The notion that you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time has never quite resonated with me. Originally touted by entrepreneur Jim Rohn, the sentiment shrouds friendship and connection in self-interest and the rigidness of "networking". It overlooks the fact that who we spend our time with is often outside our control – work colleagues, family, lifelong friends with whom we no longer see eye to eye (even if we still enjoy the biggest belly laughs together).
Admirers of Rohn's philosophy often cite the example that if you spend time with fit and active people, you too will find yourself fit and active. Yet our natural instinct for connection with others goes beyond taut abs. Chemistry draws us to partners and friendships that may not be beneficial to our careers or fitness, but add richness to our lives.
While we could cull such connections to "upgrade" our social circle, there is something uneasy about forming relationships on the basis of how they will propel us forward, instead of how they will soften and deepen us. What does resonate with me, though, is the idea that much of who we are and what we know comes from the people with whom we surround ourselves. Part of being a social animal is that we learn through engagement.
But why does this growth need to be limited to five people? Shouldn't we rather seek out a diversity of friendships and be open to alternative ideas, experiences and conversations?
At the beginning of 2016, I wanted to see what would happen if I stepped outside my friendship comfort zone, and built new relationships by meeting a stranger each week. I found them in a variety of ways – Twitter conversations, or reaching out via social media to people I admire, or making an effort to get to know friends of friends, or saying yes to a request from others to meet. In one year, I met 78 new people.
These are the seven lessons I learnt:
1. Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet
The adage proved true. With the expectation that most encounters would be superficial meet-and-greets, I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly friendships can form between strangers. Of the 78 new people I met, some became good acquaintances. As someone who often feels anxiety walking into a launch or networking event, meeting a stranger a week increased the chances of bumping into a friendly face.
Others became collaborators. In some cases it was great to have someone to have coffee with and talk about writing ideas. In others, we were able to put work each other's way. In fact, most of the work I have received in the last year has come via someone I didn't know before that year started.
Some strangers I dated. Some became good friends. Some became great friends. Some even became housemates.
2. It's easier to make friends than you think
It can be daunting to turn a meeting over coffee into a close friendship. What I discovered was that friendship occurs when there is an integration of lives, so finding common interests and connections is a great way to turn a stranger into a friend.
When there was a click, the key to creating something sustaining was to connect again soon after the first meeting – I'd invite them to an event, or bring multiple strangers together at a dinner party or picnic. It's astonishing to think that some of my closest friends were strangers less than a year ago. Th e lesson is this: you have no idea what impact someone can have on your life, or what they could become to you, until you meet them.
3. There will be a ripple effect
A few weeks into the experiment, I found that meeting one new person would often lead to introductions to one, two, even three more. Someone would mention that I'd really get along with so-and-so, and make an introduction or pass on their contact details so I could get in touch.
In other instances, after our initial meeting I'd be invited somewhere and meet a handful of new people there. What increased this refer-a-friend phenomenon was being generous in my own introductions. In other words, to attract new friends, connect friends. Start being active in meeting new people – reach out on social media, follow up after you've met someone new, and say yes to requests to meet others.
4. Your world expands
At times, it's easy to feel disenchanted by the routine of catching up with the same people, doing the same things and having the same conversations. My experiment taught me that it's important to go out of your way to meet people who are not like you, with different backgrounds, expertise and experiences. This requires being braver. Like dating, meeting new people for friendship or connection leaves us open to rejection.
It's much easier to stay inside your comfort zone, but far more rewarding to be open to possibilities. For instance, as a former sceptic of the benefits of meditation, my perspective was completely shifted after meeting with Jacqui Lewis of Sydney's The Broad Place ("a school for creativity and consciousness") after striking up a conversation on Instagram. I now do 20 minutes of Vedic meditation most days and reap the rewards of feeling more focused and less derailed by my thoughts.
I also made a concerted effort to meet people with different life experiences, jobs and religious and political views to my own. As a result, I learnt more about a whole range of matters – living with a common mental-health condition, living with a mobility aid, and being from a minority religion, for instance – than I ever could reading about them. It is not until you have an extended conversation with someone that you can imagine life from their viewpoint.
The greatest lesson also came from a freshly met friend – to be open not just to new people, but new experiences. Once quick to say no to invitations as an introvert-default, I now have a rule that if someone new, or someone interesting, asks you to do something, say yes.
5. Opportunities flow through people
Halfway through the year, I quit my job as an arts editor and writer to go freelance. Remarkably, and without actively seeking them, some of my most lucrative writing jobs and opportunities have fl owed through a stranger I met in this experiment.
I also found a dream room, in a dream share house, on a dream Melbourne street through a stranger. I've participated in surreal art events, been invited to speak at gatherings, and had dinners and Skype calls with people I've long admired.
I wouldn't say it's entirely who you know that brings opportunities – but it's certainly a large part. As entrepreneur Ben Casnocha has said, "Every opportunity is attached to a person. Opportunities do not float like clouds in the sky. They're attached to people. If you're looking for an opportunity – including one that has a financial payoff – you're really looking for a person."
6. You discover what's important to you
Meeting a stranger or two each week can be quite a strain on your social calendar. Initially, I thought this experiment might have a negative impact on existing friendships, but what I found was that it made those relationships richer.
A study found that while we have fewer friendships as we get older, we describe our social relationships more positively. This is because we start to strategically shape our social environments in order to spend time with those who emotionally satisfy us, and to avoid those who don't.
I became more aware of what an emotionally fulfilling friendship looked like, and I was able to spend more time building those – both new and old. Likewise, I became unafraid to cull those that weren't mutually satisfying.
There were also the meetings that didn't go so smoothly. While they were few and far between, there were instances where my curiosity and generosity with my time was taken advantage of. This was mostly in a professional capacity, with several demands for free labour. Such encounters taught me about building boundaries and saying no, while still remaining open and curious.
7. A never-ending experiment
Despite having completed my year of strangers experiment some months ago, I continue to meet on average one new person each week. Once begun, there's a momentum and joy to meeting people that is not easily halted.
After all, why would you want to put a cap on your friendships?
It's not just the five people closest to us who impact our lives, but everyone around us. Those we interact with by offering our time, connections and friendship, often return it. Our world expands, and so does our openness to opportunities, deep connection and joy. Experiment, be brave, and meet a stranger – or 78!
Madeleine Dore is a freelance writer and founder of interview project Extraordinary Routines (extraordinaryroutines.com), exploring the everyday lives of creatives.