“Yes, great, phone call, hello.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Ricky! Congratulations on getting to work with me. You are going to be muy, muy happy. Do you speak good English or should I get a maid to translate?”

“I speak fluent English.”

“Donald, Jr., doesn’t. Good boy, but he’s weak. He cares. He cares. Good boy.”

“What are we talking about?”

“You gotta pay for the wall, Ricky.”

“No.”

“I promised the people. This is bad for me if you don’t build my wall. Have I sent you the drawings? You won’t believe how beautiful this wall is gonna be. Stunning. Jared’s gonna come down.”

“Don’t send Jared down.”

“Many more Mexicans voted for me than Hillary, who has AIDS. The legal Mexicans. Cubans love me, Ricky. I go down to Florida and they give me standing ovations. It’s just amazing. Puerto Rico. Do you know about Puerto Rico?”

“Do I know what about Puerto Rico?”

“Do you know about Puerto Rico? It’s doing the most wonderful things lately, everyone’s talking about Puerto Rico, and it’s going very well. I got all of Puerto Rico’s electoral votes.”

“Excellent, Mr. President.”

“We could go to war on Canada.”

“¿Qué?”

“The president has the power to go to war. Just the president. Totally unlimited powers, no one can stop him. It’s an unbelievable thing that many people don’t know about. Maybe we go to war with Canada. Maybe me and Canada go to war with you.”

“No puedo creer que tenga que lidiar con esto.”

“What? Do I need to get the maid or not, Ricky?”

“No, Mr. President.”

“Either you gotta build me my wall or at least stop saying to the press that you’re not going to. Okay? No one thought I could get 273, but I got 306. I won Michigan by the biggest numbers anyone’s ever seen. The governor of Michigan called me up to thank me for all the beautiful things I was going to accomplish. Tim Allen called, too. Great guy, very funny. Ricky, you know Tim Allen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Incredible short game. You two would like each other. Maybe I’ll send Tim Allen down with Jared.”

“Send neither, please.”

“You know that Israel has a wall, right? Spectacular wall. We could do that, no problem. Why don’t we follow their lead? Frankly, Ricky, you owe us a wall. The cartels are bad. You should see what they’ve done to Maine. The governor up there wants to start executing Mexicans, believe me. Build me a wall or I let Maine execute Mexicans.”

“Am I being punked?”

“Shit, shit, Putin’s on the other line. Hasta la vista, baby.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

…

“¿Que ha pasado?“