BlameBush!

It's Official: Republicans Hate Sex

Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!  Bush is out, Obama is in, and a rightfully Democratic Congress is poised to pass a comprehensive stimulus package that will pull us out of the Great Depression II and put the Bush years behind us once and for all!  It's as if the entire world has wheezed a sigh of relief. For the first time in my life, I am proud of my country.

But when I woke up this morning, the Repugs had already ruined it for me. It appears that the few remaining neocons in Congress have scuttled a key provision of the stimulus package that would've provided free contraception for ordinary Americans.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GODDESS IS THEIR PROBLEM? WE WON THE ELECTION, DAMMIT, NOT THEM!  AMERICANS VOTED UNANIMOUSLY FOR CHANGE LAST NOVEMBER, SO REPUBLICANS NEED TO EITHER STOP OBSTRUCTING OBAMA AND OBEY HIM, OR JUST SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND LET DEMOCRATS FIX THE MESS BUSH MADE! 

And if there's one thing that can jump start an ailing economy, it's FREE RUBBERS!

Think about it. You lost your job. They've foreclosed on your home. You have nothing left in your pockets but a couple bucks and a handful of condoms. So you go downtown and pick up a 2-dollar whore to help you forget your troubles. The hooker gives your money to her pimp, who uses it to buy some bling at the pawn shop. The pawnbroker spends his money on some more expensive hookers, who are freelancing to pay their tuition at Berkeley. Their Gender Studies professym makes a downpayment on a new hybrid car. The car dealership buys more hyrids from the manufacturer to meet the rising demand. Autoworkers get a little extra in their paychecks. Once you subtract taxes and union dues, they have just enough left to go downtown a pick up a 2-dollar whore. The cycle begins anew.

Trickle-down Reaganomics are a failed philosophy, as the current state of our economy has shown. Trickle-UP economics will be the way of our Brave New World, but it won't work if Republicans don't get over their hang-ups about sex.

Goose-Murdering Lunatic Worshipped as a "Hero"

At exactly 9:30 AM on January 15, 2009, a flock of unsuspecting geese was sucked into the engines of United Airways Flight 1549 out of New York's La Guardia airport. Karma, it seems, wasted no time catching up with the sinister aircraft, for it suddenly spiraled out of control and plunged into the icy water of the Hudson River. Save for the passengers and crew, there were no survivors.

Desperate for another "Joe the Plumber" to ruin Obama's historical day in the sun, the Right Wing Media is hailing the pilot of the Death Plane, Chelsey Sullenberger III, as a "hero". Excuse me, but if I moseyed on down to the local park and took a weed-whacker to a flock of endangered waterfowl, they'd lock me up and throw away the key - and rightly so. Indeed, in a sane, rational, progressyve world, Sullenberger would be frog-marched out of the airport in leg irons. Instead, he gets the key to the city and gushing adoration from the so-called "unbiased press". Worse of all, he shows absolutely no remorse for the lives he destroyed.

"After the crash, (Chauncy Goose-Slayer III) was sitting there in the ferry terminal, wearing his hat, sipping his coffee and acting like nothing happened," one eyewitness complained.

 "That guy is one cool customer," a horrified airlines official wept. "He was...behaving like it was just another day at the office."

No shame. No guilt. No conscience. That's the mark of a true sociopath. Kind of reminds you of certain chimpy someone who is at this moment enjoying the last of his stolen days in the White House, doesn't it?

Sadly, both Charles Winchester III and George W. the Shrub will most likely never be tried for their crimes against either humanity or Anatidae. One can only hope that as investigators sift through the mangled, mutilated remains of the slaughtered geese, new evidence will come to light that will put both these murderous neocon bastards behind bars forever.

Book Review: Ann Bimbot Coulter's Guilty

The was a rumor going around that Nazi bimbot, Ann Coulter, had a new book out - so I checked my testicles and sure enough, they were the size of peas. Every time that venom-spewing slut releases one of her right-wing hate screeds, my gonads shrivel up like shrinky-dinks in a microwave. This, her latest in a long line of racist tomes, must be a real doozy because my family jewels haven't been this tiny since Sarah Palin put lipstick on a pit bull. 

It's like waking up in the morning to discover that someone performed gender reassignment surgery on you in your sleep. The bad news is that it makes it next to impossible to write an informative, comprehensive review of the hatemongering hater's book without it deteriorating into a series of catty remarks about her hair, or those bony elbows and cottage cheese thighs of hers...not to mention that bowling ball-sized Adam's apple. And she has the GALL to criticize Michelle Obama's pantsuits? HOW DARE SHE?! She looks like someone who just crawled out of a David Bowie look-alike contest in a concentration camp. The only reason the right-wingers like her is because she's so damn HOT. Ooooohh I could just SCRATCH HER PRETTY LITTLE EYES OUT!!!!

Whoo! There I go again.  My estrogen is through the ROOF right now. Can you imagine what would happen if I actually read her book? My genitals would dwindle away completely, to be replaced by a huge, gaping hole from which nothing - not even light - could escape.  That might get me a job writing op-eds for the Huffington Post or the New York Times, but it just try sitting at a desk with office products, heavy machinery, and entire families of undocumented workers spiraling into the dark vortex of your mangina. I don't know how Paul Krugman does it.

So as much as it pains me to say it, I won't be reviewing the hussy's book this time. In fact, I'm going to stay as far away from it as possible. If you value your chestnuts, I suggest you do the same.

Yes Virginia, There is a Muntadhar al-Zaidi

I crawled out of my flotation tank this morning after a long winter's nap, and I was a little disheartened to not find any holiday gift packages on my doorstep. I guess with Bush's economy in the crapper, people just aren't filled with the Winter Solstice spirit this year. But when I got online and saw the now famous video taken at another Bush Baghdad photo op, it was like the early vernal equinox had come early to the Chomstein household.

"This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog," Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi shouted in Arabic as he tossed a pair of size 10 Buster Browns at the cowering Shrub. "This is for the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq so you could steal our oil and give tax cuts to the wealthiest one percent of Americans!"

Being pelted with shoes is considered a grave insult in Islamic cultures, but in the West only women and effeminate men throw their footwear when they're pissed off about something. So al-Zaidi's courageous outburst struck a chord with Progressives here in the states. The RethugniKKKans can have Joe the Plumber (and all his personal records back, too). At last, WE have a regular human being that WE can identify with, someone who puts a voice to our anger and speaks the words we have longed to be spoken, but that no one would hear. Best of all, he hasn't exploded in a crowded market or sawed someone's head off on the internet yet.

So here's to Muntadhar al-Zaidi, Man of the People. There's a Pulitzer Prize and a job waiting for him at CNN if he ever gets out of Bush's torture chamber.

Dec. 10 is National Gay the Day Away Day

In an organized protest against California's Proposition 8 (i.e. The Gay Holocaust), gays and lesbians across the world will walk off their jobs tomorrow. So if you need your hair done or your condo redecorated, do it tonight.

I was planning on taking the day off, too, but my bigot of a boss informed me that since I'm not gay, but merely metrosexual, I would have to come in to work. Suddenly, I know how the Jews in Nazi Germany must have felt.

So to show solidarity with my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, I am refusing to whine, whimper, sashay, simper, nance or prance for the remainder of the week. I'd ask to all to join in, but I've vowed not to stage any organized hissy fits, either.

That'll show those breeding bastards!!

Bush Spying on Mumbai "Terrorists"

In the wake of the recent violence in Mumbai, U.S. intelligence agencies confessed to having warned Native American authorities that an attack was imminent.

Well, too little, too late, fellas. If the so-called "terrorists" had known that Bush was listening in on their phone calls, they probably would've called the whole thing off weeks ago. But the Shrub kept it all a big secret, and now hundreds of innocent people are dead - including the so-called "terrorists".

This is this problem inherent with Bush's domestic spying program as well. Even if he was actually eavesdropping on so-called "terrorists" and not on working families, the shroud of secrecy surrounding such a scheme wouldn't discourage any attacks. In fact, it would instill so-called "terrorists" with a sense of confidence that their plotting had gone undetected. Bush may think he's saving lives by spying on so-called "terrorists" without their knowledge, but he's really just setting us all up for another Mumbai.

Oh well. When Obama assumes the throne next month, Bush's high crimes will all be a thing of the past...as will that distinctive clicking sound I hear in the background whenever Nancy Pelosi and I are having phone sex.

No Cabinet Spot for al Zawahri

Al Qaeda's number two, Ayman al Zawahri, released a video today praising Malcolm X, and slamming America as an "criminal imperialist opressor".

I know what you're thinking: he's obviously angling for a spot in President Obama's cabinet. Well, too bad, Big Al, but you blew it with that "House Negro" remark. The Democrat Party does not tolerate such racially divisive language when its directed at anyone but a Black Republican. Perhaps if Zahawri clarifies his remarks and explains that he was actually referring to Condoleeza Rice, there might be a place for him on the pulpit at Obama's church. If he amps up his anti-American rants a little bit, I'm sure he could even get a job teaching at the University of Illinois.

He already attacked the Pentagon once, so that should look good on his resume.

Election Watch 2008: Racist Whites Backing McCain

Exit polls are showing that white males are overwhelmingly backing McSame. It's tragic that even in this day and age people are still voting for a candidate based solely on their skin color. I thought America had outgrown such overt acts of racial predjudice, but I guess not.

I just hope that the Black Community gets out and votes in full force this election.

Election Watch 2008: Military Votes Slipping Through Cracks, Actually Being Counted

It's generally known that active military personel, isolated as they are from current events and the educational assistance of the mainstream media, are just too ignorant to be trusted with a decision as important as choosing our President - a fact proven by their tendency to overwhelmingly vote Republican.  Bush's theft of the elections in both 2000 and 2004, for example, was blamed on the military vote.

Regretfully, we haven't learned from the mistakes of the past. A few military votes slipped through the cracks and were accidentally counted this year as well...but John McSame actually wants to count more. Absentee ballots mailed out to troops serving overseas yesterday might not make it back by today's deadline, and McSame is suing to have the deadline extended.

It's funny how these right-wingers wouldn't bend the rules to ensure the votes of our own citizens were counted in Florida, but they have no problems doing so to accommodate people who don't even live here.

Election Watch 2008: Hillary Speech Interrupted by Voting

Is there no end to the right-wing dirty tricks on this, our Special Day? Word is that a Hillary speech was rudely interrupted by voters at a New York polling center. Hillary, who was stumping for our new President in Chappaqua, was in the process of reminding everyone about how she's always been an Obama fan when several people broke away and starting voting.

There arent any Republicans in New York anyway, so I'm not worried. But if it could happen there, it could happen anywhere.