Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Good Sports

You’ll never guess who picked another needless, pointless, irritating, childish, and ultimately losing fight on Twitter this weekend, Enthusiasts. C’mon, guess.

Thaaaaat’s right: the ghost of Benazir Bhutto. The late Prime Minister of Pakistan, who somehow is tweeting, came for Chrissy Teigen. And, as you know well, you simply do not come for Chrissy Teigen on social media.

Stop this.

Chrissy’s epic clapback against the assassinated leader is already a Twitter Moment and the source of several rather dank memes.

I told you to knock it off. Tell the nice people what’s happening in the world. 

The hand of fate is afoot.

My God.

You’re right to supplicate. None of us might get out of this one alive.

North Korea?

Worse.

Radical Islamic Terrorism?

Worse.

What’s worse than RIT?

Oh, let’s not call it that.

Tell me!

Donald Trump picked a fight with sports.

Which one?

No. Donald Trump picked a fight with sports. All of them. Which is impressive; very few presidents have managed to get into imbroglios with concepts before, but Donny’s a trailblazer. Bad Grandpa’s favorite teevee show of all time, Fox & Friends, ran a segment on football players kneeling during the National Anthem, so at his speech in Alabama a few hours later, Donny demanded that NFL owners fire any son of a bitch that knelt. The crowd cheered the loudest it had all evening, and so therefore he said it again the next morning during one of his pre-dawn raids on our collective sanity. Diaper Face also found time to disinvite Stephon Curry from coming to the White House.

This was all before his Cookie Crisp. (Donald Trump eats Cookie Crisp.)

An interlude 

White House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly has a new evening routine: He periodically strolls the perimeter of the White House grounds late at night, inspecting the compound and chatting with Secret Service agents to see if they have what they need. – Washington Post, 9/22/17

You wind up pitying them. I do, at least. They’re enabling a monster, and then they go and do something vaguely human and you cant help but empathize. I bet Kelly starts looking forward to that walk by lunch. Planning stuff to talk about with the Secret Service agents. Maybe buying them stuff. I bet the Secret Service treats him like the overnight desk clerk treats the guest who can’t sleep and wandered down into the lobby to chat.

End of interlude

The leaky boat full of ebola-covered hyenas that is now our executive has double-downed several times since his initial statement; were he playing blackjack, the rules would have forced him to stop doubling-down three or four double-downs ago, but we all know casino rules aren’t really Donny’s thing. By about noon, he had talked himself into attacking the NFL, forcing some of the owners–whom I assure you are all more terrible human beings than you can imagine–to denounce his statements. Essentially, the president dared the NFL to tell him to go fuck himself.

Other sporting concerns stepped into the fray, too. How did they respond?

Basketball

The NBA is not in season, but most players and some coaches have already expressed displeasure at the president’s remarks; Skip Bayless has already called the players lazy thugs.

Hockey

No one cares.

Baseball

One guy knelt, and another guy spit tobacco juice, and everyone showed some good hustle.

Rugby

To show their outrage at Trump’s statements, rugby players drank heavily while wearing attractive shirts.

Nascar

Nascar thought Trump didn’t go far enough, and would like the entire NFL arrested except for most of the quarterbacks, a few tight ends, and all of the kickers.

Badminton

No official response.

Turkeyfucking

Not an actual sport.

Golf

Men are with the shitstreak. Ladies’ tour? Not as much.

Professional surfing.

Gnar, braj.

Don’t Bop

Hey, Mister–

“Shut the fuck up. Listen.”

What am I listening to?

“A bass player about to be fired.”

Which one this time?

“Dave Holland. Had to fire his limey ass. Played the notes wrong.”

Dave Holland was playing wrong notes?

“I didn’t say that, you simple motherfucker. He played the right notes, but he played ’em wrong.”

You have a unique way of leading a band.

“I tried to tell him. I said, ‘Dave, play like a cowboy in the supermarket.’ And he couldn’t. He’d play one thing, and it’d be a cowboy but not in the supermarket. Maybe in the post office or something. Played another, and now he’s in the supermarket, but he sure ain’t no fucking cowboy. Boy just couldn’t understand basic fucking instructions”

Okay.

“Besides, I couldn’t stand that accent. Sounded like a queer. Wife sounded like a queer, too.”

I’m just gonna say “okay” again because I have no response to that.

“When I was doing Bitches Brew, John McLaughlin made the date. Came in here with his guitar. Motherfucker could play, man. So I told him, ‘John, play like a genius just punched you in the eye,’ and I punched him in the eye. That track became Miles Runs The Voodoo Down. That was a man who could take direction.”

You did like hitting people.

“Motherfuckers became punched. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Miles, what do you want on your tofu dog?”

“Don’t bring that white bullshit near me. Put your tofu up your ass.”

“They’re delicious, Miles. And good for the earth!”

“Fuck the earth, fuck you, and fuck tofu. Don’t I know you?”

“We shared a bill three years ago, when I was 29.”

“Been a rough three years, motherfucker.”

“Three years your time. Like, forever ago in the reality of my photograph.”

“This all some white people bullshit I’ve gotten involved with.”

“Oh, yeah. White as hell and bullshit as all get out.”

“Don’t make no fucking sense whatsoever.”

“Nope. You want ketchup on your tofu dog?”

BANG!

“You shot the tofu!”

“Probably tastes better now, motherfucker.”

Fit To Print In Little Aleppo

The Town Fathers had two choices: meeting or riot. They voted 3-2 for the meeting. (Regarding the two ‘no’ votes: Annetta Housell voted no on everything out of principle, and Big Bobby Barr just liked riots.) Not that the meeting would preclude a riot; in fact, they usually preceded them. Other times, the meeting and the riot would run concurrently. Once, during the debate about whether to build a minor-league baseball field, the neighborhood tried having the riot first, and then the meeting, but that didn’t work at all; people were too keyed up to discuss municipal debt after all the hitting and kicking and looting and whatnot. Also, the building the meeting was to have taken place in was on fire. Meeting first, then the riot.

It was the cops’ fault, Flower Childs thought. She had taken the note the arsonist had left for her at the firehouse after the Wayside Inn fire to the police station.

“Can I help you?”

“Here to see the Chief.”

There are many places in America where the cops and the firemen get along, and Little Aleppo isn’t one of them. The firemen hate the cops because they think the cops are lazy, corrupt, semi-literate fleabags who bother people for a living; the cops hate the firemen because cops hate everyone who isn’t a cop. And there was jealousy, too. The Little Aleppo Fire Department was beloved; the Little Aleppo Police Department was tolerated, at best. Best thing a cop could do for you, locals figured, was not be around, but when life got truly fucked up, then you prayed for a fireman to kick in the door. They both got free meals at the Victory Diner, but the cops got them as sub rosa bribes and the firemen got them out of love. And the cops knew it, too: they were lazy, corrupt, and semi-literate, but they weren’t dumb.

“And you are?”

So the cops fucked with the firemen.

“You know who I am, Honey.”

“Sergeant Honey.”

He was a snowman with a badge, spheres plopped atop each other, and topped off with a thick shock of white hair. One of the ongoing debates in the LAPD (No Not That One’s) locker room was whether Sergeant Honey’s finger would even fit in the trigger of his gun; if not, how long had it been since it could? They did not have this debate in front of Honey, as he was the Desk Officer. Anyone could walk in the front door, but to get back to the offices required being buzzed in through the heavy steel door to the right of Honey’s desk. And if you pissed him off, he wouldn’t let you in. Several officers had been barred entrance to the station until they gave up and got different jobs.

“I need ID.”

“You need ID?”

“Got a driver’s license?”

“Sure, right here,” Flower said.

She reached into her pocket and came up with her middle finger.

“That’s cute.”

“My picture? You think it’s cute?”

She pointed at her middle finger, which was still extended.

“This picture right here on my driver’s license?”

She pointed again.

The desk was up high like in the movies, because Sergeant Honey had seen it in movies and thought it looked cool, so he didn’t let some rookies into the building until they built one for him. The walls were the shade of green that promises nothing good, and there was no carpet. Photos of cops killed in the line of duty. Flag. Security camera. There was a speaker embedded in the drop ceiling. It crackled.

“Let her in, Honey.”

He looked into the camera and said,

“She hasn’t properly identified herself, Chief.”

“Let her in, Honey!”

Sergeant Honey reached under his desk and thumbed the button for the door BBBBBZZZZ and said,

“Bitch.”

“Fuck yourself, you heart attack with ears.”

Flower Childs was almost disappointed when she got called bitch. Not in men’s character, but in their creativity. Bitch bitch, cunt cunt. Men repeated themselves constantly. Come up with something new, put a little effort into it. Get personal, for fuck’s sake. She had long ago stopped being offended by men, and was now just bored with them. Short-sleeved white work shirt with all the fireman bullshit on it. Blue pants, black boots. Shoulder bag. She strode through the bullpen of cop desks. The holding cell was in the back of the room. One of the Browley twins, Brenda, was in it. The other, Bunny, was locked in the bathroom. The LAPD (No, Not That One) had learned their lesson over the years: no matter how well the Browley twins were getting along when they were brought in, they weren’t to share a cell.

“Some of the Whites are black.”

“They’re not Whites. Whites are white.”

“What are they?” Cannot Swim asked.

“It’s a whole long story.”

“Can you talk to them?”

“Sure.”

“But you are Talks To Whites.”

“I told you. It’s a whole thing. They speak the White language.”

Cannot Swim and Talks To Whites led their horse Easy Life into C—–a City. It was early in the morning, and they had snuck onto the trail into town a few miles back. There was a pine-covered ridge that crested and there it was. Wagon wheels had cut furrows a foot deep towards it. There was gold in the rivers and laced into the woods, and Whites had come to seek their fortunes, and other Whites had come to steal it from them. Tent camp with stinking men jumbled on top of each other, barely out of the elements, and taverns with women in them. One road made of equal parts dirt and horseshit that turned to slurry when it rained.

And people everywhere. Cannot Swim had never seen so many people, and so many hats. He had seen the way the Whites dressed, but there were so many of them. He was surrounded by boots and pants and what in the name of the Turtle Who Was And Will Be Once More was that stink? Like fanged shit. Was that them? How could a human being reek like that? The Whites had little noses, but were they incapable of smelling themselves?

“Stop making that face.”

“I cannot help it, cousin. Do the Whites wash their asses? It smells like no one here has ever washed his ass. Ever.”

“They are irregular bathers.”

“It’s like my nose hairs are on fire. The horse smells better.”

“PBBBBBBHHH.”

Talks To Whites had Easy LIfe’s lead in his hand. He tugged it and said to the horse,

“Don’t encourage him.”

Two Chinese men passed the cousins in the street. They were wearing dark-colored changshan and their long black hair was in braids. They looked more like the Pulaski than anyone else Cannot Swim had seen.

“Are they Indians?”

“Chinese.”

“Is that a tribe?”

“Big one. But they’re not Indians.”

“They’re not wearing pants. They have hair like ours.”

“They’re not Indians. Trust me.”

“But they are not Whites.”

“Nope.”

“Can you talk to them?”

“Nope.”

Hank Paraffin was the best Police Chief Little Aleppo ever had. He was corrupt and lazy and semi-literate just like all the past chiefs, but he looked good, Little Aleppians figured. Some of the Chiefs had been downright homely: Chief Farthing was almost fictional in his ugliness–he looked like a pumpkin with an underbite–and Chief Andros had a face only his mother could love, and that’s only because she was dead when he was Chief; when she was alive, she thought he was an ugly little fuck. The cops were there to fuck you, the neighborhood thought. They might as well be fuckable.

Hank Paraffin was a handsome bastard, and all the pictures on the wall of his office confirmed it. There he was with the governor. President, even. He had two shots of himself with Supreme Court Justices, and several with towering basketball players and football players the size of military vehicles. Hank Paraffin’s mustache had never had food in it, not one crumb, and his thick hair was not going gray, but stainless-steel. He had a chin you could believe in and an open-mouthed smile that he would produce on demand, or on request, or whenever. Hank liked to be handsome around people, and people enjoyed it when he was handsome around them.

And, O, his uniform. Tailored and tuned like a Formula One car: high in the armpits and darted in at the waist and double-vented–he was tall and broad-shouldered, so the double-vent was the correct decision–and four buttons down the single breast instead of the traditional five. White shirt with a spread collar and a black tie with a Pratt knot, which is thicker at the bottom than a Windsor. His sleeves had gold braids embroidered in rings ’round his arms; he had started with two down by the cuff, then added a third, and then a fourth and now he had eleven stretching all the way up past his elbow.

One of the awards on the wall was for posture.

“Chief!” he called through his open door.

“Captain,” she said and braced herself for…

“Gimme a hug.”

Hank was a hugger.

“Chief, I’m really not–”

“Get in here,” he said with his arms out like cheerful Jesus. Flower chose the path of least resistance and most physical contact; he wrapped her up tight and warm while she taptaptapped on his back with her fingertips.

“Okee doke,” she said.

Hank released her, took a step back, great big smile.

“Have you been working out?”

“Chief Paraffin, I’m here on official business.”

“Me, too. This is my office.”

Flower Childs wanted to go back to the firehouse, where she was in charge and there weren’t any armed dopes grinning at her. There was leftover spaghetti, too. She’d take any one of the three right now. Or a drink. Or running headfirst into a plate-glass window. She was also used to being taller than the person she was talking to, and Hank’s height was pissing her off.

“Chief, this was left on the door to the firehouse after the Wayside fire that took the life of Manfred Pierce.”

“Shame about that.”

She tried to read his face for the insult, but there was just a vacant grin. He wasn’t being cruel to her; he was just cruel.

“Here,” she said and handed him the note from out of her shoulder bag. It was in a family-sized plastic ziploc. Hank took it and said,

“Good work, Chief. Might be fingerprints. See that on teevee?”

He slipped his reading glasses out of his breast pocket, scanned the letter.

“Who’s the J of I?”

“No idea.”

“‘I told you this one would hurt,'” he read. “What does that mean? What does ‘I told you’ mean?”

This was the part Flower Childs was not looking forward to. She reached into her shoulder bag and produced two other notes, also in ziploc bags. Chief Paraffin never stopped smiling.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Cannot Swim stood before the printer’s shop, staring in the window. First, he stared at the window–the Pulaski did not have glass–and then inside where a thin man arranged blocks on a tray and fed them into a stamping press. He tried to make sense of what his eyes were shouting at him, but he could not even guess at the purpose of the machine. He could smell the grease over the stink of the Whites, it was a high-pitched smell, and Cannot Swim felt his balls tighten and his cock wither. There was no purpose he could see. The moccasin, the kotcha, the hearth, even the rifles Talks To Whites brought back for the Pulaski to hunt with: these were obvious objects; their intent was blatant. But this? The man strained against a wheel, horizontal, and there was another scent, fruity and full, and the man noticed Cannot Swim watching and nodded his head, and Cannot Swim did not know to nod back, so he didn’t and then his cousin pulled at him by the elbow.

“You were supposed to come in the store with me.”

“What is this?”

“Please don’t wander off. If you wander off, you’re gonna get killed. Or get me killed. Whichever.”

“Tell me what this is.”

“It’s a <printing press>,” Talks To Whites said, the last two words in English.

“What?”

“I can’t translate it. This is where they print the…uh…ah…<newspaper>.”

Two Blacks in overalls passed by on the wooden sidewalk. A White man with a reverend’s collar, drunk; a White woman with a clean face and a petticoat, high. Talks To Whites took his cousin by the shoulder and moved him as close to the building as they could get.

“Why do you keep saying words in the White language to me?”

“Because there’s just no translation for <newspaper,> dude. We don’t have <news> and we don’t have <paper>.”

“You’re so unhelpful.”

“They write their words down. They draw their language. Little drawings for each word and some Whites paint them on something called <paper> and the other Whites look at the drawings and understand the words.”

Cannot Swim chewed his peregrine leaf and thought this over.

“Why?”

“Got me.”

“How do you say it? <Newspaper>?”

“Close enough,” Talks To Whites said. “C’mon.”

A Chinese man humped a burlap sack past them. Wagons chained to horses much more impressive than Easy Life rumbled past, laden with trunks and bearded Whites holding rifles. There were dogs in the street, scrawnier and dirtier than the dogs the Pulaski kept. It had not rained in weeks and the dust was mostly shit. Talks To Whites pulled his cousin into Watts’ Dry Goods.

The Cenotaph. The fucking Cenotaph. Good for training puppies, Flower Childs thought. Movie listings. Sometimes, there were coupons for free egg rolls at Yung Man’s. Other than that? Fuck the Cenotaph right in its rowdy asshole. How dare they. How dare he, she corrected herself. Iffy Bould, that corpse with a nicotine habit, he was the one who wrote this horseshit. Utter horseshit. Didn’t matter that it was true: horseshit.

Chief Paraffin had called Iffy seconds after Flower Childs had left his office; he started dialing while she was walking out, only to be interrupted by Officer Zander with the news that Bunny Browley had escaped from the bathroom via the window and that she had taken the toilet with her.

“Well, go find her.”

“Right, chief,” said Officer Zander.

Then he re-dialed the Cenotaph. That motherfucker.

FIRE FREAK! AUTHORITIES AFFIRM ARSONIST! in 72-point type, and under that was the story of the notes left at the fire station, and the story of how Chief Childs had not brought those notes to the police until someone died–a hero, a trailblazer, a Town Father–and the story of the police working the case as diligently as possible. Chief Paraffin had covered his ass handsomely.

Flower Childs was at the station before dawn. She snuck out of the bedroom without waking Lower Montana, grabbing her clothes and dressing in the living room. She carried her boots outside onto the porch; when she closed the front door behind her, she held the knob open and released it gently. Then, the key. She took the three steps down to the path in one step.

Past the station on her right. She was walking west and so saw just blackness in the sky in front of her, but there was purpling in her peripheral vision. Right onto the Main Drag and then she walked north. Joggers passed her, and drunks, and men in ties who had oddly-timed jobs. Waitresses in their sneakers. The Tahitian was ahead, and she turned right onto Gower Avenue. Omar was not yet at the Broadside Newsstand, but the morning papers were; Flower pulled a flick-knife from her pocket and cut the twine on one of the packages. Took the top copy, left a buck for Omar on the register. Read the headline as she walked away.

Motherfucker.

The bar at the Morning Tavern was wallpapered with the paper, and every booth in the Victory Diner had a copy. The stevedores and fishmongers from the Salt Wharf washing down breakfast burritos with bottles of Arrow beer in Anatoly’s American were reading passages to one another. The Paperboy Brigade lit out as the sun rose, and the Cenotaph plopped onto doormats and stoops. The vending machines on the Main Drag were filled, and then immediately emptied for the price of one paper and resold at a discount. The news swept through the neighborhood just like the fires that the news was about.

Fires were one thing. Little Aleppo had always burned, and would again. Locals knew that. You had your plans, and the Lord had His chemical reactions; sometimes they quarreled. Locals knew that. But a firebug was something different. Something intercontextual, and no one had the words to translate it, so everyone was scared, but fear is supposed to be fleeting and when it sits too long on your shoulders it turns to anger. The fire had come for the Jews and the gays and the intellectuals, and locals knew their poetry. They knew the next line, and so they knew what would happen when the fire came for them, and so they were scared and angry. The Main Drag was snarling and hunched and distrustful and more heavily-armed than usual, and the options were meeting or riot, so the Town Fathers voted (3-2) for a meeting, which would be held at The Tahitian tonight in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Anthem (Not Of The Sun)

The Star-Spangled Banner was not America’s first National Anthem. That honor goes to Eye Of The Tiger, which–and you might not know this–was written in 1771 by Ben Franklin. (That guy really was good at everything.) In March of 1782, the Anthem switched over to a tune called Flagons Of Port And Fuck You, which contained the immortal lines:

Don’t be fancy
Blow me, Nancy
Ride in freedom’s toboggan. 

It was quickly abandoned due to making no sense even for the 18th century.

In 1814, the War of 1812 was going on; 1813 felt very left out. The British Navy was shelling Fort McHenry on their way to take the city of Baltimore. A lawyer named Francis Scott Key witnessed the artillery barrage and did what anyone would do in the middle of a firefight: he wrote a poem about a flag. And not just any flag – a remarkably persistent one. In a way, Francis Scott Key stole the theme of his poem from The Cat Came Back. In another way, he didn’t.

Key’s poem was entitled “The Star-Spangled Banner;” it had four verses originally, because no one in the 19th century could write with any brevity, and they’re all terrible. Look at this bullshit:

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country, should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave,
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

A national anthem can’t have the word “hireling” in it. That’s a rule; it’s in the Bible. Ezekiel, or maybe Judges. Also: vauntingly? Kiss my balls, Francis Scott Key. Get that weak shit out of here.

After a few years, the poem got married to a melody from an English drinking song, at which point it became a perfectly American artifact: stolen, and about blowing shit up.  In 1899, the Navy started playing the ditty at official gatherings, followed by other agencies and then President Wilson had the band play it while he purged all the blacks out of the civil service, and finally in 1931–having no other pressing matters to attend to–Congress passed a bill naming The Star-Spangled Banner the official anthem, and Hoover signed it into law.

Since then, the song has been performed well maybe a dozen times. Whitney Houston did a good job, and so did Marvin Gaye; other than that, it’s dire. The melody stretches over an octave-and-a-half and everyone begins at too high a pitch, so they’re screeching by the end. PLUS the lyrics are written in backwards-talking poet-ese (looking at you, “o’er”) AND it’s too damn long even if you speed through it, let alone the high-stake melismatics that the pop stars feel the need to throw in there that elongates the tune to a length that might only be described as Dark Staresque ALSO it’s just all about war, maaaaaaan.

We’ve got better songs to be the anthem:

  • America the Beautiful.
  • My Country, Tis of Thee.
  • Livin’ in America. (Tough because of the lyrics. I know there’s a line about superhighways going coast-to-coast, but other than that it’s just James Brown making James Brown noises.)
  • Monster Mash. (Follow my logic: What says America? Halloween. What says Halloween? America. Also–and I feel like people forget this all the time–that tune was a graveyard smash. Despacito is a big hit, but is it a graveyard smash? No. Therefore, Monster Mash should be the National Anthem. Ipso facto and QED.
  • Whatever that Serge Gainsbourg number where it sounds like his girlfriend is having an orgasm is called.

Signin’

“What’s your name, boy?”

“My name is Timmy, Mr. Davis.”

“Fuck you, Timmy. I’m gonna make this out to Opie, cause you’re an Opie-looking motherfucker.”

Please be nice to children.

“Fuck children. They don’t buy records and you can’t fuck them. No use at all.”

They’re not supposed to be useful.

“Me and Brando used to hang out.”

You never actually listen to me, do you?

“Knew him for a while. Back when he wasn’t so fucking fat. Always a slob, though. Used to go over his apartment. Pizza boxes and shit all over the place. Be wearing that white tee-shirt from the movies. Think he stole it off the set cause he’s the cheapest motherfucker you ever met. Got his tee-shirt on and no drawers. Dick hanging out. Then he’d start trying to make me eggs. Motherfucker’s cracking eggs and his dick’s flopping into the fucking pan.”

Did you have the eggs?

“I ain’t eating dick eggs, motherfucker.”

Figured.

“Always been very particular about my food. Like it a certain way. Frances knew how to make my food.”

Your first wife.

“Yeah. Cooked real good. Not too heavy on the spices. Gotta have a little bit. Can’t be eating that bland white shit. You know white people just boil a chicken and eat that shit?”

I do, yes.

“Fuck is wrong with you people?”

A lot.

“Gotta have some flavor, but just a bit. Can’t be playing trumpet with a heavy stomach. Burping into your horn and shit. Not right. I fired Steve Grossman for that shit.”

Could Cecily Tyson cook the way you liked?

“She could order the shit I liked from room service. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Davis, may I have your autograph, please?”

“That’s nice. Respectful. What’s your name, white boy?”

“Bobby, sir.”

“You look familiar.”

“Yeah, uh, we shared a bill two years ago when I was 22.”

“What the fuck is happening?”

“Well, it’s sort of a floating timeline around here. Are you, uh, familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?”

BANG!

“Next motherfucker that asks me that stupid bullshit is getting shot!”

Please don’t shoot the children, Mr. Davis.

“I shoot whoever the fuck I want.”

Bobby, just run.

“I want my autograph.”

The Victory Lap Continues

What’s going on here?

“Lock’n?”

I don’t think so.

“Did I win an Emmy? Because if I did, I got a great speech on diversity in my pocket.”

Not the Emmys. Oh, wait, I know what happened. You were named a Goodwill Ambassador to the United Nations. Congratulations.

“Um, thanks. Big honor. Question.”

I don’t know what a Goodwill Ambassador does, Bobby.

“Then I have no questions. Well, no. I have many. Do I get diplomatic immunity?”

Probably not.

“What about other sorts of immunity?”

Like, to diseases?

“Sure.”

No.

“So, I can still get rabies?”

Yes.

“Important piece of information. What about parking?”

You’re not a diplomat, Bobby. You don’t get free parking everywhere.

“Ah.”

Sorry.

“Not really seeing what the benefit of this new gig is.”

It’s an honor. You’re gonna work to end Climate Change.

“Sure, sure, yup. Uh, how?”

Singing cowboy songs at it?

“Oh. Well, then, they picked the right guy. Any pay come with this job?”

No, but you can yoink some merch from the U.N. gift shop.

“Well, that’s pretty sweet.”

“Fuck It, Just Punch The Next Black Guy You See,” Trump Tells Cheering Audience

HUNTSVILLE, AL – President Donald J. Trump, appearing at a rally tonight in support of Senate candidate Luther Strange, capped off his speech by saying, “Enough with the political correctness, right. Right, sure, the worst, right. CNN is turning off their cameras because they want blacks to punch you. Y’know what? Fuck it, just punch the next black guy you see.”

The crowd, estimated at 4,000 by fire marshals and 25,000 by President Trump, applauded rapturously while several camera operators slipped out the door.

“Ever see what a black will do with the flag?” Trump continued. “Wrap it around their chongas. That the way you want the flag to be treated?”

The crowd, now pogoing up in down with cultural anxiety, began howling. “No!” they screamed, and “Never!” and another word that starts with N.

“We let them be quarterbacks and this is how the blacks treat us? We let them be quarterbacks!”

“Damn them!” the crowd shouted. “They’re natural wide receivers!” was a cry heard from several quarters of the audience.

Hearing the applause, Trump slipped into a fugue state and began screaming “DARKIE TIME! GET’EM! GET ‘EM!” at the top of his lungs until a choking fit overcame him and he spit up a demon named A’kiok, who ate Katy Tur.

Interviewed after the speech, Bessie Mae Jessups said, “I liked the stuff about punching black folks, but I do wish he’d tweet a bit less. It isn’t helpful.” At the speech was Jonathan Chait from New York magazine, who said that Trump’s speech was very presidential and then complained about college students for 2,000 words.

Miles, In The Sky

That your car, Mr. Davis?

“No, motherfucker. There just happened to be a fucking Ferrari 275 in the middle of the park. I just found it.”

There’s no need for the sarcasm.

“Stop being so dumb, I’ll stop being so mean.”

Will you really?

“Probably not. I just don’t like you.”

Sure.

“Gotta drive a man’s car. Ferrari’s all right. Used to have a Mercedes. Always like to have a nice car. Gotta keep that shit clean, too. Wash it when it gets any dirt on it. Look fresh. Philly Joe Jones tried eating a slice of pizza in my car, I fired him.”

Seems a bit extreme.

“Nah, you didn’t know Philly. Let that motherfucker eat his pizza in my Mercedes, he’d be having fucking picnics in there a week later. N—-r couldn’t rest until he found the line and stepped over it.”

I guess.

“Did you just censor me, motherfucker?”

Mr. Davis, I’m just not comfortable with that word.

“Why not? White people invented it. Own your shit.”

I’m just not going to let you–

BANG!

–use that word no matter how many times you shoot at me.

“Bitch.”

That’s fine, for some reason.

“You ain’t scared of bitches; you scared of n—-rs.”

STOP THAT, PLEASE.

“Oh, wouldn’t want to make a white man uncomfortable. Worst crime there is.”

“You want me execute him, Obama?”

“This motherfucker again?”

“Who gave the Chinaman a jet plane? They can’t even fucking drive.”

Mr. Davis, I am begging you to dial back your horridness.

“Suck my dick.”

“Suck all dick, loser. Look at doily Kim got for head. Is best doily.”

Why are you here again?

“Never left. Kim always here. Watching. Smoking.”

“I’ll give the fat bastard that. Motherfucker loves his smokes.”

“Obama and Kim smoking buddies. Gave present, carton of Only Korean cigarettes.”

“I threw that shit out. Tasted like a cat’s asshole.”

“Yes. Contain cat.”

“Motherfucker, you let me smoke cat?”

“Father invent cat.”

Mr. Davis, please don’t–

BANG!

–shoot at the crazy person with the nukes.

“It okay. He only hit general. Got more.”

“I was aiming at that motherfucker. Just a warning shot.”

You’re not supposed to kill people with warning shots.

“That how warning shots work in Only Korea.”

“You heard the n—-r.”

I regret all of this.

Trouble In Paradise

“C’mon, Graham Cracker.”

“Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

“Don’t be like this.”

“What? Disloyal? Duplicitous? Snake-like? Oh, wait: that’s you.”

“Lindsey, the bill was shit. You should be embarrassed to have even brought it to the floor.”

“Only thing embarrassin’ around here is you, Mr. Man.”

“Lindsey, don’t.”

“You remember the first time we met?”

“Yes.”

“Where was it?”

“I can’t go through this again.”

“TELL ME WHERE WE MET OR I’LL CLAW AT YOUR EYES!”

“The roller rink.”

“I was wearin’ that new pair of purple jeans I got at the Fashion Farm that made my butt look so good. You were calling your wife a cunt in public. An’ then our eyes met.”

“I know the story Lindsey.”

“I tol’ that ol’ deejay to play some ABBA music. I knew they was your favorite. An’ then it was an All Skate. You remember when they called an All Skate, Big Daddy?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“We had ourselves a shindig, you an’ me. An’ then at th’ end of th’ night, those handsome young men from that coal company gave us checks.”

“They were nice checks.”

“They were. Every check I got with you was a nice check.”

“Dammit, Lindsey, are you holding my hand?”

“Oh, look at that. Appears I am.”

“Knock it off.”

“You remember th’ first time we got all drunk off shandies and voted to repeal Obamacare? Then we went to Ben’s for half-smokes and you whispered racist jokes into my ear all night ’til I choked on my wiener?”

“That was a fun day.”

“Only you can make me choke on a wiener, Johnny Mac.”

“Don’t call me that, either.”

“For ol’ time’s sake, John. If you’re really my friend, you’ll take away America’s insurance.”

“Can’t do it, Linds.”

“Well, fooey on you. Maybe I’ll go and hang out with my other Senator friends.”

“Oh, yeah. Go get dinner with Ted Cruz.”

“I figured out who he looks like.”

“Who?”

“If there was a sleepaway camp for draculas, then he’d be the dracula who showered with his underwear on.”

“Ha!”

“See? There you go, laughing that beautiful laugh of yours. When was the last time you laughed like that?”

“I saw Pelosi fall down the steps the other day.”

“And you didn’t get a picture?”

“It happened so quick.”

“Oh, I wish I could’ve seen that. Was she okay?”

“Yeah. She landed on her face.”

“Bless her heart. I’m still mad at you, John.”

“I’m gonna be dead in a year, Lindsey. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Oh, no.”

“Lindsey, don’t–”

“WAAAAAAAH!”

“Stop fucking crying!”

“I LOVE YOU AND YOU CAN’T NEVER DIE, BIG DADDY!”

“Stop it! Stop it right now! Schumer’s watching!”

“You two boys should get a room.”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH, JEWBOY!”

“Yeah! You tell him, John.”

“Stop crying right now.”

“You just break my heart, John McCain. Into a million little pieces.”

“I’ll break your jaw into a million pieces if you don’t stop fucking crying.”

“DON’T DIE, JOHNNY!”

“Shut up or I’ll call Joe Lieberman.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I’ll go back to him in a heartbeat.”

“You’d never.”

“Gay sidekick, Jew sidekick: what do I care?”

“Fiddlesticks.”

“Sure, fiddlesticks. You gonna stop crying?”

“Only on the outside.”

“All I care about.”

“You two are adorable.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, SCHUMER.”

We’ll Build Ourselves Another Town

It’s a Rodney Crowell song, which I did not know. I thought Hunter wrote it, which is a compliment. The last verse is about the ’06 quake, and so is this account from Jack London.

Viva Mexico.

 

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