Before Leanne Faulkner walked into her office each morning, she sat in the car to reapply the makeup that had smeared from crying.
It was March in 2011 and the mum of two sons and three step children was sliding and did not know how to stop.
![Leanne Faulkner is speaking about the silent issues facing small business owners.](http://web.archive.org./web/20171005215020im_/https://www.fairfaxstatic.com.au/content/dam/images/g/y/t/b/u/a/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gytbpd.png/1507128640462.jpg)
Faulkner was at the helm of Billie Goat Soap, a successful start-up she'd launched in 2004 using the milk from her own goats. She'd won several business awards, featured as an up-and-coming entrepreneur in media profiles and built a business that turned over $2.4 million annually at its peak.
But sales slowed after the global financial crisis and suddenly they were struggling to break even.
"I felt that if the business was failing then obviously I was a failure," recalls the 51-year-old.
"If we had sales or finance meetings where we were reviewing numbers – if they weren't to my expectations, then I thought there were ramifications around that where I'd have to make heavy decisions around staffing – I would just get up and leave. I couldn't physically stay in the building – it was like a panic attack."
She would lie awake at night, her mind looping over cash flow and how to pay her staff. It wasn't just the impact of the GFC though.
A slave to expectations
There was a mismatch in what she was experiencing and her expectations of herself and how the life of an entrepreneur was meant to be.
The dream of working for yourself, flexible hours and living the high life was at odds with the 60-70 hours a week she was spending working, the grind of staying afloat and the long periods of time away from her family. What she associated with the entrepreneur life – success, flexibility, strength – were replaced with a sense of defeat.
"I was becoming more of a slave to growing a small business," says Faulkner, who has two degrees and a background in corporate consultancy.
Eventually, she couldn't will herself to put on a brave face and stopped going into the office altogether.
"A bad day became a bad week became a bad month and the bad month became chronic," she says. "At the worst I ever felt, I had some very, very dark thoughts and I just really wanted to hang in there for my family and I was starting to get quite scared."
She made the decision to seek help after not gelling with the first two therapists ("It's OK to say, this connection is not there, I need to find someone else"), she found one who she felt understood her and could help.
"I was diagnosed with situational depression triggered from my work conditions," Faulkner explains. "It took me a bit of time to get up the courage to go and talk with someone. In my head it was, 'if I actually go and do that then I'm really admitting that I can't cope'."
After three months away from the office, Faulkner returned to work before making the decision to sell the business in early 2012.
The untold stories
Faulkner teaches a small business development course at the University of Newcastle. Earlier this year, she asked her students to list as many entrepreneurs they could think of.
Elon Musk and Shark Tank entrepreneurs were common on the lists along with six or seven local high profile small business owners.
"There's about 2.2 million small business owners in Australia – we're missing 2.19 million other small business people and that kind of highlights the problem – we don't always get a clear truth about the realities," Faulkner says. "I think that can compound a mental health issue in small business."
In Australia, small businesses account for nearly 98 per cent of all companies.
We don't tend to hear the stories about the 80 per cent that fail within the first 18 months nor about the unique set of pressures that small business owners face, the lack of support or the mental health problems that over one third of people are reluctant to reveal.
Research is in progress to understand prevalence and the specific mental health issues facing small business owners in Australia, but "the majority of current workplace mental health programs" are not designed or suitable for small business.
"One of the symptoms of depression was insomnia and I certainly had that. I would sit at my computer late at night and put in 'entrepreneur and depression, small business and anxiety' and see what resources were out there," says Faulkner. "There was not really anything for small businesses."
Breakthrough
Faulkner now works as a mental health advocate for small business owners. Many small business owners tell her they can't tell their staff what's going on, that they don't want them to worry them and that they feel they have to appear invincible all the time.
"I think it's a major issue – we just don't talk about it enough," says Faulkner, who "invests" in her mental health by exercising five days a week, practicing self-compassion and seeing a professional when she feels she is not treating herself well mentally.
"When things were tough at Billie Goat, it just increased the feeling of not being good enough and not being worthy in myself," she says. "Nowadays, I still get stressed and anxious at times, but I understand I have to come first in that process. In the past, when things were hectic at work, I didn't have time to exercise, work was always more important ... I'm much more selective with what I do and don't do these days."
She believes she is living proof that the tough times are survivable and says "it's absolutely normal" for small business owners to go through times of feeling overwhelmed and disillusioned by the reality.
"If at the time the pressure does get too much and you feel like disconnecting from everyone and everything, that is the time you really do need to connect and it pays to seek out some professional help because sometimes that level of objectivity is the best thing you can do – that is the time you need to invest in yourself," she says.
It is a level of objectivity that has served her well in the long-run.
"I said to my husband about a year after it all happened, 'Gee I think I had a breakdown' and he said 'No, I think you had a breakthrough'."
To celebrate Mental Health Week, Leanne Faulkner along with Libby Trickett, Fablice Manirakiza and Daryl Elliott Green are speaking at a free event by the Australian Psychological Society in Federation Square, Melbourne on Sunday, October 8. Click here for more information.
To find out more about mental health in small business, go to Headsup.org.au
2 comments
New User? Sign up