WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time for people to pick up their phones and let themselves be heard, liberal activist Adam Kramer encouraged citizens Friday to call their late-night hosts and urge them to oppose the new GOP tax plan.