'We consider ourselves parents': Reflecting on a stillborn daughter, 11 years on
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Alison and David Homer hadn't heard of the term "stillborn" until they lost their daughter in 2006.
But their experience is not uncommon. Six babies die in utero every day in Australia.
While research continues to look at causes and prevention of stillbirth, the subject remains taboo.
Eleven years after their own loss, the Homers want to encourage a national conversation about stillbirths and how families deal with grief in the days, months and years in front of them.
'I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat'
Alison Homer was 32 weeks pregnant when she stopped feeling her baby kick.
After a nervous trip to the hospital, Mrs Homer and her husband David were shocked to learn their unborn child had died.
"I remember the doctor saying, 'I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat', and from there everything went dark," Mr Homer said.
"They're very foreign words to hear. When you're anticipating a brand new life, to have any indication of death thrown in, it just didn't match."
The couple were advised to go home, then return to hospital the next day to give birth.
"I couldn't comprehend that," Mrs Homer said.
But after coming to terms with the reality, she now looks at the experience as a blessing.
"I just thought, this is my child, and I'm the mother, and I'm going to give birth to her."
Parents, always
Harper Frances Homer was stillborn on May 31, 2006.
Mr and Mrs Homer sympathise with people who don't know what to say about stillbirth; however, they say recognising their loss goes a long way.
The key to understanding their experience is realising they are grieving parents.
Mr Homer got a "Harper" tattoo on his wrist in the hope it would give permission for people to ask.
"We've learnt over the years when someone says, 'I'm sorry for your loss', it's everything, it's an acknowledgement of a life that didn't make it," Mr Homer said.
Before her funeral, the couple spent each day visiting Harper, reading, and spending all the time they could together.
Mr Homer's sister is an experienced midwife and suggested taking a camera.
"I was horrified, but photos are important. Just to have that tangible memory," he said.
Remembering Harper
Although it's been 11 years, the loss remains. The experience changed the couple forever.
"I didn't go back to my job. I wasn't the mother that I thought I was going to be with my child," Mrs Homer said.
"I didn't know what I was. I could feel this enormous hole and it was getting bigger and bigger."
"That hole will always be there, and it should be there because it's now part of me. It's important to make friends with your grief otherwise it will eat you away."
In memory of Harper, the couple now share their experience with midwifery students.
Mr Homer explained they wear her memory as a badge of pride.
"We made a conscious decision never to deny her existence," he said.
"'Do you have kids?' It's a hard question, cause [if] you say 'no' that's one of those moments I'm disappointing my daughter.
"My child is always watching."
Topics: family-and-children, parenting, grief, pregnancy-and-childbirth, reproduction-and-contraception, health, sydney-2000, australia
