iowahawk

Your 2014 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In Grand Champion Carbonator

All the entries are in, and once again it's been a bang up year for the Earth Week Cruise-In with 70 entries from around the world. Thanks again to all participants for your grassroots climate activism and dedication to horsepower. But only one can stand alone as the Grand Champion Carbonator. The envelope, please!

And the winner is (drum roll)... 

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Environmental Protection Agency administrator Gina McCarthy!

A hearty congratulations to Gina, whose winnings include a deserving place alongside Barack Obama, Solyndra, James Cameron and Mother Earth herself in our pantheon of previous champions, along with 1 trillion official Iowahawk carbon credits to apply against her future environmental destruction.

"What gives, Dave? I didn't bolt a twin turbo and nitrous onto my two-stroke margarita maker to lose your stupid contest to some damn government hippie," you might well be grumbling. OK, Mister Sore Loser, lemme ask you this: did your Earth Week celebration include private jet travel with an entourage of flunkies to New York, Boston, Cleveland, Atlanta and Memphis, all for no apparent reason?

Gina's did.

So don't hate the player, hater, hate the game. If you're going to compete in the Carbon Big Leagues, best bring your "A" game and the power to tax your jet fuel bills out of the chumps.

Until next year... Excelsior! 

The 2014 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In

What, you thought you could get rid of me?

After another six month-long kick in the nuts from Ol' Man Winter, it's time to shake the dust off this blog and rev up for the 9th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In, the yearly online pageant where I and my readers celebrate the climate-correcting miracle of internal combustion, and honor Mother Earth - the Ultimate MILF®!  Have a hot rod, custom, donk, murdersickle, autogyro or private tycoon oceanliner you want to enter? Smack that email link on the left and send 'er in. But be forwarned -  the carbon competition is fierce! Rules:

• Submit a photo or video of your ride (preferably as a link), along with a pithy description, to the email link on the left using the subject line "Cruise In". 
• Eligibility is open to fossil fuel-powered human conveyances (cars, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, spacecraft, etc.) and other devices at my discretion. E.g., an electric blender is not interesting; a blown Hemi-powered blender is.
• Please submit only those vehicles you personally own, or have stolen. I know many of you have pics of other people's cars, but this exhibition is about taking personal responsibility for the environment.
• If your vehicle was featured in last year's Cruise-In, please wait 'til next year to re-enter. Let's keep it fresh, people!
• Submission deadline Sunday, April 27.

I'll post daily updates starting Monday, and at the conclusion will select the worthiest as Grand Champion Carbonator. Now let's see those rides!

MONDAY APRIL 28

BZZZZZZZT! That buzzer means, sadly, that entries for the 2014 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In are now officially closed. Many thanks to all who participated and in their own small way contributed to climate change activism. Let's start off the last batch of entries with another swanky Big Bird from Tracee:

Submitted for your consideration, this two-ton-plus land cruiser. Just the perfect way to say you care about your Mother and the ample petroleum supplies She provides. At 300+ horsepower, and with a 390 C/I V8, its just the thing to get you to your Earth Day celebration in style, much to the admiration of the celebrants. Eco- friendly? Of course!!! It'll carpool five of your friends in style, with enough trunk space for your Geo.

Having grown up on an Interational Harvester-loyal farm family, you know I dug this Farmall A submitted by Wright Shumate:

Yeah it has been a good tractor. I did break the crankshaft once dragging trees through the woods, but I use it to disc, bush-hog and grade my rock driveway. Oh, the manifold has a quarter size hole in it, but it adds to the exhaust noise.

Linda & Rob Schoffel's ginchy vintage F-1 has spent a life in service to tree murdering:

Here's our 1950 Ford F1 carbonator, which was recently liberated from years of agricultural servitude on a carbon-guzzling Christmas tree farm. Our street-legal pickup still produces tons of tree-friendly carbon from its original 226 cubic inch cast iron flat head six. Now living in comfortable retirement at our remote Finger Lakes compound, this postwar classic still does its part to keep Mother Earth green by replacing the carbon deficit caused by an influx of Priuses to our formerly redneck environs.

Sticking with the theme of sinister black pickups, here's one from real-life Nebraska cornhusker Troy Uden:

Thankfully I have one truck that can break 20 mpg when I drive it kindly. This year I'll submit my 2009 Dodge with the mighty v-6 gas burning engine. Lacking current ownership of a cool street rod, this beast is just nice enough that I can buy my way into large car shows and obtain a mighty sweet parking spot. Gimps can be very resourceful!

How do we honor America's Greatest Generation? By carrying on their beloved Cadillacs. Greg Jackson explains:

Here is my 73 Cadillac sedan DeVille. 80k Documented miles, original paint, never touched. A real survivor. I purchased it from the estate of the original owner 3 years ago. He was. WWII vet who was on the beach at Normandy, came home and became a lawyer. It loves the highway and I become one with the road and the car between 60 and 80 mph. We have a good day when we get double digit fuel mileage.

M.P. Tolacka is rightly proud of his Trumpet, especially the custom handlebars:

2008 Triumph T-100 Bonneville. Hyde bars, Hyde pipes, and the carbs were rejetted. I didn't uninstall the air exhaust valve and it pops like mad on decel. It's also got SS brake lines, new progressive fork springs, and shocks.

The best part? My then 9 year old son measured the handlebars with his Dad's calipers, designed bar ends, CAD'ed them up, and machined them out of aluminum.

Gary Altman shows the right way to improve an emissions-choked 70s Chevy Box:

My 1978 Chevy Caprice Classic. Built L-82 small block (Heads, cam, headers, Holly double pumper, Nitrous, etc). 3:73 posi rear. Was a sleeper...now a classic. Not the fastest by modern standards...but still makes all the right noises.

Virginian Jacob Drumheller enjoys soaking up nature's free vitamin D in his classic Beemer ragtop:

Just put some new shoes on her this weekend. Still burns gas like it cost when this BMW 325i (e30) rolled off the line 1991. And really the convertible is the only acceptable form of a tanning booth. A magnificent shade of blue, much like the icebergs it is helping to melt or refreeze. Depending on the study you read, of course.

Safety devices? Gary Dannunzio don' need no steenking safety devices:

I submit this 1990 Craftsman 10HP 5 speed "Frankenmower" that has been keeping Mother Earth trimmed and lubed for decades. All factory safety devices have been removed or bypassed leaving one sweet unregulated ride. After mowing with this vintage machine the 30W motor oil that hasn't been blown out the exhaust leaves a fine protective coating on the grass, eliminating the need for expensive weed killers. Hey John Deere, who's your daddy!

Mississippi road king William O'Reilly promotes peace with his fleet:

I hope that this entry isn't too late. I submit my wife's 2013 Nissan Armada ( avg. of 12.5 mpg) and my 2007 Nissan Frontier ( 15 mpg avg.) I know that these aren't the best numbers for giving it to Gaia but it the best we can do. I'm hoping for extra credit from the "Firearms Coexist" sticker on my back window and the fact that as an engineer for the state DOT we use a lot of asphalt to pave our roads in Mississippi ( a large petrocarbon usage) and our traffic signals aren't timed to the optimum which also adds to the generation of exhaust!

Fuel conservation expert "Sentinelist" explains how his fleet totals almost 30 mpg:

I only thought it would be fitting to submit my entire fleet for your and your viewer's consideration. The smallest engine I own is the 4.0L supercharged V8 in my Jag. But the top drops on it, so it's plenty 'Earth friendly'. Its stablemate is a rare 2002 Audi S8 with a 4.2L V8 like from the De Niro flick, 'Ronin'. Outside, I'm afraid things turn a bit more dire. The 2005 Escalade ESV with a 6.0L V8 bullies the town Priuses daily by my wife. And on occasional weekends (or whenever the hell I feel like it, like to go get the mail), I can dispatch our zombie apocalypse rig- a mechanically-injected 1-ton 1993 Chevy K3500 with the HMMWV-spec 6.5L turbo diesel 4x4, loaded with a fully self-contained Lance 815 camper, and other um, countermeasures. I believe that's a total of 20.7L and 1270hp of Earth-loving power to 'get out there' and see the world. Amirite?

Bob Janke shares this glamour shot of his Chevy:

Here's my sexy '72 C10. It's true mileage is unknown because who cares. It may not be fancy, or pretty, but it's my daily driver. It's small block leaks as much oil as a teenagers face, and it wastes as much gas as any fancy Ferrari especially when I toss a Prius in the back and do burn outs in the K Mart parking lot.

What better way to celebrate Earth Week with an earth mover? "The World is Not Enough" shows dirt who's the boss:

My stang has the same ol' engine but my coworker is a one man gang when it comes to nourishing Mother Earth with CO2.

The last entry in this year's cruise is reserved for Yours Truly and my 1929 Ford - a/k/a the Roadster of Love. By far the most Gaia-friendly vehicle I own. Other than '39 Ford steel wheels, Stromberg 97 and vintage accessory turn signal, it's all original and unrestored down to the original wood floorboards and canvas top. Reuse? 85 years worth. Flex fuel? At 6.5:1 compression it'll burn anything that burnable. Wimpy engine with high mileage? With a 40 hp four banger that gets 30 mpg, it's an EPA regulator's dream.

Future plans include a juice brake conversion, T-5 transmission and vintage Winfield high compression head. Otherwise it'll stay the same as God and Henry Ford intended.

FRIDAY APRIL 25

Apologies for skipping a day! I will atone by 40 self-inflicted lashes of a wet noodle, and by posting a double dose of carbon action - starting with some Poncho-powered gasser madness from Dale Van Zant:

I submit for your approval my 462 Pontiac dual-4bbl carbureted 1940 Chevrolet Gasser Coupe, "The Devils’ Grocery Getter". With an estimated mileage of 1/4 mile to the gallon, trips to the grocery store are few and far-between, but I’m still keeping my thumb in the depleted-ozone pie with huge, smokey burnout and frequent 125mph jaunts down the drag strip as well as the occasional blast to the corner liquor store to give my good buddy Sailor Jerry a ride back to my compound. I’ll be suckling at Mother Earth’s fossil fuel teat till the day I die.

Speaking of Pontiacs, my old pal "Pontiac Ed" Raden is mighty proud of his teenage son Kyle and his kickass Z28. As The Who sang, the Kids are All Right:

I offer you the future of the Carbonator challenge, a second generation Iowahawk carbonator entry, my son's '95 Z28. After mortally wounding his engine in the 2013 Father's Day Father/Son Camaro Challenge drag race, we set about rebuilding the LT1 350 V8 with the intent of giving Al Gore cold sweats at the sound of its throaty rumble. The refresh included a large roller cam, ported heads, roller rockers, bigger injectors, a bigger throttle body, headers and a computer retune. It now requires a bit more Hi-Test to support the new substantially higher power level.

18-year old Kyle is far from the youngest contestant in this year's Earth Cruise - that honor (so far) goes to 4-year old gearjammer Ava Badgett, whose drag racing family has made several appearances here before. Proud grandpa Freddy Badgett writes:

Four and a half year old Ava is a second generation participant. Her dad was featured with his 500 HP 100 Cu. Inch VW drag Bug during the first Iowahawk salute to hydrocarbons. She does her part.

Rick Shick offers up a trio of hoopties to cover a variety of automotive tastes:

Any one of these is buckets of fun. I'm ready to roll on Mother Earth in any weather on any terrain. Got the Z3 new in '97. From doing donuts in Sequoia National Park to cruising Myrtle Beach, I have driven it from sea to shining sea more than a few times. Why, I 'member when Montana's speed limit was "Reasonable and Prudent." 129 mph was the most reasonable I ever got.

Bought the '55 Oldsmobile Super 88 Rocket in 1988 (co-owner with my Dad, so it counts!). It coughs, wheezes and drools everywhere it goes bringing smiles to all. I've even driven it in parades. Parades are always a good excuse for throwing candy at kids.

Then there's the good 'ole Dirt Bus, a 2008 4 Door Wrangler. Nothing beats the fun of driving offroad covered in a layer of sweet Mother Earth her-own-self. I like to wave at the motocross guys all gussied up in their hot sweaty gear as I trundle by in my A/C cooled outdoor living room on wheels with kids in the back giggling and sipping juice boxes. Everybody wins!

For Scott Miller, every day on his Gold Wing is Christmas:

Who knew Santa rode a Honda? It's a 1982 GoldWing, and in near-daily use from about April to early October here in the Rockies. Sure, it may seem efficient, but with a heavy throttle hand on 1,100 cc's with four carburetors and no emission controls, it's nearly as good as a Trabant at putting a pillow over Gaia's peacefully sleeping face.

Jeremy Jordan is doing his part to keep Des Moines warm with his classic Screaming Thunder Chicken:

My 1979 Pontiac Trans Am. For disclosure, she does not have A/C so you can not have the A/C running with the T-Tops out for maximum Earth destroying fun. However as we just saved the car last year, we haven't yet started a full engine rebuild yet so the CO2 output is chokingly healthy. The Olds 403 screams 'dump gasoline in me so I can spew my exhaust into the atmosphere every time you decide to do a burn out.' Which is often. Like every time it's driven type of often.

Warming the Earth while trying to cooling down with the t-tops out.

Dave R. gives a Jack Webb just-the-facts-ma'am overview of his F series:

For submission. My 1996 Ford F250. 7.5L, 460 cubic inches of gas guzzlin fun. Gets about 8-10 smiles per gallon. Two 18 gallon fuel tanks.

Steve Miller shares his tasty Swedish meatball, along with a reminder 'tis better to reuse than recycle:

Our 1971 Volvo 1800, 90% restored and driven often (sans bumpers and side-markers because it looks better), with it's original bulletproof B20 engine.

In honor of Earth Day, I submit, using current "green" standards, that driving an old car such as this is far more environmentally responsible than using child labor in China to mine rare earth materials to produce a new battery (read: coal)- powered car forged with countless kWh's for metal fabrication and thousands of plastic bits and shipped half-way around the world, consequently so that a well-meaning westerner can feel superior driving it to the local farmer's market. As such, we submit, "reusing is the ultimate recycling."

What could be greener that Floridian Mike Meridith's hybrid flex-fuel pickup?

Here is my "green" fossil fuel monster. 100% recycled from Uncle Sam, she is a modified 1969 M35A2 (Deuce & 1/2). It has a Man Hypercycle diesel engine that will burn ANYTHING with a flash point.

Rodney Hathorne's offers up a real MF (Massey-Ferguson), along with a invitation to test his home made corn-based biofuel:

Please consider my humble tractor. It's an honest hunk of steel from Detroit that has been rebuilt well. We raise turkeys here in West by God Virginia, and the gas we burn makes plenty of feed for Thanksgiving dinners. What little corn or barley left over goes to personal projects, usually tested from mason jars. We feel it is self sustaining. Feel free to drop by and test our production.

Scott French is proud of his noble pre-Government Motors Silverado:

She ain’t pretty or old or custom or fast or expensive. But she is MINE. And, she drinks more ethanol free fuel than I can afford! Everything I wanted-2004 Silverado/Crew Cab/6.0L/4x4! Likes: Snow, Mud, Tropical Storms & Tailgating “Smart" Cars!

Brian of Redmond, WA is back with a sweet aerial hot rod:

In addition to me 65 T-bird, may I present my homebuilt RV-4 powered by a Mazda 13 B wankel engine. Not content to merely distribute CO2 high into the atmosphere, it does so with a distinctive exhaust note.

My mysterious jet jockey pal 'Pilot X' never has to wait for his popcorn while crisscrossing America's skies - thanks to his jJET POWERED MICROWAVE:

If you can grant a little latitude for this year’s submission, I’d be much obliged. I am well aware that the object pictured is not any type of conveyance, unless you’re last night’s leftover General Tso’s chicken looking to do a few donuts while you attain proper eating temperature. Yes, it is a microwave, but it’s not just *any* microwave. This is a Wavejet, produced by the TIA division of Monogram Systems of Sterling IL. As an implement of the culinary arts, this microwave is horrible. It requires at least three minutes to heat any food item to anything close to proper eating temperatures. The only cool thing about it is the fact that it has a pressure switch that shuts it off if the ambient pressure decreases below about 697 millibars - ambient pressure at about 10,000 above sea level. Why would it need such a switch?

This radar range is surrounded by a 19 ton, stratosphere-shredding, dino juice-guzzling rocket sled used to shuttle our favorite plutocrats and oligarchs between secret illuminati bashes.. And when it's not hurtling through the air, 9 miles up at 500 knots, it's warming up my lunch on the ramp in Palm Beach or Aspen or Nice.

Whaddya suppose is powering this sucker when it's on the ground? We don't plug into the grid! Heck no, we have to be self sufficient. We have our own generator, a Honeywell 36-150BD gas turbine auxiliary power unit (APU) that we keep stashed in the tail.

So, dear sir, I present to you... the jet-powered microwave:

This heart-rending tribute from Michigan's Eric Havenhill left me blubbering like the last scene in Ol' Yeller:

I was lamenting a lack of a worthy fossil fuel burning device to contribute to this year’s Iowa Hawk Earth Week Cruise-in when I remembered the family’s (except for my wife) sad loss of a loved one this past year. Behold “Turbo Van”. The rotted out, pollution spewing, fossil fuel disposal device that served as my eldest son’s butt hauler for the past 8 years. Bequeathed to him by his grandfather the day he got his driver’s license, and despite its being equipped with a V6, my son lovingly bestowed the title of “Turbo Van” to this ’93 Plymouth Voyager when he learned that mother Mopar actually made turbocharged versions of these crap boxes.

I personally spent much quality time with Turbo Van fixing what ever happened to go wrong with it in any particular week, so my son would have wheels. I don’t know how many times I’d exclaim, “It shouldn’t need any more attention for a while now”, only to find out that “a while” meant just a couple of days. Cash for Clunkers was a boon to the lifespan of Turbo Van. I made my near weekly excursion to the auto salvage yard pulling parts from other mini-vans that were in much better shape so that Turbo Van could live on to survive 200K+ miles. Clever placement of black electrical tape assured that the nagging distraction of malfunctioning emissions control devices as indicated by the “Check Engine Light” would be non-issue while driving.

When my son left for some Hoya toity grad school in Washington DC, he decided that he would no longer need the conveyance services of Turbo Van, to ride of all things, the bus! While nearly any mechanical malady can be overcome with proper tools and some hillbilly craftsmanship, nothing could prove a match for an unappreciative wife, who nearly a day after my son left home proclaimed, “Get that rusty, oil leaking, piece of sh#t out of the driveway or the neighbors will hate us.” So what else is new? So here’s my last photo of Turbo Van (sniff! sniff! sob! sob!) sitting on the scrapyard’s scale to assign a value of 10¢ a pound to a priceless, loyal family member. The irony of Turbo Van returning back to the very place from whence all his parts came, will never be lost on me.

Clevelander Dave Van Horn owes his career to a stretch Caddy:

Linked for your consideration is Big Blue.... an Authentic 1984 Cadillac Limousine.... a Dino Gobbling 4100 Caddie motor that was originally purchased in FORD condition (Found on Road Dead) for mere pennies and transformed into the best Baseball Team hauling automobile beer money could buy. You can almost hear John Denver do a redo on Grandma's Feather Bed.... Well it'll hold 9 kids, 12 bags of gear, and a puppy we found by the shed.... Now Big Blue transports the family mutts to area parks....

The best part of Big Blue is the fact she produces spontaneous smiles and waves from children and passersby on nearly every outing.... maybe its that powder blue, or the Velour interior that would make an Elvis Rug vendor green with envy....

Jason Foglia laughs at your car's puny trunk. Behold his scrumptious family heirloom Deuce-and-a-Quarter:

This is our recently inherited 1968 Buick Electra 225 Limited. My wife’s grandfather’s ride from St. Petersburg, Florida with 62K original miles. 7.0L 430-4 360HP motor, 19 feet long, around 4300 pounds of love. Power windows, A/C, cruise, power antenna (yes, only the windows work).

Trunk capacity estimated at 8 bodies.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 23

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. 2012 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise In Spirit Award winner Ed Roe of San Diego is back - with a vengeance:

Here's my 1950 Chevy Sedan Delivery, bought stock and owned for 25 years. Delivering nothing to nowhere with minimal efficiency. Chopped and bagged with 454 cubic inches .30 over with a cam, aluminum heads and 10.5/1 compression delivers plenty of the chemical compound CO2 that built this here planet (and that plants just crave!)

End-times zombie infestation? Minnesota's Carleton Fish says Bring It On:

My 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is fully equipped for Anthropogenic Climate Change (ACC)/Global Warming/Global Cooling/Climate Change/Climate Disruption, General Ecological Collapse, and The Impending Apocalypse.

Australian Jeff Hall would like to offer apologies for his Jag:

This baby did 12 mpg before the engine management upgrade. I regret it may now be more like 15. Sorry.

When Archie and Edith Bunker sing "gee our old LaSalle ran great," Jim Hughes of Connecticut knows what they mean:

My wife decided we needed something with more room than our 36 LaSalle coupe has. What do you do when your wife says she wants you to buy an old car? You buy it unless you're crazy or you want to sleep on the couch. Attached in all of it's gas guzzling glory is a picture of our latest acquisition, a 1937 LaSalle four door sedan with my friend Brian and my dog Tyler. Somewhere along the line the 322 C. I. LaSalle motor was replaced with a 1941 346 C. I. Caddy motor. For a big car it goes pretty fast and yes, the 37 LaSalle transmission does have a nice ratio and shifts smoothly. The misses isn't too fond of the WWII staff car look so it will probably end up getting painted soon. I thought it would be a hoot to paint our faces green, wear all green fatigues and go to a cruse night. Well, one of us thinks it would be a hoot anyway.

Ain't nothing in this world more handsome than a fully-patinaed beater truck, and as always the Earth Week cruise will feature a load of 'em. First up, a swanky Chevy from Sacramento's Rich Johnson:

I'd like to join in the Earth Week fun with a classic. This is a 1967 Chevy C20 Longbed Stepside pickup truck. In honor of Earth Week, this truck features:

Filth emitting 283 V8
No smog control equipment
Evil multinational corporate logo
Minimal safety equipment
And, one day, virgin old growth redwood bed just for fun.

This beauty has been staving off the next ice age for the past 47 years. Here's to another 5 decades.

Long time readers will recall our old pal& hair tonic supplier Doc Lee and his adventures in Iraq with the mighty Dumb Vee, festooned with refrigerator magnets sent by Iowahawk readers like you. Well, happy to say Doc is back home in the Ozarks where nowadays he tools around in this eye-catching Jeep:

From Siloam Springs Arkansas' leading one-eyed Chiropractor and magnet enthusiast, I humbly submit my 1978 Jeep J-10. 360 C.I. V8, factory 4 barrel, 4 speed (which I drive in granny gear, to more efficiently emit lifesaving greenhouse gases) and just for the occasion, I vented the freon from the A/C to the atmosphere to do my part in removing as much ozone as possible (known by the state of California to be a pollutant).

It's sister, a 1990 Grand Wagoneer is currently having it's freon similarly vented. No need to thank me.

P.S. I parked in that handicapped spot just because I'm an asshole.

"I'm with the band!" says Robert Carlisle's tour-tested Chevy:

This 1985 Chevy van was my band's vehicle for almost twenty years, traveling up and down the east coast from Oxford, Mississippi to Princeton, New Jersey with its stock 350 drinking the gas and spewing the carbon (as well as other illegal fumes from within the passenger compartment). The odometer turned over once and hit the 70,000 + mark when the instruments quit working but it was on the road for another 5 years before retiring on my patio as a storage shed for musical equipment and anything else that wouldn't fit in the house. Never used a drop of oil that entire time. After a few problems crept up it sat unused for ten years so I feel guilty for wasting all that time when it could have been pouring exhaust into the Charlotte sky. Hated to get rid of it last summer but the wife insisted. She and I were the only people connected to the van that never had sex in it. It smelled like a combo of frat houses, mildewed clothes and really good pot. Sold it for $350 (1$ for each C.I.). Hopefully, it has been brought back to life and continues to enhance the environment.

Minnesota Sky King Jerrod Lindquist employs his aircraft in the cause of science:

My airplane (currently mine but pic was taken when it was owned by a previous pilot) patrolling the shores, monitoring the scientifically-settled, AGW-caused rising sea levels – also ironically spewing carbon directly into the upper atmosphere and causing said rising levels. For those not in the know, “Ironically Spew” is an actual setting on airplane engines.

Schlitz may have made Milwaukee famous, but it was Harley-Davidson that made it badass - as this entry from "Unclefacts Meteor-Summoner" demonstrates:

Yeah it's orange. Problem with that?

2009 Harley Road Glide with some bits. Goes fast for a harley. 107 cubic inches, pipes and a power commander.

Eco-sensitive craft tofu farmer Lezlie Peabody is a wise steward of Mother Earth atop this green machine:

This is a 1970 John Deere 4020. We farm two thousand acres of soybeans and corn. We use this to run an auger that loads grain in the bins. It just sits there stationary, running, burning massive amounts of fossil fuel. I'm just doing my part to feed America!

TUESDAY APRIL 22

What better way to greet Official Earth Day Day than this? When it comes to warming the climate, Gary Donovan says MOPAR or NO CAR:

1970 Plymouth 440 GTX, owned and raced since 1988! Best pass of 11.2 at 124 mph, and yes I own the rest as well!

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi! The annual Earth Week Cruise always features some impressive entries from our friends Down Under, thanks to my old pal Tim Blair. Like this one from real life Road Warrior Garry Graham:

I thought it an appropriate salute during my recent 18 day, 9000km carbon-fuelled adventure around the eastern half of Australia.

 

Here's another Australian entry from Mick Baker, who has graphically hopped up his Holden to support the greatest green program in history- capitalism!

G’day Dave, I am a first time entrant, but long time reader and supporter of your global warming efforts. This is my ride, which I have recently branded with my business livery. It’s just a Holden Commodore Acclaim 6-cylinder - nothing special about it.  The reason I am entering it in the competition is twofold: (1) Shameless self-promotion - especially of my iPhone and Android app that could save someone you love’s life called iNeedHelp. (2) The simple fact that every fortnight I drive a 250km round trip twice to pick up my son for the weekend (which costs me around $50 in petrol - my ex pays the other half) when I could pay $3 and catch the train to pick him up. 

Viva capitalism! Viva spending money and petrol in the furtherance of branding!

So you think your car is green? Check out the power plant on Don Hudnall's bitchin' Trans Am:

I submit a truly green car for you annual Cruise In - my 1985 Pontiac Trans Am. It is powered by chlorophyll. Where do I sign up for my Obama green-fuel subsidy?

Joe Merlino trumpets his Trumpet:

2003 Triumph Bonneville America. 790 CCs of pure internal combustion fury.

 Richard Phillips knows the greenest car is the one you've already got:

Comrade Iowahawk: In case you decide to have an Obama-approved category, I submit for your consideration my 62-horsepower 1984 Toyota Tercel.  I bought this vehicle new, and as of today has 412,356 miles on the original engine.  Averaging 36.4 mpg over the past few years, this vehicle has survived the threats of nuclear winter and global warming without a single airbag.

Gaia-approved safety features include no air conditioning.  Yes, this is rather brutal during humid South Carolina summers, but think of all the ozone that has not been depleted during the past 31 years!  Notice also the convenient highlighting of the "55" on the speedometer.  I cannot help but rejoice at how many times this reminder has convicted me of my excessive carbon footprint!

Somewhere on planet Earth, Al Gore is pleased.  (Just don't tell him I bought my wife an SUV.)

If you can't get excited about a vast chorus of gas-powered lawn equipment singing in heavenly harmony then you are reading the wrong damn blog, bub. Zac explains:

This is my buddies' and my collection at a tractor show running at once. It sounded great and smelled even better.

Martin Price flies through the air with the greatest of ease:

Please find herein my candidate for the 9th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In (which could easily have been my entry for the 8th, or the 7th, if I ever actually paid attention to things like deadlines). This is our 1989 Pitts S-2B aerobatic biplane. (3 of us co-own her. Yeah, it's a "she".) The following points are noteworthy from a Cruise In point of view: 

 - She's drop-dead gorgeous.

 - Chicks dig biplanes. Fact. 

 - Good old-fashioned stone age technology everywhere you look. Metal. Wood. Fabric. The original design dates back to the '40s and, if you ignore the GPS (we do), mechanical fuel injection is about the most sophisticated feature.

 - There are also no pilot aids - fancy avionics, autopilots, or even such basics as "stability" or "forward visibility" when landing, are all noticeable by their complete absence. 

 - That's a 540 cubic inch 260hp air-cooled flat six [Lycoming AEIO-540] in an airplane that weights about 1200 pounds empty.

 - Aerobatics is, as they say, about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.

 - In a competition or practice flight she gets through a gallon of fuel roughly every 3 minutes...

 - ...and that's 100 octane low-lead fuel.

 - Being possibly the single worst form of transportation in the world (imagine sitting in a metal trashcan while somebody pounds of the side with a baseball bat) she really serves no purpose other than converting said fuel into entropy and smiles. When actually traveling, typically to a competition, we can just about get 14mpg. On the other hand, that's cruising in a straight line at around 155mph so it's arguably pretty respectable. I hope that doesn't disqualify me.

 

That's all I've got. I think I'm in pretty good shape until my friends start submitting their jets. No respect for the environment, some people.

 Another fearsome entry in the lawn care division from Lezlie Peabody:

2008 Skag Wildcat.I use 5 gallons of fossil fuel every week on the property. Just doing my part.

While to the layman it may seem Corey Ford's vehicle stable already has plenty of horses, he provides a compelling technical explanation why it should have even more:

Hey, Dave, I just wanted to introduce you to my current rides: a 2013 Ford Taurus SHO AWD pumping out 365 Gaia-torturing horsepower, and a 2014 Aprilia Tuono V4R, blasting out 155 biosphere-shredding rear-wheel ponies. For those keeping score at home, that's a total of 6 wheels, ten cylinders, and 520 beautiful, polar-bear-drowning brake horsepower. As of now, both vehicles are pretty much in stock form, but I hope to soon upgrade the Aprilia with an Akrapovic exhaust that adds another 5-10 hp or so, and, for the SHO, go the whole hog: Hennessey MaxBoost 445 kit, that boosts the hp to (you guessed it), 445, a figure that should make Al Gore cry himself to sleep in his 20,000 sq ft hypocritical luxo-mansion.

Now, you might be saying, both of these vehicles are pretty much off the charts in terms of performance, so does either of them actually NEED any more horsepower? The answer, of course, is a resounding YES. Why? Because, MORE.

MONDAY APRIL 21

 Let's lead off the 2014 carbon cavalcade with these entries from Steve Thompson, who embodies the whole Earth Cruise spirit:

I love your Earth Day pics.  I have a 2001 Harley Ultra Glide named Bettie-Lou that gets good mileage but because it is what it is getting on it and riding around all over the place to waste gas is part of the allure of it. Not to mention the two fine examples of some nice eye candy too! Also, my RV with the bike trailer is no doubt the best way to travel in my book. The RV is named Maybelline and her bored and stroked 454 Chevy now has 496 C.I. and puts out about 325 HP and a whole heck of a lot of torque!

 

Taciturn Eric Davis prefers to let this pic of his Porsche Carerra at Lake of the Ozarks speak for itself:

Kentuckian John Collins shares his smooth-as-Bourbon Squarebird:

Our 1959 Ford Thunderbird, with a 352 ci V8. Guzzling gas at a rate of 9-10 mpg.

Rick Mance has me seeing double with his blown stroker Camaro:

1968 Camaro Convertible. Supercharged 383 Chevy Small Block. 390 ft-lbs of torque at the wheels. Muncie 4 Speed. Sweet ride. And it's for sale!

Drew Felt of St. Louis MO shows that with a little ingenuity you can coax car-like gas mileage out of a two wheeler:

Cheap thrills. Twenty-seven hundred bucks can buy a 1986 V-Max with a Stage 7 jet kit, swiss-cheese airbox, and a Kerker 4-2-1/Supertrapp exhaust. Healthy doses of throttle keep the mpgs down in the 20's.

Out in Phoenix, Michael Perkins keeps the desert air toasty with his GT 500 'Stang:

Note that I am fully capable of pulling up to the eco douche with no ac & opened windows & overcome them with exhaust… Not that I would EVER do that ;)

Delaware is the home of America's handsomest license plates, as well as Steve Kay and his Jumbo-sized Mini:

I purchased this 2012 MINI Countryman ALL4 in February. I thought the tailpipe tips were powder coated black, but it turns out that when driven in Sport Mode, it actually injects extra fuel during deceleration to cause popping, burbling and carbon sooting. The vanity tag, jiayou, is Chinese for "add petrol".

When it comes to snow removal, this entry from New York's Paul Pomona packs a 1-2 punch:

With a near record amount of Global Warming in The Hudson Valley of NY this winter, Was sure glad to have my 1971 Bolens 1254 Gas guzzling, oil burning, smoke belching tractor snowblower to keep the neighborhood driveways clear. She don't look so purty and sounds like a pile driver but still throws the snow a good 25 feet. Think it's safe now to switch out the blower for the garden tiller and then the mower deck to insure a continued carbon foot print thru spring/summer.

Typical Pacific Northwest eco-extremist Brian of Redmond, Washington likes to feed the trees with his T-bird:

Here is my freshly restored pre-catalytic converter 1965 T-Bird with the FE390 engine. Enhancements include Edelbrock Performer Cam, intake manifold, and carburator, along with Headers and oversized stainless steel exhaust, all optimized for efficient delivery of that essential life-giving CO2. This car has been serving mother Gaia for just short of a half century.

May the Cinco be With You

Happy 4th & 5th of May! (with apologies to Marty Robbins)

The Ballad of Han Cholo

Out in the Tatooine town of Mos Eisley
I fell in love with an Alderaan girl
Nighttime would find me in Chalmun's Cantina
Music would play and then Leia would whirl

Drinking cerveza in metal bikini
Flimsy and shining with gold lame thread
I had it bad for this Alderaan maiden
Cinnamon buns on the side of her head

One night an ugly green Greedo came in
Wild as the Tatooine wi-iiiiii-i-i-ind
From out the county he sought a big bounty
To take my girl Leia to Jabba the Hut

So in anger
I challenged his right to the hand of this maiden
Down went his hand to a blaster he wore
My challenge was answered in less than a parsec
The bug-eyed green stranger laid dead on the floor

Just for a moment I stood there and babbled
Explaining to all just how Greedo shot first
My trusty lowrider Millineum Falcon
was idling outside, so I made a burst

Out of the front doors of Chalmun's I ran
Out where my spaceship was par-arrr-ar-ar-arked
It was a good one, it made the Kessel run
In less than 12 parsecs, on unleaded quarks

So I told
my hairy amigo named Chuy Tabasco
Vamanos vato, let's hit the warp drive

Back on Tatooine my life would be worthess
Well maybe a payday for old Boba Fett
But my homey Lando says my Princess Leia
Is captured by Vader on his Star of Death

I hit the star-brakes and did a u-turn
Artoo he let out a squee-eee-ee-eal
I hit the switches, look out you bitches
I dropped the clutch and away I did peel

And at last here
I am overlooking the Empire Death Star
Fixin' to blow up a planet below
But my love for Leia, it pushes me onward
If only I could shut up C3PO

Off to my right I see ten TIE fighters
Off to my left are at least twenty-four
Skywalker blasts a few from his gun turret
Don't get so cocky, kid, here come some more

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel
A tractor beam pulling us i-iiiii-i-i-in
There stands Darth Vader with red-hot light saber
Declaring us illegal space aliens

But my love for
the Princess is strong and I whack a Storm Trooper
and try to escape in a garbage chute door
I see a white zap of light from his blaster
I fall in a heap on the underlit floor

From out of nowhere, Leia has found me
Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side
Cradled by two loving buns that I'd die for
One final kiss and it's Carbonite time 

The 2013 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In Grand Champion Carbonator

Thanks again to all who participated in this year's edition of the Earth Week Cruise-In and for renewing my faith in the transformative healing power of internal combustion. And now comes the hardest part: winnowing the entries to determine who among you most deserves the crown of Grand Champion Carbonator.

And the winner is (drumroll please)...

The 2013 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In

What, you think I forgot? Rejoice citizen, it's time for the 8th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In - 7 days of peace, love, and carbon-belching horsepower straight from the garages of Iowahawk readers. Together we can combat climate change and celebrate Mother Earth - the Ultimate MILF®!  

Want your hoopty featured in the Cruise-In? Spiff it up for a glamour shot, and follow the entry rules below. Best bring your A-game though, because when it comes to carbon production, Iowahawk reader take a backseat to no one! 

ENTRY RULES

1. Submit a photo or video of your hooptie (preferably as a link), along with a pithy description, to the email link on the left using the subject line "Cruise In". 
2. Eligibility is open to fossil fuel-powered human conveyances (cars, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, spacecraft, etc.) and other devices at my discretion. E.g., an electric blender is not interesting; a blown Hemi-powered blender is.
3. Please submit only those vehicles you personally own, or have stolen. I know many of you have pics of other people's cars, but this exhibition is about taking personal responsibility for the environment.
4. If your vehicle was featured in last year's Cruise-In, please wait 'til next year to re-enter. Let's keep it fresh, people!
5. Submission deadline Sunday, April 28..

I'll be posting frequent updates all week, with newest entries on top. And, when the contest concludes, I will take each into consideration before crowning the 2013 Iowahawk Earth Week Grand Champion Carbonator.

Let The Carbonating Begin!

SUNDAY APRIL 28

Well, that'll have to do it for this year's installment of the Earth Week Cruise In. Many thanks to all who participated, and stay tuned for the naming of the 2013 Grand Champion Carbonator!

Where does he get all those wonderful toys? "Ferrari Bubba" has been a participant in every Earth Day Cruise In since #1, each time with a different Ferrari. This year, he brings two!

A few of my Ferraris that have yet to grace your website - a 612 Scaglietti F1 and a 550. The 550 is parked in front of Muscle Shoals Sound.

Thanks, Bubba! In appreciation for this fine entry, I give you the finest car song ever recorded in that old buiding:

Who says machines and nature can't live in harmony? Native Iowan "Sodbuster's Daughter" sends this beautiful bucolic Grant Wood-esque portrait of her Impala frolicking beneath the puffy clouds of Beldenville, Wisconsin:

This is a picture of our 1962 Impala SS.  There is a long and fantastic story of how this car "came home" a couple of years ago, but for now (because time is short) I want to just show you an artistic view of this beauty.  To me, the blue sky indicates that all is well with the earth, and perhaps the Creator even appreciates this human achievement.  No smart car will ever become an iconic classic like this one, seriously. 

Tom says his Packard is a work in progress. But I say why wait? Take it to the track and go racing:

Dear Mr. Burge, This is a photo of my 1930 Packard 733 running chassis. It is powered by a 320 ci, 90 hp straight eight. Once reunited with it's body, the entire car will weigh around 3 tons, and will get a carbon-comfortable 9 mpg. Everything on this chassis is restored original equipment, except the chair, which is from a different year. Oh, and the firewall, which is wood. Some interesting things to note: 1) The canister on the passenger's side of the firewall (partially hidden by the distributor) is a tank that uses vacuum to take gas from the fuel tank and then gravity feed it to the updraft carburetor. 2) The tank on the driver's side of the firewall is a Bijur lubrication system. It uses a dash pot and spring piston to distribute heavy oil to 27 different spots on the chassis that require lubrication. Thus there are only two grease fittings on the entire car.

School Earth Day? Joe Richardson say, hey, teacher! leave those kids alone! 

12 total Liters with a combined 835 hp of  Mother Earth warming mechanical love. 01 Mercedes Benz S600 LWB 400 hp 5.8L V12 with 46k Miles. 13 mpg around town if you're not in a hurry. 09 C6 Vette with 18K miles. K&N filter is only mod. Not real proud of that 16.4 mpg average, so I make sure to offset my carbon footprint deficit by regularly roasting those 285/35 ZR 19" Bridgestone's. Both are daily drivers.

Last week my kids elementary school told the kids to ask their parents to walk, ride a bike, blah blah blah to school to observe Earth Day. I honestly had a hard time picking which car to take him there in!

Carbon Is Not A Crime!

 

American cultural imperialism continues apace! Dominik from Down Under offers his righthand drive Caddy (with boastful vanity plates) as evidence:

Some Australians have adopted more Americana than just big macs. And like the kilojoule counter on the box (now mandatory in Oz) we wear our statistics with pride!

Dominik's countryman Bruce from Brisbane ups the ante with his thirsty thundercat:

True fans of Global Warming use 12 cylinders to assist in the eradication of fossil fuels. This cat gets 3mpg if driven vigorously and even has two tanks in a factory installed admission of Carbon friendliness.

In honor of all the fine entries from Australia this year, I'd like to offer this swell video shot by my buddy Piero DeLuca during his recent trip to Oz. If you want it on DVD, you can order here:

Why deal with a cramped little Porsche? Zoltan Newberry's Panamera sez 4 Doors No Waiting:

Just got this 2010 8 cylinder beauty - less than 23,000 miles. HAPPY EARTH DAY

WA Citarella's Skylark tweets a beautiful song to Gaia:

1965 Buick Skylark - Fireball V-6 with un-balanced firing under. Everyone smoked in '65, including the cars. Happy Earth Day. Bite me, Bloomberg!

FRIDAY APRIL 26

Just because I love machinery doesn't mean I don't appreciate natural wonders - like Linda Vaughn, Hurst's immortal Miss Golden Shifter:

And now, back to the vehicles!

Previous entries have featured Aussies and featured Mustangs, but now we have our first Aussie Mustang via Damo from the Clock:

Here is my 71 Mustang with carbon friendly 351 4V Ram Air shot near Mascot, Sydney, Australia. 

Not many environmentalists understand where food comes from. It comes from trucks, like this one belonging to real life Nebraska farmer Troy Uden:

Nobody gets under the skin of Mother Earth like a Nebraska farmer does so this year I submit my 1994 Dodge 4x4 with the legendary Cummins Turbo Diesel engine. It wasn't digging deep enough (or long enough) ruts in the dirt so I had the engine turned up to 1,000 lb ft of torque at the crank, beefed up the transmission, put some new tires on it, and even glued on some shiny rust covers on the side. This thing is such a "Greenie" that the engine doesn't even make black clouds of smoke. I hope that won't get it kicked out of your party. Here is my truck's theme song. 

Exciteable lad Steve "Big Balls" Abbott gets exclamatory about his beloved 2-wheeled ocean liner:

Now THIS is a middle finger to Mother Gaia!  1,834 CC's!  6 Cyl. Pumping pure Gaia tears as the throttle is opened to rocket this baby to 130 MPH!  Hard cornering and sudden planned stops and burnouts both use precious rubber from Gaia's Rubber factory and sends blue heavenly vapors into the air!  Comfort!  Hell yes!  If you are going to go out and besmirch the planet, why not do so in style and a look that all the Dames say "Hey Big Boy, want to give me a ride"…  Then I flip up the visor on my Arai and they know that they have messed with a manly man and they buckle a little in the legs!  Sorry Babe!  This is about IowaHawk you ignorant Sl_t!  Yea, it's a rice burner, but it's my rice burner and 100% American Made!  So suck it Harley!

Ohioan Brian Borger shares his ginchy Poncho ragtop:

Dusky glamour shot of my 1968 Firebird.  Not perfect yet, but getting better all the time.  A lot of refined, dead-dinosaur fluid has flowed through the  4-barrel, the combustion by-products of which exit through a healthy set of headers and catalyticless dual exhaust pipes. 

Eric Haverhill offers this tribute to Britain's V12 carbon-spewin', beer-smugglin' RAF flyboys of WW2:

Today’s modern day Neville Chamberlains concern themselves with battling global warming, organizing senseless Earth day rallies, denouncing violence, and composting their girlfriend. Yet, the brave gentlemen of the Greatest Generation had a far more pressing fight to concern themselves with:  Defending their home land from invading Nazi’s.  In her wisdom, Gaia recognized this injustice and donated some of her precious resources to build and fly these magnificent fighting Spitfires.  Thanks to excellence of design combined with a little luck, it was found that beer kegs would bolt right into the place of the auxiliary fuel tanks.  After delivering a right proper pummeling to the enemy, the pilots of these craft would return to their home land transporting barrels of carbonated barley goodness graciously donated by Gaia (and a few ungrateful Nazi Krauts) as rewards for their bravery.  If they flew high enough and for adequate duration, the brew would be chilled plenty cold for the warriors for freedom and democracy to enjoy upon their return. 

Tally Ho, Gentlemen! Citizens of the free world thank you for your brave service!

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. When America was at its peak power, mighty land barges roamed the Earth - and Jason T has the land-bargiest of them all:

The 1959 Lincoln Continental Mark IV is 19' and nearly three tons of American Steel. One of the largest and most expensive American cars of its era, it was the pinnacle of domestic luxury. Getting at most 10MPG out of the venerable 430MEL engine when in perfect shape, my old beater probably tops out at 4MPG. It's a long long way from its former glory and while it kind of smells like a gutter, it's still looking up at the stars...

Having grown up on an all-International Harvester farm, you can imagine my delight at this rustic entry from KC Sorenson in Old Blighty:

International Harvester B414 (The B stands for British) 43.5 horsepower diesel. Built around 1962. Runs great on red-dyed, high sulphur fuel. Room for 2, if one passenger is a grand daughter. Great for ripping up Mother Earth.

What do Iowahawk readers do when presented with a peppy compact? Stuff it with an all-aluminum V8, top it with a fleet of Webers, and go racin'. From my Chicagoland buddy Jim Fuerstenberg:

This is the MGB GT V8 race car owned by a friend and which I have been fortunate enough to race.

Californian "Juanito Cabrone" shares his hardluck pickemup truck "Smash-O" which has survived several eco-terrorist attacks: 

Here's my 2005 F150 Supercrew with the 4.6 V8 delightfully handing out about 19MPG Highway and 14MPG city - This young lass attempted to park her Toyota in the back of my thirtsy half ton. Her Toyota left on the hook for the great scrapyard in the sky. My Ford's in the body shop being fitted with it's FIFTH bumper and set of fenders - since this was the fourth time I've been rear-ended in it in the past five years.

Wroarrr! Mark Eaton prefers the Mustang's FoMoCo stablemate:

My 1968 Mercury Cougar XR7-G. It was a special model advertised by Dan Gurney, and is one of 631 made. Ford J-code 302 under the hood. Manages about 18 miles a gallon on premium which is a miser compared to my first car – a 1968 Cougar with a 2 barrel 390 X-code. I was lucky to get 8 mpg back in the early 80s. But then again, gas was a buck a gallon.

My Iowa homeland homie Clarke Van Meter puts his carbon offerings in the service of Demon Alcohol:

My 1991 C1500 does its part at only 12mpg but I feel my inner Al Gore just a little bit when I fire up my brew kettle with enough output to heat a 8200 sq ft house.  220,000 BTU's and uses 'em all.

THURSDAY APRIL 25

A few have asked about progress on my '32 Ford 5-window, a/k/a the Coupe of Wrath. Here's a pic from this week showing the shiny altar wherein the sacrifice of fuel and fire will be made. All will be revealed soon.

Ahh, nothing like a wooded natural glen filled with wild horses. From Tarheel stater Larry Card: 

This is my 2011 Mustang GT/CS convertible. I haven't done many mods yet, but with 412 stock HP it has all the power I need, capable of shredding Pirelli P-Zeros at the press of the loud pedal. She did 13.2 at the dragstrip with the top down and me at the wheel, I wonder what she's capable of with a halfway competent driver and the top up.

LANDSHARK! Henry from Virginia sez 454 cubes are not enough for his 'Vette:

Below is my testimonial to the objectives of Earth Day: A completed, four-year restoration of my 1972 454 (now 461) Corvette. Whereas the original got 13-15 mpg, my rebuild gets 15-18 mpg and produces not 350 hp at the crank, but 410 hp. In recognition of this throwback, power to the people production, my wife has agreed to take her bra off before entering the car and I've been asked to go commando.

My old Portland drinkin' buddy Steve Carlson offers up a couple of family keepsakes, with his mom performing modeling duties:

The '36 Ford was my Dad's first car, acquired in 1939. He pretty much did everything to it (there was a garage across the street from his house). The pic was taken in the summer of 1941 with my Mom---they had been married less than a year. In six months, everything would change on December 7, 1941. Dad had various rides during WWII, but his Lockheed P-38J Lighting with two 1,875HP Allison engines had the most raw horsepower.

During the war most of the chrome and other metal trim was removed from the '36 for scrap metal drives, and the it was kind of sad-looking when they traded it in for the "I8NY" 1948 Packard with the Straight Eight. The Packard photo was taken on a road trip to Washington State's Olympic Peninsula in 1949. I remember the Packard as we had it until the late 1950's, although it was replaced with a 1955 Chevy Bel Air with the 265 small-block V8 with the "Super Power Pack" option.

Ahoy there mateys! Seadog Greg Malarik say anchors aweigh and sets a course for eco adventure aboard his personal Gaia Love Boat:

My Global Warmer. '72 Hatteras Convertible. She has 2 giant diesels slurping down 30 gallons an hour and holds 12 gallons of oil between them, of which a lot makes it past the seals and into the fire. On cold mornings she makes enough smoke to kill every mosquito within 200 hundred yards. And a proven fish killer. EcoCarnage.

Cheesehead Vegas Nelson doesn't let a little snow keep him from climate activism:

Just because we are having the Winter-that-never-ends up in northern Wisconsin this year, that doesn't mean we are still hibernating. This little toy has been "spewing" global warming all Winter, and now that the plow's off we can really have some fun in the woods. More carbon, the lake still has 15" of ice on it 2 weeks from fishing opener! Spew, Spew SPEW!

Another impressive Aussie entry (big hat tip to my good mate Tim Blair) from Pat Heuvel of Lysterfield, Victoria. Pat explains how he's doing his part to keep the Southern Hemisphere warm:

While my ride doesn't suck through our fossil friends like that of Mr Wilcox, I do ride mine every working day 32km to and from work. And this baby just lurves the 98 octane juice... you're welcome, Gaia. Anything I can do to help.

WEDNESDAY APRIL 24

Speed scofflaw Red in Austin shares this picture of his Cobra straight from a Junior Brown song:

Yes, it’s a pretend wanna-be, but it’s my pretend wanna-be, and the motor was built, plasti-gaged, and torqued-to-spec by me with the help of a couple of good friends and a surprisingly little loss of knuckle skin, and it’ll burn extra hydrocarbons (in the form of melted rubber) all the way through 2nd gear. 

Well-heeled California environmentalist "T. Boddington Howell the 1st" sings the praises of recycling:

Attached is a photo of Mathilde, a 1971 Mercedes Benz 280SE 3.5 V8 coupe. She was liberated from a dysfunctional Chinese grad student at a very reasonable cost, and is in the process of a painstaking refit & refurb. Funny how those little bitty parts I thought were $9.95 turned out to be 89 Reichsmarks (36 Euros). Over and over and over.

The Germans have a sadistic tendency, but having had Mathilde restored to me I am now a good Earth Citizen having saved the planet from all of the extra carbon, steel, plastics, leather and lubricants that would have been necessary to build a replacement Hyundai. Doing one’s part is simply good form, you know.

Lovey and I would welcome you to cruise the Coast one summer evening as we swill martinis at some roadside café’.

Fred Boness shows that nothing adds to the beauty of a windswept seascape like a 4WD diesel:

This is one of five thousand Diesel Jeep Liberty SUVs built in 2005. It uses a Detroit Diesel Motori four cylinder, 2.8 liter, turbocharged Diesel that Jeep uses mostly in Europe where Diesel is more popular.

Newspaper columnist/Internet sensation Don Surber likes the wind to toussle his silver locks behind the wheel of his ragtop Mustang:

Sure my 2010 Mustang GT is only 300+ ponies and it gets 22 MPG -- but what it lacks in low-MPG it makes up in mileage. I drive it aimlessly for countless miles when the weather is sunny and bright and thanks to Global Warming, the number of Top Down Days is increasing. Win,Win. Best of all, I'm from Cleveland originally so I have a lower threshold for warmth. For example, it was 35 degrees when that photo was taken in Lewisburg, West Virginia, last November. (Proof: I'm wearing two shirts)

Mark from Brisbane is proud of his four-wheeled tribute to the Australian spirit:

Behold my magnificent white V8 Leyland P76! The type turns 40 this year. It’s quintessentially Australian. It is the only passenger car ever fully designed and built in Australia. It was about 15 years ahead of its time, pioneering many features now common in cars. And it was completely buggered up by lazy, greedy, retarded  Australian unionists and godawful management. You can’t get more Australian than that.

It replaces my previous Leyland, which went (aiyoh!) the way of the Viking.

Martin Penn says 3 wheels are better than 2:

My Triumph Rocket III is the world's most powerful production motorcycle to date. She has a 2.3l engine and outputs 140bhp. The two-wheeler version weighs almost a third of a ton and manages around 30mpg. My trike conversion makes her even heavier and thirstier. I have also added lots of weighty, chrome-encrusted bits of motorcycle bling. I ride whenever weather permits (thanks to global warming the riding season is longer than ever!) and I just love her Gaia-wasting performance.

Amanda Bland's old man's Mustang is anything but a bland old man's car:

Put this on your blog!!

TUESDAY APRIL 23

I always wait in eager anticipation for the entries of Scott Wilcox, who has participated in every edition of the Earth Week Cruise. Once again, he does not disappoint: 

I would like to submit my current ride for your consideration for the 2013 Earth Day Cruise In. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing and there is never enough horsepower. Therefore I hit the tracks with my 2012 Aprilia RSV4 Factory. Sucking down VP110 by the gallon while shredding Michelins by the trailer load it leaves black strips down Gaia’s backside exiting corners. When delivering it’s 200hp to the rear wheel the MILF just screams for more. Mother Earth has never been more satisfied. I’m proudly doing my part to defile the old women!

Shaken not stirred: my NY buddy (and Earth Day Cruise-In veteran) Charles Glasser blows the winter cobwebs from the pipes of his swanky '70 Jag E-Type in this inspiring video:

Mr. Glen is harboring Public Enemy #1 in his garage:

Here's my 2013 F150 SVT Raptor. 6000 pounds of dead-dinosaur-burning 6.2L V8 power and winner of the EPA's prestigious worst pickup truck for the planet award.

My Milwaukee buddy Bruce Rudy believes in using renewable locavore biofuels, so he built this eco-conscious injected alky-powered dragster:

Runs on alcohol so not much carbon to offer but here's 40 acres of corn burnt up.

Bruce, as it turns out, is also the new owner of my old beloved Coupe of Justice. To let you know it's in good hands, he sends this update pic of the ol' heap sporting some cute fender candy:

Sensitive artist Casey Craig explains this handsome sculpture:

Everything is bigger in Texas....especially the carbon footprint of my beloved 1969 Mach 1 Mustang. 

Aussie Peter Munro rules the Outback in his FJ: 

Here's my 4 litre FJ Cruiser, fitted with huge steel crash barrier thing called a "Bullbar" in Australia. Not only is it a bush bashing behemoth, totally useless for anything except tearing up Gaia's carefully tended gardens, it runs on Premium (95 Octane) fuel at a rate that would put a B-52 bomber to shame.

MONDAY APRIL 22

Canuck correspondent David McEwen shares a pic from his carbon-burning glory days:

My gradeschool/highschool/university buddy just sent me a picture of me on my 1972 Kawasaki S2 350cc 2-stroke, coming down from a launch wheelie, taken in about 1974. Encouraged by comments on Wattsupwiththat, here is the evidence. I still have the engine (S/N S2E27736) and other parts and know where the rest of her is (in a barn just out of town). I traded her in for her big sister, a 1974 H2 750cc with expansion chambers, K&N filters and multiple electronic upgrades. Happy to spew blue fog and keep the mosquitos down in Calgary, Alberta, Canada while giving the local tuners a quick history lesson.

Down in Tennessee, Jimmy Hogan made himself a Frankenstein Miatastang (build pics here):

Here's my 5.0l Fuel injected V8 Miata for your consideration.  We really got in the spirit of 'Earth Day' with a little Red-Neck conservation -- by taking two cars destined for the scrap-yard and creating one awesome asphalt-eating, carbon-spewing beast!  The Prius owners simply do not get my personalized tag.

Reader "John" owns the biggest environmental threat in Flint, Michigan (next to Michael Moore):

  

My 1954 Willys Utility Wagon. The original anemic 75 hp but torquey 115 ft-lbs Flathead 6 cylinder, has been replaced by an equally anemic Chevy 4.3l V-6.  Helping burn Mother Nature's precious bodily fluids are the original 4.10 geared axles and it's aerodynamics reminicent of a brick.  It is one of the greenest 4x4s I know of in its 80s GM metallic green.

Eastbound and down! Texan Emily Warner shows off the family ThunderChicken:

We have a 1974 Pontiac Trans Am SD 455 sitting in the garage. It's loud and gets about 2 mpg and burns through oil. I think my husband and I will take turns taking it to some of the more liberal Austin neighborhoods and burn rubber. We'll have to add the "STOP GLOBAL WHINING" bumper sticker to the back. 

Holy Carroll Shelby: Like me (see below) Arizona's Michael Perkins drives a Ford. Except his GT500 King Cobra has 2x the horsepower of mine - in each and every one of its 8 cylinders:

I'll be taking this out & vigorously massaging the gas pedal. For the kids, of course.

I will kickoff this year's parade with the newest addition to the Iowahawk green fleet: the 1929 Ford Model A Roadster of Love. Unrestored original paint, canvas top, mechanical brakes, and determined lil' 40 hp flathead 4-banger capable of propelling it to breakneck 55 mph top speeds (well, okay, with a tail wind). And at 25 mpg, by far the most efficient 4-wheeled vehicle in my garage. The perfect hoopty for traveling America's gravel backroads, stealing pie from the windowsills of unsuspecting farm wives. Plus a rumble seat for bathtub gin and comely coeds! 23 Skiddoo!  

That Was the Week That Was

(with apologies to Billy Joel)

At the Boston Marathon, someone set us up the bomb
Backpack tax attacks, at least that's what they say
Talking heads smelling Tea, live on MSNBC
New York Times solving crimes, suspects the NRA
Journalist, media, Google Wikipedia
Experts, head hurts, CNN's a wreck
In their guts, they see nuts, homegrown Boston Patriots
APB for Tom Brady, hunt for Belichek 

This was a one week cycle
It started Monday
And drug on to Sunday
This was a one week cycle
No I didn't need it
But I tried to tweet it

Gosnell trial, victim pile, coverage in a little while
News vans, spray-on tans, updates overnight
Michael Moore connects the dots, Alex Jones detects the plots
Blogger dope holds out hope the perpetrator's white
Hot mess PBS sanity under stress
Mississippi senator gets something in the post
Slicin', dicin', envelope of ricin
Perry White Daily Planet, Great Caesar's Ghost

This was a one week cycle
It started Monday
And drug on to Sunday
This was a one week cycle
No I didn't need it
But I tried to tweet it

What was that? Something loud, in Texas there's a mushroom cloud
Gun check vote wreck, Obama hissy fit
Minnesota snowstorm, kegger at the bomber's dorm
Labor force getting worse, economy is shit
Oh noes, photos, big nose frat bros, 
Asia shakes, China quakes, nature on a bender
Ricin perpetrator is an Elvis imitator
He wrote, I quote, Return to Sender

This was a one week cycle
It started Monday
And drug on to Sunday
This was a one week cycle
No I didn't need it
But I tried to tweet it

Shootout with a highjacked cahh, pahked across from Hahvad Yahd
In a twist, with COEXIST upon its bumper sticker
One down, one to go, sleeper cell rodeo
Number two might be Hindu, the plot is getting thicker
Terrorist on the loose, the Chechens have come home to roost
Inconvenient time to be for immigration amnesty
Beantown lockdown, Euro's in a meltdown
Meanwhile in Watertown the whole thing is going down

This was a one week cycle
It started Monday
And drug on to Sunday
This was a one week cycle
No I didn't need it
But I tried to tweet it

North Korea rattles sabers, reporters interview the neighbors
Mommy says the boys were good, perhaps a bit misunderstood
Dzhokhar, Smoker, Midnight Toker
Apprehended by police, FBI chases geese
First reports turned out wrong, nothing more here, move along
It's very rude to conclude what has turned out to be true  
What is this shit? Looks like I picked 
A bad week to quit sniffing glue

This was a one week cycle
It started Monday
And drug on to Sunday
This was a one week cycle
No I didn't need it
But I tried to tweet it

I'm Ba-ack

... from Austin, TX with these ginchy photos of the 12th annual Lone Star Round Up hot rod and custom extravaganza.

I'm also semi-back from my self imposed blogging exile, and plan to resume assaulting your sensibilities here at Iowahawk again soon. In the meantime, you can catch me on Twitter, Facebook, and my new perch at Breitbart's Conversation.

Dead? Hell, I ain't even got started yet.

And now, enjoy some hot rod eye candy.

White House Scientists Struggle to Contain Outbreak of Scrutonium

WASHINGTON DC - Engaged a relentless battle against time and fatigue, a select group of message scientists assembled by the White House's Center for Narrative Control say they will take "all steps necessary" to contain a recent outbreak of scrutonium, a deadly poll-eating supervirus that attacks the immuno-hope system, leaving victims vulnerable to material facts.  

"Failure is simply not an option," said an exhausted Mission Chief David Axelrod. "If left unchecked, this virus may actually force us to move back to Chicago."

The recent re-infection of scrutonium into the body politic has been a harrowing turn of fortune for Axlerod and his scientific team. In November 2008, they had declared scrutonium "all but extinct," although they kept small amounts of the strain for use in laboratory experiments with Republican tax returns. It was thought to be in containment as recently as five weeks ago, with scientists citing poll results showing resistance to doses of unemployment previously considered fatal.

All that changed on September 12 after an unexpected outbreak in Benghazi, Libya. Although it caught Axlerod and his team by surprise, they were temporarily able to keep it under control with a regimen of YouTube blame therapy and gaffe-meme injections. But the new Benghazi strain proved stubbornly resistant, and has continued to slowly spread.

Amid their battle to contain the Benghazi strain, a second - and even more deadly - outbreak appeared in Denver on October 3. Nicknamed "the Doomsday Strain", the Denver scrutonium virus has thusfar been impervious to any attempt at containment.

"We're dealing with the ultimate buzzkiller here," said Senior Narrative Engineer Stephanie Cutter. "This one directly attacks voters' ability to hallucinate happy thoughts, or even ignore the obvious - no matter how many squirrels we innoculate them with."

Despite all-out efforts to contain the virus, by Friday daily internal gauge readings at CNC headquarters indicated a public opinion disaster was in the making. In order to buy time, Axlerod called on reserves from the 101st Media Narrative Squadron.

"With a virus this aggressive, you need boots on the ground to help fight any new outbreak and sterilize the area with distractions," said CNC jounalistic affairs liaison David Plouffe. "Luckily, the 101st is highly trained, unquestioningly loyal, and completely immune to all known post-2008 strains of scrutonium."

"That Mitt Romney sure seemed awful testy, didn't he?" said hazmat-suit clad Lt. Ben Smith of the 101st's Politico Company, sweeping the rubble of Denver for trace readings of scrutonium.

While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep beneath the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington as we know it. Although all their experiments have thusfar proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.

"If I've learned anything in this job, it's that hope is a strategy," he said, wiping flopsweat from his combover.

"For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure Wednesday night," he added.

Stars Get In Your Eyes

 

Special Iowahawk Guest Commentary
By Barack Obama, Stargazer-in-Chief 

When I learned of the untimely passing of Neil Armstrong I was, like all Americans, deeply moved and saddened. I share your sense of loss for this American hero, even if his fame had been eclipsed by others over the years. But in our shared moment of grief, let us also celebrate his historic accomplishment in becoming the first astronaut eulogized by me, Barack Obama, our nation's historic first African-American president.

Neil's passing gives all of us all pause to consider deeper questions. What does it mean for the future of space exploration? How proud would Neil have been to have a famous historic president refer to him by first name? And, most importantly, how did his death inspire that historic president to make ever more gigantic leaps for mankind?

For one thing, it inspired me to venture off on a historic twilight photo mission in a Maryland cabbage field. There I stood, gazing into the night sky, providing a dramatic backlit silhouette of inspiration for generations of future space explorers. In the centuries to come, space fans around the world will look to this indelible dorm poster image of Barack Obama, representing humankind's enduring pioneering spirit of exploration, and be spurred to dream their impossible dreams of Obama-like accomplishment.

As I stood looking into the night sky, at the billions upon billions of stars twinkling across their celestial field, amid the clicking of the photographer's shutter, I couldn't help but wonder if there were other life forms - perhaps other civilizations - out there. If so, were they looking back at us? Could they have powerful enough telescopes to see our planet in detail, and to observe the many ways I have worked tirelessly to make Earth a better place? Has my example served as an inspiration to the faraway aliens to work for their own extraterrestrial hope and change? 

It was a moment that drove home to me just how significant I am in the grand scheme of things. As a result, I returned to the Oval Office with a renewed spirit to push the envelope, to strike out into the unknown, whether it be the vast expanses of space or the 2013 federal debt ceiling.

Yes, it is true that only a select few of us can ever aspire to be a Neil Armstrong or a Barack Obama. But I hope Neil and I have encouraged you to enrich yourselves from that vast, rich, empty blinking array of stars.

Which reminds me, I have another fundraising trip to George Clooney's house next week.

They Fly Through the Air With the Greatest of Ease

Wings and Wheels: vistas from the Hawkperch as we watched the Blue Angels and other attractions at the Chicago Air and Water Show yesterday. Plus bonus photos of Cruise Night at Buffo's!