On April 19, 2008, Dr. Zoltan Øbelisk and Marco Minnemann declared War On Fun, at the Steve Allen Theater in Hollywood, CA. TRANSCRIPT: We are gathered here tonight, on the conjunction and combustion of April 19th and April 20, 2008, at the Center For Inquiry in Hollywood, CA, to Declare War On Fun. I, Dr. Zoltan, am joined by several Repositioned Consumers who will assist me in various multi-media tasks to celebrate and document this momentous occasion. There will be no comedy tonight. The Steve Allen Theater is hereby a designated No-Fun Zone for the duration of the evening. Dr. Zoltan demands that you take the following presentation VERY seriously, as War is a very serious matter. I have chosen this particular time-space to Declare War because this very midnight is a social vortex of immense historical-political-conspiracy cult power. These two days mark the anniversaries of The Columbine Shootings, The Assassination of the Branch Davidians, Oklahoma City Bombing, Hitler's Birthday... and Dr. Zoltan shall also mark this conjunction and combustion for all humans to remember! Many in the audience are curiously asking themselves and each other, what is all of this talk about the War On Fun? What is wrong with having Fun? Why is Fun... so bad? Aren't there more important issues to worry about? Dr. Zoltan, why do not you instead declare War on the imperialist, fascist theocracy that has taken over our republic? Why do not you direct your efforts towards peace in the Middle East or lowering gas prices? Dr. Zoltan is here to declare that fun is the reason the U.S. is in the clutches of an Energy Crisis. Dr. Zoltan submits to you that Fun is the reason behind the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. That is correct. The U.S. Military has invaded foreign lands in order to defend YOUR right to have fun and waste your energy. Humans waste energy in the following THREE ways: NUMBER ONE: Driving their inefficient vehicles to unnecessary and unimportant destinations. The inefficiency of a vehicle can be calculated using the Machine To Meat Rating, which will be explained in a moment. Let us look at an example: Sally weighs 125 pounds. Her gasoline-powered car machine weighs 2,000 pounds, 16 times more than her body. She lives in Los Angeles and wants to drive to San Francisco for the weekend to party with her friends. It is about 750 miles round trip. It will cost her about $100 in gasoline to take her 2,000 pound car and her 125 pound body on the road trip. It would cost her $3.75 worth of electricity to ride an electric scooter that same distance, the same price as... one single gallon of gasoline. Not one tank. One GALLON. However, maybe Sally doesn't drive a small car. Maybe she drives a pickup truck that weighs 4,000 pounds.That will cost her $140 in gasoline. Or maybe she drives a Hummer SUV, which weighs 6,000 pounds. That will cost her $200. Compare that to the electric scooter which will cost $3.75 round trip. $3.75 round trip. An electric scooter can travel 750 non-consecutive miles for $3.75. Of course, scooters are not ideal for long road trips. But Sally drives her gasoline-powered automobile to and from work all month, 25 miles round trip, which works out to the same distance travelled. 750 miles a month. For those skeptical minds out there, how many pounds of machine should it require to move a pound of meat? Honda Civic: 16 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat Toyota Tundra: 32 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat Hummer SUV: 48 pounds of machine per 1 pound of meat Inefficient! Inefficient! Inefficient! An electric-powered bicycle weighs approximately 50 pounds, less than half the weight of Sally's meat. That comes out to 1 pound of machine per 2.5 pounds of meat! Incredible! How is this possible? Why are humans using machines that weigh over 100x what is actually required to move the weight of meat? Is not that what these machines are used for? Efficiently moving meat from one place to another? Surely, the human race can reduce the weight and complexity of its transportation devices and invent an efficient, safe, all-purpose 1-person vehicle? Somewhere between the concepts of the 50 pound electric bicycle and the 2,000-6,000 pound automobile, there must exist an ideal machine for moving humans from one place to another. Unfortunately, human technology is driven by consumerism. That is, until a machine can be mass produced and mass-marketed, it does not exist. Consumers are notorious for making bad choices. NUMBER TWO: Consuming food that contains excess energy, often more than 5,000 calories in one day. Every time a human "Bags a McMeal," it consumes more energy than its body requires, and it is converted to blubber. As a result, its body becomes larger and requires more energy to sustain it. In essence, it is only eating to keep the parasitic fat alive. For the sake of having fun, the human machine is stuffing its system with sodium and sugar... and clogging its pipes with toxic preser

• published: 28 Oct 2011
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