20 Signs You Are With A "Covert" Narcissist

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• published: 25 Mar 2015
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From a youtube comment regarding an ex : "I saw none of the grandiosity and excitement reported in all other articles. " If there is a lack of grandiosity/excitement or rage you may have been told to expect from a narc, you could be dealing with a covert narcissist. These types lack the confidence to be overt and have to be sneakier in their garnering of narcissistic supply because of their shyness and inability to assert themselves. They are more sensitive and defensive, will swing between narcissistic elation (when getting what they want, lets call it the FULL state) and borderline-esque fretfulness, insecurity, worry, hypersensitivity, defensiveness and vulnerability (when not feeling like they are getting what they want and deserve, the EMPTY state, if you will). Folks frequently complain that the abusive character in their life "goes and returns" without apparent explanation. This might be a physical leaving or an emotional one that leads to the victims further emotional dysregulation as the victims never know if or when the next attack/abandonment will come. Think of it as being like being strapped on to a particularly unpleasant roller coaster. Wearing a blind fold. This ebb and flow of going and returning is a reflection of the dynamic push- pull between the two polar opposite states of "full" and "empty" that the covert Narc experiences inside themselves. Their efforts to garner narcissistic supply are so round-the-houses, sneaky, cowardly and obtuse that their plans frequently fall flat leaving them in the much feared "empty" state that the overt narc experiences much less frequently as they pursue supply more aggressively, assertively and effectively. The "empty" state is so awful for them, the non social, non assertive, non capable covert narc that they frequently fall into actual depression. Gone is the high energy, charismatic, suave predator-Lion narc most of us have been told to watch out for and all that is left is an empty, grey shell. The covert narc when "empty" or "low" (on fuel, which is milkshake, which is oreo cookie flavoured narc supply, which comes straight from the victims soul) is low energy, low motivation, of a gloomy outlook, negative in thought, word and deed and who expects everything to go wrong. Kinda like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. If you are expecting Narcs to always look like some variation of the character from "Gone Girl" or "American Psycho" - high functioning, vain, calculating, ambitious, aggressive, sadistic, cruel, suave, capable of Machiavellian subterfuge and cunning etc ... you might miss a trick or two. Observe the covert Narc over time and you will see a positive correlation between them returning to you when "empty" (sad or vulnerable) and then abandoning you when "full" and arrogant. Be clear that it is YOU who fill them up. They drink your milk shake. Then they leave. Watch out for the fake empathy/humility of the covert narcissist. They really do secretly think they are better than you and everyone else despite the false front they are projecting. "Nobody recognises my genius" is the motto of the covert narc as they withdraw into their safe cave to sulk, sip the delicious self pity soup, suck their thumb petulantly and bemoan the stupidity of everyone in the world too dumb to see how frikken awesome they are. Those fools! Where you see someone ticking the boxes majorly for most of the indicators for narcissism but noticeably not for certain others AND demonstrating a propensity to being exploited and manipulated himself (or herself) check for a co-dependent covert narcissist. Possibly worse than an overt as you are even less likely to see them coming and you may spend a really long time wondering if the abuse really is abuse or not. Whilst allowing it to continue. It'll be like the "double bind" torture scene from 1984 that breaks your mind. "How many fingers am I holding up Winston?" As ever: face the reality, recognise what you are dealing with fully and please accept that, no matter what, nothing is more effective than no contact. All other contact, and I do mean ALL, will be an opportunity for further abuse. get my course on overcoming narc abuse http://spartanlifecoach.com/overcome-narcissistic-abuse-course/