11th August 2016: Diet to beat Alzheimer’s.

This again? All the Express miracle diets are basically Mediterranean ones with lots of fruit and veg, and less fatty things. Will I be surprised?

The diet has been hailed for giving all kinds of health benefits, but now research has revealed eating a Mediterranean diet boosts brain power and slashes the risk of Alzheimer’s.

It’s so easy!

What did the Expert At The End Of The Article have to say for themselves?

“What’s good for you heart is also good for you head and a healthy lifestyle that features regular exercise, a balanced diet and not smoking can help to lower your chances of dementia.”

9th July 2016: Statins fight cancer.

Right, let’s see if they actually do….

Statins could significantly reduce the risk of dying from four of the most common cancers, new evidence has revealed.

That’ll be another bollocks miracle cure headline.

The findings support previous research which has indicated that taking statins may offer protection to cancer patients.

Hurrah! / Boo!

15th June 2016: Viagra stops heart attacks.

Does it? Let’s find out!

The sex drug Viagra could soon be used to treat hundreds of thousands of heart failure patients and even prevent fatal heart attacks, say scientists.

COULD???? Oh dear, the ‘COULD’ appears in paragraph two of nearly every Daily Express miracle cure story.

A new study by the Centre for Cardiac Research at the University of Manchester has shown that cells from a failing heart actually survive for longer when they are given a Viagra-like drug which is normally used to treat impotence in men.

The Manchester team, which is being funded by the British Heart Foundation, is now looking to confirm whether the same drug can also prevent abnormal heart rhythms (arrhythmias) which are responsible for killing up to half of heart failure patients.

How wonderfully vague.

3rd June 2016: Surgery to cure diabetes.

Another diabetes cure in the same week as the miracle diabetes cure diet????

Doctors believe obese people with Type 2 diabetes can quadruple their chances of survival with weight-loss surgery.

That is not ‘surgery to cure diabetes.’

They found gastric bands and similar treatments can extend a patient’s life “considerably”. And other research has suggested that obese patients could save the NHS almost £100,000 each over a lifetime by undergoing treatment to limit their food consumption.

That really is not ‘surgery to cure diabetes.’

31st May 2016: The diet to halt diabetes.

Type 2 only, of course…. as usual.

A crash diet is the best way to beat Type 2 diabetes, health experts revealed yesterday.

So this is NEWS?

Reducing weight by 10 per cent cuts the risk of developing the disease by up to 90 per cent in those most susceptible. This can be safely achieved by following a strict calorie-controlled programme, researchers say.

The breakthrough findings will be presented to a gathering of top specialists at a European obesity summit in Sweden tomorrow.

Er… news? Or just common bloody sense?

What do the boffins say?

Adrian Brown, a specialist weight management dietitian at Imperial College, London, said: “We know losing weight is the key to preventing diabetes, along with permanent dietary change and more physical activity…“

Dr Anthony Leeds, an obesity specialist at Central Middlesex Hospital, said: “The more weight lost and maintained, the greater the proportion of people who remain diabetes-free. “They need to lose and keep off about 10 per cent of their weight.”

Yes.

29th May 2016: Protein jab to stop heart attacks.

Heart attacks stopped? Excellent!

What’s the catch?

British researchers have found a way to use a natural protein to repair damaged heart tissue.

So far so good….

One million UK patients could benefit – with the breakthrough expected to save tens of thousands of lives every year.

COULD!

The researchers will now try to find the best way of delivering the protein to heart attack patients in the form of a drug which they say should be commercially available within three to five years.

It’s getting as vague as every other Express Miracle Cure story now.

Professor Suzuki, a world-leading specialist, said: “This is very exciting and I believe could lead to a new treatment that could save tens of thousands of lives a year… “

26th May 2016: New blindness breakthrough.

Hurrah! Another breakthrough in blindness miracles! Or is it? …

An eye implant the size of a pea is set to give new hope to people stricken by failing eyesight after it was made available on the NHS.

The tiny telescopic device can correct the effects of a disease which has no cure and causes “blind spots” and blurred vision that make even simple tasks a daily grind.

In 2014 private patient Joan Gill, 87, became the first Briton to have the £12,000 CentraSight implant fitted to combat the effects of Age-Related Macular Degeneration (AMD).

So not your actual regular standard blindness at all! sounds expensive, when can mere mortals have their blindness cured please?

It could lead to NHS eye hospitals nationwide offering the procedure which could benefit 600,000 people.

Ah, good old COULD!

23rd May 2016: Eat more fat to  stay healthy.

Eating more fat will reverse Britain’s obesity and diabetes epidemics, it is claimed today.

So it’s not actually about fat being good for you, but about low fat foods that contain other things like sugar being bad for diabetes. Hmmmm….

Saturated fat, they add, does not cause heart disease and we should stop counting calories if we want to lose weight. It even claims the establishment ‘colluded with industry for financial gain’.

OK. What did the Quoted Boffin say?

He said: “What is needed is a balanced diet, regular physical activity and a normal healthy weight. To quote selective studies risks misleading the public.”

An Express miracle story would never mislead the public, of course.

11th May 2016: New scan will spot dementia.

We’ve had so many miracle headlines about ways to spot dementia and dozens more about how to cure it but…. oh you know. So what’s this one all about then?

A new brain scan can spot Alzheimer’s 15 years before symptoms appear.

British scientists pioneering the technique say providing an early warning could prove crucial in beating the devastating brain disease.

COULD!

It could allow sufferers years of good mental health while new treatments are being developed and tested.

Oh I give up.

30th April 2016: Chocolate can fight diabetes.

This again? With bonus Diana too?

A new study could lead to GPs recommending consumption of small amounts of dark chocolate - the processed and and sweetened food produced from cocoa - appearing to back up the saying that a little bit of what you fancy does you good.

“COULD”

“APPEARING TO”

It’s getting oh so familiar. Tell me more, dodgy science ‘journalist’…

Including a small amount of chocolate each day could help prevent diabetes and insulin resistance, according to research published in the British Journal of Nutrition.

Was it tested on mice? It’s usually mice in these Express articles.

The academics thought that chocolate consumption may have a beneficial effect on insulin sensitivity and liver enzymes and therefore decided to analyse a national sample of adults, taking into account lifestyle and dietary factors, including the simultaneous consumption of tea and coffee.

Straws well and truly being clutched at now.

This is because both drinks can be high in polyphenol, the substance which may provide chocolate with its beneficial cardiometabolic effects.

We’re off the chart in the vagueness now.

Can we have a nice “however” to end it on, where there’s a shock twist that the chemicals in certain kinds of chocolate are not really actually that important at all and it comes down to healthy living LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES?

“However, it is important to differentiate between the natural product cocoa and the processed product chocolate, which is an energy-dense food. Therefore, physical activity, diet and other lifestyle factors must be carefully balanced to avoid detrimental weight gain over time.”

How comfortingly familiar.

29th April 2016: Working is key to a longer life.

A brand new key!

Working later into life could help us live longer, new study shows.

People who stay on at work for an extra year until they are 66 can cut their risk of dying by 11 per cent, according to a US study.

Even those in poor health are likely to live longer if they keep working.

Hmmmmm…. no.

28th April 2016: Alzheimer’s cure at last.

A CURE? AT LAST? HURRAH! Sorted. No need to look at the article.

Oh go on , then…

The first drug to stop Alzheimer’s in its tracks could be available within five years after a major breakthrough.

Bugger.

Dr Simon Ridley, of Alzheimer’s Research UK, said: “The real test will be whether larger trials are able to show measurable benefit to a person’s symptoms and quality of life.”

Why am I not surprised?

27th April 2016: Drug to slash cholesterol.

Ah, a press release for a new drug masquerading as the top news story of the day! It’s been a while since we had one of those…

When will this super drug be in the shops?

It is hoped the 30p-a-day drug, now just “months away” from being available over the counter, could protect against heart disease.

So not yet.

The capsules contain a “supercharged enzyme” that slashes bad cholesterol without the headaches, nosebleeds or joint pain commonly suffered by the 10 million people in Britain who take statins.

It sounds too good to be true.

UK biotech firm OptiBiotix has developed the paracetamol-sized capsule. 

It’s definitely not an advert.

“This research shows a lot of promise and we are close to the endgame of producing an over-the-counter supplement.”

… and it’s defintely not a thing that even exists. How odd.

Larger clinical trials are now planned but the York-based company is already in talks about the possibility of putting the formula in yoghurts and snack bars.

Miracle yoghurt? How very Daily Express!

19th April 2016: Alzheimer’s jab in 5 years.

I can remember at least two Alzheimer’s jab headlines since I started doing this tumblr. Hmmm….

A CURE for Alzheimer’s with daily injections of a new drug could be just five years away.

Ah, it’s a COULD story! (as usual)

If further tests succeed it could be the first treatment to reverse the incurable dementia condition. That offers the hope of extra years of mental function to millions of people. The team behind the research said sufferers will treat themselves with injections at home.

COULD MAYBE COULD IF…. Oh dear.

Researchers at the University of Glasgow and Hong Kong University of Science and Technology found that a protein called IL-33 can reverse Alzheimer’s and cognitive decline in mice.

MICE! Again! Oh well.

15th April 2016: New diabetes breakthrough.

The Express has a new diabetes breakthrough headline once every year but diabetes still exists…. or am I being cynical?

Scientists have managed to grow insulin-producing cells that can be transplanted back into patients. The hormone insulin is normally produced by “beta” cells in the pancreas. When this process fails it can lead to Type 1 diabetes.

So far so good….

It is the first time healthy beta cells have been produced in a lab and experts say the development could hold the key to a future treatment or even cure.

Waiting for the part of the article that reveals it’s all bollocks. Come on…

The team transplanted the new beta cells into diabetic mice and were surprised to discover that the animals were soon cured of their symptoms.

DIABETIC MICE!

While the study only involved mice, it is hoped the procedure could lead to a more effective treatment for humans.

So there you have it.