poses the risk of extreme depreciation in three to five years if you make the mistake of buying a Holden today. You have officially been warned.