Gove recalls maths textbooks

New Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove has issued instructions to schools to return all maths textbooks after discoveries they include rudimentary errors.

The books, in relating the concepts of fractions and percentages, describe 1/2 as 50% instead of the more modern version of 55%.

Chapters on decimal points will be removed entirely, as, according to senior Tory sources, "that sort of thing isn't really considered important any more".

Schools minister Nick Gibb said the mistake was further evidence of "dumbing down" under Labour. "Just because it's easier to multiple and divide by 50 than 55 doesn't make it right," said the newly-appointed junior minister. "I don't see why we can't go back to pounds and ounces anyway."

But mathematics experts said the recall was unnecessary. Professor Cognac of Queen Victoria University said 50% was a perfectly reasonable figure for 1/2, and described the new figure as "fuzzy math".

Asked to comment on the professor's views, Gove responded "I'm paid to entertain [nonsense], and that's what I'm doing."

Liberal Democrats agreed with the move. A Liberal Democrat spokesperson issued a statement, but none of our reporters saw much point in reading or commenting on it.

Lib Dems blame Labour for coalition with Tories

Senior Liberal Democrats have lashed out at the Labour Party over Nick Clegg's reluctant decision to hand David Cameron the keys to Number 10 Downing Street.

"I'm disgusted Labour didn't agree to adopt our entire manifesto as a basis for governing," said A Liberal Democrat Who Wasn't Nick Clegg Or Vince Cable, rumoured to be ear-marked by Cameron as the future Minister for Beards, one of four posts to be created especially so Liberal Democrats can be ministers without actually doing anything. "As a result, we have been forced into accepting the Tories' offer of a half-chewed peanut and a broken Dinky Toy."

In a joint statement, John Redwood and Nadine Dorries said they understood that there were concerns "dinosaurs" in the Parliamentary Labour Party might not accept the compromises necessary for coalition government, and they looked forward to working with their new coalition partners on climate change and reproductive rights.

Former Foreign Secretary Malcolm Rifkind said he was relieved the Liberal Democrats had finally done the honourable thing in putting Cameron into Number 10, after first acting honourably in negotiating with the Tories and then covering themselves in dishonour by negotiating with Labour. "I am glad Mr Clegg has acknowledged our right to rule, so cruelly denied for 13 years," said the veteran Tory, adding, "The lower parties must learn their place."

Meanwhile David Miliband revealed he, and all the other candidates for the Labour leadership, were "saddened" by news of the coalition, before telling anyone who would listen they could quote "senior Labour sources" as being ready to swing behind his campaign just as soon as it was deemed appropriate to start campaigning.

Farage hints at leadership bid

Nigel Farage has given the clearest indication yet that he may run again for the UKIP leadership.

Mr Farage did not commit himself, but refused to rule out leading the party again, raising doubts about who was really in charge of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

A political appointee, UKIP's new leader Lord Pearson has never held elective office. He became UKIP leader after former leader Farage made it clear he expected the party to elect him.

Rival parties were quick to label Lord Pearson a "puppet". Analysts are divided over whether Lord Pearson's public statements are carefully co-ordinated by Farage as part of a "good-cop/bad-cop strategy", or whether their collaboration hides tensions behind which Pearson and Farage represent different interest groups with different views on what direction UKIP should take.

Farage oversaw a surge in UKIP's poll ratings since taking over the leadership of the party in 2006. His half-naked poses in calendar shoots have been popular with the nation's women, and his name and image are used widely in marketing and advertising campaigns, including his own vodka brand.

But he has attracted criticism, notably including British chess supremo Nigel Short. The chess champ turned political activist said Farage had silenced critics within UKIP, and his iron control over the internal disciplinary units of the party had killed free speech.

PR Referendum now doubtful

Momentum for a referendum on PR to be conducted at the same time as the next General Election has stalled after supporters failed to agree on how the referendum should be conducted.

Supporters of the status quo argued that voters should vote for the system they liked the most, and the voting system with the most support should be used for the following election. But advocates of PR retorted that this method could ensure the incumbent voting system won without a clear majority of the electorate supporting it, and might force more radical systems geeks into second-guessing the preferences of others and voting for a system they hated less than FPTP, instead of the one the liked the most.

Others said voting systems should be ranked in order of preference, with the top three used to elect separate candidates in supersized constituencies, giving voters a "real choice" of system "not just once, but every election."

But there were worries that without a system of open primaries to decide which systems went to the vote, a referendum could place too much power in the hands of intellectuals, who would limit the range of options from which the electorate could choose.

Tory leader David Cameron quickly announced he backed all the options, and would "strongly consider" them if elected.

Church divided on swine flu

The church has divided on the issue of who God is punishing by the imposition of swine flu on His creation.

A spokesperson from the Church of Hope and Grace In The Name Of He Who Sent His Unblemished Lamb As Lord and Saviour to Rescue Us From The Iniquity of Our Own Failings said it was "definitely the gays. Definitely."

LGBT Christian groups seized on this proclamation to suggest God is moving with the times, saying the relative scale of the disease, with only a handful of people dying and others recovering, showed God was not as pissed off with homosexual people as He used to be. But atheist groups labelled this a logical fallacy, saying it could just mean God's powers are on the wane.

Other Christian groups said the disease had nothing to do with homosexuality. A trendy vicar from Muswell Hill said "We run the risk of making everything about our preoccupation with homosexuality, rather than listening to God and seeing what He has to say to us. Clearly this global pandemic is a punishment for the war on Iraq."

The Vatican issued a brief statement commending God for learning from his mistakes, by bringing forth a disease that could not be prevented through contraception.

Competition Corner

The Provisional BBC will be awarding a prize of unspecified value for the best guess as to what the following person actually spends his money on. The excerpt is taken from the BBC's recent article where people earning over £100,000 pa complain about how they don't have enough money to live on and how they are not eligible for tax credits. Answers in the comments box, please.

Because my wife looks after the kids and hence does not currently work, she does not receive any tax free allowance and so we already are down to one allowance for the family. There is no married persons allowance any more to compensate for people in our situation and now it seems we are to lose the second allowance from next April, hitting us by what will amount to approx £300 a month.

We don't qualify for child tax credits either. We are not rich by any means, we live in a standard four bed house with a single garage on a housing estate in a normal town. Our kids go to the local comprehensive school. We don't have surplus money for expensive holidays and cars.

We know of several people with similar total family income to us that will continue to receive two tax free allowances because both of them work and individually their incomes are under the £100,000 amount. The system just does not seem fair at all. We are being penalized for having one of us stay home to look after the family.

£300 a month is going to be very difficult to find. We have never been hit so hard by a budget before. We probably won't be able to afford a holiday next year, plus will have to cut back in other ways.

Neither myself or my wife are from wealthy families, we've just worked hard to get where we are. It seems when you reach a point where things are improving you just get knocked back down.

Barack Obama wears clothes

Barack Obama has been spotted wearing clothes. The clothes were made by someone who makes clothes, and are thought to be worth an amount of money.

Other world leaders, including singer Carla Bruni's HAB Nicolas Sarkozy, were also spotted wearing clothes in a move bored journalists gleefully described as a "fashion challenge" to the US President. A spokesperson for Sarkozy denied the rumours, saying the wearing of clothes on state occasions was standard protocol.

"You can see that getting dressed is more than an official duty for Nicolas Sarkozy," said an annoying TV presenter. "Look at the way his shirt hugs every roll of flab - it just screams 'I want an international agreement on tax havens'."

But the leaders' decisions to wear clothes were criticised by campaigners, who said they should recognise ordinary people's hurt in this time of recession and go without.

In other news, the leaders also signed an historic agreement which could speed the end of the global recession by months.