Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1
I was going through a stash of old comic books the other day, when I came
across several that seemed a bit odd; not in the sense that the comics were
strange or unique, but rather, because beneath the seemingly innocent veil
of child-like artwork was a subtle nod towards debauchery.
The artists who
created these covers probably never meant for them to to be used as spank fodder, but being
the mean-spirited, immature, asshole that I am, I've decided
to do the only thing that a grown adult
would do: point out juvenile observations of unintentionally sexual acts
on comic book covers.
Now, I'm no expert on primate facial expressions, but I think the look on
the monkey's face can best be described as: concerned. Of
course, I too would be concerned if a moon-bound astronaut mistook me for
being a girl from outer space and wanted to make
sweet love to my monkey butt. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but
you can only see one of the astronaut's arms on the cover. I'll let you
connect the dots, but I can say this much: I've
only seen a grin like that on a man's face one other time, and my parents made
sure to lock the door from that day on.
The cover depicts a jubilant young male wielding a giant, burgeoning, meat
staff, beating some poor schlub senseless over the head. I shudder to think
how the story would unfold from this point, but I think one could safely
assume that it would involve: lubrication, limping, and the humiliation
associated with being raped by a giant slab of salami (if any).
Whatever the misdeed, his father
has taken it upon himself to spank Superboy's pasty white ass raw, in what can
only be concluded as an attempt to debase the puritan moral code of
its time with depraved sadomasochism.
For the sake of critical analysis, I've decided to make a silhouette of just
the cowboy and the logs shown here:
A closer inspection of the monkey's face tells an unspoken story of
forceful, untamed monkey love:
That's it for part 1. I just bought a new keyboard, so if you're wondering
when part 2 will be posted, feel free to email me so I can break in my
delete key.
1.
Moon Pilot
The caption on the cover suggests that the comic is about an astronaut who
crash lands his rocket into a spongy yield
of hot alien vagina.
The picture, however, suggests a completely different story.
2.
Blek le Roc
This is a French comic that comes from an artist whose work first appeared in
a magazine called "Pim, Pam, Poum, Pipo" (a name considered pompous
even by French standards).
3.
Superboy
When I came across this comic, I was surprised to find not one, but two covers
depicting Superboy as a whipped-ass bondage slave:
Of course, the spanking on the cover
implies that Superboy has indeed done something to earn the title of a
"bad boy;" perhaps in between
brief stints of preventing robbers from burglarizing booty, Superboy
was caught robbing booty from burglars.
4.
The Rifleman
You could arrange a boy holding a pile of wood, and a cowboy
staring knowingly into his eyes all day long and not get a more
suggestive pose than this.
It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small
boy to carry it.
5.
Tarzan
I can only imagine the condition of a society in which
a comic featuring wet, well-trimmed, virile young man gazing romantically
in a monkey's eyes could be published without raising some serious red flags.
The monkey is seen here massaging its neck, perhaps in duress from
the pain caused by having blood vessels ruptured in the back of its
throat, undoubtedly from eating a banana too quickly;
either that or wang.
5,437,003 comic book covers were engineered with the intent to subvert the innocence of children.
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