I've worked my buns off to find Brisbane's best burger joint

It's sometimes hard, here at the end of human civilisation, to remember that we can still have nice things.

We're roasting ourselves and the planet to death. A vengeful circus peanut is president of the United States. Somehow Andrew Bolt manages to get dozens of people to watch his TV show, some of whom can presumably figure out how to use the remote control to change channels. It can seem like we're doomed, aye, doomed I tell you.

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And then you remember that hamburgers are back, better than ever.

I'm not sure when they came back, and I've already had a martini that I made for myself and it was excellent and I would like another one so I don't really have time to do a search on el Goog, but some time in the past five years or so, the hamburger returned, better than ever.

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There are international superchefs cashing in on the return of the burger. Yes, Neil Perry, I'm looking at you, with your ground Cape Grim beef patties and your soft-serve ice-cream churned in-house. 

But mostly I'm thinking about the way my arteries go into a defensive spasm and I get a pre-emotive shooting pain jagging all the way up my arm when I even think about pulling into Getta Burger for some loaded fries and a weapons-grade basic cheeseburger because the first time I ate there I was an idiot and I ordered the "Filthy".

Little did I know it's actually impossible for a human body to process the neutron star densities of beef patty, brisket, bacon, pulled pork and more bacon those cruel and unusual perverts can cram in between two buns. OK. I did know.

But I tried to eat it anyway and although I nearly died of old man's indigestion I went the next day and tried again because you can't let brisket disrespect you like that.

Since then I've made it a personal quest to sample all of the city's greatest burger feasts. I've inhaled the double cheeseburger at Miss Kay's on George, chuckling at the idiot manboys tempted to hazard the Big Kay's Challenge (eat five beef patties, five slices of American cheese, a piece of token lettuce and three hundred kilos of loaded fries on the side in less than fifteen minutes for a $30 return voucher and a referral to the emergency ward at the RBH).

I've breakfasted on Ben's Burger's eponymous breakfast burger which swaps out the standard beef filling for an intriguing sausage patty. I have done extensive compare and contrast studies of the 5 Boroughs cheeseburger both north and south of the river.

If it were possible I would definitely eat hamburgers ever day, and possibly on two or three days a week, for every meal.

They are that good now.

We may all yet die screaming, but not from want of good hamburgers. I await your insider tips and recommendations for the many local burger secrets I have missed.