There’s A Reason Drummers Don’t Get Microphones

Enthusiasts, you know my opinion of the so-called “jam band scene” is “get the hell away from me, and take your 45-minute cover of John Barleycorn Must Die with you.” Had I Kyrptonian technology, I would imprison all of them within the Phantom Zone. (Phantom Zone in this case being the JamOn channel on SiriusXM.) Most of this is Garcia’s fault, by the way. Selfish bastard died, and now we’re stuck with the Widow Pancakes or the Dibble Bibbles or whatever the fuck any of their terrible names are.

(Why do all jam bands have such shitty names? My theory: it’s a warning, like the bright colors on poisonous frogs. They’re telling you right upfront they suck. SIDE DISCUSSION: What’s the best band with a terrible name? My vote is for the Fountains of Wayne. Great power-pop, horrible name.)

And so I treat the jam scene as Patrick Moynihan suggested we treat minorities: with benign neglect.

By the way, if you’re unfamiliar with jam bands, there are two categories:

1. Bands that sound like Phish.
2. Bands that sound like they’re doing a cover of Cumberland Blues.

That is all.

So it angers me, Enthusiasts, that I must spend one iota of my New Yorker magazine-declared genius on any of these bearded bores. Christ, I could be writing about something wonderful, meaningful, beautiful, or maybe Sleepy Batmanful, but instead of that I have to mock an idiot. However, in the mockery, there will be a lesson. You know TotD is a tedious moralist, and there must be a lesson in everything.

Michael Travis, who is the drummer with Boulder’s own Strep Throat Instigators, decided that Facebook was the best place to work out some of his theories on the Jews. I don’t know what specifically it is about Jews that causes so much freelance theorizing, but hoo boy can you find a shitload of ’em. And easily! Used to be if you wanted a good juicy Jew Theory, you had to mail order self-published books, but now they’re literally in your pocket.

Mr. Travis has chosen as his Jew Theory an oldie but a goodie: Jews control the banks. Now, as far as pernicious and unfounded slanders against the Hebrews go, it’s better than the “drinking Christian children’s blood” one, but just barely.

Mikey strikes me as someone who would bitch about being taken out of context, so I’ll let him misspell for himself:

Enthusiasts, why is it that people smart enough to figure out centuries-old conspiracies aren’t able to use “their” and “there” properly?

Oh, fuck it: let’s go to the bullet points.

• Y’see that third sentence? The one about reading the Torah? Mikey’s got notions about who is and isn’t a real Jew and I guaranfuckingtee you they’re fascinating. Know how I know? He knows better than to write them down on the internet.
• It would be a stretch to say elementary school, but I learned that you can’t prove a negative fairly young. You, too? I feel like that’s common knowledge. It’s not one of those esoteric logical fallacies that all the wieners on Reddit like to throw at each other.
• Following up a Jew Theory with an emoji makes it simultaneously better and worse.
• Responding to it with an angry-face emoji definitely makes it worse, though.
• THIS IS AN OFFICIAL TOTD DECLARATION: Disliking Donald Trump doesn’t excuse the rest of your behavior. I have a feeling fuckers on trial are going to start pulling this shit: “Your honor, I did eat that family, but I didn’t vote for Trump. I’m not a bad guy.”
• Who’s taking my bet on who Mikey did vote for? I got Jill Stein. Any takers?
• Do honest arguments about Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians and continued human rights abuses often get smeared by accusations of antisemitism? Yup. Will some Jews (Alan Dershowitz! Cough cough cough) immediately start yelling “Anti-Semite!” at the first hint of any criticism? Yup. Is it wrong to call the notion that Jews control the banks an antisemitic one? Nope.
• An analogy:
  • “I have many, many Jewish friends…[but] the Zionist Banking cartel is a thing.”
  • IS TO
  • “I have many, many black friends…[but] their propensity for violence is a thing.”
• I dated a Rothschild. Swear to God. Distant relation, but she had an enormous apartment in Beverly Hills all to herself.
• We could go into the history of the Jews and their relationship to banking, which was mostly thrust upon them by Christian and Muslim hypocrites not wanting to sully themselves with “usury,” but we all know that Jew Theories are utterly immune to facts and context and nuance; this is literally the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
• If it weren’t the title of a deliberately-written smear on an entire religion, Protocols of the Elders of Zion would be a great name for a Rush record. Maybe King Crimson.

Anyway, Mikey went on and on in an uninteresting way (much like his band) and you shouldn’t be subjected to it (much like his band).

Let’s settle this once and for all. Hey! Mickey?

“Sup?”

Do Jews control the banks?

“Probably the ones in Israel.”

That’s true.

“And New York.”

Should’ve quit while I was ahead.

“People always say that around me.”

Yeah.

“Wasn’t there supposed to be a lesson?”

It’s in there somewhere.