Whatever happened to the Blues Brothers?

No triumphalist parades in SW6 and G51 for another season, and the super-rich and their flunkies can rest easy that Monaco won't be littered this coming August with empty buckfast bottles (made by monks), discarded union jack boxer shorts (Made in China) and renditions of not so popular folk classics (made up on the Shankhill Road).

What with it being Chelski, R*ngers and 21st century professional football - with its gaudy commercialism and fast buck mentality - the marketing peeps in the Blue Zone have went with the short term view that though not every trophy cabinet can have silverware, every cloud should have a silver lining and, with that in mind, have already rush released the 2007/2008 season's commemorative mementos represented below.

Depending on which side of the blue bed you get out of every afternoon, you can go for the Dave Weir figurine represented on the left or the Frank Lampard special that is slouching on the right.

The figurines are made out of the shoddiest materials to properly represent the personalities of your modern day footballer, and they are tastefully dressed in funereal black to mark another season of abject footballing failure. As is fitting for a season that has gone up in flames so spectacularly, the clothing that Mini-Dave and Fat-Frank are sporting is made out of 100% polyester because it was felt that that was the most flammable of man-made materials.

The jackets have been fitted with long sleeves to hide the questionable tattoos and, with summer approaching, both players have specially bolted on sunglasses to both hide their deadened eyes and to help them avoid the blinding glare of a world where the sun is permanently shining.

As an added touch, ugly scowls have been scarred onto both players' faces and you'll be pleased to note the manufacturers, with an acute eye to authenticity, have specially moulded their wee plastic hands into angry balled up fists.

The manufacturers want R*ngers and Chelski collectors to be rest assured that there are plans for other players to be featured in the series but the design department are currently experiencing teething difficulties with the John Terry figurine: they can't get it to remain upright in the box.

Savage Savaged

From BBC Sports:

Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy has called former team-mate Robbie Savage "the worst player I have ever seen in my life", ahead of the Derby midfielder's return to Ewood Park on Saturday. "He has no skill at all," added McCarthy. (Various)

That noise you can hear in the distance is this bloke sighing in relief.

"Thought he'd say me. Everybody else does."

In Place Of A Post-It Note On The Fridge Door

Bear with me. Currently listening to 'Super Popoid Groove' on the tinny earphones that cost me $2:17 from the local 99 cents store. (That can't be right.)

A daft and joyous slab of bubblegum pop off of Win's 1987 album, 'Uh! Tears Baby (A Trash Icon)', that in a just world should have sold 247,317 copies. Sold diddly squat but if New Labour was at all interested in preventative healthcare in the 21st century, it would be piping the tune over tannoys in town centres across the country. Cheaper than putting prozac in the water supply.

Where was I? Wait up . . . 'Shampoo Tears' has kicked in. Godlike. The Sound of Aging Scotland can take a running jump. Win were better than the Fire Engines. Somebody slip a mixtape in Quentin Tarantino's breast pocket so that Spam Valley can catch onto Win twenty years too late.

Half-watched the footie on the telly today. Had to. The other eye was on the Celtic match on the BBC website. Of course, they had to try and balls it up against Aberdeen.

Poor old Reidski: Millwall getting turned over by Leeds Utd on the same day that Celtic forget to read his script. They eventually nicked it with a Samaras goal but it doesn't bode well for next Sunday's game against the unmentionables. But I'm contractually obliged to type that.

In fact, Celtic will win 4-1 with Barry Ferguson scoring a brace of own goals. The shame will be so great that he will be banished to his home town club of Hamilton for next season's SPL, and they will be relegated quicker than it takes me to come up with a witty line that includes the words Barry Ferguson and Academical in the same sentence.

Of course it was the Man Utd versus Blackburn Rovers game that caught my eye - though Antoine Sibierski nearly had my eye out with that miscued shot of his after he came on as a sub in the earlier Wigan/Tottenham game.

Couple of observations about the Man Utd/Blackburn game:

The ref, Rob Styles, bottled it. Not that unusual a thing to type when pontificating about Man Utd and referees. The novelty this time was that he bottled the big decisions against United. They should have got a couple of penalties and, if Chelski go onto win the title, Ferguson will be pointing the finger at Mr Styles.

Scholes is past it. He was a passenger for most of the game. Too many mishit passes to go unnoticed and he contributed to Man Utd playing below par on a day when they had to be on their best to overcome one of their hoodoos. His frustration at being bypassed got the better of him, and some of niggly tackles he was guilty of betrayed a truth that he was out of sorts. It turns out that he is red hot Oldham Athletic fan. He should do the schoolboy dream stuff and play out a couple of years with them.

Tempted to say the same about Giggs but it was less about him and more about the excellent performance from his half time replacement, Nani. He was the class act on display for United. A tricky beguiling winger who threw the Blackburn Rovers defence into a state of panic. Nani stepped up when Ronaldo had one of his off days and when Rooney and Tevez were taking it turns to fail to hit the cow's arse with the studio banjo.

Friedel had a brilliant game in the Blackburn goal, but all the naysayers who rattle on about Rooney's lack of clinical finishing in front of goal were taking a lap of honour after yesterday's game. Up until now, I've been looking too close at the stats and not looking too much at the actual games. Rooney might be getting a goal every other game but it doesn't tell the whole story. There hasn't been such a profligate striker since Jimmy Hoffa filed his expenses claim after the 1963 Teamsters Strike. Okay, I made that last bit up. I meant to write . . . ' when Andy Cole was playing for Man Utd'.

Despite Simon Hattenstone's daft piece in the Guardian a few days back, where he sought to draw favourable comparisons between Ronaldo, Tevez and Rooney and Law, Best and Charlton, I wouldn't be surprised if Fergie breaks up the current triumvirate come the summer. Yep, even if they do retain the title and win the Champions League. I'm not convinced that he will continue to accept the current scenario of 'When they're good they're brilliant, when they're bad put John O'Shea on as an emergency striker . . . '. He's nothing if not unsentimental. The alice band on display at Old Trafford next season will be Berbatov's. Tevez will be sucking his dummy on the bench.

I still have Utd down to retain their title, but they won't clinch it at Stamford Bridge next Saturday. Chelski will lose at St James on the 5th May after the deflated comedown of losing to Liverpool in the Champions League. (And when that happens I will promise to stop referring to Will by his full name of Will Makem for ever more.)

Toepokery

Ronaldo has a Narey like moment.

"Who's chairing this meeting?"

I so want this to be true but I know it's probably not:

"According to reports, owner Mike Ashley, who shuns corporate hospitality when attending away matches, joined the rest of the travelling support in singing 'we're shit and we're sick of it'." [From here.]

It could start a trend amongst Premiership Chairmans'. Man City's, Thaksin Shinawatra, singing to opposition fans: "You're going home in a fucking ambulance." Oh wait up, bad example.

The Unspawny Get

Following a brief discussion with Mailstrom's Alan J a few posts back, I made reference to Tommy Sheridan being one of life's "spawny gets" but, from further investigation, I note that there is little or no reference to the term "spawny get" on the net, save a few passing references to Viz, this blog and the urban dictionary.

So, mindful of giving something back to the english language, I thought I would give an example of someone who is anything but spawny, in the hope that it will better explain who or what a spawny get is.

Step forward Blackburn's Paraguayan striker, Roque Santa Cruz.

Last Saturday, Blackburn went 3-0 down inside forty minutes to Wigan at the JJB Stadium only for Cruz to score a pretty nifty hat trick in the space of sixteen minutes to bring the scoreline back to 3-3. What happened next? Wigan struck two late goals and Blackburn went down 5-3 to a team whose forwards up until that point couldn't hit a cow's arse with Mike Harding's banjo.

OK, bad result for the once high flying Blackburn, but let's accentuate the positive: after a strong start to his Blackburn career Santa Cruz goals had dried up in recent months, so three well taken goals pointed to better things for both him and the team.

Fast forward to tonight, and Blackburn are playing a second string Arsenal side (Randall in midfield? Who the hell is Randall? Tony? Derek? No, Mark.) in the quarter final of the Carling Cup at Ewood Park.

Being a second string Arsenal side, naturally enough they go into a 2-0 lead inside half an hour, and one of Blackburn's better chances of getting some silverware is going the same way as Ricky Gervais's career after the Extras' finale. Cometh the hour - okay, the forty-second minute - cometh the man, and Santa Cruz pulls back one back for Blackburn. Cometh *cough* the hour, Santa Cruz equalises and Blackburn's season is back on track. What happens next? Arsenal's Denilson gets sent off in injury time, but the ten man Arsenal edge it 3-2 in extra time. Arsenal go through to the semi final of a tournament they aren't that arsed about, and Blackburn suddenly become incredibly nervous about their forthcoming FA Cup third round fixture at home to Coventry on the 5th January. (Especially as Coventry have a bit of form this season in turning over Premiership sides in Lancashire Hotspots.)

So, to recap, in the space of four days, Roque Santa Cruz has scored five goals in two games. Both times bringing Blackburn back into games they've thrown away in the first half, only for them on both occasions to go on and lose the games when it would have been easier for them to go on and win. That's the best example I can think of, of an 'unspawny get'.

Oh, and Santa Cruz is an ugly bastard to boot. The poor bloke can't get the breaks in life.

"It's OK, Roque. With some corrective plastic surgery, we can make you look like a real footballer".

Two Words: Graeme Souness

Looks like Big Eck is being a little man by doing a Walter Smith.

So much for Scottish football being on the up. At least with Smith - and Docherty before him - they left the Scottish manager's position for sizeable jobs, but Birmingham City? If he says the words 'sleeping giant', feel free to scream with hysterical laughter. Bet the swine goes and signs Derek Riordan.

Next manager for Scotland? My fear is stated above. Especially fearful 'cos who in their right mind will head hunt Souness at a later date? Chris Hutchings has got a better chance of being head-hunted.

Even Andy Johnson Scored

Following on from this post on the blog a few days back, Roy Keane hopes that Michael Ballack doesn't explain to John Terry and Frank Lampard that schadenfreude is not the name of German beer, whilst Craig Gordon has a lie down and thinks back to the glory days of Tynecastle.

"You don't want to do that."

According to wiki, when Liam Ridgewell joined Birmingham City from Aston Villa in August 2007, he was: "the first player to transfer between the bitter rivals since Des Bremner in 1984 . . ."

Nine minutes into today's derby at St Andrews, and he scores an own goal. Silly boy.

Update

No Happy Ending: Agbonlahor cleared a Ridgewell header off the line before meeting Ashley Young's cross at the other end and nodding past Blues keeper Maik Taylor.

Chant No. 1 (and No. 2)

From BBC Football:

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Arsenal fans to Sunderland when they went 2-0 up at the Emirates.

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"

Sunderland fans when Arsenal threw away their 2-0 lead. (Harry, UK).

"We've got Joey Barton, We've got Joey Barton, la la la la."
Newcastle fans to Man City fans last Saturday.

"You've got Joey Barton, You've got Joey Barton, ha ha ha ha!"

City fans after seeing their side go 3-1 up. (Julie, UK).