Dedicated to
the victims of beheading, the beheaders.
Characters:
Bilal the Beheader: Victim of Britain and liberal
secularism and neo-liberalism
Steve Cornwall. Former Guardian journalist turned
conservative. Promoter of white privilege and neoliberal double standards and
secular fundamentalism. Betrayed humanity by disagreeing with the Guardian.
Forces Bilal to kidnap him after being critical of Moazzam Begg’s beard.
Setting: a
warehouse near Milton Keynes, being broadcast on the internet.
Emotions
evoked by this play: Stunning, brave, fearless,
passionate, edgy, truthful, poignant
Opening
scene. Bilal has his knife to Michael’s throat:
Steve: Hey wait, don’t you support
Manchester United
Bilal: Yeah. Hey we have so much in
common. But you radicalised me by saying Moazzam Begg isn’t fit to sell books
promoting Jihad anymore.
Michael: Hey Islamic Spain was a bastion of
tolerance.
Bilal: Yes. But its refusal to be owned by
a Caliphate now is oppressive and responsible for your beheading.
Final
Scene: Steve sees evil of not being a believer and apologises to Bilal for
forcing him to try to behead him. Joins DECAP, the Beheading Rights Org. Rejoins
the Guardian. White people weep and apologise to all Salafis in England. Social
Justice wins. Corbyn reverts to Islam becomes Prime Minister.
Just got an e-mail from a white Lefty apologising for ISIS type secularists who castrate community leaders by not letting me squat on them.
My name is White Lefty and I am writing on behalf of all humanity with correct-thought to
apologise for ISIS type secularists who castrate community leaders by not
letting you squat on them.
As a White Lefty who craves to have my
face squatted on by community leaders like you in order to embody the
relationship that deserves to exist between oppressed community activists and
genocidal pigs who disagree with justice, in other words, everyone you oppose,
I promise I will do everything in my power to bring your enemies to
disgrace by sulking about them.
As someone who personally follows Sharia
law in every aspect in solidarity
with your struggle against those who oppose you, along with only eating Vegan meat and smoking
Guatemalan cheese in solidarity with shanty town uprisings, you represent the
best hope for the Left.
I pledge to publish with gusto and stipends from progressive Islamists word-shaming of all traitor Native
Informant cannibals who betray individualism and liberalism by offending their community by refusing to suckle metaphorically from your nipples like I do. As a white lefty it is my duty to do so. Justice and peace depends on
it.
I am deeply moved to have received this compassionate e-mail message of solidarity from a leading obedient white feminist who understands how we can achieve peace and tolerance:
As a white
intersectional feminist with oxygen privilege I am compelled to support non-violent violent Islamists
as we face the common enemy of patriarchal hetero-pickled structures and white
perspiration that oppresses us equally by not killing itself. Only by
destroying the uniquely evil racist, misogynist Anglo-Patriarchy can we move onto
the next stage of liberation.
Islamists
have assured me that there is room in their utopia for a Pagan Sex-positive Vaginal-Exhibitionist
Gender-Multiplier like me in their non-hierarchical hierarchy and I
believe them because I am not phobia smeared. .
Islamist
Patriarchy is more like an Intersectional Feminist utopia and I believe them
because they are oppressed.
Yes, they
may ‘apologise’ for beheading but structural beheading by disobedience towards
cuddly sharia law is a reality in Britain too.
That is why
I support the burying alive of any opponents of them, for peace and equality.
(Glorious Leader fully in control of the situation)
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn today announced plans for a merger of the Labour Party with the progressive caliphate group CAGE.
“When Keir Hardie founded the Labour Party in 1900, he would have been delighted to welcome such a strapping bunch of men committed to a fairer society for all, especially those wanting to destroy it”
(United by beards, Keir Hardie, Labour and progressive peaceful Jihadis - the merger was inevitable)
Mr Corbyn stood beside Youseem Crazy, who kept glancing at Mr Corbyn’s neck and licking his lips.
“As progressive Jihadists who believe in a fairer world for beheaders and bombers, the Labour Party is ideally suited to progressing the values we seek to impose on Britain, by making Britain consent to bowing down to us. I totally believe that my late boyfriend, Jihadi John, would have been delighted by this merger. He was a great fan of Harold Wilson, at least, he really liked the look of his neck. The only way to stop extremism is to stop those who want to stop it. The only way to stop jihadis is to stop putting impediments in the way of them, or else who knows what may happen”
(Harold Wilson would have approved of this progressive alliance of the Left and the progressive Jihadi socialist movement)
Seumas Milne, head of strategy, communications and Stalin revisionism within Labour, said:
“For too long Britain has been ruled by parasites who suck the blood of those who wish to spill their blood. In merging Labour with this profoundly progressive advocacy group, we merge together two groups who can build a brighter future by ending the future of those who wish to oppose us. Just as comrade Stalin had the parasite Kulaks killed, so must we stand with our “extremist” comrades in hope that the parasite apostates be destroyed.”
(class parasite Kulaks had to be punished for drinking the blood of the workers, just as liberal secularist Muslims do today)
As he spoke, the journalist Peter Oborne sat in the lap of Moazzam Begg, who was stroking him like a cat. Oborne was grooming Begg’s beard, checking for lice implanted by evil secularist subversives.
Milne continued:
“Liberal Muslims are the new Kulaks who are threatening our class interests and as such we need to move to prevent isolation, unemployment, and a sense of oppression caused by having the same opportunities as everyone else into a five year plan to give all our money to potential Jihadis”
“It is imperative our economy is run to this end. We can set up socialist collectives to train young men and women into progressive forms of bomb making, grant them land on which to practise beheading on scarecrows from farms requisitioned by the state.”
(come in, come in, have a seat, how can we behead you, sorry, I meant, how can we help you?)
The Guardian journalist David Shariatmadari said:
“I can’t tell you the anonymous source who told me to say this, but this merger of the two great progressive movements of British history, and I do believe that CAGE and the Beheading Rights organisation DECAP are on a moral par with the Suffragettes, is a profound vindication of the policy of promoting extremists in order to end extremism, by the alternative method of silencing and attacking those who attack and oppose extremists.”
(Aneurin Bevan. Hero to progressive Islamists. Would have approved of the direction of today’s Labour party and Left. If you disagree you’re racist)
Owen Jones said:
“Jeremy Corbyn promised to build a coalition that would bring hope to LGBTQ’s and minorities and strike fear into the heart of the imperialist dog machine of the Tory establishment. I can’t think of any better partners than these strapping and bearded fruits of multiculturalism, whose oratory belongs beside the toe-nail clippings of Nye Bevan to be worshipped as embodiments of the struggle for equality.”
The press conference ended with a declaration of solidarity with the extremists in Paris who were described as misguided and misunderstood, and as the Labour Party delegates sang The Red Flag, the assembled beards pulled out special gimp masks and chains for them to wear.
The British government has imposed a curfew following three nights of rioting in London between minority groups fighting over which of them has the right to be represented as the next James Bond.
Obligatory scene of parliament in picturesque crisis
The producers of the spy franchise are in hiding following credible death threats believed to have come from the supporters of ‘Trans-Genders for 007’ after rumours that they were to be snubbed in favour of a Sikh James Bond.
Jamesdeep Singh Bond
This inflamed members of the Muslim community, coming so soon after negotiations between them and the unanimously self-declared leaders of the Black community signed a peace treaty on the basis of the next James Bond being Somali.
Members of the oldest established black community in Britain gathered in Brixton however, stating that given the sacrifices of West Indian soldiers in World War II and Ian Fleming having his palatial ‘Goldeneye’ residence in Oracabessa bay, it was only right that the first black James Bond be of Jamaican origin.
Evil originator of oppressive James Bond Ian Fleming spy novel extremist
This incensed members of the Lambeth Council of Rastafarians who feared that members of the Jamaican community would ‘whitewash’ Bond by making him part of the Edward Seaga establishment whilst marginalising Nyabinghi drummers from the Rasta community.
Prince Irie-Ganja of the Streatham alliance of Sellasi-ie Warriors said, ‘The time has come for James Babylon to fall’.
Jemima Cheltenham, white saviour of oppressed people everywhere, she has a permanent headache caused by being white
Jemima Cheltenham, the Guardian journalist and campaigner against those who campaign against forced marriage if they do so too stridently, who launched the movement to ban James Bond being a white English man, released a statement saying:
“It wasn’t meant to be like this. We campaigned for parliament to change the law so that the actor playing 007 be rotated by actors representing marginalised and victimised minorities so that their self-esteem could be raised and to strike a blow against the tyranny of people who just want to immerse themselves in a world of escapism and fun, full of conventions that are self-referential, witty, playful, sexy, sassy, thrilling, and transgressive in an era of neurotic deference to never ending demands of identity politics in a social media age.’
The chest hair of oppression
In Bradford, copies of Ian Fleming’s novels were burnt outside the town hall as community leaders warned of ‘alienation’ and ‘anger’ that may lead to ‘misguided’ ‘youth’ ‘misinterpreting’ the peaceful message of Jihad in a manner ‘that would be a challenge even for 007 at his best to beat’.
“As the most oppressed community in the universe we demand that James Bond be a Muslim and engaged in fighting against the evil master plans of arch criminal Maajid Blofeld Nawaz who seeks to destroy the world by disagreeing with us.”
For Your Eyes Only? No more Pussy Galore
However even within the ‘Sharia Bond’ movement there were threats of civil war when guarantees that a Muslim James Bond only interacts with women who are suitably veiled could not be given.
“As women who are liberated by saying we are liberated by wearing niqab we demand that Miss Moneypenny be suitably modest in her attire and all the women that Jamal Bond tames wear at the minimum a hijab after he has sexual intercourse with them by shaking their hands, once they have reverted to Islam”, said Shazia Khan of ‘Burqas for Bond’.
No longer acceptable
In America a hash tag movement has been re-tweeted more than a billion times, with white liberals posting pictures on Instagram of them pulling their hair out in shame of being white, after a Muslim boy was falsely accused of being Muslim after wearing a t-shirt that said ‘James Bomb 00786’ in solidarity with the discrimination Muslims in Britain face by not having control of the 007 franchise.
Opposing stereotyping of the gay James Bond movement by posting Shirley Bassey’s ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ theme here
It is understood that members of the Gay and Lesbian Campaign for Pink Bond are meeting to respond to developments.
“The urgency of the situation cannot be overstated. Our plans were for Bond to be played by lesbian and gay actors and actresses and for him to fight evil companies who stereotype gay and lesbian people as homosexual rather than normal people who do gay marriage. Our dream was to see James Bond get married to another man or woman depending if he or she was gay and lesbian, and then retire and be happy, and then to attack anyone who says that would be boring as homophobic.”
Kim Kardashian quickly does a nude Goldfinger photo shoot in case her father-in-law Caitlyn gets more publicity than her
In a stunning development, Caitlyn Jenner tweeted a picture of herself holding a Walther PKK with the message ‘I Am Blonde, I am Bond’, which was retweeted six billion times, and made the cover of Vanity Fair, Time magazine, The New York Times and Rolling Stone.
Obama - “Caitlyn Jenner’s tweet is our modern day Gettysburg Address’
Barack Obama interrupted doing nothing about Syria to give a speech in which he praised Jenner for her ‘bravery’ and compared her tweet to Abraham Lincoln’s words at Gettysburg. Across the nation demands were made for Jenner to receive awards even if they have nothing to do with her, and for anyone who disagrees with her being brave to be incarcerated for being racist.
David Cameron is holding crisis talks in the Cotswolds over the crisis, as rumours of a full scale insurrection by Feminists was being discussed on social media.
An end to all this kind of thing
A source close to the ‘Castrate Bond Caucus’ told us:
“This was supposed to end once and for all the evil of a cis-white male imposing his phallic hegemony over our society by actually existing, but we are now faced with the subversion of the original aim of destroying patriarchy by destroying fun because other minorities who claim to be more oppressed than each other fight over everything. It is a direct result of the character of James Bond, who has provoked this backlash against himself, by not doing as he was told, and he is responsible for genocide by not apologising for the crimes of everything”
“When Carly Simon sang ‘Nobody Does It Better’ as the theme song for ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ who was she referring to? Does she really think that nobody other than a straight white male can do it better? Why support this supremacist oppressive arrogance that automatically spits in the face of everyone else on Earth?”
“Anyone who enjoys ‘Spectre’ is a misogynistic racist Islamophobic homophobic trans-phobe colonialist imperialist drowner of refugees blah blah blah” complained someone who was subsequently seen enjoying the latest James Bond film immensely.
If you enjoy this film you are part of the oppression
As tension grew as various people on social media trembled with anger, rumours were that the rest of Britain got on with their lives and couldn’t care less, and were planning on enjoying the new Bond movie even if the theme tune wasn’t that good, which finally united the warring victims, in the belief that everyone else is evil and oppressing them all mercilessly.
But the world kept turning and the arc of history kept bending towards James Bond being fucking great fun movies to watch and enjoy.
Controversial controversialist, the so-called Maajid Nawaz, says things many people disagree with. So how can he be allowed to say things? David Shariatmadari investigates the enigma of a former extremist who now believes things he didn’t used to, and what this means for people already being persecuted by what he says.
(moustache imported from Nepal)
Unexpectedly, for someone who claims to be the greatest man who ever lived, the choice of venue for our interview isn’t authentic for someone who is supposedly an expert in things which community activists and leaders disagree with. He greets me with a ‘hello’, his handshake simultaneously shifty and dishonest. His reptilian eyes remind me of a snake I once saw in a dream, its sibilant hiss warning me of the destruction of the universe, if it were ever to be trusted.
(a representation of how Maajid Nawaz, on the left, entices innocent Mowgli’s with his arguments)
“Can I buy you a coffee? An esspressino perregrino perhaps? I highly recommend it with an effulgence of Perugian cream. The trick behind its exquisite flavour is that Italian milkmaids massage the udders of the cow for three days before extracting it. Lick a spoon of Tuscan truffle-teat sugar with it. Sensational.”
(Unbelievable. Who does he think he is, inviting me here?)
I watch him suspiciously, amazed that a man who claims to be opposed to religious extremism could ever drink such ostentatious coffee. I accept his offer, full of disgust that a man like this, who offends so many community leaders, drinks so-called coffee with Perugian cream, alienating so many extremists. The coffee is delicious.
(King Herod had babies killed. Maajid Nawaz offends community activists and leaders. Same thing.)
Before interviewing Nawaz, I speak to some anonymous people who know him. One of them, an anonymous source who wants to be anonymous, says 'Maajid thinks he’s amazing, but he’s not. Instead of writing and debating things in order to confront bad ideas, he should be sticking his head in the sand, which is the only way the extremists won’t be offended’.
I ask him about his pompous opinions, and whether expressing them actually increases extremism by increasing it. Predictably, he is dismissive of my brilliant, amazing point, disagreeing with it arrogantly in a manner that would alienate people and thus increase the chances of innocent people being harmed by extremists, probably.
(anonymous source spoke only on condition of being represented as a silhouette against a moody, artistic city light skyline)
Another person I spoke to, who wanted to remain anonymous, but knew Nawaz years ago, and coincidentally happened to have the exact view of the shifty collaborator as I do, said 'Maajid claims to be a normal human being who believes in liberalism and secularism. But how can he go from one extreme, believing in a supremacist caliphate, with most of humanity inferior to him, to the other extreme, believing in equality, secularism and liberal ideals? It just doesn’t make any sense. Both these positions are as extreme as the other. I hate him.“
We sip our coffees. I look around the fashionable hotel we are in. I feel disgust. Authentic people who claim to be against extremism whilst also pointing out that its all relative so don’t worry about it, would be meeting me in authentic places that are edgy and in touch with the people on the streets. For example, in the Guardian newspaper office in swish north London.
(authentic)
As he is talking
narcissistically
about what his views are, as if his views are correct, I recall someone I spoke to, anonymously, about him. A Muslim woman who wanted to stay anonymous, for anonymous reasons.
"Maajid thinks he’s so special. But he’s really not. He thinks he’s so amazing. But he’s not. He’s so arrogant, with his opinions. But they’re not his opinions. They’re the opinions of white people who he just wants to entertain by saying things. I know so many people who say he doesn’t even grow his own moustache. He has moustache hair imported from Nepal, and he has a butler apply it every morning, to try and make himself look like he’s something special. But he’s not. And he’s just alienating everyone to become extremist, even though there’s no problem of extremism’.
(the root cause of all extremism – this face)
I look at Maajid’s face, and I want to puke. It reminds me of something else someone else said about him, who wants to remain anonymous.
"Maajid Nawaz smells. He smells of poo. He looks like he smells. Really, really badly.”
I’m reminded of a comment someone made to me about him. Someone who is really authentic, and whose opinion really, really counts. Because they are amazing authentic and great, unlike the supposed Maajid Nawaz.
“He wears nice clothes. Tweed jackets, for example. And he looks like he wears shoes from a shop on Savile Row. What is he trying to hide, by wearing suits and ties? How can authentic people relate to him, and not be alienated, when he wears natty clothes? What a coconut bastard.”
(a picture of Maajid Nawaz when he is at home and has removed his mask)
I feel like vomiting again as I look at the face of this nemesis of decency and multiculturalism, and I pray to the heavens that Jeremy Corbyn should one day reign and squat over him and dissolve him with the spirit of anti-Uncle Tom disinfectant.
I return to the office needing to take a shower. Aisha Ghani asks me if I need to see a doctor. Nesrine Malik suggests I may have to go into quarantine, in case I am carrying any parasitical spores from 'Maajid Nawaz’, which are more deadly than ebola. But I tell them I’m OK. I commission some articles on how sharia law is like being tickled with a feather, and why ISIS are innocent victims of British society.
(Abdul Khalifa, moderate leader of ‘extremist’ group
Caliphate-über-Alles, indicates how many times Maajid Nawaz should be whipped, every hour)
I speak to some authentic people. Peter Trombone puts me in touch with his friend Abdul Khalifa, of the supposedly 'extreme’ group Caliphate-über-Alles". I ask him about 'Maajid Nawaz’, and he replies, amazingly authentically and truthfully,
“Yes, he was once a member of our organisation. So of course he shouldn’t be trusted. But please trust us anyway. If you don’t, people may become alienated and extreme.”
As a journalist with great integrity, I have to be objective, and I ask him about scurrilous allegations that Caliphate-über-Alles believes in a racist, supremacist, violent ideal Islamic state that would put to death Maajid Nawaz and millions of others in a theocratic theocracy. Is that true, I ask him?
“Yes. But we would do so peacefully, in a moderate way, fully in line with principles of diversity.”
I am relieved. He does believe in peaceful supremacist fascism, after all, which is an authentic cry of the oppressed. He deserves a column in the Guardian. Clearly his values are synonymous with those of the true liberal-left in Britain, unlike some people who think they’re so smart and clever.
(true progressives)
As I get ready to leave the office to chair a discussion on how Islamism is an anti-capitalist anti-austerity movement, and how forced marriage is a feminist statement, I speak to Mozarella Bogg and Youseem Crazy of the progressive beheading rights group DECAP. They confirm to me that Maajid Nawaz is responsible for everything bad, and I believe them, because they are so misunderstood and peaceful.
“One day someone is going to behead Maajid Nawaz, and it will be his own fault for provoking it. In fact he wants to be beheaded, so that he can claim that those who do so are beheaders. And then we will be the true victims of this extremism caused by those who oppose extremism without permission of community leaders, community activists, and journalists from the Guardian.”
(also Maajid Nawaz’s fault)
I look out of the window towards the lights of north London and fear for the future, where extremist anti-extremists cause extremism and alienation, and then make things worse, by opposing ideas that we don’t want to be talked about. Because we are progressives, and we must progress by embracing the regressive and not the aggressive who say things that may offend and alienate. The future of Britain as a peaceful society depends on not upsetting anyone, or else.
Above the sky the moon is full and shining. As dark clouds cover it, I see the face of 'Maajid Nawaz’ in them, turning light into darkness, and making people cry.
Walking in Ealing on a summers day on the way to conduct this interview I was reminded of the time I hit a six in Somerset whilst playing for the Old Colonials XI. The ball landed plum on Montague’s left eye, leaving it as ripe as a mango from the plains of Punjab.
I recount this tale because the man I am interviewing, Abdul Khalifa , an old friend of mine, often serves mango after dinner. His wife cooked quail biryani, the rice plaited with raisins marinaded in Grantchester cranberry wax. I’ve been friends with Abdul since we worked together on a TV documentary about why Britain is an evil, Weimar Germany era type society run by cabals of nefarious corrupt scumbags who eat Muslim babies for breakfast. Of late, it has been suggested that the organisation he is leader of, ‘Caliphate-über
-Alles" is extremist.
(an impression of how anti-extremism supremacists want you to think of Abdul Khalifa)
I put the question to him, and he is bemused.
“I find it very curious that we are described as extremist when Western society is itself full of the extremist ideology of liberalism, happiness, and secularism.”
“Crikey,” I say, unnerved by the fearless anti-establishment analysis he presents.
Abdul’s eyes glint like a tiger in the Arabian desert. I’ve known him for years. He wears a kameez-shirt from Lahore. Stitched by the descendants of the personal tailor to the Emperor Aurengzeb. I wonder, how can this man be considered extremist, when he speaks English flawlessly, is highly educated, dashing and sophisticated?
I put this question to him, because I don’t want to be accused of bias, aware I must be fearlessly objective in my interrogation.
“Peter,” he replies, like Omar Sharif approaching TE Lawrence in a golden moment from my fantasy, “Peter, Peter, Peter…..you know as I do that the world is full of people who take things out of context. And you know that there are people who have a prejudiced view of our beliefs, because they know more about them than is acceptable to us.”
His beard is virile. As virile as his analysis of our godforsaken imperfect state. I push on, unafraid to ask the difficult questions.
“Now look here Abdul, I must say. One really must address this issue straight ahead. Your organisation teaches that Britain is a filthy evil society full of intrinsically inferior specimens who deny the truth of your beliefs. In your ideal state you’d like to chop off the heads of liberal Muslims, castrate Maajid Nawaz, drop stones on the heads of sodomites, subjugate infidels, and execute anyone who jolly well doesn’t do as you say. What is your reply to this fiendish accusation made by clearly prejudiced Caliphate-o-phobic blighters?”
(happiness without getting permission from community leaders in a secular liberal society - just another form of extremism)
At this point Abdul stands up. For it is time for him to offer his evening prayer. He excuses himself and I stand at the window, watching sparrows and starlings at play in the garden. A quintessential English scene, befitting Abdul Khalifa, a quintessential Englishman embodying the eternal Anglican principles of decency, charity and virtue. He really isn’t very different from a vicar from Dorset.
(in a Caliphate every Englishman shall have his own garden or else)
I hum the sublime beauty of Vaughan Williams London Symphony: II Lento, and imagine how Williams must have been influenced by Islam, just as everything else in Britain is. He returns and considers my unbiased question.
“Peter, just look around you. Britain is not perfect. And yet we are accused of believing what we believe in. How can it be fair to even ask that question, when Britain drinks alcohol?”
I am stunned by the moral force of this argument. It really is rather compelling. He really has the ability to put his finger on the flaws of our decrepit, evil, decomposing society. He continues,
“And furthermore Peter, we live in a time of hypocrisy, in which there are hypocrites doing hypocritical things. And this is Britain, in the year 2015 Peter. And yet people persecute us by opposing what we say. Hypocrites Peter. There are hypocrites everywhere.”
“Crumbs,” I think to myself. He really does have a point about us. We really are as worthless and vile as he says we are. As an anti-establishment Tory contrarian, I cannot say I disagree with much of his passionate defence of being against everything because it is terrible. Nefarious cabals unite us.
He rubs his hands together. I imagine they have many times swept themselves over the haunch of an Arabian steed.
(Virile. Muscular. Vibrant. Compelling)
“Just look at how community leaders are being persecuted by being disobeyed. Everywhere we go we see the prejudice and bigotry of people refusing to convert to Islam. And the authorities only focus on so-called beheaders from the Caliphate State tendency. Why not focus on other beheaders, or at least wait for others to start beheading, so extremist beheaders don’t feel singled out for targeting?”
(now look here, chaps. Its just not cricket. Ordinary members of the public ask ‘why do you pick on us’?)
I really have little to say at this point. Abdul has shown that even though there are some parts of his beliefs many people will surely find curious and eccentric, even offensive, in reality we need to take a damn good look at ourselves and do as he says.
After an evening replete with stories of him hunting in the wilds of Pakhtunkhwa and Yemen I remain convinced that we are really quite outrageously disobedient. He truly is the best of Britain, and we may force him and others to become alienated and radicalised if we don’t do exactly as we’re told.
After dinner I consider cricket and our conversation.
(how we should feel for our persecution and judgement of Caliphate-
über
-Alles, vulnerable and ashamed)
It really puts our establishment, and all British people to shame. A few days later he e-mails me to correct and clarify something he said. I apologise to him for my mistakes, and thank him for letting me twirl his moustache as I left his home.
After pressing 'send’ I pour myself a brandy, and feel like Evelyn Waugh weeping for the lost purity of British fair play and the traditions where we didn’t offend anyone like 'Caliphate-
über
-Alles’. I return to my desk and send him another e-mail, this time apologising for everything in the world, and most of all, the shameful and embarassing fact of our morally decrepit and ongoing existence.
Please find enclosed my resume for application for the Vacancy of Personal Assistant and Office Administrator at Beheading Rights organisation CAGE.
I would have sent a separate resume but Western society made me too lazy and alienated to do so.
I am very good at sharpening pencils having sharpened many knives in my time.
My ambition is to work for an exciting organisation with a vibrant cut-throat atmosphere.
I believe in equal opportunities for all extremists to do what they want.
My skills with fixing faulty printers are explosive.
I am a firm believer in accountability in human resources and if my standards are not met I am not afraid to say that heads will roll.
I am a great personality and have corresponded with other personal assistants, including the PA to Beheading Bertie in Syria. He was a beautiful man, but as you know, lack of ink cartridges caused by western democracy and the racist refusal of Britain to convert to Islam pushed him over the edge.
I would tell you to ask him for a reference but he is too busy raping Yazidi girls because of Britain’s selfish ban on beheading people in the name of jihad.
I totally condemn extremist interpretations of extremism which involve killing people in offices without the permission of authentic al Qaeda scholars first and therefore qualify as a progressive Office Administrator.
Before I accept the position you are going to offer me, please be aware of the consequences for society should I become alienated by being turned down for this position.
I have many years experience of operating systems and encrypted codes should we contact progressive beheading activists for any reasons to do with Human Rights.
I look forward to joining your team soon, and having an incendiary relationship with you all.
May the beard of Shaikh Anwar al-Awlaki tickle your intimates and grant us victory over Windows 10 and the infidels!
In this brave and amazingly brave article of bravery, the high vicar of socialist Christian compassion Giles Blazer writes for the Guardian on the real issues raised by what is already being called in right-wing circles ‘the attacks on innocent tourists in Tunisia’
As I looked at the photograph of the misguided activist on the beach in Tunisia carrying the weapon he used to protest against a range of things that were caused by the West, I could not help but weep and think of Jesus carrying the cross towards Calvary.
As a progressive Christian I wept for the lost potential of this young man. But most of all I wept for myself and how sensitive I am for the plight of the oppressed, as I saw Jesus, who was a socialist, and a politician for the oppressed, in the melancholy image of this idealistic, but slightly misguided young man forced to carry out a protest against neo-liberal capitalism and British Islamophobia which manifests itself as so-called tourism.
And yes, the gun he was carrying was exactly like the cross that Jesus bore. Just as the cross represented the suffering of humanity, and the sacrifice of the son of God, so did that gun represent the cross he had to bear by the multiple iniquities of our oppression of him.
And then, I wondered whether our unfair, oppressive treatment of Luftur Rahman, the noble and brave alleviator of oppression of Tower Hamlets, may have pushed this activist over the edge. A million different offences, a million different grievances, caused by our existence, culminating in this recreation of the crucifixion, as a misguided extremist showed by his actions that he is the real victim of his killing of some people. Many of whom, incidentally, probably voted Tory at the last election.
Yes, they were sunbathing. But let us also remember, they were westerners, too.
The Crusades, an earlier form of British tourism
And let us also ask, amidst our complicity in rapacious forms of capitalism that often spark memories of the Crusades when manifested as ‘tourism’, how we are responsible for provoking further responses by how we cover the deaths.
For whilst they are certainly unfortunate deaths, by the manner in which they are being reported, full of white privilege and in a form that could be straight out of the EDL handbook, we further show our own prejudices in favour of reporting this news by reporting it. By declaring that these men and women have been ‘brutally’ shot ‘in cold blood’, we are adding to the demonization of legitimate feelings that led to this form of protest, and ensuring more people may be brutally shot in cold blood, to add to everything else we do to deserve it.
Who are the real extremists? Why is austerity considered better than jihad?
Let us mourn the dead, yes, even the Tory voters amongst them, I am a compassionate Christian, after all. But most all let us mourn for the true victim of this attack – the gunman who manifested the true spirit of Jesus, even though he was slightly misguided in how he expressed his compassion.
As Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the gunmen whose violence can be incorporated into narratives of progressive exculpation of religious extremism”
As I attend my inter-faith meeting to remember the victims of media misrepresentation of peaceful religion, I weep for the suffering of everyone. And then I realise the tears are not made of water. They are made of the excess compassion I am full of, which needs to overflow, lest I drown in my own righteousness and love.
In this hard hitting personal response to the rise of extremism and beheading caused by austerity, Britain’s leading white female convert to Islam Khadijah Burlington Smythe offers a radical and progressive solution to intolerance and the real extremism we face in Britain today.
It is Ramadan, the month of talking about Ramadan, writing articles about Ramadan, and doing Ramadan.
As Britain faces a crisis of extremism caused by its own existence, as a privileged posh white woman who reverted to Islam so I could become oppressed, my personal journey proves that there is a radical way we can defeat the radical anti-globalisation movement known as Isis.
Even though Isis has nothing to do with Islam, it is imperative we ask permission from community leaders like me who say it has nothing to do with us before doing anything about it.
random picture of Islamic Spain, signifying how everything is better under tolerant variants of al Andalus
Of course, we must not change our way of life, just because of Isis. But we can change our religion, and in doing so, prove that we are better than Isis and their beheading ways.
Even though they are actually influenced by anti-austerity grievances rather than extremist interpretations of religion, think of the moral power of Great Britain converting to Islam for a week just to show that Britain is not anti-Islamic.
Because in refusing to institute progressive sharia law and consider becoming a progressive Islamic state, doesn’t Britain feed the narrative of phobia and hostility to Islam that Isis promote?
a pictorial representation of how Britain makes the author feel
Everything in moderation, they say. Except, apparently, when it comes to Islam, and Britain refuses to even consider the moderate version that I practise as an oppressed victim of white supremacist refusal to be Muslim.
We no longer accept Trans-phobia. Why do we not accept that Britain can be Trans-Islam?
The struggle for Trans acceptance is the same as my struggle for Britain to accept it is Trans-Muslim
The only way we can defeat Islamic extremists who say that everyone should convert to Islam, is to convert to Islam, and show them that we agree with them, but in a progressive-community leader led way.
Until Britain acknowledges its hidden guilt of not being Muslim, we will only have ourselves to blame when it beheads itself to escape the hectoring of those progressives who say we should all be ashamed of ourselves.
How everyone in British society must feel about themselves if they don’t do what progressive community leaders say
Until we learn to accommodate those who don’t want to accommodate us, wishing us Ramadan Kareem will just be seen as the gesture of hatred it actually is.
Everyone should be ashamed of themselves, except for those who agree with me.