By Matt Holden
Research shows that in 2017, far too many people come to work when they have a cold: the main evidence of this being the prevalence of runny noses, hacking coughs and balled tissues around any Australian workplace in June, July and August.
Current medical advice is pretty clear on the best treatment for the common cold: rest, drink plenty of fluids, ignore all emails and pull a doona over your head.
Lisa didn't know it yet, but Gary was about to cough all over her...
The first three things can be easily accomplished in most workplaces (and frequently are), but for the doona bit you need to stay at home, either in bed or on the couch.
Medical science teaches us that the common cold is spread by aerosol inoculation, which common sense translates as sneezing on other people, and a workplace, from the cold's point of view, is a good place for this to happen.
Barrie wasn't the most organised company accountant, but at least he worked from home when he had a cold...Credit: Getty Images
We could probably eradicate the common cold in the 21st century if people would just stay at home when they have one and refrain from sneezing on their workmates.
Yet still people come to work sniffing, hacking and rheumy-eyed. @!$#!!?! why?
Any workplace agreement in this country has to include paid sick leave – what's happened to the great Australian tradition of using it all up?
It's not like you even have to call your boss and fake a sick voice to say you aren't coming in – she'd probably prefer an email to the awkward phone call where she has to make you feel OK about staying home.
If you're the type who needs to indulge in a bit of virtue signalling to your colleagues, you can still answer emails from under the doona (in between the rest and the frequent liquid sipping).
But "soldier on" has turned out to be one of the most successful advertising slogans of all time, not in moving heaps of product, but in convincing people to get up and go to work when they really just need to stay in bed.
It's almost as if the viruses that cause the common cold are evolving to take control of our central nervous systems and send us in search of humans gathered in over-air conditioned environments so we can more effectively infect them – like the parasitic fungus that takes over an ant's brain and makes it climb a tree and die.
Either that, or we've developed an American-style work ethic that takes no account of anything except getting the job done – a truly scary prospect.
Matt Holden is a Fairfax Media columnist.