By the time you read this I will have manflu.
I can feel it coiling inside me now, gathering its fearsome power, preparing to lay waste to body and soul.
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How to take care of yourself when you have the flu
While there is no cure for the flu virus, there are several things you can do to help ease symptoms and heal your body more quickly. Video copyright Health Media Ventures, Inc 2017.
If I survive, which seems unlikely, it will only be by virtue of the due preparations I have undertaken for this plague.
Firstly, I have printed out and laminated copies of the latest research from the University of London which proves that manflu is much worse than the other, lesser strains of lurgy, such as small-boy cold and wife sniffles, both of which are endemic in my house, or to use the proper scientific name, transmission vector.
"Viruses may be evolving to be less dangerous to women, looking to preserve the female population," said Francisco Ubeda, a man from the university's School of Biological Sciences.
Another researcher who is not even a man, Durham University's Dr Amanda Ellison, says that men have much bigger areas of the brain devoted to temperature receptors, which explains why those few who survive the onslaught of the brutal manflu superbug feel so much worse.
Having established the scientific basis for my special needs which is all any man is asking for, I have naturally been diligent in securing them.
Two bottles of rum have I procured, for making the strongest Lemsip toddies, and with them a sufficiency of bacon wrapped eye fillets to ensure I keep up my strength during the struggle ahead; the struggle being for control of the big TV which may be contested by that small snivelling boy I mentioned, known around these parts as Patient Zero.
Zero it is whom I blame for my infection in the first place, and I don't intend to allow him to waste his youth sitting around watching Minecraft walkthroughs when he could be learning how to mix a medicinal hot rum and Lempsip cocktail for his old man.
The alternative would be making his sister stay home from her exams again and nobody wants that, if the busybodies from the investigative unit of the Education Department are to be believed.
With rum, steak, bacon, strong, strong medicine and couch rest I am hopeful of being back with you next Tuesday. Much weakened of course, but also in a very real sense strengthened by my survival.
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