i hope they find nuclear missile silos filled with i.c.b.m.'s spouting steam and gas from their sides...i hope we find chemical factories filled with barrels of mustard gas and nerve toxins...i hope we uncover all the banned weapons that we said were here...i hope we find it all...every last bit...then all of this will have served a glorious purpose that no one can argue with...and we were over here doing the right thing...i need to feel that...i need to know that i helped unplug a dangerous beast before it striked...i need to know that for all those that have died their deaths were not in vain...i need to know that we have prevented horrendous events from transpiring...and i want all of this to go down in history as 'the right thing to do'...but for that to take place there are still a lot of things that need to happen...

i'm here because i was ordered to be here...that is my reason...my sole reason...my personal feelings mean nothing...i was not asked...and i will not be asked...i'm cool with that...because i don't work in a democracy...i work for one...

i heard that 3 of the 4 'aces' were down for the count...i find it kind of silly that all of these vicious people who worked the iraqi country around their own wants...all of these carnivores who fed on the differences and lives of so many...have been reduced to a deck of cards...i know the reasons for it...but i wonder how many staff meetings were held to figure out just who would be the 4 of clubs...people with a hell of a lot more rank then me...making very important decisions...but doesn't it sound real news friendly when tom brokaw announces that they've caught 'the jack of diamonds'...a man with an even catchier name like 'machine gun abdula'...are these guys the atrocious leaders of an out of the way country filled with the 2nd largest oil reserve in the world...or are they 1930's american gangsters...baby face uday...maybe they're just a card game...where the stakes are really high...and the odds of winning are a house secret...

i'm sure we will catch them all...we'll get that full house...or that royal flush...or what ever name i'm sure they are using inside buildings that are shaped like geometrical figures...i hope so...i really do...because i want this to end...as soon and as peaceably as possible...

i hope iraq stands firmly on it's feet and we are allowed to go home...i hope that iraq is allowed to make up for all the time it has lost...i hope everyone is able to see eye to eye and there will be some bit of peace in this world...because i don't want my children back over here...and i would really like to make it through a generation with out a war...

people have called us whiners...we need to suck it up...i would agree...we're not supposed to speak out against those guys in the geometrical buildings...that's part of the job...maybe this generation is a bit lazier then 'america's greatest generation'...i would agree with that...but with a war like the second world war the enemy was obvious and the reasons among the most important ever to exist...no one disputes them...i only hope that someday people will look back on this and think the same...but like i said...quite a few things need to happen first...

i'm up at 5...staggering...blind in the dark...my p.t. shirt...over my head...hands feeling around the floor for my socks...got them...shoes slipped on...twisting my ankles...i'm on my feet...throwing the poncho wall to the side...i'm outside the tent...the sun is just barely lighting up the sky...it's a dull grey...and my face is still so sleep swollen that i can barely see...and i can feel it...in my stomach...i'm getting sick...i walk across the street passed the hmmv's...into the field...i have to take care of some business...relief...

back across the street...i can see people are already up...getting ready for the formation at 5:30...and my stomach...it's pissed off at me...but i swear it's not my fault...it's that damn viral thing from that place down south...i've caught it...

p.t. when your sick is not fun...but when you're in charge...you can decide to release your formation...which consists of 1 soldier...who...coincidently...is just getting over his viral thing from down south...so i render a salute to the platoon sergeant...i fall out my 'formation'...we walk to the p.t. field...and we take a left when we should take a right...i feel like i'm going to puke...and if i fart...i know i'll crap my pants...concentrate...like the kung fu master pressing nails through a 2X4 with his thumb...mind over matter type stuff...

i need water...i eat a power bar...and some kind of citrus fruit...the vitamin c...then sleep...

i sleep for about 5 hours...roughly...i wake up and eat a small can of beenie weenies with crackers...lots more water...i'm peeing about every 45 minutes...i'm hydrated...good...

i off to the shower point...i take my rifle with me...i take it every where now...i never leave it behind...the sun is bright...unbelievably bright...my glasses...dark again...my flip flops slapping my feet soles...a camouflage n.b.c. bag over my shoulder...through the dirt...over a torn down fence...past a row of tents that are using MRE boxes filled with dirt to weigh them down against the wind...which picks up after noon...big gusts filled with dirt...coating your body...sticky sweat...

i walk past 'the estuary'...when we first arrived it was a man made pond filled with murky noxious water...i remember looking into it...what was causing that smell...i could make out shapes floating...with the algae and logs...floating fish feeders...water bottles...huge shapes...giant dead fish...the big fish ate the smaller fish once the pond no longer received fish food from the iraqis living in the homes near by...they ate each other until the only ones left were to big to eat each other...then they eventually all died...the water evaporated over the next few months...the black birds with white wings...picked at the water for weeks...eating everything that was left...last week the pumps were turned back on and it was filled...i don't know why...lord knows we've already got enough mosquitoes...

at the shower point...i pull off my shirt...and i pull out my book...i pull up a chair...and i sit...i don't feel good...but i like the feel of the sun on my skin...i'll work on my tan...this horrible vacation...i finish the book...a giant book that i've been working on for 2 weeks...1000 pages...an accomplishment...

the shower point is jacked up...the wind blows down the ply wood walls...i pick them back up...and inside i twist the spicket attached to the hose...there is nothing...i expect something...but there is nothing...i'm already naked...the inside is cluttered with disintegrated soap...mud...wrappers...a pair of panties...and i sign that says something to the effect of clean up after your nasty ass self cause your mamma don't work here...the army...always puts it bluntly...

i wrap my towel around my waist...i move the ply wood...it's rough...i need two hands...but my other one is holding up the towel...so shove the wall...it falls...loudly...it startles a soldier using the nearby sinks to wash his clothes...i check the pipes...i turn the nozzle...i hear the water...but it's not going into the giant metal box over the shower...i follow the hose...around the back...it's fallen on the ground and it's created a nice puddle...i pick it up...and i climb the metal make shift ladder to the top...the water sloshes...my towel is now wet...but i don't care...i'm still trying not to fart...i get the hose into the box...and i'm back down the ladder...

the soldier helps me with the ply wood...i thank him...then i wash my nasty ass self...

i make the walk back to the tent...through the moon dust...my feet are now filthy...i'll wash them with baby wipes...right before i'll put on my d.c.u.'s and go into work...where i'll sit on my nasty ass until midnight...when i can come back to my little cot...in my little tent...in my little corner of the world...the whole time...trying oh so desperately not to fart...

my youngest soldier...the heat baby...just came down with some viral strain of the iraqi flu of death...103 temperature...explosive diarrhea and uncontrolled vomiting...poor guy...i know just how he feels...
we admitted him into the t.m.c. (troop medical center)...they're gonna keep him over night to monitor his condition...i went to see him when i came on shift...he had just finished his 6th i.v. bag...i went back to the tents and got his p.t.'s so he could at least have some modicum of comfort...i doubt he'll even put them on...he looked like he wouldn't be getting out of bed anytime soon...

i know i'm going to pick this thing up...we work to closely...the phone...the computer...the recycled air inside the van...i really don't need that...

i got deathly ill in afghanistan too...when that flu was flying around that the brits brought with them...they tried to quarantine it...but it was futile...i got sent up to bagram on a supply run right at it's apex of destruction...2 weeks later...i couldn't even focus my eye balls...i never get sick but when i do...it's balls to the wall...no contest...i'm like a whimpering puppy...i was actually delirious for a while...

we had no a/c down there and my temp was up around 103 too...i heard 104 and your brain starts to melt...there was no escaping it...we had these things called swamp coolers...there are kind of like a/c's but not as good...they work off of water instead of freon...if you were inside the tent you couldn't really tell that it was on until the generator died and it turned off...instant misery...i remember waking up out of my stupor and sweating from every inch of my body...

i doused my towel in water in an attempt to beat the heat...but the towel would just heat up to the temperature of the tent...and it soon felt like bath water...i would get up and sit outside...the full body ache...dizziness...nausea that never amounted to anything...i had nothing in my stomach to puke up...

the port a johns were the worst victims...the poor poor port a johns...some people were so sick that they would race to the toilet but they wouldn't quite make it...and they would miss...all over the back of the wall...or on the side...and the toilets seats were past any point of wiping off...the best you could do was lay baby wipes all over and pretend that you weren't really there...in a port a john...in afghanistan...sick to the brink of dementia...

i actually made it out of that flu season pretty well...some guys actually caught it more then once...they got so sick that they couldn't even get up and go to the port a john...they would just lay there in their cot...we would give up the inner liners of our sleeping bags because they would keep defecating in theirs...

i wonder if it has something to do with viruses from other parts of the world...like the colonist killing off the Indians type a deal...just imagine the worst sickness you have ever felt...now imagine not having any of the amenities of home that helped you in any way...toilets...a bed...a/c...cold water...a shower...someone there who loves you and wants to take care of you...

man i don't want to get sick...

my woman's birthday was on the 24th...i'm horrible with dates and statistics and numbers...so i of course could not remember her birthday for the longest time...it made me feel horrible...i knew the general month of it...but i couldn't put a date to it...now this created a problem...especially since we were together for quite a long time...so it was past the point of asking...because that would just create more problems...and even though i am sure she would tell me that it was alright...she would be hurt inside...so i had to turn secret squirrel on her...and find out the old fashioned way...by sneaking a peak at her drivers license...the sad thing is that i actually had to sneak a look more then once...because i am that bad with dates...so every time we would go onto post...i would have to show the m.p. at the gate my military i.d. and i would have to hand over my girlfriends drivers license as well...ahh...the prime opportunity...yep there it is...july 24th...to easy...until a week later...when i totally forgot it...i had to eventually make up a little hint to remind myself...july is the 7th month...and her birthday is the 24...to easy...7 days in a week...24 hours in a day...put to memory...impossible to forget...

lucky for me our anniversary falls on memorial day weekend...or else i would be screwed...because i am that bad with dates...

she told me not to buy her anything this year...but i'm a gift giver...so that was out of the question...i scanned the internet from my little van in baghdad for hours...trying to find something...anything...but here i've sat for months...and i realized that i have been away from her for so long...that i have no idea what she needs...or yearns for...or has her eye on...that hurt...i'm so locked away that i'm losing touch...but it is not on purpose...and good for me that i at least know my girlfriend good enough that i can look at something...and know immediately that it is a 'girlfriend present'...just like i can hear a song on the radio...and even though i don't like it...and even though i have no idea if she has heard it...i will know that it is the type of song that she would like...i had her send me burned c.d.'s of her music just because it made me happy to hear hers and know that it was what made her happy in her car...or our apartment...so i can tell...

after a few more weeks i was still at a loss...indecision is the catalyst of defeat...i had to figure something out...then there it was...the beacon shinning bright...the screen lit up...and a ray of heavenly light shined down upon the computer...choruses of angels sang...and my laptop floated up off of the little collapsible desk inside my van..."the discovery channel store"...amen...

it may sound silly...but she loves the discovery channel...and their store is just as good...they sell cool stuff like aroma therapy mittens...and telescopes with a diameter of 3 feet...i looked for a quite a while and i found what i thought were the perfect gifts for her...

her hands and feet are perpetually cold in the winter...so she does get the aroma therapy mittens and booties...because you've got to have the complete set...and what plant loving girlfriend would not be complete without her very own topiary kit and bathroom mulch creator (i.e. that dried flower crap [i.e.e. potpourri])...

i of course promptly screwed it up and double ordered...and i sent it to our apartment...not thinking that she would be in california..."infernal california (shaking own fist in the air)"...so she would have to wait until she got home...i called her the first morning she was home and i woke her up...i made her get up immediately and go down to the office and get the FOUR boxes (because i did double order)...i waited for 20 minutes and then i called her back...because i at least want to talk to her while she opens them...it's almost like being there in the same room...except totally different...

then the guessing game...which boxes..."what’s the tracking number"..."i don't have a tracking number...i only have an order number"..."well can you email the store and ask them for it"..."can you just open the damn packages"...she did not want to have to pay to mail the wrong order back...so she did not want to open the wrong one...so we guessed...i say we because even though i am in baghdad i did get a say in which one she should open in the states..."i think you should open the 7 pound one"..."opp!! its the right one"...gravy...

and to make a long story short she loved them...and she let me know repeatedly just how wonderful i am...and i of course let her shower me with compliments...i'm very generous like that...you know...good manners and all...it's just that this is the second birthday in a row...the second anniversary...the second valentines day...the second july 4th...i can't forget that this is the second time all over again...that i am not there with her...i feel so bad...

everything here is by a wall...i'm encircled by them...the danger is on all sides...there is no escaping it...we try to keep things spread out a little bit out of safety...you don't want to put all your eggs in one fish barrel...so please...no one write centcom and tell them i am immanent danger at my shower point...it won't help my situation...and luckily they have started to install commercial shower trailers...they should be up and running by the end of the week...big white ones...with 6 humongous black water pods to fuel them...and they've even got a/c's...now we're big pimpin'...they are even right across the street from my tent...now if they can only get the commercial toilets in here...it will be like momma's house...except with horrible food...and iraqis who want to behead me...and not to mention the breadbox size rats...but all in all...it's exactly like momma's...

i've been instructed to start putting together a plan for my departure...a system that my soldiers can use to properly execute the mission after i'm gone...i'm really at a loss...all i can do is train them...i can do nothing about the amount of soldiers who will be present to run the equipment...i am strongly thinking about instituting the assistance a small band of helper monkeys...medium sized ones with good attitudes...preferably a long tailed marmoset of some sort...heck...i'd even settle for a hard working baboon who isn't afraid to sweat a little...i'll draw up the memorandum...put my john hancock on it...and i'll send it up the chain...we'll see what happens...i'll keep you posted...

i took some girlfriend pictures today...for her eyes only type stuff...nothing to raunchy...but just enough to get her heart rate up into the cardio range..."easy girl"...i can't believe i've had that stupid horrible awful camera this whole time and i didn't even think about taking some 'special' pictures...they were just a bunch of the usual type stuff...i'm sure you've all seen their type before...you know me humping my equipment...me in the heisman trophy stance holding a water bottle...me scanning the horizon a top my generator like super man...you know the usual...i hope she digs them...it's so strange for me to think back and realize that i haven't seen her in 6 months...and she has not seen me either...i see myself every day...and well just between you and me...she ain't missing much...well except for my debonair good looks...my sparkling wit...and of course my vivacious personality...but other then that...not much...

they are setting up a v.t.c. (video teleconferencing) for us troops...to keep our moral up and all...i haven't told her yet...i think she will really love it right up until about 15 seconds before our 10 minute time limit is up...but it will be enough to hold her over for at least another month or so...it'll have to be...

the iraqis are starting to use mortar rounds...that's not good...today...at my shower point...one went off...it was some distance away...but just the thought of a mortar freaks the hell out of me...the mortar can travel pretty damn far...and i'm not even sure what the radius is on something like that...the iraqis are going to try everything they can...they aren't pulling any punches...the only thing we've got going for us is that the iraqis are very ill trained...they shoot from hip...so to speak...but you can't stop a suicide bomber...and they get to me more then anything else...how do you compete with that...how do you combat it...

i started taking my weapon with me to our outside shower point...almost daily there is some commotion...just on the other side of the wall...it's just to close for me...as if it could really be far enough away...some people can just laugh that stuff off...i think it's a front...i never laugh...it's way to serious...

i wish i knew how some of these guys can just shrug this stuff off...they appear to not let it bother them...maybe i know just how real this situation is...and they still think that "it could never happen to me"...iraqis pull up out side our wall and start firing at us...and they aren't that far away...closer then i would like them to be...

so what can i do...i just try not to think about it...and go on about my day...my lazy...boring ass day...i'm trying to augment my time a little bit more creatively...put some kind of order back into it...it's a process...this place and the feelings i have come in waves...if 3 or 4 things hit me at the same time...it becomes a bit much...piled on top of everything else...and i try to deal with it...the dali lama doesn't let life get him down...i've read some of his books...and he makes it sound so easy...but nothing is ever as easy as it sounds...i can see when things start to effect my attitude...it's just figuring out how to draw that line...i write as a way to deal with it...and just because i feel a certain way today doesn't mean i will feel exactly like that tomorrow...everyday is new...but not always different...

the feeling of having no control over your life is the hardest to deal with...it makes you feel helpless...and tied down...and this is something you don't realize when your 18...i didn't yet know what having control over my life actually meant...i was still my mothers child...now i'm my own man...what a difference a day makes...

i've thought about writing some kind of "a day in life" type deal...but there is nothing to it...there is no substance...most would be amazed at what our days mostly consist of...there is way to much down time...and when you're not staying busy...you just start thinking to much...you start hoping to much...just about everyone i know goes through it at one time or another...and it begins to detract from your daily life...

some troops are made for this stuff...they love it...they are born military...and they will probably die military...it becomes part of who they are...even after they retire...i'm not quite at that point...but this is still my lifestyle...i choose this...and i’ve got to deal with it...