Q: At my son's under-14 football match, a 50-something gentleman came up to him and did a "great game buddy" fist-bump. My son wasn't sure how to react but reciprocated accordingly. At what age is a "fist-bump" no longer acceptable? L.B., BOX HILL, VICTORIA
A: The fist-bump was a big thing in the 2000s. Everyone was doing it: kids did it, teenagers did it. Even I did it, adding a slow-motion, fluttery fingered KABOOOOOM effect that lifted the fist-bump to thrilling new levels of suburban male whitey-whiteness. But now the fist-bump is out of fashion. Nobody does it any more, not unless you're under 10 years old, or a boxer in boxing gloves saying hello to another boxer in boxing gloves.
Your son should have treated this gentleman with the contempt he deserves – he should have ignored the bump, not engaged with the bump, let the man's fist hover in mid-air until his wrist buckled with exhaustion and he slunk away in unrequited fist-bumping shame. While we're on the subject of outdated social hand gestures, you shouldn't be high-fiving any more, either – not unless you're under eight, or a member of the kiddie band Hi-5 and it's contractually worked into all your choreography. And nobody should be doing the thumbs-up ever again – not unless you're a toddler and it's the very first gesture your newly developed kiddie brain has learnt to do. Or you're Donald Trump.
It's probably time to let go of the flat-palmed talk-to-the-hand, too. Also the "respekt" over-the-heart finger-splay. And the sassy-blackwoman, Z-shaped sista-snap. I tried it at a recent dinner party and it did not go down well, girlfriend. Oh no it di'n't.
guru@fairfaxmedia.com.au