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TAKE THAT

Canada's Lady Space King triumphantly descends from moon to show America how it's done

SCHRODINGER'S BODY

Woman feels like she's gained weight even though the patriarchy tells her she's invisible

CURRENCY

Canadian dollar holds steady at 100 cents Canadian

HBO

Man at Game of Thrones viewing party realizes dragons only thing keeping this from being porn-viewing party

SCIENCE

Man listens to single positive study about coffee instead of increasingly loud heart palpitations

HOMECOMING

Neil deGrasse Tyson lurks outside theatres to tell audiences there's no such thing as 'Spider-Men'

NIGHTSWIMMING

Cottage's 'NO SWIMMING SUITS AFTER DARK' sign harrowing reminder of grandparents' insatiable lust

WOW

SELFLESS SACRIFICE: Trump says if he could, he would send Eric to jail in Donald Jr.'s place

DISASTER AVERTED

CLOSE CALL: Lucky flyer narrowly avoids being on Air Canada flight, period