When I received an honorary doctorate recently (and no, I can never find enough times to slip that fact into casual conversation), I was asked by a group of female students for my life lessons. Off the top of my head, I came up with: Try everything except heroin and morris dancing. (Who the hell was Morris, by the way? Does anybody actually know?) But the question got me thinking. As a graduate of the School of Life with a diploma in Hard Knocks, what wisdom could I impart? Here are my top tips.
Teenage years. Apart from the obvious advice that hitchhiking means relying on the kindness of passing serial killers, remember that nobody can make you feel inferior unless you let them. And stand on your own two thongs – a girl should never wait to be rescued by some knight in shining Armani.
Career. Aim high. Let blokes know that you no longer want their seats on the bus; you want their seats on the board. And never have sex with your boss. This is called sleeping your way to the bottom. The only reason a man sleeps with his secretary is to have a woman he can dictate to.
Health. Throw out your bathroom scales. If Mother Nature had wanted our skeletons to be visible, I have a strong suspicion that she would have put them on the outside of our bodies.
In 10 years' time you'll wish you look as good as you do now, so learn to love your body. Besides, ageing sure beats the alternative. And don't have cosmetic surgery. My mother told me never to pick my nose – especially from a catalogue. The bottom line is: Why would you want a man who only wants you because you're silicon from tonsils to toenail? Well, you wouldn't.
Love. Look for a man who'll adore you, not bore you, and who will do all your chores for you. Is that too much to ask of a billionaire? But if love is unrequited, stop worshipping the ground his head is in.
And when it comes to sex, don't be naive – when a man asks you up for coffee, it means "coffee" in perverted commas. But do note that the word "slut" merely describes a woman who has the sexual appetites of a man.
Marriage and motherhood. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. In truth, love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
And when you've found the man you want to father your children, don't try to be an earth mother. Natural childbirth is a case of stiff upper labia. You've done drugs all your life – why stop now?
Don't ever feel guilty about being a working mum. Even Mowgli survived, right? Working mums can Have It All … but just not All At Once. Perfect mothers only exist in American sitcoms and perfect marriages are like orgasms – many of them are faked. Don't feel guilty about wanting to be a stay-at-home mum, either. Simply change your job description to "domestic engineer" or "president of in-home pedagogy" to ensure you get the respect you deserve.
Housework. Don't aim to be a domestic goddess. Any woman who says she gets high on housework has inhaled way too much cleaning fluid. Just remember it's scientifically proven that no woman ever shot her hubby while he was vacuuming.
Menopause. Don't fear it. For women, life is in two acts. The trick is to survive the interval.
And finally, don't forget to have fun. Life is a bowl of cherries, so don't be left in the pips. Most important, be wary of people who give advice. Except for your mum. My mum is the wittiest, most wise and wonderful person in my life. In fact, I'm just off to get her top tips.