As someone with decades of experience as a physician, I can assure you that whatever your diagnosis, it pays to be an informed patient. Many conditions have a wide range of treatment options, and to make the decision that’s right for you, it’s important to understand the pros and cons of each. Unfortunately, the general public has a lot of erroneous ideas about the practice of medicine, and to some extent this is due to the popularity of Dr. Mario.

Thanks to this so-called Dr. Mario, many people assume we in the medical field solve every problem we encounter by just lobbing a bunch of pills.

It has certainly distorted the expectations of the patients who walk into my office. Yes, just like Dr. Mario, I wear a white lab coat and a stethoscope, and yes, I too treat illnesses with pills, when appropriate. But the similarities stop there. People feeling sick come to me and ask, “Do I have the red virus? The blue one? Or is it the yellow?” And whatever the answer, they expect me to fling four pills of that color at their germs. I always find myself explaining that just because there’s a “Dr.” before his name doesn’t mean Mario underwent the same rigorous training as the rest of us. Not by a long shot.

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NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries. “It’s a phenomenon we unfortunately observe from time to time: producers see that a certain true-crime doc is getting attention and then try to replicate it in hopes they’ll get some of the spotlight too,” said critic Lauren Frye, noting that the many copycats of The Life And Death Of Ashley Dutcher all feature hallmarks of the original, including a small town, a murdered teenage girl, speculations about mishandled evidence, and home videos of the suspected killer as a child. “It’s absolutely sickening. We in the media have a responsibility to stop sensationalizing these derivative works with our coverage, because that’s exactly what the horrifying people who make them crave. The best thing we all can do is simply look away.” Frye went on to say that while copycat documentaries couldn’t be prevented altogether, fewer would be produced if people knew they’d have to upload it themselves to YouTube and hope even a hundred people watched.

WINTER PARK, FL—Coming in first by a significant margin, “back to dock” was voted the most popular destination among passengers currently on a rowboat, according to a poll released by Boating Magazineon Tuesday. “Far surpassing other options such as ‘a little farther out’ or ‘over there in the sun,’ ‘back to dock’ was the overwhelming choice among the thousands of rowboat passengers we surveyed,” said editor-in-chief Kevin Falvey, explaining that it was popular not only among people who were tired after having rowed for a while but also those who had not been working the oars themselves and simply decided they were ready for lunch. “‘Back to dock’ was also surprisingly prevalent among many who had left the dock just minutes earlier, citing reasons such as the heat, mosquitoes, seasickness, and not really having wanted to be on a rowboat in the first place.” A related poll reportedly found that the most popular destination among current Jet Ski operators was “10 feet from those swimmers.”

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TAMPA BAY, FL—Calling the 10,000-gallon habitat hallowed ground, a local stingray told reporters Monday that he dreams of one day making it to the Tropicana Field touch tank. “Ever since I was a pup, I’ve always imagined what it would be like to earn a spot in that 35-foot tank just beyond right-center field,” said the adolescent cownose ray, adding that he would like nothing more than to one day hear the roar of the crowd from behind the glass as he flips his tail and burrows into the sand. “It’d be such a thrill to finally rub my flaps along the tank wall as I circle around waiting for my meal. There’s not a day that goes by when I’m not working toward finally swimming through that tank while fans run their hands along my back.” The stingray then added that making it to the Tropicana Tank would finally fulfill the dreams of his late father, who never made it beyond the Tampa Bay Airport RumFish Grill aquarium.

WASHINGTON—Telling the Senate Intelligence Committee that he had no choice because saying anything else would be incredibly stupid, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner testified Monday that he did not collude with Russia during the campaign, but pretty much had to say that. “I did not in any way conspire or collaborate with any foreign government, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you because I would likely go to jail,” said Kushner, adding that if he had to choose between lying to a panel of legislators—plenty of whom were happy to take his excuses at face value—or openly admitting to being a criminal, he’d lie every single time. “At this point, with no real pressure to admit I committed a felony or participated in any illegal activity whatsoever, I suppose I’ll just keep saying I did nothing wrong. Honestly, the only smart move here is to stand up and say the one thing that doesn’t destroy my life, so I’ll be sticking with that for the time being.” Kushner went on to say that he had no knowledge of collusion on the part of anyone else involved with the Trump campaign because, come on, what would you say if you were him?

LOS ANGELES—Surpassing levels not seen since the mid-1980s, a new report published Monday by UCLA found that dance cage recidivism is at an all-time high within America’s club scene. “We’re seeing more and more people leave the cage only to find themselves right back inside not even a weekend later, gyrating once again in a seemingly inescapable cycle,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Abby Meehan, adding that she had met dancers who had been in and out of cages so many times, they actually preferred moving their bodies behind bars than out on the floor with the general party population. “Unfortunately for many, it’s the only nightlife they know. And the sad thing is that the club system is designed to keep them in there for as many extended remixes as possible, often in cramped conditions with barely any room to grind or shake their asses at all.” Meehan went on to say that early intervention is crucial, as a 50-year-old in a dance cage is almost certainly beyond rehabilitation.

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation. “We will be able to use this considerable bequest of particles for a multitude of projects that would not have been possible otherwise,” said Fermilab director Nigel Lockyer, explaining that the donor did not wish to be named and stipulated only that each of the particles be used in order to further scientific research. “Donations such as this are crucial for us. Particles are never easy to come by, and with the cuts to our federal support currently under consideration, we’re going to need all the particles we can get.” Lockyer went on to say that Fermilab always accepted particle donations of any size, from the smallest quarks and neutrinos to entire atoms.