Nobody will believe this but my brother-in-law Andy has been nominated for two Academy Awards – real Academy Awards, not like the Academy Award he won at the Glitz 'n' Glam Dance Academy for Best Under-40s Beginner's Tap (though we were still very proud of his win. His solo routine to a Phantom of the Opera medley was, in a word, transformative).
But these nominations are even more glitzy 'n' glammy because they're for his sound-mixing and sound-editing achievements on the movie Hacksaw Ridge. If you've seen the film you would have definitely noticed his fine work in the battle scenes, seamlessly blending the sound of exploding soldier-faceparts with the sound of goopy burst-throat death-moans. And somewhere in the mix, a subtle open-belly intestinal burble.
![Hacksaw Ridge: in some scenes the cinema actually rumbled from the intensity of the battle noises, mostly coming ...](/web/20170304013419im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/i/h/s/a/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gujuy0.png/1487916408194.jpg)
Intestinal burble is his trademark. It's what sets him apart in the highly competitive movie-sound-mixing and sound-editing industrial sector.
In fact I'd go so far as to say Andy's sound-work is what makes Hacksaw Ridge so effective: in some scenes the cinema actually rumbled from the intensity of the battle noises, mostly coming through the cinema speakers, partly coming from Tram 67 to Carnegie passing outside every 19 minutes.
And it made me wonder why the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences doesn't hand out awards to all the other behind-the-scenes film professionals who were crucial to the success of movies. There are Oscars for sound, editing, cinematography, costumes, music, but this year there should also be Oscars for ...
Best Mantelpiece Bric-a-Brac Positioner: This award would go to the Bric-a-Brac Positioner on the movie, Jackie, an intimate character-study about the wife of President Kennedy and how vases can be arranged behind her in pairs, but at other times, in groups of three, sometimes boldly matched with a candelabra. The movie was slow and I have no idea what it was about – I think someone got killed at some point – but the background bric-a-brac always kept me engrossed and completely enchanted.
Best Closing-Credit Tear Duct-Manipulationist: Lion is a shoo-in for this award. I heard that it was a sad film but I got through the first half without a sniffle. Got through the second half: not a single tear duct secretion. Got to the closing credits, haha, I made it all the way through without crying, you failed Lion, YOU FAILED ... then 17 seconds later they cut to some documentary footage, they played some soaring music, and my eyeballs broke. Stuff you, Closing-Credit Tear Duct-Manipulationist! Nobody makes me secrete against my will! Nobody!
Best Kiwi Rub-It-Inner Who Reminds Australians Of Our Stagnant Film Industry: Come up and accept your Oscar, Taika Waititi, for directing Hunt for the Wilderpeople and making thousands of Aussie cinema-goers sit in their cinema seats and think, "Why can the Kiwis make an offbeat indie film that delights and amuses the whole world, and yet nobody goes to see our offbeat Aussie films about ice-addicted suicidal cops tracking down backpacker-killers on desolate stretches of coastline. I don't get it. What are we doing wrong?"
A final Oscar prediction for 2017. If my brother-in-law wins best sound-mix and/or sound-editing for Hacksaw Ridge, he will give a very gracious acceptance speech mentioning how I am a constant inspiration in his life. If you don't hear it, it's because he sound-mixed it down low, and sound-edited it nice and tight. But it's there, it's definitely there.
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