HIS KAMPF: TOUCHING BASE WITH MY “INNER HITLER”

From the always entertaining Street Carnage, by the always entertaining Jim Goad.
My father dropped bombs on Germany in World War II, which immediately leads to a pair of conclusions:
1) I’m old as fuck;
2) My family probably did more to defeat Hitler than any of you faceless keyboard gayrods who ever called me a Nazi.
As a lifelong admirer of Judaica and an eternal loner who never joined any social movements, being tagged as a Nazi is both amusing and confounding to me. Winners write the history books and make the historical TV movies, so most Americans’ knowledge of Hitler doesn’t tread too far afield from the word EVIL. Our modern propagandists have snatched Thor’s hammer from the Nazis in order to pound your skull from infancy with the simple idea that Hitler was BAD, and to say anything remotely positive about him is to espouse a heresy akin to renouncing Christ in the Middle Ages. After reading Mein Kampf (My Struggle), I believe Hitler would have admired the simplicity and extent of our collective brainwashing. It’s hard to admit or deny you’re a Nazi when you haven’t even read the fucking User’s Manual, so I decided to go straight to Der Führer’s mouth and see what he had to say. Mein Kampf is around 700 pages in book form, and I read the entire thing on an iPhone, surrounded by blacks on Atlanta public transportation as I headed to work for a Jewish boss. After reading the book, I realize I share the following things in common with Adolf Hitler:
• We both wrote books and received fan mail in prison.
• We’ve both been gassed by hostile enemy powers. (I was tear-gassed in the pen, while Hitler was mustard-gassed on the battlefield in World War I.)
• Our fathers routinely thrashed us and yelled at us for wanting to go into faggy professions. (I wanted to be an actor; Hitler wanted to be a painter.)
• Our mothers both died of boob cancer.
• We’ve both been assaulted on the streets by Marxist gangs.
• We’ve both literally wiped our asses on official documents. (He used a school certificate, while I butt-smeared a book invoice and sent it back to the publisher.)
• We both hate the French.
• When an autopsy is performed on my skull, the world will know that we were both females.
Although Hitler was the 20th Century’s Greatest MC, his prose is disappointingly drab. I was surprised to find very little of what could be classified as seething, throbbing HATE in the book—if you’re craving a tract that just oozes with Jew-hate, you’d be better off reading Protestant kingpin Martin Luther’s On the Jews and Their Lies, written in 1543. Much of Mein Kampf presumes a familiarity with German history that’s far beyond my schoolin’—the Habsburgs did WHAT to the Hohenzollerns and the Jewish press twisted it HOW?—making it difficult for me to grasp certain specific points. But Hitler’s broader points come through loud as thunder. I hereby declare, in front of God, man, and any hate-monitoring organization who cares to add me to their Witches’ List, that I agree with the following points:
• Nature rules man, not the inverse.
• A nation’s intelligentsia is usually so far removed from the jungle, they’ve abandoned their healthiest natural instincts.
• Self-preservation, not compassion, is the noblest of these instincts.
• Individual genius, not majority consensus, has led to most historical advancements.
• The masses have always been stupid and easily swayed. Therefore, democracy is a sham designed to shield a nation’s financial overlords from personal responsibility.
• Tolerance and equivocation are deadly when you’re fighting a war, especially an undeclared one.
• Many Jewish propagandists endlessly berate others for “racism” while tending to be ethnically exclusive themselves when it really counts.
• Jews are really, really, really, really, REALLY smart.
Hitler’s main point—that multiculturalism is always fatal for the host society—is undermined by the fact that he’s mighty short on historical examples to support his argument. He states it as a foregone conclusion without bothering to provide much concrete evidence. Another huge point that confused the Living White Aryan Daylights out of me is his conflation of communism with “international Jewish finance.” I was under the impression that communism was designed to destroy capitalism, but Hitler acts as if they’re the same thing. Yup, Marx was Jewish, as were a disproportionate quotient of Russian Bolsheviks. But either my Aryan Blood is too mixed with Mud Blood to understand what he’s saying, or Hitler wasn’t making any sense by stating that Jewish communism and Jewish capitalism are propagating the same Dirty Jew cause. The book’s major weakness is the same flaw that taints all white-supremacist rhetoric that hammers excessively on Das Juden—it’s hard to claim you’re supreme while conceding that your “people” have been systematically duped by a smaller-yet-smarter opponent. I love the Jews, and I think Hitler did, too. A classic line uttered by a peckerwood named “Snake” while we walked the penitentiary yard sums it up better than all 700 pages of Mein Kampf: “I don’t hate that the Jews run everything; I just hate that they won’t admit it.”