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The top 10 reasons I'm voting 'no' on same-sex marriage

John Birmingham
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1. Because the YES campaign secretly loaded a U2 album onto my iPhone and now I'm with Team Bigot.

2. Because a red-headed Tasmanian tried to headbutt Tony Abbott and he missed and if I can’t have the only thing that could make me truly happy neither can you, gay people.

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Labor leader Bill Shorten says he is confident the 'Yes' vote will win despite latest polls showing a slide in support for same-sex marriage. Vision courtesy Seven News Melbourne.

3. Because won't somebody think of the children who’ll be stuck with two dads and they’ll have to stop in at the bakery every day for emergency cheddermite scrolls for school lunch and probably breakfast too because everyone knows dads are hopeless, so vote no for the kids.

4. Because this country can’t afford to let gay weddings delay a moment longer the vital infrastructure projects this country needs that will be delayed when queeros start marrying their favourite bridges and other transport nodes.

5. Because if religions have their religious freedoms taken away from them we might one day live in a country where witches cannot be dunked into a river or set on fire by priests.

6. Because if gay people get married there will be no freedom of speech anymore because Tony Abbott and Lyle Shelton and Pauline Hanson and Mark Latham and Fred Nile and Miranda Devine and Andrew Bolt and Bernard Gaynor and Ray Hadley and Janet Albrechtsen and Chris Kenny and the entire line-up from Sky News After Dark will be so terrified that they will never stand up in Parliament or go on the telly or the radio, or write columns for The Australian or the Daily Telegraph or the Herald Sun ever again.

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7. Because that guy from the Cronulla riots held a "Straight Lives Matter" rally on the weekend and only got a dozen single men in identical T-shirts to meet him in a park because everyone knows that with gay marriage all the parks will be full of the gays marrying each other and having even a dozen men without girlfriends in the same adorable T-shirt gathered in one place could only be a provocation to those insatiable gays, oh god I hope Cronulla riot guy is alright!

8. Because marriage is a sacred institution that has always had a special place in our society, a place we call prime time, which we traditionally reserve for the quiet contemplation of the spiritual bond between a man and a woman on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Farmer Wants A Wife, Married at First Sight, Bridezillas, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, My Redneck Wedding and Divorce Court.

9. Because it says so in the Bible, somewhere, in the Old Testament I think, and if we ignore that we would also have to ignore the bit that tells us it’s OK for a dude to sell his daughter into slavery, and totally legit to stone adulterous women and disobedient children to death and then we’d be on a slippery slope to hell in a handbasket, wouldn’t we.

10. Because have you ever seen a gay man eat a pie? No you haven't and when the gay marriage law enslaves the bakers of this country and forces them to make homosexual wedding cakes and nothing else there will be no more pies so I will vote NO.

Originally published on smh.com.au as 'The top 10 reasons I'm voting 'no' on same-sex marriage'.

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